Living in an unkempt world.

Birdie!

2011-08-14T23:22:00.000-04:00

I am no longer submitting new posts here. Please mosey on over to www.marsupiallingerie.blogspot.com

Yours in Christ, Satan, and Friendship,
BK
August 2011

Me gusta Carlos Estevez.

2011-02-28T16:39:00.000-05:00

Not on his tv show. That show blows. In regard to his addiction(s.)

Charlie Sheen has been partying for twenty-five years, at least. He is not dead. He never killed anyone(though he did shoot Kelly Preston, who is a horrible actress.) He pays for sex, and has a taste for the bimbo-iest of porn stars. He is unapologetic about his hedonistic pursuits when they come to light in the press.

What I love about Charlie Sheen is that he doesn't place blame or make excuses for his indulgences.

A while back, I came to believe I was an alcoholic.

Wrecked my car. Could've killed a busload of people on their way to a Breast Cancer 5k. Luckily, I didn't.

When you get a DUI(pronounced "Dewey" by cool people) the state of PA sends you to a course that doesn't help you stop drinking. It helps you not to get another DUI. At the end of the two day course, they hand out a little pamphlet on AA. It's not required, but I went.

AA is a load of shit. Besides its religious bent, it advocates total abstinence, which is not an option for me, in regard to anything I do, ever. So I listen to a bunch of folks talk about how the Program has saved them. It hasn't. They are still unhealthy in their mindsets, they've just replaced one substance with another, and will continue to do so perpetually, between booze and Christ, as AA has a single-digit success rate.

I will never be a recovering alcoholic. What I am, is a man who has learned to be smarter about drinking. I still get totally wasted about once a month, I just don't get into bar fights or crash cars anymore. Because I developed a set of rules.

Millions of party hounds do. You wouldn't know us unless we told you.

If you do something, want to do more of something, or want to add another something to the something you're doing, educate yourself. People die because they're stupid, not because of addiction.

Addiction is an excuse. A crutch. Stupidity is the killer.

I love this interview for those reasons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5aSa4tmVNM

I am smiling.

2011-01-06T19:17:00.000-05:00

Figured I'd post some words on up, as I've got about 40 minutes until NBC's stellar Thursday night comedy lineup. Except for that show about the Indian call center. The writing is pathetic.

So, what did I do today?

I woke up at a quarter after eight, but lay in bed, in hope of falling asleep again. It was a futile effort, as my body is programmed/used to waking up at three-thirty in the morning. It just doesn't seem to like sleeping in.

Tried to drop off some mail for the former owner of my home at his new place, but believe I might have the place wrong, as I did not find his name on the directory. Although it is possible that he died. I don't think so though. He was a spry old fellow as I remember him, but it's conceivable. I'll try a few other places tomorrow. Maybe.

Went to breakfast. I rarely eat "breakfasty" type foods, and rarer still go out for breakfast in the traditional sense. I mean, I eat a lot of pancakes at that weird time when one is drunk, and not sure if it's really late, really early, or both. Today however, was pure old-school breakfast enjoyment. Banana pancakes, straight up. They were good, and the bananas were diced squarely, and dropped in to the cakes just as they were about done cooking, which was interesting to my palate.

Since I'm flush with cash and have four days off, I went and bought some paint. I plan to paint tomorrow, as I have a hell of a cold and am not keen on inhaling paint fumes on and off while my nose gets stuffy after I've blown it yet again.

So then I went and bought a couple of flicks. Moon, with Sam Rockwell, was really interesting. It dealt with being isolated, and having to rely on the reality presented to you, as opposed to actual reality. Check it out.

Oh yeah. While I was at Lowes I began planning for a solar shade to bring out to the Burn this year. It will be framed with pvc pipe and I'm trying to find a light fabric to install grommets into to use as the actual shade. Finding something with the right area, weight, and price is proving problematic, so it looks like I'll have to journey to the internet to acquire it.

RV show in PGH this weekend. Stoked on it, as I may get some leads the aforementioned fabric and maybe even score a deal on a rig. I've lost three eBay auctions in as many weeks, and it's aggravating, but my persistence and thrift WILL pay off! The rig I'm looking for is somewhat small, like a really big, nice conversion van, which makes it somewhat rare. I may still buy an Eighties era VW bus if I can find one at a decent price, which won't happen. Even the rust buckets are ridiculous, as "coolness" is a huge selling point with them. Shame, too, because they are really well designed. I may have to re-learn how to drive a Standard in order to broaden my choices.

Sweatpants are the best! -BK

Fuck me walking at a moderate pace!

2011-01-02T19:11:00.002-05:00

I'm baaaack! Did jew miss me?

After a prolonged and unproductive absence, I've decided to return to the world of blogging again.

"Why oh why, noble BK, did you refrain from sharing the mundane and trivial aspects of your daily comings, almost comings, and goings with us for so long?" you ask, if you're a voice in my head.

Well.... Like nuclear physics, ballooning, and the female mind, it's complicated. List form, shall we?

1. Facebook. I became brutally, head over heels, Heroin junky-esque addicted to FB in the past year. I adored(more soon) the pretty much instant creative input/output FB offered me. I was on day and night, updating my status several times a day, often almost hourly, and it was becoming more and more "hollow." In fact, it was hollowing me out a bit. I wasn't riding nearly as much, going to shows, or enjoying life out among the folks I associate with. Facebook had imprisoned me, which is why I withdrew my profile on New Year's Eve and have given myself a six month moratorium from the Zuckerberg prison. Will I survive? What will be left of me? Time, as it has it's way of always doing, will tell. It was NOT a "New Year's Resolution" to quit FB, as anyone who even somewhat knows me knows I don't believe or participate in such folly.

b. I was/am/am not writing privately. Long form, non-comedic, etc.

III It was all Facebook.

------------------------

So what was my 2010 like?

In short, really good. Like "best summer evah" good.

I saw a TON of shows this summer. Both local and national/international acts, in all sorts of dirty bars and megastadiums. Highlights where Slayer, The Smashing Pumpkins, Iron Maiden, and Muse, in no particular order. All those shows were memorable and a lot of fun.

I didn't drink. As much. Work schedule and some sort of self improvement plan attributed to the "success" of this.

I worked a lot in 2010. Before taxes, I made a bit over 50k, which is a new personal best, and something I don't desire(or need) to repeat anytime soon.

Burning Man. My second journey to the playa and far superior to my first time. Burning Man is hard, if not impossible, to explain to a layperson, but suffice to say, if you are a freethinker/freespirit, and like to be immersed in something as opposed to watching, Burning Man may be for you. No matter what your scene is, there is somebody out there who is your mirror image, and you are virtually guaranteed to have a good time. If you let yourself.

In the recentness, I'm scouring the internet for my very own recreational vehicle. Given my track record with automobiles, I'm gonna have a lot of "adventures" and the stories to go with them. I'm tired of paying for hotel rooms, meals, and car rentals when I go on trips, and the acquisition of an rv should severely curtail this expenses. At least until the rv breaks down somewhere, which, again, given my automotive track record, is a virtual certainty.

Still vegetarian, in case anyone was curious or cared.

So that's about it for now.

Keep the ass end off the ground and you should be just fine,
BK

Hard to believe little Elian is 16 now.

2010-04-06T22:48:00.000-04:00

I've been having some sort of bout with food poisoning, so I called in sick and spent the day watching the entire second season of Breaking Bad on DVD. For those unfamiliar, it's about a terribly average man who turns to producing and selling crystal meth after a terminal cancer diagnosis. It has a striking similarity to The Godfather in that it focuses on temptation, family, and downfall. The series is ongoing, and you get the feeling that no matter how things end for the characters, they will end badly. It's really fantastic television, and if there's one thing Ol' Ben knows, it's television.

If there's two things Ol' Ben knows, it's television and drugs. The show got me thinking. Thinking about where I've been in my life, and where I might be again someday.

I have used drugs. I've dabbled in everything under the sun, with the notable exception of heroin. Not because I was scared of it, but at the time I was a-dabblin' heroin simply was not readily available.

The only drug I've ever felt an immediate, 1940's noir film connection/addiction to is/was cocaine. I did a bump(like off of a fingernail) at a party in my teenage years and instantaneously felt a deep desire to do more of it, like, NOW! So I didn't do anymore for about a year, and then had a brief, but fun, three month long fling with the Yayo at twenty. I've done it a few times since then, and have always restrained myself.

Coincidentally, if any work friends/enemies are reading this, I've been clean for 4 years. Feel free to ask for a urine sample, which I will gladly provide. On your face.

That being said, I choose not to use "drugs" because I value my job and the lifestyle it affords me. There are millions of drug users in America. Millions. They are people who can balance risk and reward. You and I do not know them. Most likely, we never will, although they work beside us, represent us at trials, and perform medical procedures upon us.

More millions get get their fixes via prescribed medicine, which is the same thing as a joint or two a week, in my opinion.

We know the drug users who are weak. Their weakness is not "from" or "because" of drug use. It's their character and lack of decision-making ability. It's the fault of their influences, notably, their parents.

My parents never used drugs(well, not around me, at least) but I did. I'd like to think the fact I was able to do it "smartly" is a testament to their skills.

I'm not saying drugs should be legalized, but I do believe in decriminalization/taxation of most narcotics. Like alcohol, what the majority of users do smartly, on their own time, in relative private, is none of the government's business, and frankly, none of "Joe Sixpack's" either.

-----

In other news, I did comedy last week. Twice in one night, actually. I felt soooo good to be back on the stage again, with new, funny, material. Like a creative weight being lifted from my shoulders.

In more other news, the house is moving along. I hope the summer will allow me to do some insulating, floor stripping and refinishing, and window replacement. My Dremel tool is an amazing piece of hardware that I'm always find a new application for it. I'm also becoming quite a passable plumber, electrician, and landscaper. I am working on my carpentry skills, which thankfully, I wont be needing until I redo my kitchen, which is a year or ten off.

I do need to get some art for the place though. The still unpainted walls are bare. I never bought art when I apartment-dwelled, and that will change. Shortly.

No videos today. Computer runnin' slow off the stolen WiFi signal, so be content in knowing that I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional, a band I adored in high school.

"You're serious?! You don't know who "The Cure" are?!"-BK

Store Closing! Big Sale!

2010-03-25T00:32:00.003-04:00

I don't really like the idea of "Big" government, but I crossed lines and supported the Healthcare Bill. Although I have private insurance, a lot of my friends, people in their mid-twenties with practically no money, don't. These are people who wait tables, work construction or in retail, and generally provide a backbone that strengthens the economy. They deserve coverage, flawed as it may be. I think the real villian in all of this is not the politicians, or even the undeniably evil insurance companies(they make money from prolonging suffering, not ending it). It's Americans. We live like shit, and we need to kill our problems at the root, not "prune or trim" them, so to speak. We need a cultural revolution the likes of which has never been seen. It's fucking impossible, but as a country and a culture, America needs to try.

In a rare attempt at self-improvement, I actually actively sought a management position with Southwest. I pulled out all the stops. I bought a suit, got a haircut, fired out a really impressive resume with references I tracked down and called to let them know, had a GREAT interview, etc.. I didn't get the position, and I was crushed. Pretty close to devastated, actually. It sucked, but the vast majority of my Coworkers let me know that they were rooting for me, and would've really liked to have me as their boss. That made me feel appreciated in a way I haven't felt in a long time. So I have that. I don't think I'll be applying for another position at my current work location. I'm not going into details about the reason(s) I was given for not being hired, but suffice to say, it was a lot of political bullshit that has severely shaken my perception of "Upper Management" types. I now know why so many white collar folks are so jaded and miserable in their work environments, and the bitter taste in my mouth fades, but never really goes away.

So this is a band I'm "coming around" on: Breaking Benjamin. I was mostly just familiar with them in passing, i.e. I listened to them on my car radio when they were on. Thing is, I never really "listen" to music when I'm driving. Sure it's audible, I'm hearing it, but I'm very rarely really "feeling" the lyrics and composition. I think these guys, while unarguably generic sounding, are pretty decent songwriters, and the his lyrics are actually above average. I was recently dragged, kicking and screaming, to one of their shows and was actually surprised at just how good of a live band they are, and how devoted their fans are. I think I hated this band for a while mostly because their lead singer looks like he should work at a bank.

I actually wasn't even aware they sang this song, but it's a favorite of mine. I love this song!

I'm actually listening to Wolfmother and Tori Amos as I write this, so I haven't gone totally generic and soulless.

Housing prospects for Cooper are looking up. I'm really hoping to have him somewhere "better" in less than a month. He deserves more stability than I can give him, and I deserve to have to vacuum less.

Comedy, or lack thereof. I'm actually writing again, which is something I'm extremely happy I've been able to do. It was extremely hard to write things I found "worthy" for a long time, so I'm glad to be making progress on that front. I'd like to get back out and make people laugh/be offended with the material, but I find "the scene" so much like high school these days it's retarded. Maybe I should get drunk before I go, make up a good excuse as to why I have to go up(and leave) early, and leave while the applause is roaring. Too many of these comics do not understand what a punchline is. They just ramble. I do that sometimes, but I realize it. I watch people do five minutes of utter shit up there, and no one calls them on it. I do, in private, if they ask, but no one does, because comics are "sensitive" like that. Many cannot believe that they suck. Well, they do! Hard!

"Don't look for cheap compliments from me. When I say something, I've put thought into it, and I mean it."-BK

I don't care for fish or Phish.

2010-02-11T10:31:00.003-05:00

Firstly, this is hilarious.

Lots and lots of snow, but seemingly little competency from the City of Pittsburgh, Penndot, and the Allegheny County Airport Authority. My bus was only three minutes late this morning, and the roads are still covered in snow. It says a lot when the Port Authority is back on their game before the local government is. Whatever.

My township, however, has been great with clearing snow. My street(even my alley) are passable at worst, and totally clear at best. Stowe Township keeps it real. We may not have businesses or occupied buildings, but goddamnit, we got good roads!

Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan are doing a buddy cop movie together. I'm not sure if this is horrible for Bruce Willis's career or great for Tracy Morgan's career? Maybe it's somewhere in between? And in a totally "WTF!" just searched IMDB type of development, Kevin Smith is apparently directing it. Has the world gone mad?

Tax return is done. Itemized, but still saved/got more via the simple deduction. I'm gonna blow it on red in Vegas.

"Have you tried other drugs?"-BK

He Skoal it from me.

2010-02-05T14:51:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a bit between the here and the there. I've been watching Point Break. But I'm here again. Mostly because it's snowing, and while I like playing in snow, I don't like actually being outside while snow is falling unless I'm being paid to do so. My movie collection momentarily exhausted, I decided to write a little.

Shouts to my friend and bro, Brandon for gettin' me to type up a little literary fire again. His blog is an interesting read and something I find most agreeable. I guess that's why Brandon is a friend of mine. We've been fist pumpin' together since before Jersey Shore was even conceptualized, let alone a national disgrace. I watched three minutes, at most, of that show the other night at work, soiled myself, and cried for a long, long time.

Funny story: I first met Brandon when his girlfriend(now wife) Lori, bought me a drink about three minutes after I met her. I was wearing leather pants that night. I weigh 230 pounds. That's the kind of power I have over people if I so decide to wield it.

Moving on, but not forward, I suppose this is where I tell you what the hell's been going on.

Not much.

I semi-retired from comedy. Mostly because I'd completely lost any desire to perform. I still do fire out the occasional set now and again, and I'm close to rediscovering the sense of enjoyment/accomplishment I felt when I originally started doing comedy, way back, when there was only Playstation. That's right. I'm an "old" comic now. Twenty-six and over the hill. These damn kids these days all seem to be writing on the same paper(or in their smartphones) and with the same voice, which is another reason why I think I lost da' fire.

The dog. Definitely not a wise decision. While I enjoy his company immensely(he's a great snuggler when his ass is pointed away) I can't stomach him being in his cage for twelve to fourteen hours a day while I'm out and about, making mad cheddar and sending folks on their way to Orlando.

The house. I've taken a bit of a sabbatical on that for the winter. I really don't want to go into debt to improve/repair the place, and even if I did, my credit is so bad that... well, it's really shitty. So come summer, it'll be a project at a time, a hundred dollars at a time.

The "new" car. I'm selling it as soon as I find Cooper(the dog) suitable living arrangements. Due to my run in with a telephone pole, and subsequent run in with The Man, I haven't been driving it anyway. The bus and my bike get me where I need to go just fine, and I'm skinnier, but have a fatter wallet. Car free living suits me.

Bono. A douche for sure, but a douche with a good heart. If I ever meet him, I'll punch him in the face with my weak arm.

Just kidding. I don't have a weak arm.

Bitches. A sure sign of the upcoming apocalypse, I have been on a few dates. I'm not keen on dating. Like math and Obama's origins, it's confusing and muddled. Do we split the tab? Can I come up? Can I see you again? Not for me. The best romantic relationships in my life have started as great friendships, and I need to return to that format. No rush though.

Tobacco. I started chewing it. Don't really feel the need to elaborate, defend, or evangelize. I find it enjoyable, and a good way to "pace the day."

OBLIGATORY YOUTUBE VIDEO:

It's Royksopp. They are from Europe. You've heard a remix of this track in a Geico caveman commercial. I adore this video. Absolutely love it. It reminds me of a grade school social studies book diagram come to life. Immensely creative. Watch it four times.

I promise I'll write again. Someday.

"Utah! Get me two!"-BK

Girl sues Phillies.

2009-10-10T02:43:00.002-04:00

When you drop away from the world, off the face of the Earth, "coming back" becomes less important the farther away you go. My Facebook/Twitter dispatches serve their purpose in letting people know I still draw breath, the rest is just frosting on the vegan cake.

While not opposed to conflict, I tend to avoid it, as I come out firing with the most powerful weapons in my arsenal. It's not prudent to nuke a simple uprising, but I err on the side of caution. Best to level the village than be shot in the back twenty years later by an orphaned son.

When did "error" become "err" by the way? Grammar is weak, yo. Mad weak.

Unfortunately, my conflict is internal, and it's something I am now only facing, at least ten years too late.

------

Work on the house continues at a retarded, ADHD-afflicted snail's pace, but it's still progress of some sort, which is something, however minor it may be to the outsider's eye.

Bought a "new" car. Infinitely happy to no longer give up three hours of my day to Port Authority Transit, but I do miss the smell of urine in the morning, and playing "new stain, or old stain" on a daily basis.

Been doing comedy here and there when the mood strikes. Material is the same, but the approach differs. Most comedians get pigeon-holed into the "I hate everything and everyone" category, which makes it hard to stand out when you really do. I hate being told that my material is nothing like who/what I am when I am offstage. I. Fucking. Hate. It. Here's news for you: When I'm onstage, I am totally free, uninhibited in ways I simple can't be otherwise, and I force myself to "lower the blinds" offstage. I am only showing courtesy to you and yours because you are an innocent, undeserving of the pure stream of my consciousness, not because I am friendly or warm.

-----

I have been giving some thought to becoming "vegan at home." After 3 years of vegetarianism, I feel ready to take this next step towards a healthier me, healthier animals, and a healthier planet. Maybe after the year turns. I miss nacho cheese already. Cheese will be the crux.

Felt the need to shit out some literature. As always, my half-assed thanks for your time.

"Watching those guys makes my job look easy. Well, easier, I guess."-BK

Death Row is the label that pays May.

2009-08-21T22:40:00.002-04:00

Decided to get my ass a rollin' on the whole "new tattoo" ideas brewing in my ol' brain pan. Got it narrowed down to about 4 choices, and the left forearm is where it's going. Hope you like M.C. Escher. Aim to have a nice sleeve by October or so.

Listening to Portishead right now. Way better than the shit the clerk was telling me to buy at The Exchange today. Way fucking better. I picked up a "pre-owned" iPod, in addition to some tunes. Hurrah! No more audible craziness and screaming bastard children on my commute! Unless I run out of battery power because I left it in my bag the night prior instead of charging it, which has never, ever, happened to me, not even once. I swear.

Yes, it's dumb to buy CDs, go home, upload the CDs, and then download them to your iPod instead of purchasing music online, but I'm refreshingly old school, with just a twinkle of modern flava.

I'm off tonight, a Friday, for what seems like the first time in decades. Instead of going out and trying to meet someone, and establish a connection that eventually leads to some sort of permanent, fulfilling for me/who cares about her sexual relationship, I'm typing this. If I'd only put on pants at 8pm or so, things might've been different.

Looked at suits at Macy's yesterday, because I saw a dude rocking a three piece with crazy-ass, Boy George-like style that made me do a triple take. Need to lose a few more pounds and get some better shoes.

Saw Inglourious Basterds earlier. I was very underwhelmed by this movie. I like war action-adventure flicks, but this one was just "off" in a few different ways. Most prevalent is the subject matter. I thought it would be really cool to see a bunch of Jews murdering Nazis, but the fact is that the Holocaust was real, and adapting the deaths of millions of people just doesn't sit right with me. The movie had the trademark QT dialogue that we all know and love, but Brad Pitt delivered none of it, his performance was weak. The star of the movie was the actor who played the SS Colonel. He was really, really a pleasure to watch. Finally, the movie, if you can believe it, just wasn't violent enough. I'll stick with the Sixties-era war action movies, thanks.

This song played as a stunningly attractive petite blond girl seductively put on makeup. It was my favorite scene in the movie, probably because I am a fucking voyeuristic pervert. I'd heard this song before, back in my heavy Bowie Period, but hearing it again made my grin from ear to ear in the theatre.

A local blogger known as "PittGirl" recently "outed" herself to the city. She worked in anonymity, and said a few not so nice(but funny) things about the Mayor, etc.. Turns out, she works for a nonprofit which relies heavily on city funding, and she got canned. Her own fault, and I'm angry that she now has the chance to make money from the experience. Posting anonymously is cowardly, not brave. You all know who I am, but there are aspects of my life that I do not share here, most notably, my romantic and work-related adventures. I don't tell you about the relationships I'm in or not in because that is a private, personal, matter between myself and my "flavor of the month." I don't talk about my job, or things related to it, in anything more than a vague occasional reference because it's MY FUCKING JOB! I need to eat. She should of taken a similar route, but chose not to. Too bad.

(Shit, not so fast there, Ben Kenny. Remember that time in high school?)

Ah yes, how can I forget. Myself and a co-conspirator were suspended for two weeks for a few blog postings made from the shadows of the internet. So what if I did leak the home address of a teacher. Youthful indiscretions. It was hard to smoke pot all day, everyday, for those two weeks, but I persevered!

Looking for a new car. Cashing in some profit-sharing dollars. Saab, BMW, or Volvo wagon. Less than 100k miles, and less than ten years old. Under 5k. Holla if you got a lead for me.

Plans for tomorrow include laundry, grass cutting, maybe scrape a little paint and of course, The Smiling Moose and dance fun.

I've been here for a while, but not long enough to care about Big Ben's ankle weeks before the regular season begins.-BK

They can charge what they want.

2009-08-20T14:40:00.005-04:00

Hey. What's up? I know, I know. No, I don't want to talk about it. Especially with you. Because. I. Just. Don't. OK?!

Did comedy a few nights back. Was the first time in a few months. There is no way to tentatively lower yourself back into stand-up. It is not a fucking swimming pool. You either nut up and do it, or you don't. I had one of the better sets of the night(as I am one of the better comedians, always) but that wasn't what made the night good. The most memorable part of the evening was seeing (500) Days of Summer again and having a mushroom sub at South Side Steaks. Goddamn that was a good sandwich. Might even eat one again, on Friday, when I go see an obscure, under-the-radar war movie that I'm sure you've all heard absolutely nothing about.

Wink.

I can't even really say I'm happy to be back, shitting thoughts onto the keyboard for you to read in anonymity, but it's something, I guess.

Spent about three weeks washing my clothes in a sink, agitating them with a toilet plunger, and hang-drying them in the musty, dank basement of Casa de Ben. It took the repairman exactly nineteen minutes to fix my washing machine. Two weeks of waiting for nineteen minutes. It was under warranty, and hence, free, but I should've just bit the proverbial bullet, and shelled out the change for the repair. B.O. doesn't come out of clothing with a mere hand wash, even if you're as strong as I am.

Very little has been done to the house lately. Working what extra hours I can schedule in, with the bus and all, to, somewhat ironically, be able to buy a car.

Lied through my teeth at my DUI counseling session. One weekend of classes. Flawless victory. Seriously. The "flawless victory" sound effect from the first Mortal Kombat Super Nintendo game was audible in my head as she told me. Wanted to celebrate with a drink, but didn't. I whistled a tune(Tears for Fears) to myself on the elevator ride down, but then I stepped on a homeless person's leg as I exited the building. Almost tripped over it. Wanted to go back later, and hit him very hard, with something very hard, multiple times. Not for almost tripping me, just because I was angry that a white, young, most likely educated person would make the conscious decision to become, and remain, homeless. It was terribly aggravating. I was actually enraged, and no words were even exchanged between us. God help society if I get a gun.

The best movie I've seen this summer is stillStar Trek, and it pains me, as a hardcore, lifelong Star Wars fan, greatly, to say that. District 9 is a very close second. Especially after I found out that it was the lead actor's first acting job.

Time to work. Must keep self liquid.

It's the 20th. Until midnight tonight.-BK

Hangin' like Jesus on the cross.

2009-07-22T12:44:00.002-04:00

Working the job, working(ever so slowly) on the house, and just general living got put aside for a bit as I took a little overnight trip to Vegas. It was sorely, sorely needed and super fun. I was a little upset that the movie theater I often go to closed, but overall, the trip was a success, as I gambled for about eight hours, and made a profit of 182 dollars, after I deducted the cost of my room, cab fare, and meals. I used to take the bus in Vegas, as it's cheap and reliable, but since I take the bus all the time at home, I figured splurging on a cab ride or three would be worth it, and boy oh boy, was it ever! So much easier than the Deuce bus, even if you don't have anyone to split the cost with.

It is ever so rare these days to see a band with some decent lyrics and a semi-unique sound. Shitty name though. The Airborne Toxic Event. So shitty.

There is an Adam Sandler/Seth Rogan/Judd Apatow movie about comedians coming out. I saw the preview when I saw Bruno with a fellow comic and friend. This movie is going to launch waves of dumb, overconfident people into comedy. People who don't understand and don't care to learn the subtle nuances of comedy. People who don't want to put in the time it takes to become "good" and mind you, motherfucker, there is a HUGE difference between "funny" and "good." A lot of famous and local comics, obviously, are "funny" but so few, so very, very few, are "good." Well, at least in my "comedy hipster" eyes.

The carpeting in my house was actually really easy to remove, but the padding underneath is another story entirely. I conservatively estimate it to be about 30 years old, and it was compressed over that time to something that breaks apart and leaves dust/residue that looks like the powder from mac and cheese. It clogs my vacuum cleaner, and doesn't come up via broom and dust pan too easily either. But I put in a half hour a day on it or so, and I make progress, however slow. I have a three day weekend coming up, and I hope to get it all up, wash the walls, and maybe throw down a layer of paint or two.

I think I've found my pizza place, as the wait is always at least an hour, but the pie is always hot and totally worth it when it finally gets to my crib. I plan on ordering pizza most of the weekend, as I loathe preparing/cooking food when I'm being all handy about the house and shit.

I've never heard of an Asian guy named Oscar before this, but that's not why you should watch it. It's fantastic!

A Mormon missionary said hello to me at the bus stop this morning. I just said "No!"-BK

Somewhere deep inside.

2009-07-12T22:11:00.004-04:00

Trish, this is a million, billion times better than the Jonas Brothers.

Trish and I were discussing the lack of depth in modern pop music over mac and cheese. She persuaded me to come over and meet her dog, Cooper, with an offering of food. It worked. I'm most likely going to adopt him, but I need to see him again, and make sure he isn't high on Advantix. I've been wanting a dog of my own since the day I drove away from my parents' house towards Colorado in 2006, and now it's(probably) happening. I rule.

A dog is such a great companion, and until you live without one, and worse, mourn the death of one, you don't realize how much of your heart you give to them. I got a lot of heart to give as of late too.

Live performance of Abba. Even more impressive.

We didn't even specifically discuss Abba, I just fucking love Abba.

By the way, if you don't like pop music, you're a faggot. I know that doesn't make sense to you, but I live in my own world, and it makes sense to me. Perfect sense.

Making more progress on the removal of random stuff from the house. Expect another picture of a big pile of garbage sometime this week. Pulled out all of the carpet anchoring strip stuff too. Might start that project tomorrow, as it was hot all weekend and I hate profuse sweating on my days off.

Will probably rent a car next Sunday to pick up flooring and paint from Lowe's. Unless, of course, one of the six or seven loyal readers wants to ferry my ass around. Pizza, gas, and gratitude if you're down. You don't even need a big car or anything! No heavy lifting either! Email me right the fuck now at kennbenny667@gmail.com.

This is just brutally funny. I've watched this about ten times. I used to play this game for hours upon hours upon hours.

Off Tuesday, which means I'm venturing out to see Bruno, and then actually dragging my ass back onto a stage to tell some jokes. It has been far too long, and I am far too funny to allow for the far too longness of things.

Also have a court-mandated class/interview to determine how much of a drinking problem I have. I'm hoping for "Irish Chicago cop, circa 1972" but I'll settle for "Bret Michaels on a Tuesday." Hope that doesn't mean I have to inject myself with herpes.

Caught Manhunter on TV the other day at work. Although it sounds as if it would be homosexual pornography, or worse, a reality television program, it is actually one of the lost gems of Eighties cinema. It was directed by Michael Mann and stars Tom Noonan, Brian Cox, Dennis Farina, Joan Allen, and William Petersen. Everything about this movie works well with the other aspects of the movie. The set design, music, cinematography, acting, and direction are perfect. See it. My favorite thing about Mann films is the way he lights and uses cityscapes and horizon, and his outstanding soundtracks.

What the fuck, let's do four videos today! You only live once. Just as good, if not way better, than Norton and Hopkins.

(That little reality TV joke I threw in was cute, don't ya think? I liked it. Patted myself on the back. Got fingernail caught in tuft of back hair. Somewhat painful.)

I've taken to washing my clothes with cold water in an attempt to save some money. Unfortunately, I take forty minute showers, so I think I'm just gonna break even on this one.

Watched somebody stall out a late model Ferrari downtown today. Pointed and laughed as loudly as I could, which is quite loud. Called them a douche, too. If you can't listen to an engine, what good is a three hundred thousand dollar car?

Do I look like I play basketball?-BK

Nothing but violence all day.

2009-07-09T12:47:00.002-04:00

I think all the speculation and whatnot about Michael Jackson's death is growing rather tiresome. They did blood work. It will come back. It will most likely tell us all what we all already know. He was a physically tortured man who played a dangerous game and lost, big time. He should be remembered as more than a tragic figure, and I fear he won't be.

Working six days a week, saving what I can, surviving. Hope to accomplish a lot on Sunday with the house. Have to cut the grass soon, too. That's a sure sign of adulthood, cutting grass, your own fucking grass. The little things about home ownership hit you in the oddest ways.

GM looks to be coming out of bankruptcy protection after only thirty-nine days. Kind of amazing what the government can accomplish when it sets it's mind to it. Unfortunately for a lot of Americans, GM did not have AIDS or live in poverty. If only...

Lots of interesting shit left in the house that I will either be putting up on Ebay or giving away for free. Stay tuned.

Been eating a lot of cheese lately. Way more than usually. Inside of batter, inside of pretzels, sliced, upon sandwiches, in cube form, shredded, on bean burritos, and liquid, on nachos. Conclusion: Cheese is fucking good! I would never be able to go fully vegan. Never. My vegan wallet and clothing choices will just have to do, I suppose.

I have been out of aluminum foil for a month now. I have been to the grocery store at least four times in that space of time. I need to make a prison tattoo gun, like in Memento, and get my shit in line.

My Facebook friends count is fast approaching, and, I suspect, will ultimately eclipse and surpass my MySpace friends count. What does this mean for you, dearest reader? Not much. But you should follow me on Twitter, as my Twitter friends count is far lower, and it feels lonely sometime. Plus, I'm a fucking genius, and my Tweets will rock your socks.

That's a dumb expression, "rock your socks." What does it even mean, really?

Makes me laugh.

My sister has a Boxer. She is a traitor to the Lab.

Jimmy Fallon has a billion times the budget of Craig Ferguson, but about 1% of the talent.-BK

Do you know what it is to feel the light of love inside of you?

2009-07-07T01:51:00.004-04:00

The titles of my blog entries are sometimes random song lyrics that bounce around in my head from time to time.

The title of today's blog is, no bullshit, a Dave Matthews Band lyric. I've always had a lukewarm(at best) view of their music, but as a live entity, they are impressive to watch. It's not all dark prose and witty banter in Ben Kenny's head all of the time. Thought you might need/like to know that. If I could pick one venue to start a stampede in though... I mean, not that I'd want to, but the amount of "bro," khaki, and bad weed I could eliminate from the planet... I might get a medal or something...

Lots of shady ellipsis action above. Sorry...

(Did you catch the intentional written joke? Goddamn I'm witty.)

They need to tour again.

Watched a chef argue with a young tweaker couple on the bus today. I sided with the chef, silently, in my head, as I tend to "go to eleven" in conflicts. It's not a good thing for anyone involved. Anyways, meth addict women shouldn't really talk about how much they love dick when there are a bunch of children on the bus. Meth addict women shouldn't really talk, period, I guess. I know she represented Mt. Oliver though, which is more than I ever really wanted to know to begin with.

Daily bus/bus stop conversation:

Random fellow- You work at Southwest? Are they hiring?

Ben Kenny- No. Please pull your pants up.

There were furries on the bus yesterday too. Good people, those furries. Salt of the earth type of folks. Let your freak flag fly, this is fuckin' America!

Holy shit!

Watched a bunch of luminaries, icons, and legends eulogize Michael today. The most touching, poignant, and accurate eulogy came from his eleven year-old daughter. One sentence said it all. I teared up a little. Had to leave the break room.

Oh man, you scared the shit out of me!-BK

Songs of Faith and Devotion.

2009-07-05T13:00:00.003-04:00

Downtown was a madhouse yesterday. I knew I would spend money on overpriced food, but had no idea I'd wait an accumulated hour and a half in line to buy three items. I will say this though, all three were very good, and two were nice and hot, the third(actually, first) being ice cream. It's weird though. I cannot honestly remember the last time I've eaten ice cream that did not have some incarnation of peanut butter in it. I'm not upset by that, I'm just saying.

Then I went to the Moose. No Eighties music on account of the holiday, but some pretty decent bands were playing for free, and my bartender bought me a drink, so no complaints.

By the way, I'm drinking again. Since I'm no longer driving, fuck it, you know?

Plans for the rehab are coming into focus, and I am making much better progress than I thought I would. Whether or not I get much, if anything, done during my work week remains to be seen. Next Saturday is carpet tearing up day, which shouldn't be too difficult, but I'm sure something will pop up and fuck me in the ass.

Here's 20% of what needs to be thrown out.

It's mostly light and manageable, but it's so very, very dirty and the work is tedious. But I found a radio, and it helps to pass the time.

So there's been a lot of shitty, low-brow Michael Jackson stuff as of late. Not this though. Although in relative bad taste, this has to be the funniest thing I've seen about his death. The "It's Tito!" kills me!

Work tomorrow after my glorious days off. Blughr.

I think I may buy an iPhone, for real this time, finally. Although I have few friends I call, the mobile abilities and sheer radness of the device make it something I can no longer turn my selectively elitist nose up at. Yes, I think it will happen. There might even be a corporate discount on the rate plan. Gotta check on that.

This guy is just an outstanding, amazing talent. Unfortunately for his career, he happens to be gay, which means he's somehow unmarketable to a lot of the mainstream. Such a unique and original voice.

No, you fucking cut the line, and me and more twenty-five friends don't take kindly to it, bitch.-BK

The broken light.

2009-07-03T20:39:00.003-04:00

Negotiated some deals at work and found myself with five days off.

Hold on a minute. Ice cream man coming down block.

(Hero/Author Ben Kenny goes to get ice cream. He assures his third person narrator, who, sadly, cannot enjoy the taste of said ice cream, that it is fucking delicious.)

Where were we... oh yes, five days off of work.

I'm using the time to help the person I bought my home(a duplex) from move his 70 years' worth of possessions out. Everything he wanted to take with him is pretty much gone, leaving me with an empty first floor and a basement filled to the brim with odds and ends that I'm either carrying to the curb, putting into the "maybe" pile, or saving for personal use.

I hope to have the upstairs apartment, where I currently reside, on the market by September 1st, giving me about two months to do "light rehab" work on the first floor apartment, which I intend to make my permanent abode. I need to paint things to my liking, and will attempt to replace or refinish the floors, as the carpeting is ancient, and needs to come up and out. Should be fun, David Carradine style.

Homeownership is a real motherfucker, that I know for sure. The "worth it" part is a few decades down the line, I guess.

Used my first day off to take in Public Enemies, which is a really fantastically made and acted film. The camera work and editing still stick out in my head. See that shit, yo.

That apartment by the way? I'm renting it out for 420 bucks, plus utilities. Maybe less if you're a friend and/or associate of mine. Two bedrooms, new appliances, semi-pet friendly, in a quiet, residential neighborhood. Get the word out on that shit, yo.

Oh milky-white-skinned emo girls, how I pine for thee. Until I have a conversation with you. Great band. Rainer Maria.

I am tearing through pizza places in an attempt to find my "home" parlor. There have to be at least a dozen independently owned pizza places within five miles of my place. My stomach is having it's own personal Summer of Love.

More to come when it warranted. Even equal or maybe better, if it's got a warrantee.

Later, paralyzed crazy lady.-BK

Champagne from a paper cup.

2009-06-29T19:23:00.003-04:00

So I've been riding the bus for a while now. Although I can (barely)afford to buy another car, I think I'm going to stick to public transport for the next month or six.

In actuality, "the bus" is generally not all that bad. I am saving money, both on transportation and eating out, and am so much more organized than I ever was before. I know EXACTLY what time I need to be at the stop, and my life revolves around that time, no matter where I may be going to or coming from. I carry much less shit with me. No more lugging my laptop around, or a plethora of notebooks, etc.. It's just my food for the day, a single notebook, a simple house key, maybe a rain jacket, etc.. I am also losing weight, as I walk almost three miles home from the busway nightly, as the buses don't run towards my neighborhood that late. I get to do a lot of thinking on those walks, as my iPod shit the bed, and I've got more pressing ways to spend dollars.

Lately, I've been going back and forth about the status of my life, i.e. direction or lack thereof. The thing is, I've never, as long as I've been alive, really felt the need to move my life in any sort of direction. I am content to take things a day at a time, and to make the most of most everyday I can. I define "the most" as anything from catching up on sleep and watching South Park on DVD, to cleaning my place from head to toe and riding my bike twenty miles.

Well, not really. I never clean my place.

Anyways, something that's been fucking killing me lately is comedy, and my relation to it. You see, comedy is the only thing in my life that I feel "home" doing. This kills me, because I have been in a severe creative rut lately. I am not writing as much or as well as I was in years past, and I do not want to bring shit to the stage. I never, ever, force myself to write. I let it come to me, and it just hasn't been coming like I want it to, and it's so confusing.

Also, I've sort of reached a breaking point with the Pittsburgh scene. As a creative person, I draw inspiration from the people, as well as the things, around me, and quite frankly, the majority of Pittsburgh comics don't really... uh, just "ugh" I guess. I'm not going to insult people I've come to respect.

If you don't like them, you deserve to die a horrible death and an IRS audit.

Unions aren't Socialist at all.-BK

The Glove will never fit another.

2009-06-27T14:52:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe Michael Jackson is dead. I was born in 1984, and he was the first person I ever idolized. When I was six or seven, I had a black leather jacket with zippers all over it, just like the one he wore in the Bad video. As simply as it can be put, his work wasn't merely part of pop culture, it was pop culture.

It's an easy time to take shots at the man, but, for the most part, I'm not doing it. His life was extraordinary in every aspect, both good and bad. He was a flawed person, probably a tortured soul, denied his youth and ostracized for attempting to reclaim a part of it. He helped tens of millions of people through his music, charity work, and simple presence.

Find me one album with the production level and general start-to-finish awesomeness of Thriller, I fucking dare you to.

Thanks for the music Michael, you gave more of yourself than you could handle, and I will cherish your memory always.

I guarantee you Weird Al sees a rise in sales.-BK

You can't catch the 21F today.

2009-06-08T22:32:00.004-04:00

Where the fuck have I been?

Well, I decided to take a bit of time away from blogging in order to dedicate more of myself to Tweeting.

Christ, that might be the most depressing sentence I've ever written, and yes, I'm including my early comedy material in that conclusion.

Twitter, though addictive, is pretty fucking dumb. Stike that. Twitter isn't dumb, it's users, however, seem to be, by and large, very stupid. I'm no Steven Wright, but I'm far and away better in short form than the majority of "Tweeters" comedians, both famous and non, included.

The thing is, just because something is short does not mean it's okay to be thoughtless! Stop, stand back from your thought, and make it interesting! Twitter is just proving that we're a dull, television obsessed, lazy society.

Ugh.

My life has pretty much been almost total shit this last month or so. Yes, I have my house, but in acquiring it, and dealing, in my own "barely-functioning alcoholic" way, with the stress(es) involved, I've pushed away, seemingly permanently, a few people who I value and respect much more than I let on. It's not fair to them, and if they happen to read this, maybe the previous words can say more than my mumbled phone voice could. Sorry, but it's best for both of us. Well, I really only care about me, ok? It's best for fucking me.

This sentence's purpose is to let you know that Sammy Hagar is/was the best singer of Van Halen.

I stopped drinking. The hard way. For the time being. Hopefully for an entire year, but time, stress, and my addiction to fun will tell. When you wake up behind the steering wheel of a crashed car, you're forced to face the hard truth about your lifestyle, and your lack of self control. Luckily, I did not injure or kill anyone, but I very easily could've, and I know for a fact I would not have been able to go on living if that had happened, so, logically, I can't let that happen. Because I aspire to get into idealized Christian heaven, and suicide is wrong, yo.

Look for me to be "stepping my blog game up" in the future. Maybe not to my former daily posting self, but a few times a week.

"And all I remember, was how hard we tried, only to surrender."-BK

Little Jesus are you watching me?

2009-05-14T01:14:00.000-04:00

Saw a hipster kid on my way out of the bank. Plunging v-neck shirt revealing some retarded phrase tattooed across his breastbone, cardigan, ridiculous sunglasses, expensive haircut, tight jeans, etc. I have never felt the need/desire to commit a random act of violence before this morning. I wanted to turn around and just hit him until I got tired, or arrested, but I didn't, as I needed to get to Taco Bell before the lunch rush hit.

I had a cheese roll-up, triple layer nachos, and a bean burrito. It was spectacular. Haven't even been farting more than I normally fart, which is more than enough already.

I'm now a homeowner. Closing on a house is pretty much the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done. Well, that, and watching the body to make sure it was going to sink. Think I'll stick with acquiring property, as the scheming is so much more intense and adrenalizing, Fret not, I'll still kill people, but I'll keep to the forest(s) of PA for disposal-related matters.

There is a huge pile of clothing that I am either too fat, too skinny, or too tasteful to wear in the center of my living room. Some lucky hipster's going to hit it big at the Red, White, and Blue Thrift Store sometime next week. To those midwestern folks reading this, the RWB blows both Salvation Army and Goodwill thrift stores out of the water. It's like a regular store, but full of awesomeness and groovy, groovy deals.

That's right. I'm bringin' "groovy" back, both as a word, and a vibe.

I know I've been away from long form life status updating for a bit. Just imagine how awesome you think it was, and then add Slayer, and you might have a close approximation.

The made-up is way funnier than actually subtitling it.-BK

Purchased Music.

2009-05-01T02:21:00.004-04:00

Goddamn. Old school alternative. Fucking killer! Thank you Terry Jones!

So the Wolverine movie was a substantial disappointment. The visuals were cool, if somewhat cartoonish, but the writing was oh so horrible! The one-liners fell flat(in a packed theater), the actors seemed restricted instead of hammy, and the audience could not get behind Logan, probably because he had too many enemies to juggle.

Sabretooth is a great villian, as are Stryker and Weapon X. Any of the three could provide a great nemesis to Wolverine, but all three together are too distracting and don't give the audience a chance to really get to hate any of them.

What they did to Deadpool is inexcusable, and Gambit has to be getting set up for a bigger role in the sequels.

Ate veggie lasagna yesterday. I now have a severe gas leak. No tangible visual results as of yet. It was delicious though, and I'd eat it again.

I wear down tires way too fast on my car, even by my aggressive driving standards. Gotta get an alignment check or some shit.

These are all hilarious! Little Britain over any other sketch show out today! Even though I don't have cable...

Alright folks, I am fucking tired of the double standard women put forward! I had the misfortune of encountering a bachelor party at, of all places, the Smiling Moose a few weekends ago. Chicks drunk on light beer collectively adorned with more phalluses than the entire inventory of many adult stores. However, I am uncouth in my "the boss let me borrow the work van, wanna fuck in it?" approach(es)? I think I need to move to another era. 1950's, I'm lookin' at you!

Sign of adulthood #381: While strolling through Millvale, I noticed a young man smoking a cigarette. As a youth, and currently, when drunk, I myself have been known to take a puff or two. But I made a mistake today. Without even thinking, I look at this kid and say "what are you, fucking twelve!?" and keep walking the opposite direction. I've become the Man. God help me. Gold help us all.

God probably wouldn't help me until He's helped all of you though, on account of my atheism. But I have kept quiet about a certain Father Klinger all these years, so you never know. He owes me a solid.

I smoke whatever's available when I'm drunk, by the way. Cigarette wise, I mean. All smoke tastes the same, i.e. bad, but it's an orally pleasant activity, and swine flu is going to kill us all, so fuck it, ya know?

I may have listened to INXS in excess! (Yes, I'm that good.)

One thing at a time, hombre.-BK

You know that I could use somebody.

2009-04-30T00:55:00.002-04:00

Swine flu mania strikes the Iron City! Saw my first medical mask-wearing dummy at the airport today. I'm fairly sure they were wearing the mask as a cute, but utterly useless deterrent, because run of the mill germaphobes are not morbidly obese, and they sure as hell don't pick up newspapers.

Christ, Westerners are pathetic! Do you know how many people in the Third World have some sort of respiratory influenza right now?? How many are getting antibiotics? We should follow their example and just go away for a few days, and if we don't die, come back to our houses, which aren't, coincidentally, made of dung and four miles from a well. Man up, America!

I've been thinking of growing a hipster mustache. Or a child molester mustache. I'm not really sure what difference, if any there is, but I don't think I have the long term commitment required to pull it off. It would take me literally six weeks to grow any sort of discernible mustache, and even then, half the kids in your average middle school could put me to shame. Besides, I don't really need the mustache to look like the kind of dude who might be prone to twittering a kid or three. Genetics took care of that quite well already.

Now that the Kings of Leon are famous, the hipsters have abandoned them, which is good for people like you, and people like me. Notice how I didn't say "people like you and me?" It's because very few people are like me. This is both good and bad, often at the same time. Anyways, Kings of Leon are really good, and worthy of your music-buying dollar. White boy soul never gets old or cliche. Michael McDonald would be proud.

Speaking of Michael McDonald... RECOGNIZE! Fucker can s-i-n-g!

I put fake Italian sausage in some pasta last night. It was very good. The Dr. Pepper only made things better.

I would like to start drinking wine with the meals I am getting more into cooking, but I know my palate is not sophisticated enough, and if I'm paying that kind of money for booze, I'd prefer to hang with my tried and true friend, Mr. Daniel's. Jack is like a dog that never runs away and always sticks his head out of the window while you're driving. (Don't worry, it makes sense to me.)

I still have much to learn in this life.

Re-emerging myself in the music of The Beatles, in particular, Rubber Soul and Revolver. How did four men and various side musicians and producers make such great music happen as amazingly as they did? Worse than The Riddle of Steel, this is. Less than three minutes in length, but entirely timeless.

Seriously, close your eyes and play the video above again. If you don't understand that you're insignificant immediately, kill yourself.

It's not like a fetish or anything, I mean, I don't NEED you to be covered in nacho cheese or anything...-BK

Gilbert Grape Juice.

2009-04-28T10:04:00.000-04:00

He is too fearless and true to his heart to be as famous as he deserves to be. Definitely one of the torch bearers for me.

I put these bastards together for dinner last night. Morningstar burgers with melted American and Cheddar cheese diced up so the buns could better receive them. Fried up some peppers for them too. Very, very good.

I've been trying to motivate myself to start exercising again, in small doses, but even that seems too much to ask of me. Maybe I've been drinking too much instead of dancing. I used to dance for at least two hours a few nights a week, but I've cut that down and refocused that energy on booze. Best to turn the tables. By the way, I don't just "sway" when I dance. I get physical. I like to wave my arms, stomp my feet, spin/twirl around, and be a sweaty, carefree manbeast out there. I gotta find that fire again! Just writing about it makes me miss it!

This blew my mind. Soooooooo creative. Last clip is incredible!

Friday is Wolverine. Which means Terminator is on the horizon, growing steadily larger. It's going to be a great movie summer!

Speaking of Terminator, "they" cancelled TTSCC! This makes me very made. It's really shitty for networks to change a program's timeslot to Friday nights. Especially a science-fiction/action program. It's demographic of 18-40 year-old men is out doing things on Friday nights, and the nerd core is not strong enough to draw advertising dollars with it's meager Nielson numbers! Oh well, guess I'll just drink on Fridays now. Friday night used to be the traditional Ben Kenny night of rest, but unless and until some other show captures my heart, booze will work it's way back onto the scene.

Twitter is popular because it's easy. It's not some revolution, or a new era. It's just easy and quick, the way Americans, and from our influence, the world, likes it.

So this Swine Flu seems to be a real bad ass motherfucker. Better stock up on ginger ale and make sure I have saltines and toast. I ain't scared if I got saltines! Do your worst!

Running both at the same time is not advisable.-BK

Peen.

2009-04-27T18:24:00.000-04:00

This month's GQ has a great interview with Jay Leno. I never liked Leno when I was younger, in part, probably, because he is so damn likable without looking to be liked. What I used to think was hacky I now realize is smart business, and Jay Leno and his staff are very good at that business. This is a group of people who write and perform wide ranging stand-up comedy that is performed nightly for tens of millions of people, and they've been doing it for almost twenty years.

Contest happened. I'm not even sure if I can say I did bad or good. I was there, existing, and that will have to be enough.

One of the best frontmen ever. Genre unimportant.

If I were a pro wrestler, this would be my entrance theme.

Woke up this morning. Used the washroom. Retired to bed until 2:30 PM. Yes!

I'm thinking Arby's as well.-BK

If you only hear it in the night.

2009-04-24T02:11:00.003-04:00

This house is going to fucking be mine, and it's both exciting and utterly terrifying.

It takes roughly, 4:13 to get home from Belvedere's whilst drunk at 1:24 in the morning with, in the words of the Konkdaddy, "a mighty poo a-brewin'." Thought you might like to know that. Don't know how long it will take with the new place. It's further, and by common logic, longer, so I may need to locate, field test, explore, and refine, "emergency" option(s.)

Hey fuck-suck! Yes, you! Got nothing to do on Saturday night!? Well, you and your associate(s), family members, pussy/cock connection(s), and life-long friends should come out to the Royal Place, and watch me win the comedy contest. That's right, I intend to dominate the fuck out of it! This is where lesser comedians (i.e. every comedian not Ben Kenny) would beg you to vote for them, but I know that you will anyways, as I'm going to be miles above and kilometers further than any other comic there. That's a guarantee you can take to the motherfucking bank! Please use PNC though, as I hate service fees.

Seriously, my beloved bitches, it's only five bucks, and the drinks are about as cheap as you're ass is gonna find in the Iron City on a Saturday night. Besides, it would mean a significant amount of a lot to me if yinz folks could make it out. Tell them you came to see Ben Kenny, and make sure your bring protection. It's going to be like a Gallagher show, circa 1987, but with slightly less blood and screaming. Contact me for more info and directions, or just if you're feeling lonely and need a friendly finger or two to ride. I offer the fingers, because I'm drunk on the weekends, and I get mad whiskey dick.

I used to have khaki Dickies. Sometimes, in the middle of the night/early morning, like when this was written, I sigh, and miss them with all of my heart.

Here's a song that is not heard nearly enough these days.

Eighties was pretty "off" feeling last night. Or perhaps it just felt that way because I was sober.

Anyone dumb enough to let family manage their career deserves to lose money.-BK

Personal Legend.

2009-04-23T00:44:00.004-04:00

I thought about Taylor Swift's pubic hair grooming habits today. It's best not to ask why, and just accept, like with Dane Cook. Mostly because my lack of an answer would force me to spin into an uncontrollable, Hulk-like rage.

Departed work early to see a baseball game. Sat in the absolute front row, on the baseline, trying not to stare at the asses of the first base coaches. These were the best seats I've ever had. We were literally close enough to see players flinch a little when others in our section heckled them, and at least twenty balls were thrown to our area of the course of the game.

Being this close does give one a new respect for the athleticism and skill required to play the game at the level they play, but they still make too much money!

Here are a few crappy cell phone pictures. The stadium was empty because it was fifty degrees and raining, and because it was the Pittsburgh Pirates against the Seattle Mariners.

I found myself at a Mazda dealership the other day, and a salesperson approached me. I hurled my feces at him. It's my subtle way of telling him I really am "just looking." The Mazda3 hatchback is a tight car though. Very tight. Sexy, yet attainable, much like Jenna Fischer. If I had to choose though, I'd take the car. Women don't come with steering wheel audio controls, something I miss dearly from my Saab era. Although it broke down all the time, it was still the most fun car I've ever had, and Mazda's engineering is comparable.

Recently, Rolling Stone actually ran a story about a legitimate musical talent, a man by the name of Kris Kristofferson.

Over the course of his life, the man has been an Army officer, a helicopter pilot, a singer/songwriter, actor, father to eight kids, daily drinker, political activist, and above all, a free spirit. He is America. Good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. He is a national treasure, and he'd probably punch you in the face for calling him one.

He wrote what I consider to be the best "country" lyric of all-time, quintessential, in fact:

"An' I shaved my face and combed my hair,
An' stumbled down the stairs to meet the day."

He's written countless songs for countless artists, and I chose this version of one especially because it is so drastically different from the popular version. Janis sang it with a lot of soul, which is great, but Johnny sat back a little, and let the weight of the words, the hurt and longing, sink into your heart.

I very much like Tweeting/Twittering. At least for the moment. Seems to be a tasty cultural flavor of the month. Easier than blogging, and twice as futile and stupid. Not onboard yet? Click right fucking here, or just look to your right if your reading this via Blogspot.

I know what you mean, except I've been asleep all day.-BK

I've jumped from every rooftop.

2009-04-20T15:26:00.002-04:00

I did something I haven't done in literally years the other night. I went out to a local comedy show merely to watch. It was Terry Jones' DVD taping, and it was a really fun time. I don't have any recent recollection of being as happy for someone as I was for Terry that night. The room was absolutely packed with his friends, family, and even a few fellow comics out to support him. He is the hardest working comic I know, and his natural comedic ability combined with that work ethic is going to take him very far in this game. He's only twenty-two, and he's far, far better than people who've been around for a decade. What makes Terry a unique and rare comic talent is the fact that he is a genuinely nice, pure soul. He likes life, and himself, and I think, no, I know, a lot of comics in this town are jealous of him for that.

Although our styles couldn't be much more different, we've become great friends based on our shared opinions about comedy. We are both students of the great Masters, and we try to apply their lessons in our art.

And we're both artists. The other night, Terry talked about comedy as an art in his webcam chat, and he was spot on.

Stand up is the hardest performing art. You have no band, usually no collaborator or visuals, and it's expected that you're writing the material in addition to performing it. We both want to see comedy get it's due as an art form. Great art, regardless of medium or form, moves the public watching it. Comedy does that through laughter, which somehow makes it seem less legit than painting or reciting lines that you have no emotional investment in.

Terry is like a Terminator. Others sleep and he's out killing.

What do you mean you've got no more chips!?-BK

Let's see a frown!

2009-04-17T17:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the world is against you, and you've got no one to rely upon but yourself, and you let it rip regardless. She seems like too polite of a woman to hold up both hands, middle fingers raised, but she has every right to. People like her inspire me to no end. I was truly moved by this. Sometimes, inherent goodness can triumph. Look for the reaction shots of Simon Cowell smiling. That says it all. The embedding codes on all the videos have been disabled, but click the link if you've ever had a dream.

I was looking forward to living it up yesterday, but I got a call from work, informing me that my presence was required at 5 AM this morning. Shit fuck!

I've driven past Dairy Queen about 8 times without ordering anything. I think that may change in the very near future.

What I would give to have been 17 years old instead of 1 year old in 1985.

It's the best movie about arm wrestling ever made.-BK

Bogo?

2009-04-16T12:21:00.004-04:00

Went to see Observe and Report yesterday. Fittingly, I will now report my observations about the movie to you.

What a horrible movie. Movies, and storytelling in general, are only effective when we can sympathize and identify with the characters, especially the leads. Their was nothing likable or endearing about the Seth Rogen character in this movie, and if he has to be extremely likable to be watchable, as he doesn't have looks to compensate for weak writing. This movie had no villain or main challenge, either, which, in movies is akin to setting a lifeboat adrift in an ice flow. Just dumb all around.

I can understand the intent of this movie, the writer/director wanted to win the audience over, Bad Santa-style, but his talent is not grand enough to support his vision. The new breed of comedy film is incredibly disgusting, but none forget to include the underlying sweetness of the human relationships involved. This one did, and the only reason it got put out there is because of the star power of the headliner.

Show last night didn't materialize due to hockey.

Looks like I'm hitting St. James like Tyson hit Givens. Maybe 80's night too. I don't have a fighting simile for that one, sorry.

Just awesome.

Here's some more animation. Just because Ben Kenny loves you, and wants you to have a smidgen of happiness in your day!

Saw the back of my head in a mirror yesterday. Shit. Just "Shit.". I am going bald. I have a bald spot. I am not "thinning." I am fucking "balding." I am twenty-five years old, and my body is dying on me already. This is why I'm reluctant to quit drinking. I do not want to get started on my back hair, which seems to have become sentient. Again... Shit.

Sixty cents off of every gallon of gas at some point this week. Cashing in my Eagle Fuel Perks is a monthly highlight. It don't take much to make me happy folks.

I am still waiting for my camera to get back from the shop. Then I will tape myself drunk, and you will never see it.

Up the hill a ways.-BK

Fake chicken nugget time!

2009-04-15T00:47:00.006-04:00

Well, I fucking did it. Finally.

www.twitter.com/benkennycomedy

Subscribe, and follow virtually constant updates about the banal aspects of my daily "life." I'm going to "tweet" the fuck out of this town! This will make my Facebook status update frequency look pathetic. Be warned.

George Michael is like the Superman of the entertainment industry. Only one thing can kill him, but no one seems to know what it is. As an entertainer, I idolize the guy. Killer style, great voice, and unshakable confidence. Cool for thirty years now. Think about that for a second. Thirty fucking years in an industry as picky as music! Massive ability. Massive!

Seether's cover of this song is absolutely horrid, but everyone in Pittsburgh is too stupid to realize it.

Mmm... that George Michael was pretty tasty. Best to chase him with some Meat Loaf.

Meat Loaf is one of those performers whose art is only really effective when he's going full bore, 100%, no mercy, kill em' all, no fear style. Great art is about sweat, passion, heart, and flair. Meat Loaf had it in troves. He had(still has) a surplus of ass kicking talent.

---

Speaking of extraordinary talent, I put on pants, and went out in the rain to perform for about six people tonight. A lot of comedians are too "big" for a room like that, but fuck them. I had a great time, and more importantly, I was funny! I'd rather be performing for six people than no one, any night of the week, any place, anytime.

I think comedians who think a show is below them are fucking stupid. Especially in Pittsburgh. Blow me if you disagree, but please, be classy about it. By "classy" I mean no teeth.

Two days off. What to do?

I know! Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Eat some cookies, maybe make a little mac n' cheese, and sleep.

Being in Chicago for Easter kind of reaffirmed how lame the town is. It doesn't suck or anything, but it's not the greatest place ever. People are always surprised to find out I'm from the Windy City, and have willingly moved away from it. It's just a town, a place. It is the kind of place you make it out to be, I guess. I just didn't really want to live there forever. So I moved. Simple, right?

Honestly though, I will never move back to Chicago. Too much to see. Too much to do.

Been frying up some eggplant as of late. Shit's really good.

Monday, in addition to being the anniversary/remembrance of the Oklahoma City bombing, Waco massacre, Hitler's birthday, and pot smoker day, is the Shadow Lounge! I'll be there talking about all/some/none of the above, and I'll be worth watching. As if I wasn't enough to draw you away from whatever bullshit network reality television you watch every Monday, other comedians will be there too! I guarantee at least one good joke that sexualizes food. I think that's the Columbine anniversary too, but I celebrate that every hour of every day, so I'm not certain.

It's kind of weird, scary, and disturbing how much common ground I can find with a lot of the "extremists" in the world today. I think my atheism and relative lack of views based on race/ethnicity keep me on the other side of the river from most of them, and I'm pretty thankful and happy for that.

Politically, I firmly believe that the government's role and influence in the daily lives of Americans should be severely reduced, but I don't believe government itself is evil by default. I think once any entity gets too big and too old, it starts to die, and attempts to validate itself through domination. I also believe peanut butter anything is delicious!

It's not "gyro" you douches! A gyro stabilizes something. When's the last time you didn't have to shit within hours of eating one?! The Defense rests, Your Honor.-BK

Terrifying.

2009-04-12T13:47:00.000-04:00

Relaxing at home, or, in actuality, merely the house I grew up in. Ahhh.

Back in the swing of things in PGH next week. It's gonna be a big fucking week, too.

Tuesday, I'll be at the Smiling Moose, as regular as rain in Portland.

Wednesday, I'll be at The Obey House, with Brad Ryan, cracking wise and eating fries.

Thursday, maybe the St. James Place. Even though I may not make it, you should still go, as it's a good time.

Saturday is Terry Jones DVD taping. Be there for that shit. Fucking be there!

The 25th is the competition finals. Information on the will be forthcoming.

And now, some observations about DirectTV:

Hmmm. Patrick Swayze dying of cancer doesn't really justify the shitty-ass TV show he's in. It blows.

Dennis Quaid is a far better Doc Holliday than Val Kilmer, but Kurt Russell is a more badass Wyatt Earp than Kevin Costner.

Pale Rider is still better than both of the films alluded to above. Fiction kicks ass.

Superbad rocks too.

Quite possibly the best photo ever taken. At least the best non-sexual photo. Although I suppose somewhere, someone, is or will be getting off to it. This photo makes the April cover of the Life magazine in my head.

Only in Germany!

This is the best ever!-BK

...a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?

2009-04-10T01:05:00.005-04:00

I'm not writing as often because I'm "over" it, as the kids say. Everyone assumes I'm sad because I'm not shitting onto a keyboard everyday, but I'm still me, just with less of a general interest in electronic shitting at the moment.

What am I going to do this upcoming weekend in Chicago?

Good question. So glad you asked:

1. Eat pizza. Probably Phil's.
2. Drink.
3. Maybe head to the city, go dancing, call a girl I know who has a "coke dealer" apartment in a high rise that overlooks Lake Michigan, dance with her, grope her, et. al.
4. See my extended family, but not my parents, as they will be spending their Easter in Arizona, as they are old.
5. Probably hit a Noodles and Company. That place is fucking good!
6. Drink.

The consensus seems to be that my post about my disregard and lack of respect for police officers was overly aggressive and wrong. Well, the crowd is not always right.

This is a "pants pisser" of a good commercial. Memorable, and funny. Tears from the eyes of the Ben Kenny.

Eighties Night(nite?) was super fun yesterday. Quite drunk even before I rolled in. Met up with Steve and Trish, who're both old enough to remember Boy George with zero sense of irony. No dancing though. Had a sportcoat on, and sweat don't suit it very well.

Donora. A breathtaking local band that should no longer be local. They should be huge, and scoff and sigh pretentiously when interviewers mention their Pittsburgh roots. Cross the bridge out of this town slowly, while spreading an accelerant, and set it alight. Never look back, and never acknowledge it's existence. Keep Pittsburgh secret!

Relatively rare. The Great getting physical. Pryor doing "regular" comedy. Still crazy good, and better than virtually every comedian ever!

Bip, bop, bip, bop, bip, bop, bip, sha, la, la, te, da, la!-BK

Double-sided marital aid.

2009-04-08T09:25:00.000-04:00

In comedy, at the end of a set, an engagement, a career, and a life, only one thing ever truly matters. Making them laugh. PERIOD! It doesn't matter what "they" think of you after. Just make them fucking laugh DURING! If you can do that, no matter how you do it, you walk away a winner. No one can take that away from you. If they try, fucking stab them with something.

Been listening to Mastodon's new joint, Crack the Skye, pretty much nonstop. It's the best album I've heard in a long ass time, probably since NIN's With Teeth. Get on it.

One of the best songs ever, and incredible creativity and ability.

I grow fond of Jack and Gingers. Smoked two cigarettes last night. Naughty!

So many comedians yesterday. Not a whole lot to do about it.

Possibly the most underrated comic out there today.

I'm going upstairs for a pretzel, yo.-BK

I know your mind is made up.

2009-04-06T08:06:00.003-04:00

Shit, Goddamn, Velveeta is now making single serving sizes of their venerable shells and cheese. They cost a buck thirty-five, and instead of requiring you to mix powder like Easy Mac, come with a packet of cheese sauce. They are sooooo fucking good. Just the thing to nosh on at 5 AM before descending into Hell, AKA the bag room, for a fun-filled day of hurling luggage around.

Three Pittsburgh cops were recently killed in the line of duty, and I'm just sick of hearing about it!

Just because a cop got killed on the job does not make him a hero. It isn't a "tragedy" either. While it's certainly a shitty thing, cops aren't innocents. Cops are very well paid to do what they do, and the majority of their time, they aren't doing shit. Most cops go through their entire career without ever firing a round.

Let's be honest, the vast majority of police officers are dickheads. I'm a 25 year-old white guy with a clean description and newer car, and even I feel hassled by these pricks. Cops don't have the willpower or balls to take control as individuals, so they use a law enforcement career as some sore of gigantic bolster.

Cops write tickets to pay their salaries and partially finance the department's operations, not to keep you or the public safe. Cops don't care about you or me.

I guess what I'm trying to say has best been said already, so I'll drop the quote. In the words of the immortal O'shea Jackson, "Fuck da police!"

Forgot to mention a pretty kickin' rock show I attended the other evening after my pretty kickin' comedy show. I caught the end of The Cheats, a seminal PGH punk act, whom I enjoy quite a bit and the entire set by The River City Rebels, who I initially received poorly, but soon warmed up to. They played incredibly tight and basically impressed me, even if they're of the "Irish drinking song" punk ilk.

I used to totally hate punks, still keep my distance from them. Punk rock is inherently hypocritical in nature. Everyone has different definitions of what's punk, what isn't, what selling out is, what isn't, edge vs. drunk kids, skins, queers, etc... Just shut your fucking mouths, look towards the stage, and have a good time!

Had I been around and about town in the later seventies and early eighties I would most likely have been wearing leather pants instead of leather jackets, bracelets instead of tattoos, and a black or purple button up shirt instead of a wife beater. My hair would have been spectacular.

I may even make it out to Belvedere's this week. It has been too long since I sweated through my jeans. Too many goddamned hipsters there though.

Ben Kenny: "So what do you do?"

Douchebag Hipster Chick: "I'm an artist."

BK: "Uh huh... but how do you pay the rent and afford those laughable glasses?"

DHC: "Banquet waitress."

(BK stands silently. Drinks his High Life tall boy. Wants a flamethrower badly.)

END SCENE.

This show is cancelled while the entirety of ABC remains on the air. Proof that God is dead.

Beautiful weather today. Not really.

House drama continues. No mistakes on my part.

One of my favorite song quotes, especially because this is so purely pop. "And now you tell me that you're having my baby. I'll tell you that I'm happy if you want me to."

I think I'm going eat mashed potatoes for dinner. An entire box. Should be starchy, to say the least.

Been writing a lot lately. Feeling good about the new material.

Anal bleaching is the new obsession at work. We're a filthy lot. Seriously. I'm not much for it, but my coworkers take pictures of their bowel movements and text them to each other. It's mildly hilarious to see/hear people's reactions. I keep my poop private, although I'm still an occasional "proud papa" giving names to go along with descriptions. Ask me about "The Pentagon" sometime. I love my job.

I'm serious dude, it was just like that part in Wild Things!-BK

Where in London to find you.

2009-04-05T21:13:00.000-04:00

Made me laugh.

Got a Ben Kenny? You're in Luck.

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more Ben Kenny slogans.

Getting warmer. Have been sleeping naked in preparation for full time naked sleeping season, which is coming up soon.

Not a lot of sleep last night. Two hours. Pants/drawers would not have helped.

I found a bottle of green Tabasco sauce in on my shelf, and a copy of Se7en in my fridge. Go figure.

Oh shit. Company party in Las Vegas. Oh shit.

Big time moment of clarity at yesterday's show. It hit me onstage, during my set. I make people laugh. In doing so, I feel like I'm worth something, like I actually have something to offer to the world. As I've said before, it's not about being famous, or "making it." It's as simple as doing it. Any venue, any time, any audience. I never worry about money. I care much more, so much more, about exposure. I want hundreds, thousands, and millions of people to see me, and I want 80% of them to laugh, and to laugh from their fucking bellies. I never want to walk into a room and make everyone laugh. It's a sign of compromise, of weakness. I don't want to water down my material. I don't give a flying fuck if you're offended by my retard bit because you second cousin, "Special Jimbo" was born with a disability. I'm not making fun of him. I'm not singling him out. I make fun of society, and the inherent weaknesses we have as a group. 2 out of 10 may not be able to take it. Fuck them!

Great song. Makes me sniffle a little. Even if it's associated with Cruel Intentions.

Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows, is an inspiration to ugly dudes everywhere. He makes me want to become a millionaire. The list of famous/hot chicks he's banged is impressive, even by "Bruce Willis" standards. His secret can't be in the hair. It just fucking can't be, because if it is, I'm fucked.

My work schedule this week is shit-fucked, but I'll be in Chicago this weekend.

What're you gonna do, strong-arm me?-BK

Make it or die.

2009-04-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

300 dollar speeding ticket the other day. Constuction zone. 25 over. 4:15 AM. Fuck you Officer. Guess who needs to get more money from his parents so he can afford his house? (Me. It's me.)

Check me out Friday night somewhere's in Ambridge with Billy Elmer and his gang of motley comedy friends. I'm going to tell jokes about the disabled, but I'll wink right afterwards so that everyone will feel justified for laughing, but still be all awkward when that intellectually disabled guy aggressively buses your table at Wendy's. I am a genius.

Spent a considerable amount of time looking into getting my boobies removed last night. I saw a surgeon about it when I was 22, and she advised me to wait until I was 25. Well, I'm 25, and about 35 pounds lighter than I was when I was 22, and they haven't gone anywhere. They even seem bigger, because I have so much less weight around my midsection. Bench presses don't make them go away either. So next winter, I'm going to take on significant debt to have flesh cut, burned, and sucked from my body. Medical Leave of Absence here I come! More expensive than killing myself, but I'm slowly coming around to daily existence on this planet, and want to stay a bit longer. Maybe have sex with the lights on AND my shirt off too. Maybe even with another person in the room. Maybe.

Listened to Ozzy while looking at before and after pictures. Not Sabbath. Ozzy. He should've died around 1995 or so. That way, he wouldn't of had to be remembered as a total fucking joke.

Tonight and Saturday you should head to the Moose and check out some comedian chick. It's ten bucks, and the drinks are cheaper than anywhere else on the South Side, although it being the Moose, you may get herpes from any or all of the people in attendance. Don't go Friday though. You've gotta drive out to Ambridge and see me bring the funny with Elmer and friends!

(Hey comics, notice how I promoted shows I'm not on? Imagine the promotion Ben Kenny can bring to you if YOU FUCKING BOOK HIM! I know you're scared everyone will notice how much funnier than you I am, but fucking deal with it. Just joking. Or am I???)

When I am forty, I am going to be the most jaded comic of all time. I'm basically going to be a droopy shouldered fatter/drunker version of myself, but without the fire of my fleeting youth, and hopefully, if things go according to plan, the tits too.

And now, ways I respond in my head to typical comments about my comedy endeavors:

"You do comedy!? Man, I couldn't do that." - - - No shit. Half the comedians in this room can't do it either.

"You do comedy!? Where at?" - - - Where do you think you stupid fuck!?

"You do comedy!? How long have you been doing it?" - - - Long enough to have seriously considered quitting. Several times.

"You do comedy!? Say something funny./Tell me a joke!" - - - It's five dollars upfront. You wouldn't fix my garage door or lance this boil for free, would you? Same concept applies.

"You do comedy!? Who's your favorite comedian? I think Paul Rudd is hilarious!" - - - You're not smart enough to warrant exposure to my favorite comedians. It would be a disservice to them.

"Man, you're really funny." - - - Please hit me in a crosswalk while drunkenly piloting your Trailblazer, douchebag.

That last comment just irks the everlovin' shit out of me. It's so generic that it isn't worth saying. If you're going to complement and/or critique a performer, any kind of performer, you need to be more specific. It let's us know what to keep, why to keep it, and how to make it better.

Super pissed I didn't do my new abortion stuff last night. It's cool though, as abortions never really go out of comedic vogue.

This is a long post.

Let's keep the Coldplay streak alive. This is one of the better songs off of their second to last album.

I have an abnormally large zit on the back of my neck. I think it may actually be a bite of some sort. The worst thing about it is that I can't watch pus fly out when I'm poking it. Major bummer.

Still one of the loudest bands I've ever seen. Perfect sound clarity though. Tool is a band you can't listen to 24/7. If you did, you risk losing the impact their music has. I'll catch flack for this, but they're better than Rush. If only slightly. Love how MJK performs from the back, strengthening the fact that the band is a unit.

I'm not going to get into this with you. You see, I'm smarter, more articulate, better educated. Most importantly, I'm right!-BK

At worst, I feel bad for a while.

2009-04-01T17:22:00.000-04:00

What do you think of the Obama Administration asking the CEO of GM to resign? Is it fair to ask for regime change if you're financing the company, or is it overstepping a bit? Are car salesmen taking less of a commission? Are hourly workers(who make, on average, 93k a year) working overtime for straight time pay? I don't fucking think so. People throughout GM are not effective or capable of doing their jobs as well as they should be. Just because the public face is gone doesn't mean the body is rehabbed. They'll hang the next CEO out to dry too. We're going to pay the bill. With our tax dollars.

85 million views. Talk about reaching people with your art. I saw him from twenty-five feet away once. Thought I was watching four people. He's that good, and an absolute master of a rare and hard talent. I think his writing is hacky, but his ability more than covers that weakness. Polished to a high sheen. Perfect.

That being said, I'd still rather watch this any day of the week.

Pound for pound and dollar for dollar, Bill Hicks was the greatest comedic mind of all time. Absolutely no fear of, or pandering to, his audience. He did things other comedians, famous or non, only dream about doing.

Speaking of great comedic minds, I had an unusually good time at the Moose last night. Some friends from work came out to see myself and The Chuck throw down, and we both managed to have good sets. My new jokes worked way better than expected, but maybe they were just laughing at me because they know me. That's why a rarely broadcast what I do to friends and coworkers. I don't want people who like me to come to shows. I want it hard.

Goals for spring: Get work at the Improv and oral sex at a movie theater. Doesn't have to be while a movie is playing necessarily, or even in the theater. I'll settle for stationary road head in the parking lot. It's just time to scratch some shit of off the list.

As far as work at the Improv, I need to start playing to bigger audiences and networking. I could give a shit about the talent I'm working with. Some are good, few are great, and most are forgettable. As a comedian, maybe it's more apparent to me when people are "phoning in" a show, but playing big rooms is not a sure sign of talent, it's a sign of drive.

Dairy Queen is open!

The Gmail April Fool's was awesome. Awesome!

Go ahead and pray for me. Doesn't change a thing.-BK

Lovers in Japan.

2009-03-30T19:20:00.002-04:00

I will own a home in less than ten days. (shudders and smiles)

Put myself into a heavy Coldplay space as of late.

John Cena makes Van Damme look like Van DeNiro.-BK

That type.

2009-03-29T07:50:00.000-04:00

I am really not too far off from being a caveman. Dinner consisted of three veggie hotdogs, sliced and thrown into a sauce pan of macaroni and cheese. The classy kind, with the actual semi-liquid cheese sauce. I ate it straight from the pan. You know how I do! I find that I have to set aside a portion of the food for "later" or tomorrow's meal prior to actually eating any part of the meal. I'm a glutton, and if you set something before me, it's going to fucking disappear in it's entirety. A preemptive strike is always necessary.

You know what, fuck these motherfuckers who are up in arms over the fact that the word "freedom" has been removed from the name of the building(s) being constructed at the site of the former World Trade Center. The World Trade Center was a business campus. People didn't "fight for the American way of life" inside of it. They processed credit reports, foreclosed on homes, jacked interest rates, brokered commodities, sued each other, and often broke laws. These are/were the class of people to take bonuses paid for with government bailout money. These people were in the wrong place at the worst time, not patriots. Their memories have been abused enough. Thousands of additional lives wasted to "avenge" them. Such a pity.

This is the best "children's" book of all time. I'm not sure if I like the idea of a film adaptation, but I'm still excited about it. Spike Jonze was definitely the right choice to helm it. Stop reading and go see Adaptation right now if you haven't already!

I saw a cardinal the other day. The bird, not the Catholic and/or baseball playing kind. Made my day. Hadn't seen one in years. Rednecks probably shoot at them a lot, and there are rednecks aplenty here in PA.

Hummed this while pooping sometime before the sun came up. Thought you'd like to know.

How bad is the new U2 album? Well the new(ish) Coldplay album is better by leaps and bounds, and that album isn't as good as previous Coldplay efforts, which, arguably, are not as good as early U2. That's how bad the new U2 is. I'd still listen to it over Fall Out Boy, any day of the week. Even if I was offered money, or even poon of some sort, to listen to said Fall Out Boy album.

Traffic? This early?-BK

Axl Rose, bud.

2009-03-28T17:11:00.002-04:00

While driving home from work today I decided to watch a few episodes of Firefly. Problem is, I don't actually own it. I've always borrowed it from friends or caught it on cable. For those of you who don't know, it was one of the greatest episodic Western/Science Fiction shows ever made. Incredibly creative, witty, and attention worthy! Also, Summer Glau came to the attention of my loins through this show, so I'd owe it even if I didn't love it!

It's spelled l-a-s-a-g-n-a.-BK

Brookline represent!

2009-03-27T07:43:00.000-04:00

This is a nice song. Nice lyrics. Nice melody. And, she sings with an English accent. Nice. Oh yeah, I almost forgot the two most important words: Third Nipple. Not in the video, but definitely on the girl. Google that shit!

When you're all grown up and shit you can do whatever the fuck you want. Just because. But you shouldn't. Not always, at least. Especially if it can be defined as eating only Burger King onion rings for dinner. Not one of my most intelligent moments, but gastro-intestinally endearing for sure.

I wrote 4 minutes on the Special Olympics yesterday. Hey, it's not my fault the intellectually disabled are also so very, very funny, in addition to staggering competence at one or two things! I don't know if I'll actually do the material, but it exists nonetheless.

Started work at the ultra late hour of nine in the morning today which means beautiful, precious sleep was had last night. I ravished that sleep. Ravished!

Got my gas bill yesterday. Holy shit!

Very astute of you.-BK

Pool on the roof must have a leak.

2009-03-26T03:58:00.000-04:00

I spent six dollars playing Skee ball yesterday. It was money well spent. I haven't been so relaxed in a long, long time. My mind was totally devoid of all thought for the forty minutes or so that I played and it was glorious.

I'm apparently doing a show at CMU this Saturday night. Details if and when they become available.

This really does a good job of illustrating just how good the live show is. This is, bar-none, the best concert ticket value right now. The "drum machine screen" is beyond belief.

Looks like the next month will be shitty for movies. May though. Oh boy May. It's gonna rock.

I've been thinking of dyeing my hair. Jet black. Just thinking. I don't think I will. Too thin, and don't want to make it look more apparent. Not me dummy. My hair.

Remember that contest I made the finals in? Yes, I'd forgotten it too! However, they've decided to hold the finals a mere six months after the last round and I've got nothing better to do, so April 18th it is! Big crowds. Twelve people.

Look for me at The St. James Place tonight, because I'll be there. Seething with hatred for everyone and everything, because that's who I am and what I do.

You know what video game "they" should adapt to the big screen next? Muthafuckin' Paperboy!

Made me laugh out loud instead of smirk and move on.

I'm worried. I haven't been looking at porn nearly as much as I used to, but I still have the same sex drive. Not that it really figures into the equation. I look at porn like other people look at uh... things that aren't porn, I suppose. I consider it sort of an unwitting art form of it's own. Really good porn stares it's nature in the face, embraces it's mediocrity, and than ejaculates onto it's chest. Then it licks it up, gargles, and spits it onto the camera lens. Figuratively, of course. Most of my porn comes from underground sources, is of questionable legality, and involves screaming.

I'm tired of rising before even the people who deliver newspapers.

Do you have chocolate?-BK

Three proven wells.

2009-03-25T10:43:00.000-04:00

Bird on cat eroticism. Love how the cat just lays there and takes it. Fucking hot.

The end of the home buying process draws nigh.

Bobby Jindal needs to learn how to lead before he perfects his bitching technique.

The Republicans should be afraid to attack Obama. He fucking steamrolled them. But as it's been said before, the problem is not with the political parties, the problem is the government! Vote Libertarian!

Got far too drunk last night.

I'm tired of the comedic discourse as of late. Really fucking tired, actually.

Are there good comedians in Pittsburgh? Of course there are.

Are there good venues in Pittsburgh? Yes.

Are the owners of these venues and the promoters of the evenings willing to financially stake their evenings? No.

Comedy in larger cities like Denver, Chicago, Atlanta, etc is successful not because of street promotion, but because of the media. You want people at shows? Put ads in the City Paper. Paid ads, not classifieds. Run the show better. Keep it tight. Don't let some drunk asshole(me, last night) do ten minutes of nothing onstage.

I have very few friends(by choice) and I'm not going to use them as pawns to get unpaid stage time. I respect them, and myself, too much.

(Not directed at Mitch or anyone specific, btw. Merely my observation.)

I love comedy, but not unconditionally.

Pittsburgh is a dumb town. People here like meat slathered in sauces, light beer, and sports. They do not have an artistically inclined mindset. I still like it here, enough to buy a home and make a play at a decent life, but I've accepted that that's the way it is.

I'm down for any show, at any time, but I'm not going to harbor false hope. There will never be a comedy scene in Pittsburgh worthy of nationwide attention. It ain't going to happen. The talent, arguably, is here. The fans aren't.

As a comedian, I don't feel obligated to be "part" of the scene. I don't feel having a scene is even necessary. When it comes down to it, I'd cut out your fucking throat if I saw you in the way of a good gig, and any comedian I respect would do the same to me. This is fucking show business. Show business. Not show friendship. Not a comedy hippie commune of some sort.

I wasted a lot of time typing the above. It doesn't matter.

I voted two weeks ago.-BK

Peoria.

2009-03-24T16:21:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in a few because of this.

It's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen. Every time I watch it, every single time, I crack up laughing. The first dozen or so times, I even had tears in my eyes.

Some things are meant to distract.-BK

Birth of Venus.

2009-03-20T10:04:00.000-04:00

Besides their enviable and ultra fantastic pornography, Japan is to be admired for the sense of honor many of it's citizens still have. They recognize that failure is weakness, and many accept the responsibility and shame. Dying in the woods isn't too bad of a way to go, actually.

Show at Gorman's Pub Wednesday. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles experimenting with their sexuality jokes!

Also, it's been about three months. It's time! Time to open up Obama season. Gotta be tactful about the race thing though. There's a difference between being smart and confrontational and being racist as hell. I'm still trying to find out what the difference is, but I get beat up less, so I think I'm moving in the right direction.

Note: I do not tell racist jokes. Unless they are about racists. Hence, "racist joke" being appropriate for the name of the joke, but not actually racist in nature. I am racist in nature, but I'm trying to kill those opinions, even if they're private. Anyone from the suburbs who isn't willing to admit to racist tendencies is a liar!

Reached 200 Facebook friends the other day. People I went to high school with who didn't mean shit to me then still don't. It's funny to see where their lives are in relation to mine. My consensus: I ain't doing too bad!

Someone who I'm casually acquainted with commented on their high school reunion plans like so: "Why lose weight and travel across the country to collectively remember something so utterly forgettable to people like us?" They moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" in a heartbeat. Plus, they have a vagina. Always a deal-maker.

What did I do in high school? I used epic amounts of drugs(not pot. drugs) and tried to keep coming up with reasons to go on living.

I've stopped using drugs, but still need the reasons to go on living. This may be it. I want one, OK? I fucking want one!

Every creature,(which fetuses aren't!) big and small, deserves a shot at a full life. Animals, like Star Trek fans, are innocents, and must be protected if we consider ourselves the truly dominant species on this planet.

I'm deeply ashamed to publicly admit how excited I am about this movie. The Force for life of course, but I think it's interesting to make Starfleet sexy in ways besides the token hot chick with pointy ears...

Do I look like the bracket type?-BK

Wife of Liam Neeson.

2009-03-19T17:50:00.000-04:00

Watched this last night. Rescued it from the $2.50 bin solely on the strength of the title. Was not disappointed. For a 45 year-old movie, this holds up remarkably well. The movie is still powerful, although a little cliche, because it's well put together and paced pretty good.

Headed out to St. James tonight and Belvedere's after that. It's going to kick butt!

Alright!-BK

Meek? Try observant.

2009-03-17T08:29:00.000-04:00

A friend asked me why I'm not "a teacher, or something." Because I'd be fucking students, that's why. I'd be the aloof mugshot on the news. I'd probably tender my resignation, move to the Pacific Northwest to write, and neglect to register as a sex offender. I hate paperwork and police officers.

I made a gourmet meal yesterday.

Grilled cheese with three different kinds of cheese. Rice and potatoes, seasoned to taste. "Seasoned to taste," in the language of Ben Kenny, means a few drops of green Tabasco or Rooster sauce.

Overtime today. 11 glorious hours. I plan to use the money to perpetuate stereotypes, or maybe get some ink. I've got a mad hankering for some ink. Maybe a Viking working a turntable, or perhaps a Republican T-Rex.

Morrissey is in town. Not sure where. Look for a lot of Outbacks covered in "conscious" bumper stickers. A lot of post-graduate education types who couldn't lead a line of kindergardeners. Love The Smiths, hate Morrissey.

Like this song, and love this band.

If I had the chance to go hang gliding, I would not go.

Need to shave more often now. Not my back either. My face. I wonder why. Change in diet?

If it's included, there's a fee.-BK

Holy diver, you're the star of the masquerade!

2009-03-16T05:37:00.000-04:00

Damn. I would never have thought to wear something like this without a shirt and tie, but I think it makes the lapels, cut, and pinstripes pop out even more so than they would normally.

I actually found a green velvet sportcoat that fit me perfectly, save for the sleeves being at least 4 inches too short. Couldn't even work that in a dark bar, let alone a drunken parade. A barrel-chested little person must have been the original owner or something. I also found perfect condition, high shine black leather combat boots. Which where a size and half too small. Foot discomfort is nothing new to me, but I couldn't lace them up. Sad.

Speaking of boots, now that I've grown my hair back, I can acquire myself some Dr. Martens. I threw mine out when I was shaven, as Dr. Martens are the favored footwear of some Neo-Nazi skinhead types, and I have enough misconceptions about me to set right as it is.

Speaking of drunken parades, I didn't go to any this year. Haven't been to any, in fact, since I was underaged.

I think my first serious make out session happened at the South Side Irish Parade when I was fifteen or so. I rode my bike there, alone, with no expectations, but ended up drinking foamy beer in someone's backyard. I'm quiet, but I make friends. She was older than me, and almost as drunk. It was in an alley, and I did not yet have the know how or knowledge of "base running" to finger her. She probably went on to hang out every weekend at Bourbon Street. God how I hate that place.

I am so happy I no longer live in Chicago. It's great, but not great enough to stay if all you ever wanted to do was leave.

I love getting messages informing me of comedy competitions the day of. I fucking love that shit.

Heading to the Moose, and maybe even the "Funny"bone on Tuesday. Economy jokes a plenty. After all, in this economy, you can't afford to not joke about this economy.

Random quote from the breakroom at work:

"Dude, just because Rob Halford wears leather and has sex with men doesn't make him gayer than John Mayer!"

The fact that they covered this song, although it's nowhere near as good as the original, makes me like them even more.

I eat ice cream by the pint. Even if it's in bar form, I eat it by the pint. I crossed a street, turned a corner in life last night. I was unable to finish a pint of ice cream. I had to retrieve the lid from the garbage can, replace it, and return the pint to the freezer. I cried a little. It was peanut butter, and you all know how much I love peanut butter. This is serious. I may need to see a doctor.

Dinner last night consisted of the aforementioned ice cream, Swedish Fish, and Ranch Doritos. I drank Mountain Dew. But I did eat three bananas throughout my day yesterday, so I think I'm even.

Michael Jackson sold out fifty concerts. I'm impressed. If he makes every show in the engagement, he will have played to an audience of over one million people. Roughly three hundred believe with their hearts that he's innocent. Two hundred and twenty of those will be German. Go figure.

Since I have to work overnight tonight(it's 3 AM deep in the bowels of PIT as I write this), I slept during the day, and went out to see The Last House on the Left before coming in to work. I cannont recommend or discourage people from seeing this movie. I will say that the acts of violence(particulary the rape)portrayed are staggering. People were gasping in horror and shock in the theater, something the author hadn't seen since the last time he saw an Eddie Murphy film on the big screen.

The film was a remake, and it was rather beautifully shot, but if the original uses a chainsaw, the remake uses a chainsaw! You always, always, always use the chainsaw! The original also had way more balls to it. In fact, in many countries, it was banned uncut for over thirty years! The film also has the best tagline ever: "To avoid fainting, keep repeating, 'It's only a movie... It's only a movie... It's only a movie...'"

I actually had some really kick ass popcorn, which anyone who even casually goes to the movies these days knows is a real rarity. It was freshly popped, topped with a perfect amount of butter, and I salted it just the way I liked it. I was content to munch away, killing the bag in a manner similar to the demise of several of the characters in the film. I don't want to think of the profit margins movie theaters make on popcorn. Makes me want to kill movie theater workers. I need to save that aggression for the right place and time, i.e. when I encounter the police.

It is warm tonight. Not cold at all while driving equipment about.

They don't come here for the wings.-BK

No thanks, I can't read.

2009-03-15T11:12:00.001-04:00

Good Cop, Baby Cop from Will Ferrell

Spurt!-BK

Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

2009-03-14T07:07:00.000-04:00

I've made an important, life-altering decision. Airplane! is the funniest movie of all time. It is without peer. There must be at least seventy killer jokes in this movie, and at least four running bits that still floor me.

A lot of politically correct types would call this racist. That's because they're all very stupid. This doesn't demean anyone. I think it's one of the best bits ever written.

Double shift today. First time in a long time. Money is good. Lack of sleep/spending 16 hours underground, not so good.

I thought I found a suit at the thrift store yesterday. Unfortunately for me, and female population of greater Pittsburgh, the collar was torn out. Drats like a motherfucker.

Booking shows for April. You know you want me.

I thought it was really weak of Jon Stewart to attack Jim Cramer like he did. I don't think Cramer gives bad advice, or misleads investors. I think Stewart was looking for easy prey, someone his audience would already be inclined to hate, and he found it in Jim Cramer.

I still hate Kid Rock, but pimp-to-pimp, I gotta admit, the man has panache.

My personal favorite Queen song. Still can't believe Freddie Mercury was gay. No outward clues whatsoever. Hipsters idolize the mustache, as they should.

I'm back on Swedish Fish. Don't know why I ever left.

It's not a safety issue when the nature of the job is dangerous.-BK

Talk Hard.

2009-03-12T03:45:00.000-04:00

Woke up at 11:30 last night. Couldn't fall back to sleep. Watched Pump Up The Volume. Ate a bean and cheese burrito. Drank Mountain Dew. Samantha Mathis, rawr! Gothic pixie of my dreams. Striped leggings. Time to write it up, yo.

I would be the vegetarian patty in a Belinda Carlisle-Samantha Mathis sandwich. Madonna, 80's style, to drink, with a side of Ally Sheedy, served goth. Good times.

It's an idea that's been in my head a bit, but the movie got me thinking again about it: Internet radio station/show. Shit's free, but who would listen? What would I talk about? How well can I describe my bedroom? Pssh...

Fuck it, the blog continues. People have to plan to listen to a radio show, but you can read this at anytime, and you do.

Voting on the Union Contract this week. I hope it passes. I like money, but I like having a guaranteed labor agreement even more. It was insulting to see people from the Union complaining about money, picketing in public. Especially in Western PA, a region that's lost almost three, count 'em, three, million jobs in the last twenty years.

Haven't been on stage in a while. Self-imposed hiatus needs to end. I've got a hankerin' for the funny. It burns like that time I went to Bangkok and couldn't stand up while peeing for three weeks. It's a deep burning, one which no topical salve can adequately treat.

You ever notice how Sesame Street ran through an urban, kind of run down neighborhood? I used to drive through Gary Indiana, just to see if mutants were living in the garbage cans, teaching phonics without regard for the rules of society. Robin stopped in to buy some coke, and got roped into a guest appearance.

A reader in Idaho embedded this in correspondence with me, and it's too outstandingly fantastic to not share with you guys. Talking Lincoln is my favorite part.

I need to socialize with people who are not comedians/alcoholics/sexual deviants more often. I'm thinking of taking up some sort of martial art. Seriously. But not mixed martial arts, because that's a douchebag pastime. Besides, my hair would look horrible frosted, and I hate tribal tattoos.

Shootings in Germany and Alabama. Two dozen people gone forever. The blood of youth shed. Unfulfilled lives snuffed out. Another reason why we're spiraling to into an oblivion we won't recover from. We are surrounded by violence, fictional and real. We strike out person to person, group to group, and country to country, yet we're all "shocked" when things like this happen for some reason. I guess I'm saying it's time to buy more guns than your neighbor, put up cameras, and stay inside, mentally masturbating to Walker, Texas Ranger. I don't allow myself to feel/relate to the sense of loss and general lunacy in the world. If I did, it'd be all I'd ever think about. So I just think about fleeting, superficial things, listen to Henry Rollins, and dance until I sweat.

Speaking of hopelessness, America's favorite teenage mother, Bristol Palin, has ended her engagement with the father of her child. Jesus is SO pissed. Mad enough to shoot wolves from a helicopter.

More Elmo hotness. There are blind people, bilingual blind people, who probably think Elmo's name is "The Moe."

"Broken Wings" is not the best Mr. Mister song! It's "Kyrie!"-BK

Vegetarian enchiladas! For me?! Sweet!

2009-03-11T11:15:00.002-04:00

Alambama Shooting Spree would be a great name for a shitty band that's "from" Brooklyn.

I listened to Korn last night. It's something that I've grown comfortable with sharing only through years of embarrassing myself on stage, binge drinking, and awkward sexual encounters.

In small doses, very small doses, "parts-per-million" type doses, actually, bands like Korn and Limp Bizkit are tolerable to my ears. I grew up listening to heavy music, still listen to heavy music, and will selectively listen to heavy music in the future.

I don't know how many of you folks are as prone to casually "throwing the goat" as I am, but I must say it is a rare occurance for me today, given the current musical climate. According to music "journalists" aka: fanboys with degrees, metal is supposedly experiencing a resurgence not seen since the glory days of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal. I do not believe this. Metal never dies. Metal never gets weak, or goes underground. Metal always just stands on it's own, die hard fans dedicated to one or more various sub-genres of the genre. Occasionally, people looking for a quick buck invest in metal, bring it into the public forum more conspicuously, and hope for the best.

"Popular" metal today... hmm... I hate most of it. I don't want to pay good money to see a bunch of burly, filthy Scandanavian dudes play three chords and scream all night long. I don't want to pay good money to see a bunch of kids from the suburbs wear tight pants and eyeliner, play three chords, and scream all night long. I don't want to pay good money to see a bunch of forty-five year-old men squeeze into their pants, play three chords, and scream all night long.

I usually do in the latter case though. Because I have a soft spot for the Crue.

Just like rap, I like the genre, but I'm not foolish enough to issue a blanket "like" decree about every artist currently playing metal.

Here are some of my favorites:

None of these bands are underground. Their music, for metal at least, is relatively easy to listen to and follow.

Mastodon - I've written about these guys before, and for good reason. They are the shining hope, the bearers of the Satanic flame, so to speak, of modern American heavy metal. They don't feel the need to scream all the time, play as fast as possible, or write about cliche things. This band wrote a concept album about Whaling, with particular attention paid to Moby Dick.

Slayer - Slayer does not ever change how they sound. Slayer are not "artistes." Slayer simply drop albums that punch you in the face when you hear them, and then they kick you in the balls and throw you off the balcony when you see them play. Possibly the only metal band with a 25 year history that's still entirely relevant.

Killswitch Engage - Two things: The singer and the guitarplaying. The singer, Howard Jones, is black, and has... uh... a.. "black" voice that just sounds really good in front of a metal band. The band has to play over him, not the other way around, which is rare. The guitar just soars miles above any other band's guitar playing. Incredibly melodic, yet shred-filled.

Mudvayne - They write songs that are radio hits but still pack impressive punches. Their debut single, "Dig" is one of the top five metal songs ever written.

-----

I've been slowly going insane with house stuff. I want it to be over with!

We should swap it.-BK

Never an easy way.

2009-03-10T10:48:00.000-04:00

My parents sent me a number 43 Stiller jersey out of the blue. It made me happy. Even though I can't spell his last name, he is my favorite player, possibly my favorite pro athlete, period. Can't wait to spill some Iron City and nacho cheese on it!

My car's rear seats are always folded down, creating a larger cargo area, although I don't really carry anything large, ever. It is just filled with trash and old newspapers. Need to clean it today. Wash the exterior, too.

Slept too long last night. Twelve hours. Not even tired.

Ate a massive, and massively good, fake steak burrito last night. All sectors of my body were in agreement of it's deliciousness, and all is well gastrointestinally.

Saw Watchmen again yesterday. It's just that good.

The closest NIN has to a ballad. One of their better songs that "fans" don't even know.

NIN: The Fragile live from on stage, Adelaide 2.28.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

Put some air in my bicycle's tire this morning. I need to ride it more often, over longer distances.

I'm thinking cheese fries for lunch today. With some good City Paper on the side. At the O in Oakland. Everyone's on spring break, so parking shouldn't be an issue. Hopefully.

Nope, not a chance.-BK

Let blood inside your manhood.

2009-03-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

Heavy Pearl Jam session last night.

Such a great song. Brave lyrics.

My lips are shaking, my nails are bit off
Been a month and a day since I heard myself talk
Only advantage this life's got on me
Picture an empty cup in the middle of the sea

And I fight back in my mind
Never lets me be right
I've got memories, I've got shit
So much it don't show

Oh, I walked the line, when you held me in that night
Oh, I walked the line, when you held my hand that night

An empty shell seems so easy to crack
I Got questions, don't know who the fuck I'm ever gonna ask
So I'll just lie alone and wait for a dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're looking at me

And I'll stay in bed
All blue, I've seen hell
If just once I could feel love
Oh, stare back at me

Oh, I walked the line, when you held me in that night
Oh, I walked the line, when you held my hand that night
Oh, I walked the line, when you held me close that night
Oh, I paid the price, never held you in real life

If I had to play one, only one song for someone who'd never heard grunge/alternative music before, it'd be this. Unquestionably.

Last night was my Friday night. I spent it drinking beer, watching South Park Season 9, and surfing towards the coral of the internet. It was a good night.

My dryer has been finicky lately. Some days it starts, some days it doesn't. Mechanical aptitude, COME TO ME!

I do regret not going to Blush Saturday night to see Sassy Cassee. Although I have a small problem with paying money to degrade women, I should have made an exception. You see folks, Sassy Cassee is two feet, ten inches tall. There are things you may only have one chance to see in life, and I hope this wasn't one of them. Will I be able to keep from laughing, and maybe even find it erotic?

Handstand pushups at about 5 minutes!

I can honestly say I've never gotten an erection in a strip club. Even during lap dances. Even that one time at Crazy Horse Too in Vegas with the Japanese businessmen I met playing blackjack(and winning H-U-G-E) at the Wynn. That was a hell of a time though. Jack Daniel's bottle service and hours in the champagne room. Okay, maybe I was a little hard. It's all sort of fuzzy.

When I sleep, I sleep with all I've got.-BK

Oh Lilian, look what you've done.

2009-03-08T07:50:00.000-04:00

My past three posts have been shit, but Daddy's back on form today!

This week's episode of Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles didn't suck. Finally! You know a show's in trouble when they've done a "dream" episode. I was pissed last week. Hella pissed.

I really like White Pizza. I never remember having it growing up in Chicago. It is the best of the PA pizza I've consumed, even though it's still weak and uninspired. It's a nice change from the normal.

White Pizza, for those who don't know, is essentially pizza with a garlic/oil sauce under the cheese in place of tomato sauce and sliced tomato on top of the cheese. It's like cheese-garlic bread, but on pizza dough. Italian food is similar to Mexican food in the fact that there are only really 8 or 9 ingredients and techniques, but they're mixed ad infinitum.

I bought beer for the house yesterday. Straub. It's good. A nice break from my normal choices, Yuengling and Miller High Life. I drink it about ten percent of the time.

Occasionally, I'll have a beer with some chips and salsa right after a particularly shitty day at work, but I usually only drink in my home after I've returned from drinking abroad in the Iron City, night cap style.

Seventy degrees today. In addition to being unseasonably warm, it's Saturday, which meant the streets of Millvale were filled with unwed mothers and their innocent, yet doomed to a life of state aid and free school lunch, children. Lots of profanity and arguing interspersed with giggling heard outside my window.

As if that wasn't bad enough on it's own, every, and I mean EVERY douchebag who owns a motorcycle was out riding as well. Since their bikes have been in their parents' garages all winter, they felt the need to rev the shit out of them and accelerate madly down the streets. PA does have a helmet law, which is good, because these people are enough of a drain on society without being vegetables too.

And of course, life's grand circle continues. Perched on the back of these motorcycles, young, milky white calves likely to be burned by the exhaust? Girls probably not too far out of high school. It's a shame their hymens do not function as poorly as their brains.

Isn't it iconic? Don't ya think? The cameraman must have been a little person or something...

I thought briefly about working out today. Then I tried on my work shorts. If I suck in just a wee bit, and shimmy my hips like only a white boy from the suburbs can, they fall off. Fuck working out for the time being.

I thought about getting a somewhat dangly and always awe-inspiring part of my anatomy pierced today too. I've been thinking about it for a while. Merely thinking, considering, but not planning. I will most likely continue to think for a while still. My job is physical, I am clumsy and uncoordinated even when not working, and ripping that out would not be pleasant. Not even in the normal "Please stomp on my balls, Mistress" sort of way.

Hollywood makes it hard to plan suicide. Luckily, I am not impulsive. This looks great. Besides the obvious appeal of the stars, it was directed by Michael Mann, one of my favorites.

My favorite thing about this movie is the incessant use of the word "fuck" in... the... NARRATION!

Well yeah, but that car doesn't come with the ability to actually speak to women.-BK

I'm not going to make you a Boston Pancake.

2009-03-07T15:59:00.000-05:00

Saw Watchmen last night and man oh man oh man was it good. Easily the best, most true to form adaptation of a comic book/graphic novel ever made. Yes, fellow nerds, even better than any of the Batmans. More visually stunning than Sin City or 300. The Spiderman films were all really good from all points of view. Watchmen makes them look like student films.

The economy is fine. How do I know? Well, college students are going to spring break in the same droves they usually go in. Odd though. We've been paging them to their planes all day long. At least 20 of them throughout the course of the day. Future leaders of America who don't understand when to be on a plane. Great. That's just great.

Check him out. He's on the friend list.-BK

Large quesadilla.

2009-03-06T15:08:00.003-05:00

First warm day of the year. My balls were stuck to my leg today. First time this season. That's how I know it's the first warm day of the year.

Strangely, I have no foot pain to speak of today. I'm not complaining.

In relationship news, I cut out a picture of Katy Perry from Esquire. I taped it up on my work locker next to my picture of Megan Fox, which I acquired from the esteemed pages of GQ(it was shot by Terry Richardson). Masturbatory polyamory rules! Please note: I do not masturbate at work. I often plan what I'll masturbate to, but never, ever, do I fight the one-eyed monster on Company time.

Hey Michelle. Click the Terry Richardson link. You'll find my header picture there. I don't have the file on my computer anymore. Sorry it took a while for me to respond to that query.

I wrote jokes all day long. Most will never see the light of stage. Because they're over your head. Too smart for rooms at Harvard I am.

The tragic thing is that it wasn't filmed.-BK

I don't associate with that element.

2009-03-05T09:32:00.001-05:00

"Naw man, more like nuggets. Very solid. Uh huh, like lumps of clay. Yeah... I mean, I always eat a lot of cheese, but I gotta tell ya, it was at least a three day backup that came out. Plus, I'd drank whiskey and have eaten Mexican and Chinese food. Odd though, it wasn't smelly or a 'mega wiper'."

Nine Inch Nails are touring the United States of America this summer. Ben Kenny is traveling the United States of America this summer. Coincidence? Not a fucking chance. Time to paint my fingernails black and don the pants of leather and mesh shirt.

I cried in the shower yesterday. I am the very definition of manly, so it is a rare thing indeed for me to cry. But I was thinking of my dog yesterday. God I miss him. He was the best.

Spring is coming. I know this because the sun was peeking over the horizon at 6:30 this morning, as I was eating my nutrious, complete breakfast of a blueberry bagel, PayDay bar, canned orange juice, and Coke.

I will be making fewer social and comedy appearances this month in order to focus on the house stuff. Plus, I'm back to working 5 days a week, which puts me in bed at 9 most nights of the week.

I'm learning how to tie a Full Windsor. It's challenging, because I'm rather impatient and not very smart. I'm also on the prowl for a suitable suit. Everytime I find a good suit on sale, I'm still too hard up for cash. When I'm flush with dough, I always forget to go look. Life is a bitch.

I normally don't talk about Flight Attendants. I see them all the time. Most are nice enough people, and they do a hard, thankless job. But the one I saw this morning. Gee fucking golly was she hot! Southwest's uniforms are rather bland. They don't give men much to notice, save for the rare, well-tailored exception. This girl could wear that uniform. She wore it like a catsuit, and she had excellent proportions. All-American cheerleader style. I had to remember to keep breathing. I almost spoke to her. Almost. Just really cute, pretty even. Cute enough to make the cover of the perpetual issue of Barely Legal that sits on the coffee table in my head.

Another one of my cousins had a kid. My parents and grandparents best look in the direction of my sister's uteris, because I am not planting a seed. Ever, if I get my wish.

It was the album prior.-BK

We will burn your cities down.

2009-03-04T11:11:00.003-05:00

Waking up for work at 3:45 AM always sucks. Always. Sucks. Getting proper sleep is impossible, and starting your car at an hour when, on the weekend, you're used to stopping it, is no fun at all. I was in bed at 9:30 last night, fell asleep at 10 or so, worke up at midnight, and have been awake since.

The challenge today is to not allow myself to take a nap as soon as I get home.

And my foot has decided to start hurting, a lot, again.

Heard the new U2 album at work today. Wished so desperately I hadn't. Even if it's overplayed and polished, you come to expect a sound from U2, and when they do something different, they just seem kind of lame, and really stupid.

My phone has the ability to verbally read/pronounce text messages. "Ben Kenny is the god of fuck" for example, sounds awesome.

Wathcing Raising Arizona yesterday. Again. Twice. I am convinced it is as close to perfect as a film can get.

Too good!

It's no fun like that.-BK

Senses have been drowned.

2009-03-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

People of my generation no longer wear bathrobes. It's kind of weird. Once I get a recliner, I'm getting a bathrobe. Spme of the old traditions must be brought back. Bathrobes and hitting children particularly.

I fucking hate, fucking hate, fucking HATE, when I see parents attempting to discipline young children with logic and reason. A child's mind is best ruled through fear of violence, not compromises on TV time. It's stupid to kneel to a child's eye level and explain the error in their ways. They don't understand. They're selfish. The only time my father ever kneeled in front of me was in order to gain leverage to better shake the shit out of me for being a little smart ass. Make the world a better, more productive, and healthier place. Beat your children as required.

Back to work tomorrow morning. Super excited. Went to physical therapy yesterday. What a fucking joke. I injured my foot because I lift, jump, drop, crawl, and scramble for 8 hours(often more) a day, not because I was playing with elastic sheeting. So how is elastic sheeting going to make me better? I'm happy I'm not paying for any of it.

Oh shit. Friday. Watchmen.

"Humans have a strength that cannot be measured." I have incredible expectations for the this film. Christian Bale is the John Connor of Hollywood. He can save us from cliched acting and Owen Wilson. He can save us all.

I have no further comments on that matter, or any matter, so what's the matter?-BK

Turtle Power!

2009-03-02T11:24:00.000-05:00

Doctor later today. Foot pain has subsided considerably, but I have no way to know if I'm better, as I've been recumbent, not active. I truly hope I will be able to go back to work, as my days of leisure are growing increasingly tedious. For fun yesterday, I drank water by the glass for hours just to see how long I could hold it in. When I went, it was like a miniature fire hose. If fire hoses were made of urine, I guess.

Apparently my mom's on Facebook now too. No more "Ben Kenny got one hell of a blow job last night. His name was Stephen." status updates for me. I can't handle her always asking about Stephen's gag reflex.

Really good cover of a classic. Kate Bush for life. Placebo is an awesome band name. When you think about it, music is a placebo, not an opiate. Perhaps if you play and/or perform music, it's an opiate, but not if you merely listen.

The pizza I ordered last night was not up to my standards. I was only able to eat eight slices. Just barely. I didn't want to go back downstairs to supplement said mediocre pizza with a bean burrito, so I focused, kept my eyes on the prize, and powered through. I'm from Chicago. Pizza's what I do best, even if it's bad.

I've been waiting for mine. Always waiting. Why can't I have some closure?

All I'm saying is I'm just saying, that's all I'm saying.-BK

I live what other people dream.

2009-02-28T17:17:00.002-05:00

Show last night was the horrible. Horrible. Oh well, you persevere, do the best you can, and learn what you can from it. There will always be a next show, another crowd. The slate is wiped clean for every new show, and every crowd, big, small, drunk, sober, bad, or good is a gift and another chance to do what you love to do.

Old school funny. He looks weird with hair. Arguably the first, and maybe greatest, of the "cringe" school of comedy, which also includes guys like Jim Norton and Greg Giraldo. If I had to pigeon-hole a genre I belong in, it's cringe.

You may think that I let a lot of myself show through on this here blog. I don't. You don't know a goddamn thing about me that I don't want you to know. There are things in my soul, peculiarities and motivations, that I do not fully understand, and my struggle with them is a private, internal one. There are things in my soul, desires and habits, that in society's collective mind are destructive and wrong. A lot of the me you've come to know is a work of elaborate fiction. A lot of me is more passion-filled and interested than I seem. A lot of me just... is.

We saw an incredibly drunk girl last night. No money, no jacket in the 25 degree weather, no friends around her, and no chance for a positive end to the evening, save for the people who basically ended their evening to help her. This girl could not walk unassisted. She was lucky she didn't get killed in Carson Street traffic, and even luckier she didn't run into someone like me in a dark alley.

Iraq doesn't have a cool slang name yet, we should change that.-BK

Not in this neighborhood.

2009-02-28T11:19:00.002-05:00

My eyeglasses smell like a bar. Smoky.

Professionals at work.

The laziness of the day is evident via this post.

Never in a bathtub, actually.-BK

Gotta get rolling on this.

2009-02-27T10:20:00.000-05:00

My grandmother, who is a total badass just like her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, is now on Facebook. I have no idea how I feel about this development.

At twenty-five years old, I can finally use a fax machine totally unassisted. I am progressing faster than the doctors told my parents I would. Soon, I hope to be entirely toilet trained. I once threw used toilet paper into my garbage. Couldn't figure out what the smell was. Made sure I didn't get poop on the underside of the seat and everything. Life is so confusing...

...sometimes, it's like my mind is playing tricks on me, or something like that.

My set went well last night. I like making people laugh. It's fun.

The new Depeche Mode single "Wrong" is making it's way around the internet. It's dark, tight, and filled with insanely good hooks. Keep your ear open. It will sound different than most of the other shit record companies drop these days, but remember: different is better.

He. is. the. BEST! The. BEST!

Eating with friends at two-thirty in the morning was fun. Except for the broad in the booth directly behind me. She was coughing like she had tuberculosis, which at that hour, in that neighborhood, she very well might of.

I am tapering off the ferocity of my drinking. My goal is to get down to a point where I can quit entirely for a few months again. Need to keep the eye of the tiger with this new house bullshit. Right now, I'm actually able to remember my drives home immediately the next morning. I know, I know, it's impressive. I'm not arguing that.

Derby is cool, but if I'm going to watch things go around in circles, I prefer they have engines, or be topless.-BK

Katy Perry Mason.

2009-02-26T10:17:00.001-05:00

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I have signed my name a hundred times and am not even close to being done.

Shirt and tie hunting for a theme party I'm attending Friday. I already have the hat, and my purple sportcoat will do nicely. It's going to be totally fab. Since the death of Ceremony, I haven't had much of a reason to dress to the nines. Shiny shoes will be worn.

Hobbling out to The St. James Place Tavern to tell some jokes, drink beer, and relish existence outside of my bedroom tonight.

I do not drink PBR. I was raised better than that. I was raised on class. I was raised on quality. PBR is still good though, as everything from Wisconsin is generally good. Except for Jeffery Dahmer. He was sort of a dick, really.

One day, Old Style will become a hipster beer. I will travel to La Crosse, and blow up the brewery for the good of all mankind.

I have this pile of wool socks on my floor that just sort of stays there because I'm not working or doing anything requiring warm feet. I think I may put them in a drawer later, if I'm not to busy listening to obscure Kylie Minogue covers of Roxy Music songs.

Satan most definitely fufilled His end of this bargain. Possibly the best pop song ever written. Perfect isn't a good enough word to describe it.

You know what's retarded expensive? Kitchens. Best to never get a wife who wants a new one every ten years, "just because."

I believe I'll have grilled cheese for lunch today.

I will not relocate there.-BK

You know that once I start I cannot help myself.

2009-02-25T13:42:00.002-05:00

I ate out all three meals yesterday. Bad!

Dinner with an interesting assortment of folks and a brief set of new stuff at the Moose last night. "Jew who moves to Texas" was a huge hit. Overall, it was an excellent evening, save for the legions of Griecos and Bleeths on the South Side celebrating Fat Tuesday. Ed Hardy's art, once iconic, is now totally repulsive. What I wouldn't give to have a flamethrower and immunity sometimes.

I guess I wouldn't give my arms. I'd need those to work the flamethrower.

I did not celebrate Fat Tuesday any differently than I normally celebrate Tuesday. I had some beers, ate some tasty food, told some jokes, and remained awesome.

Talked about this with an online friend last night. Lol'ed heartily for a bit.

Got my hair cut yesterday. I think it's too short, but time will tell. Which makes no sense, as, with time, my hair will be longer. Oh god.

I'm finally getting around to getting my video camera fixed. Look for more expletive-filled filth to hit YouTube in March sometime.

A master wordsmith.

I'm so bored that I'm writing a rock opera about my ceiling.-BK

It has a little keyboard on it.

2009-02-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

Every Monday is fast turning into movie night for some friends and myself. It's fun. That's the point of my life, the end search, simple fun. The intent is to watch movies that are somewhat off center and intriguing. Last night, we watched Buddy Boy, which is definitely a nice little head trip of a film.

I won a Dick's Sporting Goods gift card at my work's holiday party. Since I'm not much for physically activity that ain't comedy, cycling, or sex-related, I wondered the store for a while in silent contemplation of the best way to waste the ten plastic dollars in my pocket. I decided to buy a knife, as knives are awesome, as we all know.

I've been cutting things like a motherfucker. Envelopes. Tofu. DVD wrapping. Kittens. etc... Very manly and empowered.

Speaking of cutting, I'll keep cutting up crowds tonight at The Smiling Moose, Thursday at St. James Place Tavern, and Saturday at Milestones in Brentwood. It's going to be a gay old time. Sodomy and interior decorating not included, but provided at an extra charge.

His comedy is years ahead of even the best of his peers. No one, ever, has done material on family life as raw and brutally honest as he has.

Foot continues to maintain a status of "fucked up." Off of work another week. I may need to procure more books and create more elaborate masturbatory fantasies. I'm thinking Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List meets The View.

Since I was in the neighborhood, fat, and hungry, I went to breakfast after my appointment. Chocolate chip blueberry pancakes with a side of spicy hash browns and a Dew. If I keep it up, my network television debut may be on Oprah, where I'll appear live via-satellite from my home, which by that time, I will not have left in three or four years. They say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

I've always really loved the lyrics to this song, and the simplicity of it's composition. I sang along to it in the car today. I always get really, really pissed when DJ's talk over the intro to songs, right up to the point where the lyric kicks in. It aggravates the shit out of me. I don't think Berlin, as a group, said "let's make sure Johnny Records has time to talk about a breast cancer 5K here."

I've watched 14,007 YouTube videos in about the span of two years. Christ.

I was grown in a government lab to save all of mankind from themselves.-BK

Fast against the wall.

2009-02-23T18:19:00.000-05:00

Spent a good portion of my day yesterday watching wrestling on YouTube, prompted by my homie KonkDaddy's post.

As a lad/preteen, I thought wrestling was cool because of the stories. It's like a soap opera for men. As a jaded teenager/young adult, I sort of grew away from it, but I'd still give the physical ability of the performers credit. As a fully grown man-child, I really love and admire the ability of the performers, although I rarely watch anymore.

Wrestlers, good ones at least, are incredibly multifaceted and talented performers. In addition to brute strength, wrestlers move with incredible agility and athleticism for men their size,(ever see a main event superstar under 225 pounds or so?) and if you've ever seen a good pay-per-view title match, you know they have killer, almost inhuman endurance.

But that's not all. Wrestlers have to sell themselves 24/7. Whether they're a face or a heel, they need to make their respective public believe in/hate them with all of their heart. Imagine going to work and hoping to get booed all day long. Crazy.

Wrestlers wrestle hurt.

They travel incessantly.

Most careers are short.

Props to the wrestlers. Mad props, yo.

-----

Caught the last bits of the Oscars last night. Sean Penn is a classy-ass dude, and hell of an actor, but I really thought either Brad Pitt or Mickey Rourke deserved the Best Actor honors a bit more. One can only hope Mickey Rourke can get a few more roles playing characters of substance instead of generic bad guys.

Random excerpt from a conversation I was having with a friend: "I'd fuck Lisa Loeb in front of my in-laws."

I don't have in-laws, but still, I'm inclined to agree with him. Lisa Loeb makes Tina Fey look like a common street walker.

Home inspection completed. Home is structurally sound and free of pests. One step closer to whatever I'm heading towards.

I can't turn left here. Left does not exist.-BK

My own Hell to raise.

2009-02-22T09:43:00.003-05:00

Show last night was good. New material hit like I wanted it to hit, and the callback I used about 74 times seemed to keep the crowd a laughing.

Afterwards, I hung out at my usual stomping ground, although I did no stomping whatsoever.

I'm getting used to standing with all my weight on my left foot. Right foot shows no signs of improvement.

On today's agenda: Sloth. Not the character from The Goonies. The sin. Probably not gonna put on pants until tomorrow afternoon.

It's all about swagger.

Really, it is.(Would kill dozens of people for the chance to wear that jacket for an hour.)

I cannot believe this is real. I want so desperately to see this movie! Fuck comedy and homeownership, this is my new life mission!

Upstairs is free, and there's totally awesome music and Ben Kenny.-BK

Brutal truths.

2009-02-21T11:49:00.000-05:00

Listened to The White Stripes all day. They rock more in three minutes than many bands do in entire albums. I think it's because they really have no stated goal to their music. They just get to rocking quite quickly, and wrap it up really quick.

3:03

3:31

2:46

More laying about the house today before the show tonight.

Home inspection on Monday. Nervous, even though I don't need to be.

Doctor on Tuesday. My foot don't feel no better!

It's even shittier on IMAX.-BK

My every thought of her is lewd and unbecoming of a gentleman.

2009-02-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

This recumbency I've been experiencing as of late is driving my ass insane. Don't get me wrong, I'm lazy as fuck, but when forced to be lazy, well, it's hard, OK? It's hard.

My walls are white. I rent. I don't bother to buy art for them. Nothing to stare at. My television can only play so many obscure horror films and episodes of South Park a day. I may go to a museum tomorrow and get myself one of those nifty old people/morbidly obese people scooters to scoot around on. Should be a fun way to whittle away the time. If I don't have to pay out my ass for parking and admission, that is. Aw fuck it, I've seen most of Warhol's stuff anyways. Pittsburgh is Warhol-centric, if you didn't know. As a town, "we" tend to cling to people and things from here, even if those people and things don't always care or need to cling back to us.

Speaking of...

Girl Talk's genius is virtually unparalleled. Formerly a biomedical engineer from just outside of the Iron City, he hears things that no one else can hear, and then he makes them happy. I took my shirt off at his concert once, right after I moved here, and well before he broke. It was an epic, super-mega-fun-dance-like-crazy time. Gregg Gillis for president of being "down."

There seems to always be a stupid amount of drama in the Pittsburgh comedy "scene." People forget that comedy is one of the simplest forms of entertainment, with a clear goal and no rules on how to achieve that goal: Just fucking make them laugh. Make them laugh hard, make them laugh long, and make them laugh from their guts, from their souls, and from the places where political correctness and morals are afraid to go. I can do that, and will do that, until I die. For me, comedy is selfish. I don't care about other comics' success, growth, or failure. I don't care about writing more or less material. It doesn't matter if I'm not welcome in certain rooms. All I care about, every time I perform, is making people laugh. It is a drug unlike any other I've encountered, and it's grip is indescribably powerful. I'm not here to be famous, likable, relatable, or your friend. I'm here to make people laugh. Sometimes I lose sight of that, but it's coming back into focus as of late.

Tried to write busted foot-immobility jokes. Failed!

Expect me to be less of an emo bitch and much more of a whimsical motherfucker on Saturday at Gorman's. Show starts around nine. Holla at me for directions or just Google Map that shit. You can also see the place I'm buying. It's at 54 Highland Ave, McKees Rocks, PA. 15136. Google Maps is tight. Friends have asked when the housewarming party is. Motherfuckers, it's going to be a housewarming YEAR!!!!!

The best songwriters in the world usually aren't the most popular songwriters in the world. Just like with comedians, politicians, and whores.

David Mamet is pretty much as awesome as writer-directors come. In a time when many other writers are examining the human condition and doing other pussy-ass stuff like exploring feelings, his work is usually unapologetically masculine and male-oriented. It's still well-written and well-made, but it's made to appeal to man's desire to be badass and kill. His dialogue is so good it gives my cerebral cortex an erection.

I've put this up before, but this is as good as writing can get. Baldwin dominates this scene with it, which is no small task against these actors.

Hippitus hoppitus.-BK

Drew a firearm during league play.

2009-02-19T08:56:00.000-05:00

Helen's Kitchen Tofu Steaks. Super good. Two thumbs up. In fact, if I could somehow surgically graft functioning thumbs onto my forearms, I'd put those up too. I may dice one up and stir-fry some shit with it tomorrow.

I need to buy Bocelli's stuff. I think this song is about getting a blow job behind a gas station, but I'm not 100% sure. I do know that it's beautiful to the ear.

This is about the time they tag-teamed the U.S. Women's soccer team's towel girl in Turin(o), I'm certain of it.

Europeans have real culture, and adore real talent, instead of just perfect, bodacious, tits and pearly white teeth. They don't think they're better than Americans, they know it!

Boy I tell ya, some people have all the luck. Or just no shame.

Infinite is just a word.-BK

Passionate fister.

2009-02-18T09:49:00.000-05:00

How bad does my foot hurt?

Well, when I walked downstairs to get breakfast this morning, half-asleep, I was fully, FULLY awake by the time I got to the kitchen. I whimpered. Not grimaced or swore, but whimpered. I stood on my left leg, caught the counter, and attempted to regulate my breathing back to a normal state. I lay in bed watching movies I've watched tens of times before all day yesterday and tried not to gorge on food. I was moderately successful.

How bad does my heart hurt?

Not as bad as I'd thought it would when I said goodbye in person in December, but still pretty bad. Otis was the kind of dog that liked everyone, and in turn, everyone liked him. He wasn't aggressive or Alpha, but he wasn't one to back down from many challenges either. As a Lab, he was incredibly intelligent, and well-tuned to the inclinations of friends and family members. He knew who would pet him, who would feed him incessantly, and who would play with him. To the world and casual readers, he was just a dog, but to me he was more than a dog. He was a loyal friend, trusted confidant, and treasured companion. He was in my family's lives for fourteen years, and in mine, everyday, for eleven. He was simply an extraordinary being. Unlike friends and lovers, who we all simply replace with newer, less slutty/more awesome models, dogs have their own places in our hearts, and when they leave us, only a void that can never be filled remains.

Do you know what I'll always remember about him?

He never, not once, ever, ate his own poop or vomit. That about says it all right there.

All this time spent in recumbent positions means I'm going to be hitting the books pretty hard. A few novels, and going to the used bookstore later to see if they have some home improvement books. Over the past few years, I've slowly began to understand things about "fixin' stuff." Advanced carpentry, plumbing, and electric work are a long way off, but not as impossible as I once thought they'd be.

Watched Sex, Lies, and Videotape the other night with a few friends. What an engrossing film. Lots of little tweaks in there to keep the viewer interested and engaged.

The Moose was what it was, to use cliche terms. I showed up buzzed on pain pills and leaned against the wall while consuming unhealthy amounts of alchohol. Some douche got bounced, which was funny, as one has to be unbelievably stupid and rude to get bounced out of The Smiling Moose. It made my evening. Comedy was mediocre, but then again, so is life. Not every night is going to be a winner, although I'm still a winner. Every night.

I don't know why that car is even made.-BK

Rising Dragon Fist.

2009-02-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

There's nothing to say.
A part of me is gone with him.
I am heartbroken.

Goodbye Otis.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I either have tendonitis or a small fracture somewhere in my right foot. Either way, I'm not allowed to be working this week. Two hours of waiting for about 12 minutes with the M.D. That folks, is why I don't go to the doctor unless taken there spraying arterial blood via ambulance. Grr. I'm pretty much confined to quarters for a while. Gotta keep the foot healthy. I could just get lazy and eventually have it cut off, but I don't think women would go for an amputee who didn't lose his appendage in the war. Not that heroic really. Just sad. I would get disability though...

Signed more real estate paperwork today. I cannot believe how many legally binding sheets of paper I've put my name on in the past few weeks, and I don't even own the property yet! I am getting closer though. I had to pay five hundred dollars today to get a home inspection. 500 dollars for a guy to walk around the place with a flashlight and amperage meter for a few hours. Though it's upsetting and a financial burden, it's cheaper than having a bathtub fall through a floor or an attic full of looted WWII era artillery shells or something. Money well spent, even if it's hard to part with.

Hey Tom Musial, your blog redesign looks tight!

Money Saving Tips from Tom Musial on Vimeo.

No offense to the great Dave Grohl intended, but Hole is/was better than Nirvana. Period. This song is better written than anything Nirvana ever put out. "Someday, you will ache like I ache." That is just killer. Killer! There is an insane genius of sorts to Courtney Love that I admire very much. The discussion is now closed. Thank you for participating.

Look for me at The Smiling Moose tonight pouring some out on the curb for my dog Otis.

This was his debut. Pretty good.-BK

Shadowboxer baby!

2009-02-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

Foot still hurts. A lot. Visit to the company clinic is in store for later this afternoon. Not excited.

On the way home from work (which I left early from, due to pain) I stopped at Giant Eagle for a few provisions. Because I had nothing else to do and a gift card to deplete, I browsed the movie section. Low and behold, I found a copy of the original version of The Hitcher, starring C. Thomas Howell and the incomparable Rutger Hauer for only six bucks!

This is one of those overlooked films that never gets it's props, even from movie nerds. In short summation, kid picks up hitcher. The hitcher is crazy. Kid ditches hitcher. Hitcher says "aw hell no!" or something to that affect, and starts stalking the kid whilst continuing to gruesomely murder people(including an entire family). Jennifer Jason Leigh suspended between a running semi tractor and large, heavy, stationary object. It ends badly. Kid and hitcher have final showdown in desert. See it.

"Hi kid."

A lot of movies from the Eighties used the American desert as a marvelous background. They don't seem to do that much anymore. Perhaps "they" consider it cliche? I just think it looks really cool and adds to the theme of isolation that many of the films carry. Can you name other films with awesome desert backdrops?

That's right! You're ever so smart! The Wraith is hella-cool! Know of any more?

"Slam" by Onyx is somehow, someway, on my computer. I'm not sure what to make of this. Is it a desperate attempt to hold onto a rapidly fading sense of youth, or just a nice song to work out to?

I am getting old though. You wanna know why? I no longer view forty as "old."

I had a generic lentil loaf for dinner and the following day's lunch a few days ago, which put this man's songs into my head for a bit. He can fucking SING!

That was some hot patootie-style awesomeness right there!

Men of a certain age and choice in front lawn accoutrement still wear their hair like that without any sense of irony here in Pennsylvania. I think it's one of the reasons I like living here.

I used to get baked into another dimension and listen to Bat Out of Hell for hours on end. I always got super-paranoid listening to regular stoner music, so I'd listen to stuff like this, Donna Summer, or Abba, and watch The Terminator, heavily edited for basic cable. No point to that story, but it happened. Used to get stoned to Celine Dion songs too. Fuck you for judging me!

Saw The International yesterday. Other than a rad Guggenheim shootout scene, and nice locations/backdrops, it sucked. Like the last Bond film, the characters, especially the bad guys, were uninteresting and the viewer couldn't really hate them. Hence, he couldn't really root for the good guys and invest emotion in the film. Should have gone to see Coraline.

Not just a studio creation. Great adaptation! I'm throwing my Katy Perry fandom out and moving Lady Gaga into my third or fourth tier female dance/pop singer section. It exists in the library in my head. It's confusing even to me. I can't explain it.

They are embarrassing themselves and insulting his intelligence.-BK

The Cure - Galore

2009-02-15T08:42:00.000-05:00

People often wonder what it is that I do all day long at work, so here it is:

I currently only work three days a week. Two consecutive double shifts and a single.

3:35 AM My cell phone's alarm(currently Mudvayne's "Happy Now") goes off. I immediately hit snooze. Sometimes I milk that extra five glorious minutes of sleep, but mostly I just lay in the dark for five minutes, put on my glasses, and think about the day ahead while becoming cogniscant and waiting for the second alarm to go off.

I'm up. If it's below freezing and/or raining/snowing, I go straight outside to my car, often in my underwear, and start it up. Gotta get those windows defrosted! I return to the house, take my morning pee, brush the teeth, apply deoderant, and dress myself.

I start with socks, usually thicker and above the ankle in height, then I pull on my long john bottoms OVER the sock. No skin is exposed at the ankle. I put on the long john top. They usually aren't from the same set. For example, yesterday I wore a light blue cotton thermal top and dark blue wool/synthetic bottom. I wear long underwear pretty much every working day of the week between late November and early March. I throw on whatever pair of work pants is clean, folded, and closest to my position. Same with a t-shirt. I'll usually don a work hoodie too. If it's going to be colder, I'll put on more shit at work. I throw on my boots and grab my pre-made and bagged supply of food for the day.

4:00 AM I leave Millvale. I try to have my musical accompaniment selected the night before. Yesterday it was Ozzy Osbourne's Ozzmosis album. I usually listen to something fast and thumping on the way in, as dawn is still a few hours a way and five hours' sleep is considered a good night for me. I may or may not kill a water bottle(filled from the tap, what am I, rich?!) on the drive. I'm a stickler for proper hydration while at work.

I take my time driving the Parkway. Often, it's so early that plows have not really been out, so things get treacherous. When the road is clear, I usually don't push it much past 60 speedwise, as I know of about 5 places cops like to sit and "protect and serve" until an above average Joe like me on his way to work speeds by at 75.

4:25-4:30 AM I'm in the parking lot at work. I park The Warrior, grab my lunch, put it into my messenger bag, throw my work badge on, check to make sure all my windows are up, hop out, shut the door, click the locks, and head in. If it's going to snow, I pull up my windshield wipers.

My walk/other drive in takes about 12 minutes. I walk through the huge PIT Airport parking lot, into the terminal, and go to the bag room. I grab a bag tug and drive about a mile to our gates. I swipe in.

I'm usually at work about ten minutes before my designated start time, so I'll try to eat something thick and hearty in order to prepare myself for the upcoming 18 hours of glory. Often, it tends to be oatmeal or triple cheese Easy Mac(namebrand for this baller) but sometimes it a rice or vegetable dish left over from the night before. Pizza makes many appearances as well.

Between the hours of 5 and 8 AM, my Coworkers and I are responsible for loading and releasing seven 737 aircraft, which is impressive, but even more so when I explain that those seven planes are only able to be loaded/boarded at three gates. It's like a plane ballet. It's rough and fast-paced, but if you plan ahead, you're almost always gonna make it out the other side retaining your sanity and without taking delays.

From 8 AM to 3 PM we average about a plane an hour. Depending on your assignment for the day, you may only work planes for about ten minutes. Even if you're a "lead" or "buff" you're usually only working steadily for about a half an hour.

(Southwest planes are in the air an average of twelve hours a day. We don't like to see them sitting for longer than 25 minutes, as a plane that isn't carrying passengers isn't making you(or the stockholders) any money.)

For my second shift, which starts at 130 PM, I'm often found downstairs in the bag room, removing bags from the belt and placing them in carts separated by destination. It's steady work, but it's cake. Out of the elements and pretty much free to do whatever your heart desires as long as the belt stays clear.

Over the course of an "average" day I'm often:

-Eating. I eat a lot of food at work. At least 1500 calories during a double shift. Each bag ways roughly thirty pounds, and each plane has roughly 75 bags, multiplied by about 14 planes a day. I need to eat often and well in order to do my job.
-Writing jokes and/or screenplay/scene ideas. Most will never get farther than the pages of my notebooks, and for good reason.
-Watching our satellite television. Collectively, we don't seem to ever mind the Discovery Channel, no matter the content. Personally, I'm a fan of MTV Cribs, Fuse, Fuel, CNN/KDKA in the early morning, AMC in the afternoons, Comedy Central at nights and especially weekend nights, and USA when LaO: SVU is on.
-Lifting weights. Occasionally. Well, "rarely" really.
-Reading. This ranges from the daily newspapers(papers from different regions removed from airplane garbage bins are a favorite!), tabloid mags, music, fashion, mountainbiking, and men's interest-related magazines, to popular fiction and reference. I just began Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian. Novels take me as little as a day or two or as long as a month to read, depending on if I take them home at night.
-Computing, We have internet. I check the social networking sites, the comedy sites, the bmx/mountainbiking sites, IMDB and often just get on Wikipedia and see were I eventually end up at. I usually write a rough draft of this here blog at work and polish it up at home later. I'm about a day ahead of the current date regarding blog writing.

----

In other news which is nonetheless work-related, my foot is killing me. Something on the outside of my right foot/ankle is out of wack big time! It sends a sharp, stabbing pain up my leg when I walk on it. It even does it while I'm driving. I'm going to the clinic on Monday morning. I'm hurtin' real bad right now, but have been on a strict regimen of rest, whiskey, and Tylenol. It is helping somewhat. Even a placebo effect is welcome at this stage.

Hobbled out to Belvedere's last night to watch a friend wrestle in pudding. I mostly did it to show her support, but I ended up having a really great time. It was well run and the drinks ran cheap. No complaints here.

All the way over in Millvale.-BK

Recliner.

2009-02-14T04:44:00.001-05:00

Double shift into a single shift. Very little sleep, but I get to nap when I get home later. I can do it. No real time to write anything for today, but I did start on a "what do I do all day?" blog that's super-fantastic. It will be up tomorrow or Monday. As Samuel L. Jackson uttered, cigarette dangling from his lips in Jurassic Park: "Hold on to your butts."

Ms. Sorsha. Damn. Mmmm.

"Peck" is kind of an awesome slur. Maybe the best slur of all time. Still a slur though. Bummer.

I was looking for a good T-Rex clip, because T-Rexes are fucking awesome, but this came up, and it's too fantastic for you not to click on! How did Weird Al ever get claymation money?

It lacks the pep it had before it went to the shop. WTF with both a question mark and exclamation point.-BK

Not without my daughter.

2009-02-13T05:00:00.000-05:00

I was very tired yesterday. Got out of my second shift in order to accomplish some house buying-related business, and almost fell asleep at the wheel at least three separate times on my way home. It probably wasn't advisable to be listening to Mogwai when in such a state. Mogwai does rule like an audio Alexander though.

I've said it before, I'm sure I'll say it again, and I'll say it right now. Thanks for reading. My magical counter keeps on climbing as the weeks go by. If you're new, welcome. If you're old, thanks. If you're neither, what are you, and why are you doing this to me!?

The UK does it better.

Surprisingly different weather yesterday. Sunny and fair. But breezy. Really breezy. Which sucks, as the sandy grittiness on the ground at PIT decided to let itself blow around and abrade my face. There was a miniature sandstorm on the ramp yesterday. Bad times, but the "summer day in fourth grade" blue skies and puffy clouds sort of made up for it.

My sister used the word "pumped" in a Facebook status update yesterday. That is the penultimate "jock" term. I don't believe I've ever written the word in reference to being excited. I know goddamn good and well I've never used it aloud in that context. Jocks and their weird language. I would explore it more deeply, but the primitive moans and surly grunts emanating from the nearest Hooters location always wards me off. Perhaps I should attempt to make contact with their culture via an offering of mass quantities of beer with the world "Lite" on the label?

I've decided to start an evangelical Christian Eighties cover band. We're calling ourselves "Jeers for Queers." Har har har. God I suck.

Jeremy Lusk died from injuries he suffered in this crash. He died doing what he loved to do, what made him happiest in the world. We should all be so lucky. Whether it's flipping a motorcycle, teaching a class, or water skiing, we should all be so lucky. He was 24 years old. Think of him and the risks he knew he took the next time pushing yourself seems a little scary. He risked his life to live his life. We should all be so lucky.

That's that.

And this is this.-BK

Tossed apart.

2009-02-12T05:00:00.000-05:00

QT is at it again! YESSSS!!! I grew up on The Dirty Dozen, Kelly's Heroes, and Where Eagles Dare, and this is in their grand tradition. Midnight showing for me!

It looks like it's going to continue to be an awesome decade for nerds. Unfortunately, in addition to being a nerd, I'm also a film buff, which leaves me concerned about the quality of adaptations I'm nonetheless totally excited about seeing...

Lee and Josh burst into the place we were eating post-hilarity Tuesday night and sang me happy birthday while Lee played his banjo. It was awesome. I'm not sure if Lee really understands how devastatingly funny and good his music is. Josh is no comedic slouch either.

SHRIMP from krullbeast on Vimeo.

I've watched that video at least twenty times. It just kills me.

Look for me and other hilarious PGH comics on February 21st at Gorman's Pub. It's going to be a great time! Come out, laugh, and blow off some of that stress. What else are you gonna do, kill your family out of shame? It'll feel good to come out and laugh, like a weight's been removed from your shoulders. How good? Remember that time in high school when your girlfriend went to the doctor and found out her period was late because of her poor diet and drug use and not because of that other reason? That good. Come out!

The mother of those octuplets is disgusting, and a red hot metal implement of some sort should be inserted into her vagina until resistance is encountered, and then inserted a little farther. Her children are doomed to lead cursed lives because of her many, many mental disorders and delusions. Fuck that bitch, fuck the sperm donor, fuck her stupid parents, and most importantly FUCK ANY DOCTOR WHO HELPED HER CONCEIVE!

Have a shot!-BK

Check it yourself.

2009-02-11T10:07:00.000-05:00

I see a lot of fucked up movies. By choice. I seek them out. Imprint takes the cake. That's all I can really divulge about it. It takes the cake. It's cake you don't even want to eat, but can't stop eating. A really interesting test of one's "taste." It is good to be challenged by film. After all, it's fiction, mostly, so how offensive can it really be?

Everyone who gets down, has gotten down, or plans to get down should own Lady Gaga's The Fame. The only way it'd be better is if Akon didn't make guest appearances, but it's still really fucking good. "Bluffin' with my muffin." Fantastic.

Comedy was fun last night. Comedy is not always fun if you're a comedian, but it was fun last night. Chill crowd, but fuck it, you just gotta move forward and bring "it." Which I did. Because I am just that good.

I kind of hate how politics has gotten back to normal. America needs the stimulus package to pass. Although I support a "let them all fail" philosophy, if they all failed at once, it would end the comfortable existence we all seem to be enjoying, so we need to bail out the oppressive corporate bastards, even if we hate their guts.

Just because Demitri Martin is essentially the anti-Dane Cook doesn't mean he's funny. That's all. Thanks.

In this economy, it's a bad idea to invest so heavily in private jets.-BK

The alarm.

2009-02-10T09:35:00.000-05:00

Think it's expensive where you live? Well, chances are you're not wearing long underwear, snowmobiling out of necessity, and paying these kinds of prices, so shut yo' traps!

Sometimes, the whole "turn my back on God" thing doesn't work out too well, even though I get laid fairly regularly and always score good parking. On the way to get a new tire yesterday, another tire, a perfectly fine tire, on my car managed to pick up a piece of steel in the tread which almost instantly flatted me while traveling at about warp speed. I hadn't gone to plaid quite yet, but it was close. Also, it was a sum of money I did not want to spend as I'm...

...hopefully getting a house in a month!!

By "getting" I mean buying. By "buying" I mean I will be legally responsible for the repayment of a substantial amount of money for the next thirty years of so. I have now planted a foot firmer into adulthood.

It's really an elaborate means to a very simple end, folks. I found myself lamenting my lack of a dog about a month ago. Voice in my head, which is usually pretty quiet save for urging me to eat the rest of pizzas I've ordered, said, "If you had a house, you could get a dog." I laughed heartily at our foolish idea, but it festered like one of my many sores until it popped into the forefront of my mind. Long story short, I made contact with a few lenders, told them what I wanted to spend, and instead of laughing me out of their offices, they said, "you seem down, let's roll." Which was really weird, as they were all fifty year old white men. So then I started looking around the greater(lesser) Pittsburgh area. I'll tell you fuckers something, the real estate available for what I make in two years in this town is incredible!

As a first time homebuyer, you can get a FHA loan with a low down payment and receive HUGE tax deductions/loans. If you want to own a home for less than you pay in rent, I would recommend looking into it. My credit history/score is fairly shitty, and they still made it happen for me without a problem. Stop throwing money away on rent. Rent is like the strip club, but without the restroom coke runs and titties. You can only have so much fun at a cokeless, titless strip club. Believe me, I've tried.

Oh yeah, said house is actually an over/under duplex, which means I'll be offering an apartment for rent around April 1st or so, so if you're down for a clean, huge, chill ass apartment with entirely new appliances in a quiet neighborhood for under market rent, holla at me! If you have friends looking for a place, holla at them, and then have them holla at me. If neither, tip a 40oz. in moment of fond remembrance of my youth, and holla at whomever, or bark at the moon a la Ozzy in '86.

What's funnier, fat people, or retards? I say fat people, because fat is a lifestyle choice, a physical manifestation of weakness, where as retard is the result of Nature spazzing out on the job.

This is what I miss the most about living in CO/the West. Absolutely unbelievably fun stuff to ride, or attempt to ride. The bike he's on is worth about 6k. Worth every penny if you live out there. Overkill for PA though.

Scott on SoMo from lacemine29 on Vimeo.

You should get on that right away!-BK

Flame off!

2009-02-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

The first order of business today is a HUGE congrats going out to my friend and fellow comedian, the one, the only... Mr. Terry Jones on his big win at the Pittsburgh Hip-Hop Awards! He truly is one of the funniest, most relevant comics, Hip-Hop or otherwise, in Pittsburgh today, and his victory is proof that hard work and sacrifice yields results. No one, and I seriously mean, NO ONE, in Pittsburgh works as hard as Terry works, and he deserves what he has, and what is one day going to come to him! Super-excited for him! Stoked on the amount of people who LOVE him and support what he does and continues to do! YEAH TERRY!

I'll tell you about today tomorrow.

In the meantime:

Make it a double.-BK

Stay home and watch TV.

2009-02-08T08:55:00.000-05:00

Big day yesterday. Bigger day Monday, with an exciting week to follow. Stay tuned, and cross your fingers for me.

I'm thinking of opening a Twitter account, even though I believe quite firmly that less is not always more, but I think my genius will transfer with few problems. I can kick more ass with 160 characters than a lot of folks who's "Twitters" have made their way into the Benosphere. That's right cockfaces, the Benosphere. Sit there and take it. I don't even have to tell you to do it, because you will. You're American after all, and that's just what we do. We take copious amounts of other people's banal shit. To a point.

How many of you kids are down with/on/upon Twitter? Good idea or bad? Input! Need input!

Anyways...

Grocery shopping went normal yesterday. Sort of, at least, because my dad happened to be there. I have three to five more times the amount of things than I normally have, but I didn't pay, so I am not about to complain. I can't see the back of my freezer, actually. MorningStar boxes far and wide. He even cleaned my kitchen(the state of which "squalor" was too kind a word to describe) while I slept! I awoke briefly, was pissed, then realized the noise was from someone doing something for my benefit with no payback necessary, and fell back asleep for a bit.

Uh... WOW!

What the hell is wrong with me? I've been reading PerezHilton.com far too much this year. I might as well just subscribe to a supermarket tabloid or watch Fox News with this damned addiction to utterly fluffy news!

I was on the fence about my ritualistic Saturday night social endeavours last night. Decided to stay in and watch some of the ridiculous porn I've pulled out of the claw machine at The Smiling Moose. That's right, my favorite bar on Earth has a claw machine with pretty much nothing but porn, sex toys, and stuffed(no pun intended) animals. They were good for a laugh, but I didn't find myself very eager or willing to "blow off any steam" to them, if you get my drift. If you don't get my drift, I mean I was unable to masturbate to them. However, I will keep them around for two reasons: One is that I am not a quitter. To is that but will keep them in the collection for possible clandestine insertion(pun intended) into DVD players at random house parties. I live for fun, and I live quite well.

That isn't included.-BK

First Chair Monte Cello.

2009-02-07T07:31:00.000-05:00

Entertaining my father for a day and a half. He's in town for some final-stage house hunting. The search has narrowed, but continues forward.

The Soup is so delicious!

Thanks for all the birthday well wishes. Especially the well-written ones. Creativity is always appreciated by the Ben Kenny. No blow jobs though this year. Again. Meh.

People are taking the Christian Bale thing too far. The man cares very much about his work. He was involved in a scene, somewhat in character, and probably a little stressed out. After all, he's carrying an entire movie. Audiences aren't going to see Terminator: Salvation because McG is directing it. They're going for Patrick Wayne! People's jobs, hundreds of millions of dollars, the hopes and dreams of nerds everywhere, etc...

Michael Phelps lost his Kellogg's gig. How stupid is Kellogg's? Just have him pitch something sweet and sugary instead of whatever healthy shit he sells now. Stoners love cereal! Or so I've been told.

I love Steve Martin. He is a creative genius, and somewhat of an icon of mine, but seriously! Peter Sellers is rolling over in his grave!

Hail to the King!

I laughed at the sheer insanity of it.

Tomorrow is here already!-BK

Terrell Suggs.

2009-02-06T09:48:00.000-05:00

I turn twenty-five years old today. A quarter of century, and very likely, more than a quarter of my life has passed.

Birthdays don't normally invoke a lot of deep thought from me, as I'm not big on commemorating days on calendars every year, but this one snuck up on me and punched me in the stomach of my brain.

A journey back, an examination of the present, and a vision of a future have been running though my head in the last day or two.

Ten years ago, I was a freshmen in high school. I was on the forensics(debate) team that year, but chose not to continue with it in order to focus on smoking more weed and sleeping in on the weekends. I had just quit Scouting abruptly, and had a dreadfully mundane social life. Things were about as bad as they'd ever been. I do credit my involvement with forensics with starting my interest in comedy. Original Comedy was not my event, but I'd watch it, and know that I was funnier than anyone else in the room, for sure and for certain. At that point, I'd started to sneak into the city and talk my way onto a bar show every few months. I told no one, as comedy was(still is) something I do for me, and me alone.

Today, at twenty-five, I can very honestly say that I did not expect to be where I am in my life. I can say that I'm very happy I'm here though. I've lived in different parts of the U.S., met, and continue to meet people from all walks of life and ethnicities, and realize only now how special and, dare I say it, "blessed" my life has been to this point. I have never had a serious medical condition, chemical addiction I couldn't kick fairly easily, or problem I didn't have resources to solve.

Ten years down the line, I'll be thirty-five. Will I be married? Children? Divorced? I don't know. I honestly don't care, or care to think much about it. I don't have a life plan. I can only hope to still be doing comedy and have some retention of my youth and spirit.

------

These made me laugh so hard. So hard. Not cruelly either. More like "Pugs are the Danny Devito in Twins of dogs." The only dog shorter than knee height I'd consider actually owning.

I ate a whole pizza. It was my birthday gift to myself. It was good. For Pennsylvania pizza.

This helps me out in a big way. Owe you two.-BK

Ruled by secrecy.

2009-02-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the proper way to get up to some tomfoolery. Totally hilarious.

------

My yearly battle with the Tax Man has once again been fought. As it is every year, for every person making less than 100k or so, I lost. 9.8 percent of my income paid directly to the federal government, in addition to the state and city taxes I pay. Grumble.

This is why I virtually never give the homeless people or religious organizations money. My tax dollars, whether I want them to or not, pay for wars, welfare, and police forces, in addition to PA's marvelous road system.

The one religious organization I never have a qualm about giving money to is The Salvation Army, simply because I've never felt evangelized by them, and because their financial records(allocation of money) are pretty impressive.

I'm listening to Anthrax as write this. Just a reminder to the average reader of my blog: I'm awesome.

All my complaints sink to nothing if that can happen.-BK

Not even close.

2009-02-04T10:05:00.002-05:00

Michael Phelps likes the green. The green has not ever killed anyone, or given them an unfair advantage. Leave the man alone.

One of the best songs from the Godfathers of emo. People who think Pete Wentz writes deep, introspective, lyrics are sheltered morons and/or having a tough junior year of high school. Jimmy Eat World is ten times better than any band that bastardizes the genre and music they helped to create. The best thing to come out of Arizona besides Raising Arizona.

The Moose was super fun last night. Did some very golden oldies from the vault and some new stuff, which needs a little more polishing, but the highlight of the night for me was Chuck. It was Chuck's FIRST TIME EVER last night and you couldn't ask for a better first set. He says he's gonna come back. He should, because if he doesn't he's going to catch holy hell from me, since we work together. I firmly believe standing on a stage to do stand-up for your first time is one of the hardest things one can do in the performing arts. Comedians don't have a backup singer or DJ. They have to carry their entire performance by themselves. Props to Chuck and props to anyone else who's ever gotten on stage not for simple attention, but for the art of the game.

Then, we ate Cambodian food. It was delicious, and the gas I'm expelling this morning is quite pungent and rather tangy. Sweet.

There are logic-defying tricks in here. I especially like how he rides with his bars backwards for a bit. Rad song too.

That about does it for this day. A day among many.

It's not feasible.-BK

Immaculate perception!

2009-02-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

This little tale right here is scary. Really scary. Really, really, really fucking scary. Terrifying, actually.

I don't know if I would've been able to maintain sanity in a situation like that. Good on him for surviving.

There is a strong chance of Ben Kenny in downtown Pittsburgh today. Gotta welcome home the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers with the rest of the Nation...

There is an even stronger chance of Ben Kenny at The Smiling Moose tonight. Gotta welcome home the one and only Rocco Supreme. Rocco is back from NYC for a visit. Rocco is funny!

Speaking of funny, I got recognized on the street Sunday night by some random girl, who said she'd seen me at my show the night before and that I'd made her laugh really hard. Getting recognized in "civilian life" by random folks has happened to me quite a few times at this point in my "career", but it's still the absolute coolest feeling in the world when someone breaks their stride to stop and tell you how funny you are. It definitely put me even further onto cloud nine that night.

I've been learning about actually claiming deductions and whatnot on my taxes this year. I'm learning that I should've been learning about this kind of stuff a few tax seasons ago instead of being apathetic about it. Union dues, uniforms, and parking are tax deductible. The amount of money I spend on each every year is quite significant. I always thought kids, spouses, and handicaps were the only tax-easing things, but boy oh boy was I ever wrong!

I've been listening solely to Radiohead's Kid A release all week. It's a masterful recording. Jump on it, dive into it, and absorb it to your pulsating rotten core. Far beyond and above pretty much anything in the history of history.

Just fucking totally spectacular.

Gotta call some more mortgage people today. Borrowing substantial amounts of money is quite harrowing, but easy enough if you can remove yourself from the situation, watch it from outside, and jump back in when you have some semblance of understanding about it all. Don't rush to close real estate deals. After all, you not only have to live in the place, you have to pay for it too! Do you know what saving a half percent in interest on, oh, 200k will save you over the life of the mortgage? A lot of money. A ton of money! Enough to see a lot of concerts, do a lot of coke, or to waste on charitable donations not involving strippers, little people, strippers and little people, and/or little people strippers.

Real estate is tangible. It will always, always, always, always, hold some value. The trick is when to buy, and at what price.

You may hit it big on the stock market, but you also run a serious risk of having you investment(your money!) lay stagnant, or worse, totally disappear. Don't put anything in the stock market that you can't risk losing and don't need back within five years. Jim Cramer is popular because Jim Cramer is really fucking smart. I'm a Cramerican, in addition to my membership in the Steeler Nation.

Happy-happy joy-joy!-BK

Limo with a hot tub.

2009-02-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

Man what a day yesterday. Went to work, got out early, got to the bar in time to catch the last three quarters of the game. Mega-awesome.

I saw this and almost creamed myself. Luckily, I had prior knowledge of the movie's existence. Still though, it was close.

So excited to see The Baroness, Destro, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Heavy Duty, Scarlett, and motherfuckin' Cobra Commander on the big screen. Even if it sucks, it's going to be awesome!

Now you know too, AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!!!!

Statham rules so hard. This commercial makes Audi, one of my favorite car companies in terms of design, even sweeter.

This made me laugh out loud. "Cottage cheese-like mush." Great. Possibly the best ad of the night. I'm very happy that Alec Baldwin never moved to Canada like he said he would.

-----

In non consumption-related news, both of my shows on Saturday night were awesome. Good crowds, a new joke that hit HUGE, and free beer. Things are going great, and they're only getting better.

The house search continues this week.

I ain't got time to recite lines from Predator verbatim.-BK

Forever's gonna start tonight.

2009-02-01T23:10:00.000-05:00

Took a "movie" shower after work yesterday. You know the kind. Steam everywhere, room somewhat dark, solitary figure in profile hunched under the water, head bowed, eyes closed. Just thirty minutes of relaxation between a bad day at work and a busy, but infinitely fun, evening.

-----

Pittsburgh 11:07 PM, Sunday, February 1st 2009

I'm just back from Belvedere's where I watched one hell of a football game. Pittsburgh won in the last two minutes, which made for a heart-wrenching, soul-crushing, exciting and uplifting kind of game.

Like all good fans, we exited the bar to celebrate, simply CELEBRATE, on the streets for a little while and were met by unnecessarily aggressive Pittsburgh police officers looking for a fight. Riot gear, dogs, paddy wagons, etc... They closed the street to traffic, and then prevented us from celebrating in said street. Kind of weird, but as poet laureate of the streets, Ice Cube, once said, FUCK DA POLICE! We had fun anyways.

Steelers now, and Steelers forever!

He's drunk officer, just relax, we'll keep him on the sidewalk!-BK

Bodysnatchers.

2009-01-31T16:20:00.000-05:00

I have no problem with using steroids for business-related reasons. It's odd though, because how many other 62 year-old action stars are there? Gotta stay on top I guess, even when you own the mountain.

His new joint, The Expendables, in addition to his participation, features names like Rourke, Bullock, Kingsley, Lundgren, Knepper, Li, and Whitaker. The entire synopsis? "A group of mercenaries travel to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator." This may very well be the greatest popcorn action flick ever!

The Republican party elected their first black national party chairman. Now to do something about all that poverty, inequality, and prejudice they've been perpetuating for the last three decades. On a less cynical note, I guess Barack is already getting black people jobs! Wheee!

I just saw "one guy, one cup." Google it if you dare! It's definitely NSFW.

Mandatory overtime tomorrow. So much for a fun Sunday watching the game. Super pissed.

I've already forgotten.-BK

Digital Bathwater.

2009-01-30T09:12:00.003-05:00

Somedays your alarm goes off at 3:30 in the morning, and you're all like, "fuck this shit" and you pick up your phone and call in sick. Even though you're just a little sick. Sick time rules!

Girly man!

Can some explain to me why Indians love big dance numbers so much? Every Bollywood movie I've ever seen... HUGE dance numbers! Why?!

I shave in the shower, usually once a week. Easy kids, just my face. I will not encourage your dirty thoughts today. It's just that I don't ever even look in the mirror while shaving anymore. Just drag and rinse. Drag and rinse. Oh, the joys of an Eastern European/Irish gene pool. No real hair growth to speak of on the face or legs, but a lot on the back and in the nose. Sexy like Mr. Bean.

I'm rather excited about the possibility of winning Superbowl tickets. The normalcy of my daily activities is quite horrifying to me sometimes.

Not one, not two, but, wait... yeah, TWO shows tomorrow night! Look for me in Lawrenceville at The New Amsterdam, and in a suburb/township/borough/whatever right outside of Pittsburgh at Sunny Jim's with Billy Elmer. I don't know why every comic in Pittsburgh puts "with Billy Elmer" when they do one of his shows, but I'm not one to challenge the eons old traditions of comedy. I go with the flow, because in this game, you're either moving or dying. You can move upstream, but why fight? The New Amsterdam is FREE! Sunny Jim's is affordable, because, after all, in this economy, you can't afford NOT to laugh a bit. Elmer needs to pay his mortgage, yo.

After those two shows, I'll be out dancing it up with the kids, homies, and friends of Ben Kenny worldwide! If you don't know where, you're nowhere. Wordplay rules.

What do Ted Haggard and Rod Blagojevich have in common? Hair and steel balls.

All you are. Everything. Give totally of yourself.-BK

China Buffet Barf Party!

2009-01-29T09:23:00.000-05:00

Two of the worst drives of my life yesterday. Appalling road conditions both to and from work. Cancelled appointment, show goes on, look, a puppy!

Show went well. A surprisingly young crowd. Performed with a few newish-to-me comics, which is always nice, as seeing new material/performers is SO welcome in/around this scene.

I do wish though, that our little comedy corner of the U.S. had a little more diversity to it. So many white guys in their twenties from the suburbs. Too few performers of color, vagina, and creed. Those who get it, get it. Those who don't... fuck 'em.

I'm back into Radiohead in a big fucking way as of late. Thom Yorke's solo joint, The Eraser, as well. Find me another group of musicians who collectively strive to evolve and further themselves and their art with a similar lack of fear and lack of desire to make easy money from stupid gimmicks. I dare you to.

This is a good enough place.-BK

Shot in the dark.

2009-01-28T03:43:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, while minding my own business at Target, I almost had to throw a mentally retarded/disturbed man a beating.

He was following me around the store and making really weird comments. I mean weird, even by my standards. He was pushing a wheelchair, which I assumed to be his mother or father's, but they were nowhere to be seen. I was ignoring him, but soon began to envision getting violent in my head.

Finally, as he got closer, I turned, and kicked the wheelchair back into him. I made eye contact with him, took a step toward him, and told him that if he didn't leave me alone right now, I'd break his nose with the scented candle in my hand. He made the smart choice, as did I. The candle was cinnamon, which is too effeminate for my tastes, so I put it back, leaving Target candle-free, but heavily laden with toilet paper.

Snow in store for Pittsburgh. I, and I alone, must get those motherfucking planes to TPA. Gotta get one for the other thumb!

Did no one tell him Goth is dead? I'm happy they didn't. He has Brad Skelly hair.

Show tonight at Gorman's. None of you are coming, or likely to come, ever, but I'm excited anyways. I love doing shows in new venues and with people I don't normally do shows with.

Two shows Saturday night, in addition to the always awesome Super Secret Dance Party. It's gonna be fun.

Big game on Sunday.

Probably more home shit on Monday.

I've been browsing home-related stuff and stores a lot lately. Furniture, power tools, appliances, area rugs, pictures and framing, paint, etc. I saw a 4,000 dollar recliner yesterday. A chair that demanded more than a month of my income to own. It didn't even come with an integrated piss hose or anything. Crazy.

More house viewings in store for the afternoon. Gotta find that diamond buckle for the Rust Belt I live in. I may have found it already. Taking a second look at it later. Pictures being taken. Lots of them.

The sock drawer is important.-BK

Martyrdom.

2009-01-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

Christ, I imagine this is what it would look like if Nazis became commercial loggers. Brutally efficient!

A crisp, refreshing, sort of cold about the Burgh today. Regardless, I ran the heat in my car for ten minutes before getting in and driving anywhere.

Saw The Wrestler last night. It was really well done. Mickey Rourke deserves the credit he's getting.

Back to the cold tundra of the Ramp tomorrow. It was a sweet four days off. I did a lot of house-related stuff, and as a result, drank more heavily than usual.

It's always black and white.-BK

Good getting.

2009-01-26T12:18:00.003-05:00

Fucking car is making fucking car noises in the bad way. Grr...

Only working three days a week, with two double shifts in there. Lots of free time. Lots of free time. Lots of free time.

An Oscar-worthy performance.

More home shopping in store this week.

Can't stay long today.

Don't call it like you see it. You see things wrong.-BK

2000 AD

2009-01-25T13:23:00.003-05:00

In anticipation of the upcoming film adaptation, I've spent my week rereading Watchmen. The uncouth call it a comic book, nerds refer to it as a graphic novel, but I think it transcends the genre and stands with few others. It's depth and scale are pretty much totally insane. It takes longer to read than a traditional novel because you have to pause, and look at the action in the panels. It's kind of like reading a really long children's book, but to yourself.

I especially like the uncompromising artistic integrity of the author, Alan Moore. He steadfastly refuses to see(or work on) film adaptations of his work, and usually defers all of his royalties to the other artists involved in creating the original piece. Check out his stuff. It's great.

A late night was had last night, but fun abounded, as it usually does. Dancing, drinking, socializing, just a plain old good time with good people.

Eagerly awaiting their new album. DM, whose members are well over forty, still rock harder than most any band around. They still create valid, interesting music, and sell out most of their shows. This about as perfect as music can possibly get.

Some big shows coming up. Actually, every show is a big show. Every show "matters" because this is what I live for. I always find it somewhat out that comics are so picky about what rooms they choice to grace with their presence, especially in this town. Every time there's a mic and a stage, and I can be there without missing work or stepping on the host's toes, I'm there. Period. Every time.

See the stars, they're shining bright.-BK

His name is Rick Astley, you stupid fuck.

2009-01-24T12:34:00.005-05:00

Somedays, it seems like you're just laying upon your mattress reading about comic books when something wholly unexpected happens, and it makes your whole day, natch, your whole weekend.

I'm not gonna tell you what it was, but when I got the news, I smiled from ear to ear. A few select readers will know exactly what I'm talking about, and I know they all got a laugh out of it too!

Thanks for the calls and emails of concern. I'm fine. Just busy with things somewhat more important than blathering on and on everyday. I mostly write this as a form of intellectual stimuli, but my genius has been away on more pressing matters as of late. It was nice to know that I've been missed in some small way.

Sometimes I slow dance in my head when this song comes on. The heart is wrenched.

Gotta spray less and fan more.-BK

Keep it down now, voices carry.

2009-01-19T14:11:00.000-05:00

I never used to care about football, or team sports in general. I still don't, for the most part. I don't sit and watch countless hours of ex-players and former coaches analyzing an inherently simple game. I don't have a Sunday routine. I don't read the sports section except in July, for the Tour de France.

That hasn't changed in the past few months for the most part, but with a small exception. I now care about only one professional sporting team, in only one professional sport. I'm on the bandwagon, and waving a yellow towel with vigor.

PITTSBURGH'S GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!

Tomorrow the nation switches presidents. That's as simple as it is. It isn't complicated. It isn't an ushering in of new ideals or a goodbye to virtual tyranny. America will be in the same situation it's been in for decades, and the lack of significant reform and change will not be Barack Obama's fault. It will be yours. It will be mine. It will be ours.

If you really, truly, deeply want to change America, burn it the fuck down and start over.

That's a good song, but not my favorite song of theirs by a long shot.-BK