Made with real cheese.

Dancing was alright yesterday, although my left knee seems to be protesting all the increased physical activity. I have been biking, working my ass off, and dancing quite a bit lately. As more lard departs my midsection, perhaps my knee will complain less. I danced for barely an hour, but the mix was good, so I was content with doing what I felt safe and comfortable doing.

While chilling at my usual table, I noticed The Exorcist was playing on the TVs. Even if forced to read subtitles, it is still a benchmark film. Not a benchmark horror film. A benchmark film, period. If you haven't seen it in it's full, uncut, unedited glory, you really, really need to. It is so disturbing.

Same very tame dialogue from the only movie I've ever heard the word "cunting" in:

Pazuzu: I'm not Regan.
Father Damien Karras: Well, then let's introduce ourselves. I'm Damien Karras.
Pazuzu: And I'm the Devil. Now kindly undo these straps.
Father Damien Karras: If you're the Devil, why not make the straps disappear?
Pazuzu: That's much too vulgar a display of power, Karras.

Today I found out I could have had the day off, which would have made it possible for me to have been in California this weekend for my cousin's wedding. I was not pleased.

Comedy show Friday at Villa Reale in dilapidated, dirty, and economically depressed downtown Pittsburgh! 7pm. Buy me a slice o' cheese, and maybe some garlic bread. By now you must surely know I drink Mountain Dew.

The Cup is not leaving Detroit. Evidently their Italian sausage is better than our Italian sausage or something. I really have no idea how it works. I did almost hit about 20 drunk, obese, and identically dressed hockey fans on my way into the city last night, so perhaps Pittsburghers are just collectively dumber than our Michigan rivals?

I've been thinking of taking aerobics...


He had a very "dead cat" kind of vibe to him.-BK

Roll with it baby.

Today was a lazy Saturday, which is no different than most Saturdays for me, but today was especially lazy.

I didn't bother to put on pants until I ventured out to Target around 7:00pm. Even then, I rocked my Vans sans socks, and didn't bother to change the t-shirt I'd been wearing for three days. I would have felt right at home at Wal-Mart. Perhaps even a West Virginia Wal-Mart. Fucking class.

I spent about an hour in Target, damn near a record for me. I am getting older, becoming my mother, in fact, as I walked up and down every aisle in the store, comparing prices on pain relievers, body wash, and detergent. In a moment of self-realization, sheer terror, and barely held control of my shit, I found myself staring at a nose hair trimmer for a while, because, at the mere age of twenty-four, I find myself trimming nose hair once a week or so. Tragic.

Things in the cart included white bread, MorningStar asian patties and burgers, a t-shirt, French's mustard, Heinz Ketchup, some totally badass Uniball pens (only used for writing material and the screenplay), and a bag of Gala apples.

Items not in the cart included ice cube trays, as Target does not sell them. I still do not have ice-making ability here, but I seem to be doing alright without it. Also, the nose hair clippers stayed on the shelf. I am not yet ready to concede defeat to my genes.

Dane is getting better, becoming less of a burden on my day. Sweet.

I cannot wait to go dancing tonight. I am going to Ceremony this week, and I look fly.

So apparently, a lot of people read this. You are all, always, welcome to comment, whether you agree or disagree with me. All I ask is that you do so in a respectful manner.

Focused on the funny for the summer. Good things will be happening. Maybe not in Pittsburgh unfortunately, but somewhere, for some comedian, something good will happen.

There is some sort of hockey game going on tonight. Meh. Uh, GO PENS!?

I need to get new spectacles.

I am keeping my eye out for a pair of really badass pants. The color will be black, but the material is to be decided upon location of said pants.

I have been listening to this album, and this song in particular, a lot lately. It makes me want to unbutton my shirt more and do cocaine while receiving a blowjob, but have you seen the coke prices lately? Incredible guitar playing. Rock and roll with out the smart-ass, ironic smiles. Ladies and gents, The Darkness!


Well, somebody's gonna have to call this in.-BK

I will taste you.

This one is pretty simple, pretty straightforward. I would like to have sexual intercourse(and do kinky, dirty things) with all of these women. I am generally attracted to older, self-confident women, and these women are exceptions to many of society's rules, which makes them even more alluring. (THIS WILL BE CREEPY! THINK OF IT AS MY PENIS DOING A GUEST BLOG!)

Melissa Auf der Maur
(Former Hole and Smashing Pumpkins, terribly underrated solo artist)
Tall, slender, red-headed bass player. Very beautiful in a very restrained, confident way.


Dita Von Teese
This pic is about the safest, most Myspace and parent friendly pic I could find. If forced to sum up her breasts in one word, I'd say "astounding." It would come out sounding more like "grarpgarpgaghar" though. She is stunning, and dresses in a manner I find highly erotic, yet classy and demure. Very elegant. I would love to just stare at her from across the room.


Shirley Manson
As stated before, Shirley Manson is the most beautiful woman alive!


Tori Amos
She is the definition of the word/term "cherry."


Of course, there is a myriad of unattainable women out there to tempt me, but the above find themselves front and center as a way for me to whittle away the hours.
------

Show went well earlier. I am pleased.

Thanks to my friends for coming out. You guys are the best, and your support is greatly appreciated!

Big thanks to Steve Swanson for having me out and snapping a few pics. Check out Steve's "Trailer Park Trivia" on Thursdays at the Double Wide, in the heart of Pittsburgh's Southside.

I took the extra-mega long way home via bicycle tonight. It was a good thing to ride no-handed for six blocks again. Skills are returning to me by the mile it seems.

1997 Sarah McLachlan almost made the list.-BK

Right here, right now.

The news folks have informed the world of one of the last tribes of human beings who are... not informed of the "world."

What does this mean? Well, for example, they've...

...never seen Britney Spears' vagina. Not even once.

...really "lived of the land."

...never been to McDonald's, Burger King, or Whole Foods.

...been living without Christ in their hearts, and seem to be getting along alright.

...got it made.

What would I give for such bliss? A lot. A fucking lot.

----

The new Indiana Jones flick is pretty entertaining. Cate Blanchett and John Hurt are underused, and Shia Lebouf continues to cement his reputation. The dude will be a MEGA star in the very near future. Harrison Ford phoned in his performance.

Neil Flynn, "Janitor" on Scrubs, has a great little role. Watch for it.

They took quite a few story premises from previous films. Tragically, these films included Stargate and Alien vs. Predator. Still, though, it's a good time, and worth seeing, just turn off the thinking part of your brain. You're American, it isn't too hard.

We think.-BK

I see you're gangster...

'Tis a beautiful day today. The sun is just right, and there is a slight breeze. The sky has a liberal coating of clouds. Indeed, it's a good day. There are only three, maybe four, hundred places I'd rather be than at work right now.

This was sent to me via Myspace bulletin, and I spat my gullet load of french fries out when I came across this. I have been mentally beating them up with an aluminum baseball bat for about two hours now.

I wanna leave work early today, and lay in a park somewhere listening to Creed. That's right, I said Creed.

Pumped that I am so stoked about the show tomorrow.

Rearranging the crib. Moving the desk to the kitchen, and the kitchen table to the basement.

I need some shit for my walls. Something tasteful. Porn is tasteful if it's in black and white, correct?

I buy "Tony's" brand pizza, because they are slightly smaller than normal frozen pizza, and I feel like less of a gelatinous turd upon eating an entire pizza by myself.

This will never get old.


It's my Friday, and I don't aim to waste it.-BK

A pill to make you numb.

I spent a bit of time tonight rediscovering KT Tunstall's great album, Eye to the Telescope while I did dishes(covered in dried blood as well as food) and cleaned out old green bell pepper and salad from my refrigerator. This is a great album to just "chillax" and listen to. Good times. Plus, I have a thing for women with Scottish accents. KT is no Shirley Manson, but still...



This is pretty cool right here. I really like it.


Dangerous carbon emissions are emitting from my dryer as we speak. I'm attacking that fucking pipe with duct tape come sunrise.

Hey, do you live in Pittsburgh? Looking for something to do Friday? Well, perhaps you'd be interested in coming out to Remedy, and watching comics tell humorous stories, witty anecdotes, and hilarious jokes? If so, show up around 9:30pm, and tell them "Ben Kenny is the comedic equivalent of Jesus Christ" at the door. You won't get a discount, but you'll certainly make my night! It's only five bucks, but if it's free if you're a lady. Don't worry, you don't actually have to be a "lady." After all, this is Pittsburgh! Merely being female is sufficient enough for gratis admission.

I am journeying to a new 80's night tomorrow. It's closer to my house. Still the same DJ, but a potentially better dance floor. We'll see if it's worth the cover or not...

Why yes, I am a member of the pen15 club.

I have secured 5 consecutive days off in June. Plans so far? Fetish party for sure. Dancing for sure. Mini bike tour? Maybe.

Dane is slow to heal.

Ear protection is trivial when pizza consumption is imminent.-BK

Too much salt.

Sydney Pollack died.

This is kind of a bummer, as he is arguably the first great director of the modern era of film to pass on. Besides directing, he produced and acted as well. What Coppola is to Mafioso films, Pollack is to the love story. He made some really great flicks. Recently, he did this little ad spot that popped up before the movie started. This is hilarious!



I did not watch one episode of American Idol this season, yet I know who the winner and runner up are, because this is something that is now reported on the front page of cnn.com. I wonder how many people died of dysentery in Myanmar in the time it took me to learn about some kid's overzealous father?

I couldn't sleep last night, so I went for a bike ride at four o'clock in the morning. Dane was less than pleased, and showed his displeasure by bleeding a little. I saw three raccoons, a possum, two people walking dogs, and a drunk guy who always seems to be about, regardless of the hour.

I guess I'm getting skinnier.

My ass needs to see that new movie with Harrison Ford I've been hearing things about.

I'd go a round with Tyson for $422.08. More, if you want to watch it, and way, way more if you wish to film it.

Oh, there's the bass I've been lookin' for!-BK

I like Coldplay. What of it?

This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen. I laughed so hard I cried. I must obtain a copy of this movie. Like, fucking immediately!



Dancing was "off" last night.

It was a weird room, mostly due to the holiday weekend. The floor was douchebag heavy, i.e. people holding conversations, popped collars on pastel polo shirts, and Chicago Cubs jerseys. If I wanted that shit, I would hang out at the "big" clubs, that play the worst music, and make the worst drinks(still sober). I was seriously considering leaving, but I knew the one o'clock hour would clear most of them out, and it did, and I got down. Mission accomplished.

I hate people who dance with drinks and/or cigarettes in their hands. That ain't dancing, because you aren't letting your arms move with the music!! As the veritable God of all things white, young, and suburban, Eminem, has said, "You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go."

I'm not sure what all that just meant, but punch me the next time you see me. I suck for being inspired by his lyrics.

Apparently, the sporting team from Detroit is slightly better than the sporting team from Pittsburgh, although both teams are among the best of their class, for this year at least. I still trying to figure out where Heinz Ward fits in, but I'm getting there. Cooked meat and draft beer prevail, and I make myself scarce.

I think, on a whole, Detroit also is superior to Pittsburgh in overall depression, but only because Windsor is so close, and nobody bothers to move!



This is Dane. I decided to name him after Dane Cook. Both cause me serious pain, and force me to stop what I'm doing and cringe when they make their presence known. One will be totally gone in two or three weeks. One will not. I would gladly live with this cut if I could choose which one could disappear...



This is Dane today. He still hurts like a bitch. Even though I had him bandaged up at work, putting and taking off my gloves was still agony. So bad, in fact, that I had to do it with no one around, so they wouldn't here me whimper like a little girl.

I have a show Friday night, and I am ready to ROCK AND ROLL!!!

You best get a fucking cheese pizza!-BK

Cash and carry.

I did venture out last night. I went dancing, and I had fun. I sweated a lot, as is customary when one is overweight and involved in athletic activities.

It's dishwashing day. (That's right. I only wash dishes once a week. Take it.) While attempting to remove some petrified spaghetti sauce using super-baggage handler strength, I managed to crack a plate in half, cutting the shit out of my thumb in the process.

It was/is a motherfucker of a cut. One of those cuts you have to watch for a few hours, debating if it needs to be sutured or glued shut. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be okay with cotton ball/electrical tape dressing, as my cholesterol is obviously high enough to prevent any life-threatening blood loss. As I type this now, it still hurts. It is throbbing! Grr..

At what point did Alec Baldwin go from handsome leading man to fat guy supporting actor? How did the world seem to miss this transition? Somebody out there, please, pinpoint exactly when this happened!

Malice(Watch his eyes. PERFECT acting.)


Glengarry Glen Ross(The accent. The pacing. PERFECT.)


30 Rock(The best show on TV.)


Fuck it.-BK

The Light and the Glass.

As far as I'm concerned, the State of Pennsylvania can blow me, and then go fuck themselves.

140 dollar speeding ticket.
200 bucks for not having inspection.

Almost a quarter of the above costs are due to "E.M.S." fees and other bullshit.

I guess rent's gonna be a little late.

Oh yeah, somebody took off my mirror the other day, so there's more money I don't have to spend being spent.

I hate working when I'm supposed to be off. It throws my chi off. Especially on a formerly three day weekend.

The highlight of the weekend so far??? Probably hanging out with somebody cool last night, watching a heavily edited film on cable.

I wrote a killer Huey Lewis and News joke. I am tearing down comedy walls, motherfuckers!

I think I'm staying in tonight. I don't want to continue my streak of great luck.

Don't even bother.-BK