Double up and boogie.

It's Memorial Day weekend. Hopefully, you aren't personally affected by the horrors and tragic flaws of the Iraq War.

I am.

Over the past five years, my tax dollars have gone to fight an increasing hopeless, illegal, and immoral war.

Did my tax dollars buy the bullets an American sniper shot through a Koran last week?

Do my tax dollars pay mercenary Blackwater soldiers who shoot people down with no consequences?

Are they being used to buy American flags that cover the coffins of dead American servicemen and women?

I would hope they're putting my tax dollars to more positive use, but I doubt it.

These are things I think about while dancing.

Just let GO!-BK

Erase and Rewind.

I went out to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall yesterday. I know it's been in the theaters for a while, but I've been really poor, and on an awkward work schedule. I thought it was moderately funny. I was kind of upset to find out the movie was merely produced by Judd Apatow, and not written or directed by him.

Stone sober for a few days now. The hardest part of my "booze sabbaticals" is always the first few days, so I should be able to relax a little.

Dancing tonight. It's going to be weird drinking water/soda whilst busting sweet ass moves, but I think I can handle it, as I don't usually get "Nick Nolte drunk" when dancing anyways.

If you're reading this via Facebook, you need to start reading it from myspace or blogspot, as I often upload photos and videos, and you simply aren't getting the full experience of my blog without them. If you're reading this on Facebook, you probably are just some random person I went to high school with anyways, and you aren't of major importance to me, so, well, uh, fuck it, I suppose.

Big list of shit to accomplish this weekend. Wheeee!

The queerest of the queer.-BK

Freedom from choice is what you want.

Ever been in the beginning stages of a long highway drive when Mr. Stomach and Senator Bowel request an emergency meeting with your brain regarding an "exit strategy?" You're all... "Sorry, the needs of Mr. Stomach and the Senator are important, and certainly valid, but we are unable to realistically answer their call at this time."

It was a long, painful, nerve-wracking ten mile drive last night.

It was the closest I've ever, ever, come to shitting my pants. It was scary.

I was tensing and relaxing every muscle from my thighs to my shoulders, and the sounds I was making were reminiscent of thirties blues, Godzilla movies, and frenzied begging to a God I don't believe in.

I made it home.

18 hours later, I'm still rehydrating myself, and for some reason, I have a ravenous hunger today. Oh well.

----

Senator Kennedy has a brain tumor. Oh, now, c'mon America, you knew the Kennedy curse was gonna get him. Good thing he didn't drink himself to death.

But seriously, the guy's head is so fucking big that his life expectancy has to be better than most, if not all brain cancer patients in recorded history. That tumor has a lot of work on it's hands. If I had to pick a tumor to feel sorry for, it'd be Senator Kennedy's.

At least when he dies, the government will fund cancer research better, and my life will be less disrupted by people doing 5k runs.

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I've decided not to travel this weekend. The bookings look shady, and I have some projects at the apartment that need a man's touch. That being said and known, I'm still gonna give it a shot.

Fresh popcorn!-BK

I hate the beach and mountains too.

By all applicable logic, last night's show should have gone absolutely horrible. The comic/guest ratio was about 7 to 1, a billion people showed up to tell jokes, and I'm in the beginning stages getting sober. For a while, at least.



I found, however, that I had one of my best sets in a long time, and actually quite enjoyed watching the other comics' work as well.

We'll start with me. After all, that's why you're reading this. You all fucking love me, and/or want to be me, or you have money on when I'm going to kill myself(50th birthday)... but I digress.

I went on late, second to last. I started to working on a few brand new bits, expanded upon a few others, and worked a few old standards in as well. I was incredibly relaxed and confident, something extremely rare for me to be onstage. I had no "cricket" moments during my set, which is miraculous in a town as collectively dumb and numb as Pittsburgh is. I had fucking fun onstage last night, and I hope to repeat it.



The man above is Mo Mozuch. Mo is not only, unarguably, the funniest person in Pittsburgh, he is one of my favorite comedians, period. Check him out if you've got the chance and like to laugh so hard that liquid comes out of your nose, even if you aren't drinking anything.



This is Tim Dimond. Tim usually plays the guitar and sings really unique, evil, offensive, and funny songs about rapping fetuses, Asian women, and Helen Keller, but tonight he went "bareback" so to speak. Tim was so funny I forgot to laugh. I mean that as a high complement. I literally had to close my mouth, as my jaw dropped several times during his set. It was a totally unexpected and utterly hilarious side of him that I've never seen before. He has a future in regular stand-up if he wants to abandon the strumming. If I was him, I wouldn't stop playing the guitar though. Bitches love that shit.

Another great local comic is Subhah. Check her out if you have the chance. Prolific material.

On a clear day, I'm flying home to you.-BK

Where's Ops?

Dancing was great. Much stress was left upon the small, smoky, uneven dance floor.

I have spent my work day watching a mixture of shit, urine, and chemically treated water drain through a clear hose less than two feet from my face. Don't tell me about how "shitty" your day was. I win, hands down.

Apparently, there is some sort of hockey team here in Pittsburgh. More on this as news filters in. I hear they consume mass quantities of meat and draft beer in relation to this "hockey team," so it must be rather popular.

Too many people know Christopher Walken solely through his SNL appearances, work in disposable comedy films, or, worst of all, through the horribly underdeveloped impressions of countless comedians using his iconic presentation/delivery as a cover for a lack of originality in their acts. Kevin Pollack is exempt from this last statement.

I give you "The Dead Zone." Probably my favorite Christopher Walken movie. The man can really act. This was made by the same guy who directed "Scanners," and "Eastern Promises." It was written by Stephen King. Anthony Michael Hall should've taken better notes... Oh yeah, brief nudity, so be prepared.



Finalizing some travel plans.

She was cracking up. Totally nuts. Still hit it though.-B

Holy shit. You guys have a Waffle House out here.

Show went alright last night. I was offered the chance to host, and I should have done it, but I declined, because I was just feeling "off," in a way. My jokes seemed to work though, so that's always great. Plus, people were there!

Come out to Shadow Lounge tomorrow. I'll be taping the set for myspace/YouTube presentation, so laugh when I stop talking.

Didn't go dancing or to see that show last night. Instead, hung out with someone cool. Just hung out. The first time I've simply chilled with someone in a low-pressure environment in a long, long time. I had fun, and I got to watch turkeys get inseminated on TV!

My nails are black. Gothic/industrial badass black.



I love how the elf actually resembles Matthew Modine. I love it!

Gonna get my dance on tonight. Joy Division tribute set?! Fuck yeah!

www.whywontgodhealamputees.com

June 1st-July 1st is an alcohol sabbatical. It's time for a much-needed break.

Yeah, uh, most comedians aren't big fans of Dane Cook, actually.-BK

Things have gone from shit to vomit.

If you're reading this on blogspot, you know I'm rapidly approaching 200 posts. If you're reading this on Myspace, you know I'm well above 200 posts. Do you know what 200 posts means? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Life will continue regardless.

The dance floor was soul-crushingly empty yesterday.

Laundry all day long today.

I am really excited about my set tonight. More excited than I have been since I started doing comedy on a regular basis. The fire is fully burning in the furnace again. The pilot light never went out, but it flickered for a few months. Time to shed the blankets and woolen socks, and start sleeping naked, so to speak, metaphorically and whatnot.. (I really do sleep naked, though.)

Tim Curry really deserves a lifetime achievement award or something. At least throw this guy a big fucking bone!

Legend(Too few have seen this film. Awesome.)


IT(Fuck you if this didn't scare the shit out of you when you were younger!)


The Rocky Horror Picture Show(In a role he originated.)


I'm eating hummus today.-BK

If you show me heaven, I will meet you there.

Gonna dance tonight. Have to dance tonight. MUST dance tonight!!

It has been a shit day at work, and throwing down will be more productive and better than getting drunk. I need to shed this stress. I was so pissed earlier, so angry, that my arms and torso were shaking from the adrenaline. I was right though, and my coworkers seem to have affirmed this, so it's cool. Relatively cool, at least.

My show Saturday is early enough to afford me an evening out. I am in a bit of a bind though. There is a British Dance Night I've been meaning to check out, or a concert put on by local heroes Venus In Furs(www.myspace.com/venusinfurspgh).

The problem with Venus in Furs, a band I've seen twice, is their lead singer. On stage, the band itself is tight. They play well, have decent sound, write good music, and perhaps most importantly, seem to have "it." But the lead singer, ugh. He takes away from what this band could be. Drunken louts do not make good rock stars.

The problem with Lava Lounge, a venue I've been to more than twice, is the extreme level of hipster douchebags, both male and female, present on seemingly all nights at all times. It feels awkward dancing in there. The floor is small, the DJ booth is literally across the room(meaning the DJ can't really monitor a floor as well as he/she should be, imho) and it feels like everyone is afraid to dance. Drinks are overpriced and under made as well.

I think I'm going British Dance Night, but I'm not sure yet. They best play Killing Joke at least once.

Made some BBQ tofu earlier. It was a failure. I ate it though, because I did not want the culinary effort, which was considerable, to go to waste.

Oh baby!-BK

Dead stars.

There is video of Suge Knight, post KO on the TMZ website. If it was anyone other than Suge Knight getting dropped, I wouldn't really care, but Suge Knight is a prick. I'm not sure if anyone has ever called a black man a prick before. Is that a white-on-white insult? I don't think it's racist though, so we're all good. I'd like to see some pics or an interview with whoever knocked him out. That dude must be one fearless man.

Two shows this weekend. Hoping for a combined audience of thirty-five. Afterall, it's Pittsburgh, and if it doesn't involve meat and draft beer, people aren't going to come out, generally.

Bored? Me too. Sadly, I am at work, so I can't be sleeping or drunk. I will pull through this.

I'm cleaning the bathroom "crime scene" style tonight.

Weird Al is totally getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Totally.-BK

We got a little break. Like, two hours, I think.

Jimmy Fallon has been chosen as the successor to Conan. This is surely a sign of the upcoming global apocalypse. People like Jimmy Fallon and Dane Cook are the worst, most annoying, and least technically proficient kind of comedian, i.e. they think everything they say and do is funny. If you've ever sat through Taxi(the movie, not the show) you know this is certainly not the case. In my defense, I only sat through it because it cost me nothing, and Queen Latifah was in it. I have a weird "thing" for her. Mo'nique too. Damn sexy woman, that one.

Here's a thought. If you're going to be around Chicago/Wisconsin on Memorial Day weekend, look me up. Lots of beer consumption, and mixed drink sippin'. I am not looking forward to this trip, because I think it might be the last time I see my dog. Bummer for sure.

That's all for today.

Look for some comedy video next week, midweek.

Once I start, I cannot stop myself!-BK