Youth Pastors are stupid, stupid people.

Nothing of note going on here in Benland, but I feel that you should have something to read, so in the words of the great Jimmy Page, I'll "ramble on."

Kevin Bacon is a totally underrated actor, and deserves more accolades than he gets. I say this because I just watched The Woodsman, which is a gem of a film. The dude has massive talent. MASSIVE!

Robinson Township, PA, needs to put in some goddamn sidewalks, as riding my bicycle down the street with tire-eating sewer grates and kids in Honda Civics passing me at 60 mph is slightly disconcerting. Luckily, I only need to go to Target once every month or so.

Famous Footwear sells a lot of ugly ass shoes. The ones that look good are just as expensive as they are in the mall anyways...

I ran a mile and a half last night. Amazingly, I survived!

Bought UHF on DVD. Weird Al rules!

No performances this week. I'm taking the week off. Doing comedy in this town is like being kicked in the balls for 10 minutes by Pele. It isn't fun, and I question whether it's even worth it.

In Chicago. September 5th-11th.

Which reminds me. Six years since 9-11. No Bin Laden. No peace. No hope for this country. Six years!

Laterz-BK

Ping Pong is not the macarena!

Balls of Fury was a nice little distraction from reality. A few jokes were flat, but I still had a good time. Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant are pretty funny dudes, but they're funniest on Reno: 911. I hope that show still has a few seasons in it. Their earlier(1992) show, The State is coming out on DVD. Pick it up.

I overslept and was late for work for the first time ever today.


Look for me asking some hard questions at Steve Swanson's show, Trailer Park Trivia, on Thursday September 13th. I'll probably throw in a few crappy jokes too!

Today I'm going grocery shopping!

Well!-BK

How do we sleep while our beds are burning?

Interesting political news on local and national fronts...

A. Pittsburgh's 27 year-old "mayor," Luke Ravenstahl, says he doesn't see a reason not to attend 9,000 dollar a person golf tourneys on UPMC's dime. He stated he doesn't see a problem with them paying for him to golf, even though they have huge contracts with the city of Pittsburgh. Chicago-style politics in Pittsburgh! I love it! Everybody knows most politicians are whores to corporate America, but shit, at least have a little class! Do it under the table, like New York, New Jersey, Illinois, Washington D.C., California, etc... I guess he gets a "by" as he's young, and still learning how to best fuck over his constituents.

B. An Idaho Senator got arrested for trying to get a little man-on-man action in an airport bathroom stall. As always, shit like this makes me smile, but you know what makes it even better? That's right, he's a conservative Republican! Seriously America, how much longer are we going to be apathetic to our morally-barren U.S. Senators??? The War, the Page scandal, Gary Condit, and now this dude! It'd be hilarious if it was on ABC, but unfortunately, these people run the country!

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It's not humid, but it's still hot as fuck out. I'll take what I can get.

Pretty stoked on the upcoming movie season. Halloween, Shoot 'Em Up, Balls of Fury, The Brave One, Death Sentence(Kevin Bacon as a vigilante killer, FUCK YES!) and 3:10 to Yuma all look pretty entertaining, if nothing else. Two of these movies are remakes, but at least they have interesting directors and/or actors attached to them. Time will tell.

That concludes today's lesson.-BK

And you flew your Leer jet to Nova Scotia.

It is hot, humid, and generally shit outside today. Be glad if you don't have to be outside laboring.

I've been shopping around for a Mini-DV camcorder to start taping my sets and posting video blogs on the web and whatnot. Look for that in 2008, which will coincide with my return to the Windy City. It's gonna be fucking sweet!

No decent-lookin' flicks out this weekend. Oh well.

Bought Where Eagles Dare yesterday at the Giant Eagle. It was $6.99 and features Clint Eastwood killing countless amounts of Nazis. It's quite awesome. Netflix it!

I'm getting really into Jericho on CBS. God help me.

Today, I learned all about Tears for Fears, GWAR, and Keane on Wikipedia, amoungst many other, interesting but non-musical entities.

Tap dancing on a landmine.- BK

I wanna get lost in your rock and roll.

You deserve a break from my daily bitching and raving.

Here are some totally awesome and "cultish" movies from the 1980's that I'm a fan of:



The Legend of Billie Jean- This is an awesome flick starring Helen Slater, Christian Slater, Powers Booth, and Yeardley Smith. Christian and Helen, who are not related in real life, play brother and sister. When Booth's kid and his friend beat up Christian and trash his moped, Helen goes to get payback from Booth, who attempts to molest her, so she shoots him. For the next hour, they traipse around the country, and Helen finds a love interest in the guy who played the nerd in Christine and Rodney Dangerfield's son in Back to School. Billie Jean(Helen) becomes sort of a folk hero, and the film culminates in a fantastic "fire in the Billie Jean gift shop" scene when the evil Powers Booth gets what's coming to him. As if this movie couldn't get any better, there's even a super-sweet late eighties Pat Benatar song!

Project X- This flick is about monkeys that fly flight simulators in a radioactive room. Even better, it features a young Helen Hunt, Matthew Broderick, and super awesome character actor, William Sadler(Die Hard 2, The Shawshank Redemption, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey), who plays the villain. Broderick and Hunt free the chimps, get caught, but the chimps steal a plane and fly away to the Everglades, living happily ever after. Featured "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel on the soundtrack.

Short Time- Dabney Coleman plays a cop who finds out he's got a terminal illness. He's only got two weeks to live, but, if he dies of the illness, his wife and young son get none of his benefits. So, he has to get killed on the job. He spends the movie getting into crazy chases with a suspect, trying to get killed, but miraculously surviving. It costarred Teri Garr and Matt Frewer and it's worth watching!

Uncle Buck- This is easily the most underrated John Hughes film. It stars John Candy, Macualey(sp?) Culkin, and a few other actors who went on to do great work. Basically, Uncle Buck, "UB" if you will, comes to babysit his brother's kids while his brother and his wife are attending to a sick father. John Candy and Culkin have really great chemistry on screen and the movie is full of great moral lessons taught to us through the point of view of a drinking, smoking, unemployed, lovable character brought to life through John Candy. Next to Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and Canadian Bacon this is probably my favorite performance of John Candy's. It's a shame more people haven't seen this film, as he was a talented and capable lead actor, who, because of his size and the crowd he "came up" with, got table scraps in a lot of movies. Good performances, but he should have had more leads!

Pee Wee's Big Adventure- Not a lot of people know this, but this was Tim Burton's directorial debut, and that alone makes this movie a classic! You see a lot of the Burton's unique vision without the "darkness" associated with his later work. The plot is pretty straight forward, Pee Wee Herman's beloved bike gets stolen and he travels the countryside, meeting new friends and seeing new places, in search of it. There are countless classic scenes in this movie, Netflix the shit out of it! If you still rent movies at a video store, tell 'em Large Marge sent ya!

Remember where you came from, remember what you are. -BK

2008 Swimsuit Calendar?!

I know you've all been waiting for me to weigh in on Michael Vick, so here it is!
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People try to let Mr. Vick off with the phrase "Relax, it's not like he killed someone" which is true, and even applicable to this situation.

You see, usually, when someone kills, they're motivated by passion/rage etc... It's not highly calculated, like say, purchasing property and material, keeping a payroll, and breeding animals solely for the purpose of fighting them. He thought about what he did, knew it to wrong and immoral, and then he went ahead and did it anyways. He should do time, and he shouldn't be allowed to play in the NFL ever again. I'm happy they clean kennels with his jerseys in Atlanta.

America is violent. Always has been, always will be. No surprise there. We like our Ultimate Fighting, action flicks, and salivate while watching reality television. This is human on human violence/competition, which is fine with me, as most of the time the participants are willing and eager to "get it on."

Torturing animals for "sport" and profit is not cool. It doesn't make you a badass, and it doesn't impress anyone outside of the poorly educated, backwoods/inner city communities that don't seem to be able to figure out why white, suburban, America seems to be so against/afraid of them. Well, maybe cock/dogfights have something to do with it? It's perpetuating a negative stereotype, whether you're a multi-millionaire ball player, gangsta rapper, or working man.

I guess I support animal cruelty a little bit with this, but here it goes: Take five of Mr. Vick's toughest dogs, starve them for five or six days, and then put them in a pen for twenty minutes of fun with Mike, who'll be covered in Alpo gravy.

Hell, even I'd pay to see that.

Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Today, perverts, creepy guys, and sci-fi nerds all over the world are rejoicing. Why? Well, today Hayden Panettiere turns eighteen! No longer do I have to feel like a pedophile for thinking Ms. Panettiere is the hottest thing ever to grace the earth. No longer do I have to say "yeah, but she's only like, sixteen" when talking about Heroes with coworkers. No, no more lies. I'll say it loud and proud. If Hayden developed a vision problem and/or if I lost 35 pounds and got famous.... well, you know;) (OH SNAP, CHECK THE EMOTICON!)

It's really rainy here.

I have been sick. Sick enough to actually miss a show. Oh well, six people didn't get to see me perform. It's not like I'm losing sleep, because I spent that time in the bathroom "giving back to the Allegheny county sewage system."

Another trip to Chicago in September? Checking out classes at Second City? Drinking heavily? Playing with my dog? Enjoying a shower with actual water pressure? You fuckin' know it!

Jokes at Cefalo's tomorrow night. Be there and laugh it up!

A 720 tailwhip!? Cool.

When I work overtime, it rains. It's as if God Himself is saying "You get more money, but you'll be miserable getting it! I bet you regret selling your soul to Satan for better parking!" No, not at all.

Superbad was fucking great. Memorable zingers like "My back is on my cock" abounded! See it!

Actually, I'm funnier than Dane Cook on my worst days.

Did a set for a comedian, the comedian's father, another comedian, and the club owner last night. This is about as low as I've ever been in comedy.

I long to return to Chicago. At least people will be in the audience to watch me do terrible.

Puffed cheese corn is good. I've eaten damn near an entire family-sized bag in the space of two days. It seems to go especially well with Mountain Dew. Tasty indeed.

I've been able to write a bit more lately. This is good, as I'm not so aware of my soul-crushingly depressing place in life when I'm writing. Oddly, my writing is about my soul-crushingly depressing place in life. At least it's nice to vent? I don't even know anymore.

New bid, same hours, same days off.

I have a plane in range, I'll see yinz later.-BK

Collective Soul is still relevant!

So I'm beginning to regret purchasing a TV. Reality shows are everywhere, I've already seen most of the Maury episodes, and I can't seem to stay awake long enough to watch Conan and Craig. Oh well. However, I did learn that before locks were built on the Ohio river, most of the Allegheny, Mon, and Ohio rivers were so shallow you could walk across them and not get your shirt wet. I thought this was cool.

People are putting new siding on my building. Oddly, these people are Japanese, and not in an Asian-American sort of way either. It's really more of an "Asian immigrant" sort of way. I awoke to pounding on my walls yesterday morning at 7:57 AM and lots of foreign chatter/laughter. At first, I thought this was some sort of Spanish dialect my suburban ears were unfamiliar with, but after I pissed and attempted to go back to bed(it was my day off!), I realized they were in fact speaking Japanese! Conclusion: Even Japanese guys can't seem to catch a break in the U.S. Also, Japanese guys work way slower than Mexican guys, because their foreman was yelling at them in the sort of "broken English foreigner speak" white guys adapt when talking to immigrants. It was weird. I just wish they didn't start so fucking early in the morning.

Stoked on Superbad this weekend. Judd Apatow seems to always throw down some killer one-liners and works with lesser-known, super funny actors. I'm gonna see it Sunday morning, right before church. Did I say church? I meant "drinking an entire case of beer and eating grilled cheese sandwiches."

Fell off my bike yesterday. I think I hurt the ground more than the ground hurt me as I'm not really very sore or anything.

The bike was fine.

I'll see you in the audience. -BK

They all said that I've said that your not going?

This legendary TV host and producer, real estate investor, and singer recently passed away.

Who is... Merv Griffin?

Zing!

I decided to buy the TV instead of Las Vegas. I watched PBS for a few hours last night. It was good. I learned about Pittsburgh's rivers.

Also, I bought a copy of Audition, which is a totally awesome Japanese horror movie. You should see it, it's TOTALLY fucked up. Seriously, it's disturbing on the same level as The Exorcist or maybe even Mac and Me.

Was it in a bag or anything? Where was it checked in at?

Found a totally rad, all vegan, restaurant in Chicago that's barely five miles from my house! It's called Veggie Bite, and it is pretty cool. Good food, friendly service, and a chill environment.

Telling jokes at Slapsticks! Thursday the 16th and showcasing(13-15 minutes) on Friday the 24th. Contact me for discounted ticket information.

30 hours of debauchery and fun in Las Vegas or a television for my apartment? I'm leaning towards the TV, but I haven't played blackjack in a long time either...

I know I'm not gonna go see Hot Rod. Andy Samberg makes Jimmy Fallon look talented.

Gotta go throw some bags.

Have a great day!

Damn if feels good to be a gangster.

Last night I attended and did a little guest set at the King of Comedy in Carnegie finals. The following is my report...

Jerry Wilson won. Jerry is a hell of a comic, and brings it 100% every time he performs. Pittsburgh isn't a racist as I thought, because the almost entirely white and over forty crowd voted Jerry the best, which he was yesterday. It was good to see him get the credit he deserved.

Dan Cordle took second. Dan started doing comedy in April, and I've watched him progress on a weekly basis since then. He's a great writer, likable in an All-American sort of way, and works entirely CLEAN! I've never heard him utter a curse word on stage, and he still manages to include material on prostate exams and Taco Bell! He did the strongest set I've ever seen him do last night and he'll only be getting better.

The other comics, Tim Dimond, Bob Poland, and Joe Kwaczala(sp?) all had strong sets and were funny. Jack McNulty, a new comic with virtually no original material, bombed, and I was stoked, as he shouldn't have been allowed to make it into the finals on stolen material, no matter how much charisma or customers he brings into the venue.

The house was standing room only last night. Probably 175 people. Easily the largest group I've performed in front of, or seen outside of the Improv, in Pittsburgh.

Oddly, the contest was judged by some guy who "teaches comedy" at the local community college. He berated the comics "American Idol" style after their sets, and offered little constructive criticism and shouldn't have been allowed to speak. He was influencing audience votes. Plus, this guy's hair was ridiculous!

I went up immediately after the contest ended. Their was no break for the crowd to use the washroom or do their voting, so they did it during my set. The emcee's intro sucked, and I'd lost the majority of the crowd before I stepped onstage. So I did a show for the first three rows and focused on making them laugh, which they did. I was a little drunk, angry, and just threw away my time in front of all those people, which greatly upsets me.

Afterwords, the "judge" came up to me and offered me "advice." As politely as I could, I told him I wasn't accepting his criticism and walked away. Here's why: I've been doing comedy in Pittsburgh for eight months, at least two nights a week, and I'd never even HEARD of the guy before last night! So how does someone who is not immersed in the local scene, familiar with my work, or even a "working" comic have the right to give me any advice? I should have punched this guy. I'm still mad about the situation, and mad at myself, but hey, what can you do?

I cannot wait to get back to Chicago, a city that will allow me to really further my comic abilities, instead of comedy purgatory, Pittsburgh. Nothing against the very many talented Pittsburgh comics, but this city is just dead for comedy.

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The term "Va Jay-Jay" is getting pretty fucking tired. It's not cutesy. Stop using it and go back to "cooch" America!

I'm eating an Amy's Organic Tofu Scrambler wrap thing, and it's good.

Thanks. -BK

We go back.

Back in good ol', hot and smoggy as hell Pittsburgh. I forgot to take out my garbage before I left, so I'm not stoked on how my apartment will smell in three hours when I get off work. Great.

Gonna hit some overtime this week.

Need to go food shopping today.

Comedy is coming along.

That's about it.

May the Force be with you - BK

Gutsiest move I ever saw man.

You know what makes Top Gun even more awesome? Watching it whilst piss drunk! Goddamn, this movie is great!

Good friends Rich, David Tyler, The Girl, and new friend, Alli, came to hang out tonight at le chateau Ben, but it rained, and Rich's copy of 3oo sucked dick, so we went inside and watched the previously mentioned movie. Right now, I'm totally drunk, and waiting for Rich to return, but seriously, Top Gun fucking RULES!

Also, I've run around the house like four times today, bare chested, chasing my dog, which would be almost normal, except for the fact that he's in Wisconsin, chilling with my parents. I guess I'm kinda gay in that regard.

This... is... SPARTA!

I feel the need. The need, for SPEED!

Don't let the sun catch you cryin' - BK

Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?

What do I love most about Wisconsin?

I'm so glad you asked, inner dialogue! Well, I guess it's the fact that they play Limp Bizkit on the radio without out making fun or being ironic or anything!

What do I hate most about myself?

I guess it's the fact that I still rock the fuck out to "My Way" as hard as I did when I was 16. Fortunately, my career seems to be going better than Fred Durst's. Respect.


Boating was fun.

Saw the new Bourne movie. It was mad cool, as the urban and suburban, urban-wannabe kids tend to say.

It sure is humid here!

I'll see ya later, if you pick up what I'm puttin' down.

Dude, Daughtry doesn't rock!

Why pay 20 bucks to ride in a cab for two miles when you could just walk?

Not too much else to report.

Gonna eat some local Chicago pizza tonight. I am excited beyond words about this! Chicago pizza is the shit!

Dream Theater is a great band. Pick up some of their stuff. Do it now.

I get to drive my father's car to Wisconsin, alone. I'll be redlining the fuck out of it, because I don't own it. Plus, it has XM radio, which is always nice.

See you in about a week, or maybe sooner.