Make it or die.

300 dollar speeding ticket the other day. Constuction zone. 25 over. 4:15 AM. Fuck you Officer. Guess who needs to get more money from his parents so he can afford his house? (Me. It's me.)

Check me out Friday night somewhere's in Ambridge with Billy Elmer and his gang of motley comedy friends. I'm going to tell jokes about the disabled, but I'll wink right afterwards so that everyone will feel justified for laughing, but still be all awkward when that intellectually disabled guy aggressively buses your table at Wendy's. I am a genius.

Spent a considerable amount of time looking into getting my boobies removed last night. I saw a surgeon about it when I was 22, and she advised me to wait until I was 25. Well, I'm 25, and about 35 pounds lighter than I was when I was 22, and they haven't gone anywhere. They even seem bigger, because I have so much less weight around my midsection. Bench presses don't make them go away either. So next winter, I'm going to take on significant debt to have flesh cut, burned, and sucked from my body. Medical Leave of Absence here I come! More expensive than killing myself, but I'm slowly coming around to daily existence on this planet, and want to stay a bit longer. Maybe have sex with the lights on AND my shirt off too. Maybe even with another person in the room. Maybe.

Listened to Ozzy while looking at before and after pictures. Not Sabbath. Ozzy. He should've died around 1995 or so. That way, he wouldn't of had to be remembered as a total fucking joke.

Tonight and Saturday you should head to the Moose and check out some comedian chick. It's ten bucks, and the drinks are cheaper than anywhere else on the South Side, although it being the Moose, you may get herpes from any or all of the people in attendance. Don't go Friday though. You've gotta drive out to Ambridge and see me bring the funny with Elmer and friends!

(Hey comics, notice how I promoted shows I'm not on? Imagine the promotion Ben Kenny can bring to you if YOU FUCKING BOOK HIM! I know you're scared everyone will notice how much funnier than you I am, but fucking deal with it. Just joking. Or am I???)

When I am forty, I am going to be the most jaded comic of all time. I'm basically going to be a droopy shouldered fatter/drunker version of myself, but without the fire of my fleeting youth, and hopefully, if things go according to plan, the tits too.

And now, ways I respond in my head to typical comments about my comedy endeavors:

"You do comedy!? Man, I couldn't do that." - - - No shit. Half the comedians in this room can't do it either.

"You do comedy!? Where at?" - - - Where do you think you stupid fuck!?

"You do comedy!? How long have you been doing it?" - - - Long enough to have seriously considered quitting. Several times.

"You do comedy!? Say something funny./Tell me a joke!" - - - It's five dollars upfront. You wouldn't fix my garage door or lance this boil for free, would you? Same concept applies.

"You do comedy!? Who's your favorite comedian? I think Paul Rudd is hilarious!" - - - You're not smart enough to warrant exposure to my favorite comedians. It would be a disservice to them.

"Man, you're really funny." - - - Please hit me in a crosswalk while drunkenly piloting your Trailblazer, douchebag.

That last comment just irks the everlovin' shit out of me. It's so generic that it isn't worth saying. If you're going to complement and/or critique a performer, any kind of performer, you need to be more specific. It let's us know what to keep, why to keep it, and how to make it better.

Super pissed I didn't do my new abortion stuff last night. It's cool though, as abortions never really go out of comedic vogue.

This is a long post.

Let's keep the Coldplay streak alive. This is one of the better songs off of their second to last album.

I have an abnormally large zit on the back of my neck. I think it may actually be a bite of some sort. The worst thing about it is that I can't watch pus fly out when I'm poking it. Major bummer.

Still one of the loudest bands I've ever seen. Perfect sound clarity though. Tool is a band you can't listen to 24/7. If you did, you risk losing the impact their music has. I'll catch flack for this, but they're better than Rush. If only slightly. Love how MJK performs from the back, strengthening the fact that the band is a unit.


I'm not going to get into this with you. You see, I'm smarter, more articulate, better educated. Most importantly, I'm right!-BK