Eli Roth vs. Steven Spielberg: Who's the better Jew?

Is it just me, or are wrestling storylines getting a little extreme these days??

Traveling to Chicago/Wisco this week, don't look for an update for a while. Will be too drunk/busy.

Finally put air in my tires!

Boogie.

Imagine if you went to Romania. You'd probably be afraid of being robbed/raped/kidnapped or even missing your train! Instead, you get eaten by a fucking bear. This recently happened to an American tourist, proving once again, don't fuck with bears! That's so awesomely ironic/tragic, I don't even know what else to say.

I'm dirrrty like Xtina today. Gotta get my shower on.

Maybe Whole Foods tonight whilst journeying to comedy venue?? FUCK YES!

Once again, the American countryside is burning. For me, it really isn't summer until it's fire season.

Axl Rose is my mentor, and my co-pilot.

Until then, Ben Kenny

Nancy Wilson was the skinny one, right?

Camping was fun.

Rocking the mic on Monday night at PD's and possibly even at Earthstone, if I feel like "starting the hustle" after I get off work. Come out, drink, and laugh. What the fuck, it's Monday!

Wednesday night is the Cefalo's contest. Get out there and support me in that. I could use a hundred bucks for advancing through nine rounds, and this is only round two!

Also, I'll be in WisCo all fuckin' week starting Thursday, so rob my apartment if you so desire.

-----

Saw Evan Almighty yesterday. All I could think was: "They spent 175 million dollars on this?!" Overall, it was a decent family movie, with a nice script, and utterly predictable plot twists.

Veggie sandwich wants back out. I should probably take care of that. See you when I see you.

Fast Times at The Big Lebowski

Going camping for a few days. Will hollaback at the appropriate time. Later!

Flag day.

Last night went pretty well. I got huge laughs, and tested out a bit of new material, which was so-so in it's funniness.

Only got like three hours of sleep, even though I left the venue before the show ended. Drinking two Red Bulls for fun on the way home will do that to a soul.

My knee pads are skinning the back of my knees/calves. Not only is this painful, it's also rather annoying and certainly unsanitary. Vaseline on my legs everyday, you say? Perhaps.

Well buckaroos and cowpokes, looks like it's time for me to hit the trail!

Well, it's eight o'clock in Boise Idaho.

I was thinking. I came to a conclusion. Here it is: The best thing about seeing the Thunderbirds at the air show yesterday? Probably the fact that those six aircraft weren't being used to bomb brown, non-Christian, innocent people in some second-world desert. Just a thought.

The sun is super hot today.

Laundry day and comedy night.

I'll be running my air conditioning as well. I'll probably even leave the lights on in a room I'm not in, you know, just to be an asshole.

I've been in a "Swedish Fish" period as of late. Swedish Fish are really delicious, and vegetarian friendly! Eat some today!!

Got up early for a little mornin' overtime, saw some wild turkeys, thought about drinking.

Outta here!

Fred Thompson, President.

So a dragster crashed into a crowd of people in Tennessee and killed seven. Mind you, this wasn't at a drag strip or a car show. It was at a parade. The dragster wasn't a Camaro with a 440 or a Mustang with a blower, it was an actual, big fucking tire, fiberglass body, top-fuel dragster. The driver decided it'd be fuckin' sweet to do burnouts in the middle of the parade. I wasn't surprised in the least.

Broken back or sore shoulder? I don't even know.

I got to watch the Air Force Thunderbird flight team this afternoon. Seeing them at an airshow is one thing, but watching them from 300 yards away at the airport is pretty rad. I don't think they're quite as good as the Blue Angels, they don't fly as tight or as fast, but they're still pretty damn impressive!

The sweat is burning my eyes!

The sun is burning my eyes!

The fat flight attendant is burning my eyes!

C-ya!

John Mayer is whitebread.

Don't forget! I'll be at Shadow Lounge Monday night for ten-twelve minutes of hilarity!

That is all!

Har Har Har

Stoked on my set last night. Got some good laughs, and my new material seemed to be very well received.

I have been thinking that I need to start some sort of weight/toning training. Gotta get ripped for summer drunken shirt ripping off season.

Will be at The Big Red Comedy show in Bellevue next week.

My toe hurts.

Well, I guess my time's almost up.

Out of my peaceful cab!

Fucking little kids in the fucking library. I don't know exactly what year the rules changed, but when I was a little kid(not so very long ago) when you went to the library, you were QUIET and RESPECTFUL. If not, you were disciplined by the powers that be. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case here in the suburbs of the 'burgh. BECAUSE SOCCER MOMS ARE TOO BUSY FUCKING AROUND WITH THEIR TRIOS! When I'm doing important stuff like browsing craigslist, checking my Myspace, or seeing what time Hostel: Part II is playing, I need quiet time! Fucking little kids in the fucking library.

In other, slightly less ranty news, I advanced in the comedy contest at Cefalo's. Does this mean I was the funniest dude in the room? Lord no! I simply didn't suck quite as much as the other comics. But seriously, I'll take a victory any way I can get one.

I miss Noodles and Company.

Gots ta wash the Warrior today. I think I've washed my car twice since I've lived in Pittsburgh.

Look for me at the Shadow Lounge Monday night, lurking at Cefalo's Wednesday(not doing time), and maybe chilling somewheres else next week. I'll let y'all know.

I guess now you know... AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!

Folks like Dennis Hopper and Bob Seger.

Do not forget! Tomorrow night I'm telling jokes in the contest at Cefalo's. Be in attendance.

Didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Ten hours seems so short.

Might be in Chicago for a few days come late June/early July. Hit me up and we'll drink until we find ourselves in a Judd Apatow film.

Saw my first prostitute here in Pittsburgh last night. I was stoked, because she apparently thought my Kia symbolized wealth and loose morals. It symbolizes neither. I wasn't able to find a car that screamed "loose morals" so I bought the Kia...

Later today I'm gonna clean some old food out of my fridge. Stinky, mundane, daily tasks fill the dead space of my blog.

John Daly is the greatest golfer.

Even later today, I'm gonna do more laundry and fall asleep.

Bye now.

lasagne

Nothing of major social or political import going on today.

Gonna tell some jokes and drink a few beers tonight.

Might go shopping for food after that, but when I shop drunk, I usually buy way too many things I don't need, or just a green pepper and a bag of cheddar cheese popcorn.

That concludes today's post.

Sapporo

Been up to nothing today.

Wrote a little something in the key of funny, hopefully. Might try it out a little this week.

Reading about Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce was cool. Read about Lenny Bruce, and then use profanity/obscenity in public, in his honor.

Laundry, further reading, and watching a DVD tonight.

I think I have an allergy of some sort. I get "sneezy" a few times a day. If I had money, I'd see a doctor about it.

Counting Crows are alright. Do you think the spider on Adam Duritz's head controls his thoughts?

Gala apples are delicious! I ate two today.

Boca chicken sandwich patties are shit compared to the almighty MorningStar chicken patties in both size and texture. Taste isn't quite as good, but the gap is close enough, I suppose.

Haven't shaved my head in two days. Need to shave my head. It's all fuzzy, which makes it catch fibers from my shirt when I put it on. Having a large amount of gray shirts, this makes me look like I have dandruff. This is why I need to consistently shave my head.

Doug Stanhope is very funny. Have a good day/evening!

Rush is better than Hinder.

Looks like Ms. Hilton is back in jail again. Seems the Sheriff got a little too big for his britches and didn't check with the Judge first. Meanwhile, dozens of people died in Iraq and Darfur, the American middle class eroded further, and I perspired my ass off today at work.

I saw Colin Quinn at the Pittsburgh Improv Thursday night. He was funny enough, I guess, but he's certainly funnier in front of a camera doing the news or moderating a group of comedians.

Touch a bag, read the tag.

Look for me telling bad jokes and low-quality anecdotes on Monday, maybe Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and possibly even Friday nights this week.

Probably not gonna adopt that dog after all. No money, and no time to spend with the dog. Oh well, I guess I'll have to milk material from some other facet of my daily adventures.

Gotta go. BK

I am like honey... Sticky and attractive to bees.

Ms. Paris Hilton got out of jail today. Nothing like a harsh, two-day sentence to make her realize the dangers of driving while intoxicated... Such is life. At least the LA Sheriff's department is saving money. They no longer need to pay officers overtime to control the media/paparazzi outside of the jail!

Orated comically at Affogato Coffee last night. The seven comedians there seemed to like my shit. The two customers, not so much.

Maybe adopting a dog, but, like, for reals this time! Super Excited!

It was really hot at work today. FYI, working outside during the summer sucks, but working outside on acres of solid concrete sucks even more, as concrete doesn't really absorb heat, it merely conveys it back towards my hairless, pale, and mysteriously well-muscled lower legs.

I'll probably finish reading American Psycho tonight. Bret Easton Ellis is a very disturbed person/persona, but a great author. By the way, did I mention I started reading American Psycho?

It has come to my attention that GWAR is coming to the area. Never been to a GWAR show? Well, it's like a Gallagher/Shamu show, but from hell and awesome!

Tonight, I'm gonna CLEAN!

Right now, I'm gonna tell yinz to have a great day!

I wanna swim away, but don't know how!

I'll be competing in the "Comedy King of Carnegie" contest on June 13th at 8:30 pm at Cefalo's in, oddly enough, Carnegie. This gives all of my out of state readers (all six of you!) time to start walking/hitching. I want to see you all at the show laughing when I stop talking, almost as if I've said something mildly humorous, or even outright funny. Check out www.clubcefalo.com for more info. Remember, support live comedy above everything else!

Spewing hilarity at The Big Red Comedy Show tomorrow at Afrogato Coffee in Bellevue. Be there for that as well!

Slapsticks! Friday night!

I should also have a viable press kit available by the end of August!
(Big time! I'm on my way, I'm making it! Big time! ....so much larger than life!)

Vegetarian Riblets from Gardenburger are where it's at! Unfortunately, they're a little pricey, but every once in a while, I figure, "Meh, what the hell!"

Watched people tell jokes last night, and realized I really don't have much to compare myself to stylistically here in the 'burgh. So essentially, even when I bomb, I'm still pretty original and innovative??

I want to go camping.

Still learning HTML.

More eventually. Later.

Course Status: MASTERED

The other day, one of my company's aircraft had to make an emergency landing in regards to trouble with the nose gear. Upon arrival, said nose gear collapsed, causing said aircraft to skid across the runway. Thankfully, no one was even injured. Oddly, this incident got no attention in the national news whatsoever. That's weird, as the visual of a plane with no front landing gear usually warrants at least a 15 second blurb on most national news broadcasts. Oh well, I guess it's a busy news week.

Really tired. Really smelly. Really sweaty.

My shoulder is acting up on me again. I may need to ice it down later. Chilly whilst eating chili? Perhaps.

Gonna try for lots of overtime this week.

Look for me Friday night at Slapsticks! If you're in PGH, I have two for one tickets, let me know if you want to come out and laugh it up!

I'm outta here!

Achilles Heal?

I left a Tupperware container full of refried beans in my car all day yesterday. It smelled fucking HORRIBLE, and I was barely able to drive the car home. At least I was able to clean the container, it's not like somebody put a dead fish in my Kia.

I think my new drink might be J&B on the rocks with a dash of water. I'll be researching this tonight, in fact.

No comedy tomorrow. Working instead. It's a more productive way to spend time, but surely not as rewarding.

I'm putting out feelers in regards to opening up a "room" sometime around August. When and if it happens, you'll know.

Gotta get rolling on some business cards. Nothing says semi-professional shitty comedian like the cheapest available font, ink, and card stock.

Kind of excited about the new White Stripes disc. The guitar riff in the first single off the album is killer. It's nice to see the White Stripes making another album, even if they're responsible for the current influx of shitty "indie" rock on the radio waves. Plain White T's, I'm talking to you!

Well, that's about all I have right now. Enjoy Sunday!

I totally space docked with that chick!

I feel a little off today. Could it be the entire Giant Eagle Cheese Pizza I ate and 40 oz. of beer I drank? Naw.

Writing some really cutting-edge stuff. You know, Michael Knight versus the Duke Boys kind of material. Look for it on Comedy Central.

Kind of excited about the Transformers movie, even though I know in my heart it's wrong.

New schedule tomorrow at work. What does this mean? Well, I can stay out past 10pm again! Which, in my case, really means I can read books until midnight, because if I'm not performing somewhere, why would I be out of my apartment?

Today, I'm going to ride my bike.

Bought more freeze pops.

John Cusack is doing a movie about a haunted hotel room. It's based on a story by Stephen King. Should be interesting. Not all of his adaptations have been good, so we'll have to see what happens. John Cusack is the shit, BTW. Anybody remember his rousing performance in America's Sweethearts? Classic cinema for sure.

I've decided there is really no reason for me to vote for the next president, because it really doesn't matter. He/She(ha ha, like Hillary has a chance!) doesn't really care for my demographic's needs anyway.

I'll see yinz later.

I always feel like somebody's watching me...

What would happen if you were a minority, social or ethical, and brought an extremely aggressive form of TB into the US? They'd throw the fucking book at you, that's what.

Say you're a young, educated, white attorney with a firm grasp of what your actions could potentially mean... so you deliberately travel to Canada, because you know they're not letting your plane land in the US... enter the country under false information... potentially starting(or continuing) a small biological epidemic.... and they slap you on the fucking wrist!

Comedy was mundane last night. Where were you guys? Oh well, I'm sure you had more fun doing whatever it was you guys were doing.

Didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. Like, maybe an hour of sleep. I'm not somebody who can get only an hour of sleep every once in a while and just go about their day. I'm more tired and more surly than usual. Argh.

Nothing further.

Well, maybe just this. Billy Idol is cool.