I don't think you see my point.

Why donate blood when you can sell your plasma?

I am very poor. Moving across this mediocre land of ours on 10 dollars an hour with a brand new car can do that to a soul. My own fault entirely, so I'll stop complaining.

Went to see Bug yesterday. It's a pretty interesting flick, and it's cool to see movies with small casts, few settings, etc... You don't seem to see that much these days. It was also very nice to see Ashley Judd break out of her crappy cookie cutter roles and stretch her sea legs a little.

Extremely Drug Resistant (XDR) TB in the ATL. I finished The Stand today. OMFG!

Not too much else. Going to attempt to make marinara sauce from scratch-ish tonight. Yesterday, I was struck with an idea that I don't really understand why I never had before. Chili and macaroni and cheese. It is hard to explain the deliciousness of it in the written word!

Telling jokes tomorrow night at Slapsticks! Now that American Idol is over, maybe y'all motherfuckin' asses can hop on a plane, fly to Pittsburgh, and see me do seven minutes of comedy. I'll be funny for three of them. Maybe. My fucking God, those last few sentences were such a shitty comic cliche!

Kids are even more louder and annoying when confined in the space of your local public library. Fucking kids. I'm almost happy I never get laid, as the thought of a kid of my own induces vomiting and further thoughts of suicide.

Don't stop thinking' about tomorrow!

A gym teacher, huh?

I was thinking how cool it would be to walk around with a samurai sword all day long. You know, just walk into a movie. "Sir! Sir, you haven't paid yet!" (our hero casts his eyes towards the sword at his side, the villain backs away) "Sorry Sir!"

Performed at an interesting venue called Shadow Lounge last night. For what might have been the second or third time in my comic career in Pittsburgh, their appeared to be more customers than comics. I went on first, and weaved my usual web of intricate, in-depth, unfunny comedy magic. The host, who I'd seen once or twice around town, headlined, and I must say he's a pretty talented improviser. Everyone can improvise, but to be able to make me forget that you're improvising, well... that's pretty fucking good!

Later today I'm going to acquire some food at Giant Eagle. I already scored some dollar store shells and cheese, cookies, and popcorn.

I need to buy a dish to bake casserole in, as I jettisoned most of my kitchen when I left Golden. Veggie lasagna with soy sausage you say? I say fuck yes! Fuck yes indeed!

Woke up to a bloody nose today. Upon initial eye-opening, I thought I'd simply swallowed some sleep slobber or something, but it tasted too syrup-esque for that, so I sat up, and unintentionally covered my chest and pelvis with a torrent of blood. It was a great way to start my day off.

I didn't get overtime tomorrow, and I am pissed.

Been writing a lot of interesting stuff pertaining to Christianity. Molding it into a cohesive, solid, and funny set of stand-up will be a challenge.

Still don't have a TV in my apartment, and still don't feel the need for one.

Thanks a lot, I'm Ben Kenny.

YKK on your zippa!

Did you ever think that maybe Lindsay Lohan is some sort of angel sent down from heaven, meant to show us mere mortals how not to live our lives?

Me neither.

Like most men and nearly 10% of women, I have a "thing" for Miss Lohan. So like her because she's "hot," some because she's a type of American sweetheart, and some poor, tasteless, souls think she can act. I like her because she looks strikingly similar to Ann Margaret, who was one of the first actresses I ever considered to be "pretty." Thanks for letting me watch Viva Las Vegas with you dad!

I tell ya.

It grows hotter. It grows hotter most every week. Summer is upon us. We all know what summer means for comedians who day-light as baggage handlers... Chaffing season. No fun. No fun at all. Plus, since I don't have hair, I must now apply sunscreen to my noggin. What's better than sweat in your eyebrows? You guessed it, sunblock in your eyes!

Toodles!

da doo doo doo da de da de doo

Not too much going on. Telling jokes at Slapsticks! Thursday night. Possibly getting a showcase set on Friday night somewheres....

Not sure if my normal Monday night comedy extravaganza is going down due to tomorrow being a holiday for all the dead/maimed/post-traumatic stress disorder soldiers and whatnot. What's better than remembering the sacrifices millions of our youth made for America? Why, doing it with a beer in hand over the course of a long weekend, that's what! Well, a long weekend for normal job type people, I'm working.

Been thinking.

Been thinking 'bout gambling. Las Vegas? Reno? Atlantic City? No money though. Bummer.

It rained a smidgen yesterday, and the rubber buffer thing on the border of my windshield kinda popped out of it's track. My God, car ownership rules!

Watched The Usual Suspects yesterday. Like Memento, this is a film that's better the second or third time around. Very cool. Why Gabriel Byrne doesn't get roles like that anymore, I don't know. He was the best part of End of Days. Did you know that it's the only movie that Arnold is in when his (human) character dies? Satan rules!

Well, I hope you have a good Memorial Day. Try not to think of the people spending it in Iraq, and don't whore out their memories next year...

All this time you were pretending?! So much for my happy ending!

Purchased and watched Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic last night. I'm enamored with Ms. Silverman, mostly because she seems like a chick who'd be down to go bridge jumping with me. Her comedy, well, I just don't know what I think yet. I think it's centered on shock value, a "hey, let me say something really racist and then laugh it off slyly." Maybe she gets away with this because she's female, or because she's Jewish, or because she's hot, I don't know. Maybe if Lisa Lampanelli was 15 years younger and 30 pounds lighter she'd be the biggest comic in the world. Oh well, Sarah Silverman doesn't throw bags for a living, which means she's probably doing something right.

Perhaps she's Andrew Dice Clay for the new millennium???

Still reading The Stand. Trashcan Man?

Made some awesome bean burritos yesterday. They were super good, and the dollar store organic salsa wasn't that bad either. Tonight, I believe I'll have carrots with ranch and apples with peanut butter and maybe a banana bar.

My mother always would buy a set amount of freeze-pops for the summer. After they ran out, that was it. I buy freeze-pops for myself now. They're about 2 bucks for 22 of them at Giant Eagle. This has led me to conclude that my mother was abusive. I just don't know how I survived my childhood intact. Relatively intact, at least.

"1850 on the ground for three"

Gotta go.

Sugar Ray or Sigur Ros?

So anyways.

I see our illustrious government has allocated another 120 billion dollars to "Vietnam: The Iraq Years." That's great. Nothing makes me happier than knowing our troops are being blown to bits protecting 400 dollar a day Halliburton truck drivers while their families live on peanuts back home. God, I love America.

And another thing. Maybe this cements my asshole status, but it needs to be said: If your son/daughter dies in Iraq, don't insist on celebrating their lives endlessly. They volunteered, usually with the promise of free college or other incentives. Their loss is sad, but if you claim it's in defense of America, you're just fucking wrong. You're grieving, and unable to accept the fact your kid died for nothing. .02

Van Halen was a better band with Sammy Hagar, but was by no means a bad band with David Lee Roth in it. Gary Sharone, on the other hand, will be hotly debated by historians in future centuries. Kind of sad the VH got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and only Michael Anthony(Bass) and Sammy decided to show up. Roth was going to show, but insisted on performing some stuff with Velvet Revolver. You know your career is shit when Velvet Revolver turns down the chance to back you. I wrote this because I've been listening to 5150 this week. It's a pretty good album. Buy it.

I'm reading The Stand again, which I consider to be one of the finest works of fiction ever written. I probably read it every two years of so. It's nice to read a 1200 page book, a complete story, instead of just a pulpy little novel every once in a while, at least.

It's your thang, do what you wanna do.

General Lee jokes don't play well to high schoolers.

Comedy went good yesterday. The Big Red A is a great place to have a cup o' joe or see some cool local talent. Thx to Tom for givin' me a couple of minutes.

Gave in and went to see Shrek 3. I suck. It sucked.

Still plugging away at the HTML thing. Will probably be pushing back the launch date of benkennycomedy.com

I've got nothing.

Funny that you're calling me.

Last night was just plain weird.

At comedy night #1, the emcee/promoter didn't bother to show, so I emcee'd, and the two other comics there performed for all seven people, including four from Portugal who weren't exactly following every word we were saying, but were cool as fuck regardless. Anyways, people were entertained, and more importantly, they laughed. Which, unlike the hokey-pokey, is exactly what it is all about.

Comedy night #2: The Competition. I went on first, dropping some classics, some new stuff, getting a lot of laughs, and generally having a pretty good set. Naturally, I didn't advance. I'm still upset over this, and I will probably continue to be upset over this for a long time. I really feel I got shafted, but I've seen other talented, funny comedians fail to advance when they clearly rocked, so what do I know?

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Gotta decide what bills not to pay this month in order to make rent and eat. Maybe you know how it is.

It's cool that the 'burgh has an "indie" radio station(91.3). One of the best things about this station is that one can here This American Life on it. If you're unfamiliar with the program, it's like Yo! MTV Raps, except it's for educated, liberal, slightly elitist white people. Every night they examine a different them, everything from the Ten Commandments to Travel. That's right, they're all about things that begin with "T." But seriously, it's a great mix of people reading stories about subjects near and dear to them, with interesting musical interludes. Listen to it if you're tired of endless reality TV.

I hope you all have a good day, but not as good as my day, because I just couldn't stand it.

I'm seriously thinking about submitting an application for the New York Underground Comedy Festival. Then, I'll get my big break, and become the asshole I've always known I could be.

Exeunt Ben Kenny

You can go your own way.

Aloha. Jimmy Carter is a pussy.

Yesterday, President Carter called the Bush Administration the worst administration in US history. From my viewpoint, he was right, and I was stoked on it. The Bushies responded by calling him "largely irrelevant" and whatnot.

The sad thing is that, like all politicians these days, Carter apologized. That's America for you. A leader makes an impassioned speech and is ostracised for it.(Dean)

----------------------

I'm not going to see Shrek 3. Sorry. If Mike Meyers did another spy flick, I'd be right there, but 10 million to do a week's worth of voice work and a little promotion? Shit. It must be nice.

Comedy contest tonight. Excited.

New Order is good stuff. New World Order is bad stuff.

Vegetarian chili. Mmmmmmmm!

HTML is interesting. It's nice to have a technical challenge, but I'm a little afraid I've jumped in over my head. Time will tell.

Maybe going to see The Deftones.

Aloha.

Cash it in and throw it all away.

My set Friday night didn't go well. For one of the first times in my comedy "career" I bombed not because I was drunk or had weak material. I bombed because my material didn't suit the room. I'm not changing material, so I'll just keep on bombing for certain audiences.

Doing other shows/mics this week. Earthstone, PD's Pub contest, etc..

Launching www.benkennycomedy.com on or about June 1st. Look out for it.

Mind over matter.

Comedy went pretty well last night, some new jokes worked, and a few didn't. I was happy to have had the chance to do I little group improv again. I'd forgotten how much of a challenge it is, and how it pushes you out of your comfort zone.

I'm back at Slapsticks tonight for an encore of sorts. Not really, but come see me anyways. I can hook you up "2-for-1" style, and who doesn't like something for nothing? Plus, if the show sucks, you only spent half of what you could have spent!

The Floyd Landis trail/hearing got very weird today. It seems to me that Greg Lemond is just trying to rake muck over the accomplishments of Floyd, and before him, Lance Armstrong. As a cyclist, it's interesting, because if I was in a peloton(fancy French word for pack) and everyone else was on dope, what would be my motivation to stay clean? I guess everyone is innocent until proven guilty here in the ol' US of A, and I just hope Landis gets a fair shake.

I ate a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast today. It was super good, probably because I used three slices of American cheese. Tasty.

Sleeping weather has been pretty awesome here in Western PA this week. Nice and cool. It was so cool this week I actually had to put on clothes while sleeping. I usually sleep naked, so I'll leave you with that mental picture for today.

Probably about 7:30 or so.

Went to see 28 Weeks Later last night. Like virtually all sequels, it wasn't as good as the first, but still, this was a pretty good flick. If you haven't seen the forerunner, 28 Days Later, you missed a great horror flick, probably the best of the last decade. Like the original, this film is effective because the psychology of the main characters is more than just the usual generic, skin deep stuff we see in most horror movies. Also, the helicopter decapitation scene beat the living fuck out of the one in Planet Terror. As an added bonus, Robert Carlyle is in this flick, and if you know Robert Carlyle's work, you know that he is the shit!

What else? Hmm... Apparently, I get to do a little improving tonight, which I'm looking forward to, as I haven't done it with a group in quite some time. It's not really my thing, but it is nice to do once in a while.

For some reason, I always find myself awakening between the hours of 2 and 3 AM. Sometimes it's a brief jolt, and sometimes I'm laying there for 40 minutes, just thinking. I'm perturbed, because I never have to use the bathroom or anything like that. Oh well.

I bought a watch again. It's nice to know what time it is at glance, instead of digging into my pocket like a fool, flipping open my cell phone, and then forgetting to set my outside screen to a higher resolution to in order to read the time.

Might buy a new keyboard for my computer, as I recently spilled beer all over it. What a dumb move on my part. Beer is too precious to do that to.

I'm gonna listen to Year Zero by Nine Inch Nails when I get home. It's pretty rad. In other rad-related news, I hear there's a part 2 to this album coming out sometime around the fall. I'll leave on that.

Take it to the limit. Walk along the razor's edge.

I was having a bad day yesterday. I paid most of my bills, and even got a little overtime, but I was just down.

Then Jerry Falwell died.

If I had the bio-mechanical ability to do cartwheels, I would've.

Jerry Falwell was a bigot, a racist, a prude, fat, and just generally ignorant. He never really made any lasting changes in the fabric of American society(THANK GOD!) and the only time he got press was when he responded to some horrible event with an equally unimaginable comment. Like when he blamed 9/11 on everyone who wasn't an evangelical, or when he issued religiously-biased "voter guides." And of course, the 300 dollar tie pin in his cheap suit, calling Tinky Winky a fag. The world is a better place without him. Now we just need to get rid of "Liberty" University.

Actually, whilst reading coverage of the story I realized something: There isn't one good picture of Jerry Falwell anywhere. Try and find one. He did have a mighty impressive jowl though.

Nothing much else to rant on today. I got chocolate covered sunflower seeds and they're good.

I have nothing to lose, but I owe money on it.

So the deputy director of the "Justice" Department is resigning his post due, in part, to the "financial obligations" of having two college-aged kids. He makes 165,000 dollars a year. Do his kids go to college on the moon? Maybe he's resigning because the "Justice" Department was been little more than a Republican networking tool for the past six years and his(and other's) exploitation of the Constitution for political/financial gain is finally coming to light.... or maybe it really is hard to put two kids through college on a mere 165,000 thousand dollars a year. Maybe my machinist father and special education teaching mother are just really humble about the state of their finances? I just don't know anymore! Fuck.

One comedy night was non-existent yesterday, and one was severely curtailed. Oh well, it's not like I could have been sleeping, riding my bike, doing laundry, cooking for the week, or working overtime. Oh wait. I could've been doing all those things. But I made someone laugh yesterday, which is what it's all about really, making someone laugh. Sadly, there were 8 people(7 of them comics) in the room, so "someone" just wasn't cutting it.

I've become an evening coffee drinker(don't drink it in the AM). I don't quite know what to make of it at this point.

We were discussing Spider-Man 3 yesterday and I realized it really isn't a good movie. How can a movie be considered "good" if the best, most memorable part is a cameo by Bruce Campbell. Nothing against Bruce, I'm a HUGE fan actually, but cameos are supposed to be more of a "ha ha" type thing, not a "hey, I thought the Bruce Campbell cameo was the best scene in the film" type of thing.

Look for me dropping the hilarity Thursday night at Slapsticks! and maybe even getting my headshot done this week.

We love to work.

I drank a lot last night. At the bar this time. Jack and Pepsi with my homies and homettes from work. It was a grand affair. Something was weird though. You see, if you're like me, you have to pee while drinking. Oddly, over the course of 5 hours of hard drinking(there is no other kind for Ben Kenny) I not once had the urge to use the washroom. Even on the drive home, no urge. I got home, evacuated a gallon of liquid, and went to bed. The End. Boy, the human body sure does rule!

Rocking the mic tonight at Earthstone and then in the competition at PD's Pub. By the time you read this, it'll have already happened, so it's useless to give addresses. But if you can travel through time, let me know, and I'll hook you up.

I'm not ashamed to be a Sheryl Crow fan, btw.

I think that's all I really needed to say today.

Bode Miller's cousin did WHAT!!??

It's kind of(is) sick that we live in a society when someone can be so famous, so well known, that when a relative of theirs makes a mistake, it's national news. Case in point: Bode Miller's idiot cousin. If you follow the news, you've already heard about it, if not, I'm not going to share it. It's just a sad, too common, fact of life in American society.

Like his dead cousin, Bode Miller is an idiot, as evidenced by his enthusiasm for drinking when he should be training to do what he does best, i.e. skiing, balls out. Bode Miller can ski faster, better, and harder than almost anyone alive. He spent his Olympics "partying at an Olympic level" instead of potentially winning five medals. I've seen him ski in person, and he is amazing to watch, but leave the drinking to "extreme" skiers and boarders, and spend more time in the gym and on the hill.

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Today is Mother's Day, or as I know it, "Remember not to ask Mom for any money during this call, Day." I hope I remember to call again next year. I already missed her birthday and anniversary, which secures my place on the shit list, indefinitely.


Oh yeah, I decided not to get a dog. Mostly because I don't have the time to raise a dog right, which wouldn't be fair to the dog, or anyone who meets said dog in the course of their day. I do look forward to the day when I have the time to get a dog. It's gonna be awesome!

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. has left his stepmother's racing team, which is probably good for him. You don't want to be driving a car owned by your stepmother at over 190mph while your feuding over money. You could pull a "Dale Earnhardt, Sr." which would be very, very bad for you, but great for the marketing people.

'til Tuesday, keep it down now. Voices carry.


(Did you guys know Aimee Mann was in that group? She was also in The Big Lebowski.) Italics are fucking sweet!

Maybe Someday.

So I've decided to move my blog over from MySpace. Why would I do this? Well, frankly, I want to be able to update while I'm at work. If you're interested, my older ramblings are available at www.myspace.com/benkenny . Thx.