Lovers in Japan.

I will own a home in less than ten days. (shudders and smiles)

Put myself into a heavy Coldplay space as of late.


John Cena makes Van Damme look like Van DeNiro.-BK

That type.

I am really not too far off from being a caveman. Dinner consisted of three veggie hotdogs, sliced and thrown into a sauce pan of macaroni and cheese. The classy kind, with the actual semi-liquid cheese sauce. I ate it straight from the pan. You know how I do! I find that I have to set aside a portion of the food for "later" or tomorrow's meal prior to actually eating any part of the meal. I'm a glutton, and if you set something before me, it's going to fucking disappear in it's entirety. A preemptive strike is always necessary.

You know what, fuck these motherfuckers who are up in arms over the fact that the word "freedom" has been removed from the name of the building(s) being constructed at the site of the former World Trade Center. The World Trade Center was a business campus. People didn't "fight for the American way of life" inside of it. They processed credit reports, foreclosed on homes, jacked interest rates, brokered commodities, sued each other, and often broke laws. These are/were the class of people to take bonuses paid for with government bailout money. These people were in the wrong place at the worst time, not patriots. Their memories have been abused enough. Thousands of additional lives wasted to "avenge" them. Such a pity.

This is the best "children's" book of all time. I'm not sure if I like the idea of a film adaptation, but I'm still excited about it. Spike Jonze was definitely the right choice to helm it. Stop reading and go see Adaptation right now if you haven't already!


I saw a cardinal the other day. The bird, not the Catholic and/or baseball playing kind. Made my day. Hadn't seen one in years. Rednecks probably shoot at them a lot, and there are rednecks aplenty here in PA.

Hummed this while pooping sometime before the sun came up. Thought you'd like to know.


How bad is the new U2 album? Well the new(ish) Coldplay album is better by leaps and bounds, and that album isn't as good as previous Coldplay efforts, which, arguably, are not as good as early U2. That's how bad the new U2 is. I'd still listen to it over Fall Out Boy, any day of the week. Even if I was offered money, or even poon of some sort, to listen to said Fall Out Boy album.

Traffic? This early?-BK

Axl Rose, bud.

While driving home from work today I decided to watch a few episodes of Firefly. Problem is, I don't actually own it. I've always borrowed it from friends or caught it on cable. For those of you who don't know, it was one of the greatest episodic Western/Science Fiction shows ever made. Incredibly creative, witty, and attention worthy! Also, Summer Glau came to the attention of my loins through this show, so I'd owe it even if I didn't love it!


It's spelled l-a-s-a-g-n-a.-BK

Brookline represent!

This is a nice song. Nice lyrics. Nice melody. And, she sings with an English accent. Nice. Oh yeah, I almost forgot the two most important words: Third Nipple. Not in the video, but definitely on the girl. Google that shit!


When you're all grown up and shit you can do whatever the fuck you want. Just because. But you shouldn't. Not always, at least. Especially if it can be defined as eating only Burger King onion rings for dinner. Not one of my most intelligent moments, but gastro-intestinally endearing for sure.

I wrote 4 minutes on the Special Olympics yesterday. Hey, it's not my fault the intellectually disabled are also so very, very funny, in addition to staggering competence at one or two things! I don't know if I'll actually do the material, but it exists nonetheless.

Started work at the ultra late hour of nine in the morning today which means beautiful, precious sleep was had last night. I ravished that sleep. Ravished!

Got my gas bill yesterday. Holy shit!

Very astute of you.-BK

Pool on the roof must have a leak.

I spent six dollars playing Skee ball yesterday. It was money well spent. I haven't been so relaxed in a long, long time. My mind was totally devoid of all thought for the forty minutes or so that I played and it was glorious.

I'm apparently doing a show at CMU this Saturday night. Details if and when they become available.

This really does a good job of illustrating just how good the live show is. This is, bar-none, the best concert ticket value right now. The "drum machine screen" is beyond belief.


Looks like the next month will be shitty for movies. May though. Oh boy May. It's gonna rock.

I've been thinking of dyeing my hair. Jet black. Just thinking. I don't think I will. Too thin, and don't want to make it look more apparent. Not me dummy. My hair.

Remember that contest I made the finals in? Yes, I'd forgotten it too! However, they've decided to hold the finals a mere six months after the last round and I've got nothing better to do, so April 18th it is! Big crowds. Twelve people.

Look for me at The St. James Place tonight, because I'll be there. Seething with hatred for everyone and everything, because that's who I am and what I do.

You know what video game "they" should adapt to the big screen next? Muthafuckin' Paperboy!

Made me laugh out loud instead of smirk and move on.


I'm worried. I haven't been looking at porn nearly as much as I used to, but I still have the same sex drive. Not that it really figures into the equation. I look at porn like other people look at uh... things that aren't porn, I suppose. I consider it sort of an unwitting art form of it's own. Really good porn stares it's nature in the face, embraces it's mediocrity, and than ejaculates onto it's chest. Then it licks it up, gargles, and spits it onto the camera lens. Figuratively, of course. Most of my porn comes from underground sources, is of questionable legality, and involves screaming.

I'm tired of rising before even the people who deliver newspapers.

Do you have chocolate?-BK

Three proven wells.

Bird on cat eroticism. Love how the cat just lays there and takes it. Fucking hot.


The end of the home buying process draws nigh.

Bobby Jindal needs to learn how to lead before he perfects his bitching technique.

The Republicans should be afraid to attack Obama. He fucking steamrolled them. But as it's been said before, the problem is not with the political parties, the problem is the government! Vote Libertarian!

Got far too drunk last night.

I'm tired of the comedic discourse as of late. Really fucking tired, actually.

Are there good comedians in Pittsburgh? Of course there are.

Are there good venues in Pittsburgh? Yes.

Are the owners of these venues and the promoters of the evenings willing to financially stake their evenings? No.

Comedy in larger cities like Denver, Chicago, Atlanta, etc is successful not because of street promotion, but because of the media. You want people at shows? Put ads in the City Paper. Paid ads, not classifieds. Run the show better. Keep it tight. Don't let some drunk asshole(me, last night) do ten minutes of nothing onstage.

I have very few friends(by choice) and I'm not going to use them as pawns to get unpaid stage time. I respect them, and myself, too much.

(Not directed at Mitch or anyone specific, btw. Merely my observation.)

I love comedy, but not unconditionally.

Pittsburgh is a dumb town. People here like meat slathered in sauces, light beer, and sports. They do not have an artistically inclined mindset. I still like it here, enough to buy a home and make a play at a decent life, but I've accepted that that's the way it is.

I'm down for any show, at any time, but I'm not going to harbor false hope. There will never be a comedy scene in Pittsburgh worthy of nationwide attention. It ain't going to happen. The talent, arguably, is here. The fans aren't.

As a comedian, I don't feel obligated to be "part" of the scene. I don't feel having a scene is even necessary. When it comes down to it, I'd cut out your fucking throat if I saw you in the way of a good gig, and any comedian I respect would do the same to me. This is fucking show business. Show business. Not show friendship. Not a comedy hippie commune of some sort.

I wasted a lot of time typing the above. It doesn't matter.

I voted two weeks ago.-BK

Peoria.

I haven't written in a few because of this.


It's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen. Every time I watch it, every single time, I crack up laughing. The first dozen or so times, I even had tears in my eyes.

Some things are meant to distract.-BK

Birth of Venus.

Besides their enviable and ultra fantastic pornography, Japan is to be admired for the sense of honor many of it's citizens still have. They recognize that failure is weakness, and many accept the responsibility and shame. Dying in the woods isn't too bad of a way to go, actually.

Show at Gorman's Pub Wednesday. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles experimenting with their sexuality jokes!

Also, it's been about three months. It's time! Time to open up Obama season. Gotta be tactful about the race thing though. There's a difference between being smart and confrontational and being racist as hell. I'm still trying to find out what the difference is, but I get beat up less, so I think I'm moving in the right direction.

Note: I do not tell racist jokes. Unless they are about racists. Hence, "racist joke" being appropriate for the name of the joke, but not actually racist in nature. I am racist in nature, but I'm trying to kill those opinions, even if they're private. Anyone from the suburbs who isn't willing to admit to racist tendencies is a liar!

Reached 200 Facebook friends the other day. People I went to high school with who didn't mean shit to me then still don't. It's funny to see where their lives are in relation to mine. My consensus: I ain't doing too bad!

Someone who I'm casually acquainted with commented on their high school reunion plans like so: "Why lose weight and travel across the country to collectively remember something so utterly forgettable to people like us?" They moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" in a heartbeat. Plus, they have a vagina. Always a deal-maker.

What did I do in high school? I used epic amounts of drugs(not pot. drugs) and tried to keep coming up with reasons to go on living.

I've stopped using drugs, but still need the reasons to go on living. This may be it. I want one, OK? I fucking want one!

Every creature,(which fetuses aren't!) big and small, deserves a shot at a full life. Animals, like Star Trek fans, are innocents, and must be protected if we consider ourselves the truly dominant species on this planet.


I'm deeply ashamed to publicly admit how excited I am about this movie. The Force for life of course, but I think it's interesting to make Starfleet sexy in ways besides the token hot chick with pointy ears...


Do I look like the bracket type?-BK

Wife of Liam Neeson.

Watched this last night. Rescued it from the $2.50 bin solely on the strength of the title. Was not disappointed. For a 45 year-old movie, this holds up remarkably well. The movie is still powerful, although a little cliche, because it's well put together and paced pretty good.


Headed out to St. James tonight and Belvedere's after that. It's going to kick butt!

Alright!-BK

Meek? Try observant.

A friend asked me why I'm not "a teacher, or something." Because I'd be fucking students, that's why. I'd be the aloof mugshot on the news. I'd probably tender my resignation, move to the Pacific Northwest to write, and neglect to register as a sex offender. I hate paperwork and police officers.

I made a gourmet meal yesterday.

Grilled cheese with three different kinds of cheese. Rice and potatoes, seasoned to taste. "Seasoned to taste," in the language of Ben Kenny, means a few drops of green Tabasco or Rooster sauce.

Overtime today. 11 glorious hours. I plan to use the money to perpetuate stereotypes, or maybe get some ink. I've got a mad hankering for some ink. Maybe a Viking working a turntable, or perhaps a Republican T-Rex.

Morrissey is in town. Not sure where. Look for a lot of Outbacks covered in "conscious" bumper stickers. A lot of post-graduate education types who couldn't lead a line of kindergardeners. Love The Smiths, hate Morrissey.


Like this song, and love this band.


If I had the chance to go hang gliding, I would not go.

Need to shave more often now. Not my back either. My face. I wonder why. Change in diet?

If it's included, there's a fee.-BK

Holy diver, you're the star of the masquerade!

Damn. I would never have thought to wear something like this without a shirt and tie, but I think it makes the lapels, cut, and pinstripes pop out even more so than they would normally.

I actually found a green velvet sportcoat that fit me perfectly, save for the sleeves being at least 4 inches too short. Couldn't even work that in a dark bar, let alone a drunken parade. A barrel-chested little person must have been the original owner or something. I also found perfect condition, high shine black leather combat boots. Which where a size and half too small. Foot discomfort is nothing new to me, but I couldn't lace them up. Sad.

Speaking of boots, now that I've grown my hair back, I can acquire myself some Dr. Martens. I threw mine out when I was shaven, as Dr. Martens are the favored footwear of some Neo-Nazi skinhead types, and I have enough misconceptions about me to set right as it is.

Speaking of drunken parades, I didn't go to any this year. Haven't been to any, in fact, since I was underaged.

I think my first serious make out session happened at the South Side Irish Parade when I was fifteen or so. I rode my bike there, alone, with no expectations, but ended up drinking foamy beer in someone's backyard. I'm quiet, but I make friends. She was older than me, and almost as drunk. It was in an alley, and I did not yet have the know how or knowledge of "base running" to finger her. She probably went on to hang out every weekend at Bourbon Street. God how I hate that place.

I am so happy I no longer live in Chicago. It's great, but not great enough to stay if all you ever wanted to do was leave.

I love getting messages informing me of comedy competitions the day of. I fucking love that shit.

Heading to the Moose, and maybe even the "Funny"bone on Tuesday. Economy jokes a plenty. After all, in this economy, you can't afford to not joke about this economy.

Random quote from the breakroom at work:

"Dude, just because Rob Halford wears leather and has sex with men doesn't make him gayer than John Mayer!"

The fact that they covered this song, although it's nowhere near as good as the original, makes me like them even more.


I eat ice cream by the pint. Even if it's in bar form, I eat it by the pint. I crossed a street, turned a corner in life last night. I was unable to finish a pint of ice cream. I had to retrieve the lid from the garbage can, replace it, and return the pint to the freezer. I cried a little. It was peanut butter, and you all know how much I love peanut butter. This is serious. I may need to see a doctor.

Dinner last night consisted of the aforementioned ice cream, Swedish Fish, and Ranch Doritos. I drank Mountain Dew. But I did eat three bananas throughout my day yesterday, so I think I'm even.

Michael Jackson sold out fifty concerts. I'm impressed. If he makes every show in the engagement, he will have played to an audience of over one million people. Roughly three hundred believe with their hearts that he's innocent. Two hundred and twenty of those will be German. Go figure.

Since I have to work overnight tonight(it's 3 AM deep in the bowels of PIT as I write this), I slept during the day, and went out to see The Last House on the Left before coming in to work. I cannont recommend or discourage people from seeing this movie. I will say that the acts of violence(particulary the rape)portrayed are staggering. People were gasping in horror and shock in the theater, something the author hadn't seen since the last time he saw an Eddie Murphy film on the big screen.

The film was a remake, and it was rather beautifully shot, but if the original uses a chainsaw, the remake uses a chainsaw! You always, always, always use the chainsaw! The original also had way more balls to it. In fact, in many countries, it was banned uncut for over thirty years! The film also has the best tagline ever: "To avoid fainting, keep repeating, 'It's only a movie... It's only a movie... It's only a movie...'"

I actually had some really kick ass popcorn, which anyone who even casually goes to the movies these days knows is a real rarity. It was freshly popped, topped with a perfect amount of butter, and I salted it just the way I liked it. I was content to munch away, killing the bag in a manner similar to the demise of several of the characters in the film. I don't want to think of the profit margins movie theaters make on popcorn. Makes me want to kill movie theater workers. I need to save that aggression for the right place and time, i.e. when I encounter the police.

It is warm tonight. Not cold at all while driving equipment about.

They don't come here for the wings.-BK

No thanks, I can't read.

Good Cop, Baby Cop from Will Ferrell

Spurt!-BK

Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

I've made an important, life-altering decision. Airplane! is the funniest movie of all time. It is without peer. There must be at least seventy killer jokes in this movie, and at least four running bits that still floor me.

A lot of politically correct types would call this racist. That's because they're all very stupid. This doesn't demean anyone. I think it's one of the best bits ever written.


Double shift today. First time in a long time. Money is good. Lack of sleep/spending 16 hours underground, not so good.

I thought I found a suit at the thrift store yesterday. Unfortunately for me, and female population of greater Pittsburgh, the collar was torn out. Drats like a motherfucker.

Booking shows for April. You know you want me.

I thought it was really weak of Jon Stewart to attack Jim Cramer like he did. I don't think Cramer gives bad advice, or misleads investors. I think Stewart was looking for easy prey, someone his audience would already be inclined to hate, and he found it in Jim Cramer.

I still hate Kid Rock, but pimp-to-pimp, I gotta admit, the man has panache.


My personal favorite Queen song. Still can't believe Freddie Mercury was gay. No outward clues whatsoever. Hipsters idolize the mustache, as they should.


I'm back on Swedish Fish. Don't know why I ever left.

It's not a safety issue when the nature of the job is dangerous.-BK

Talk Hard.

Woke up at 11:30 last night. Couldn't fall back to sleep. Watched Pump Up The Volume. Ate a bean and cheese burrito. Drank Mountain Dew. Samantha Mathis, rawr! Gothic pixie of my dreams. Striped leggings. Time to write it up, yo.

I would be the vegetarian patty in a Belinda Carlisle-Samantha Mathis sandwich. Madonna, 80's style, to drink, with a side of Ally Sheedy, served goth. Good times.

It's an idea that's been in my head a bit, but the movie got me thinking again about it: Internet radio station/show. Shit's free, but who would listen? What would I talk about? How well can I describe my bedroom? Pssh...

Fuck it, the blog continues. People have to plan to listen to a radio show, but you can read this at anytime, and you do.

Voting on the Union Contract this week. I hope it passes. I like money, but I like having a guaranteed labor agreement even more. It was insulting to see people from the Union complaining about money, picketing in public. Especially in Western PA, a region that's lost almost three, count 'em, three, million jobs in the last twenty years.

Haven't been on stage in a while. Self-imposed hiatus needs to end. I've got a hankerin' for the funny. It burns like that time I went to Bangkok and couldn't stand up while peeing for three weeks. It's a deep burning, one which no topical salve can adequately treat.

You ever notice how Sesame Street ran through an urban, kind of run down neighborhood? I used to drive through Gary Indiana, just to see if mutants were living in the garbage cans, teaching phonics without regard for the rules of society. Robin stopped in to buy some coke, and got roped into a guest appearance.


A reader in Idaho embedded this in correspondence with me, and it's too outstandingly fantastic to not share with you guys. Talking Lincoln is my favorite part.


I need to socialize with people who are not comedians/alcoholics/sexual deviants more often. I'm thinking of taking up some sort of martial art. Seriously. But not mixed martial arts, because that's a douchebag pastime. Besides, my hair would look horrible frosted, and I hate tribal tattoos.

Shootings in Germany and Alabama. Two dozen people gone forever. The blood of youth shed. Unfulfilled lives snuffed out. Another reason why we're spiraling to into an oblivion we won't recover from. We are surrounded by violence, fictional and real. We strike out person to person, group to group, and country to country, yet we're all "shocked" when things like this happen for some reason. I guess I'm saying it's time to buy more guns than your neighbor, put up cameras, and stay inside, mentally masturbating to Walker, Texas Ranger. I don't allow myself to feel/relate to the sense of loss and general lunacy in the world. If I did, it'd be all I'd ever think about. So I just think about fleeting, superficial things, listen to Henry Rollins, and dance until I sweat.

Speaking of hopelessness, America's favorite teenage mother, Bristol Palin, has ended her engagement with the father of her child. Jesus is SO pissed. Mad enough to shoot wolves from a helicopter.

More Elmo hotness. There are blind people, bilingual blind people, who probably think Elmo's name is "The Moe."


"Broken Wings" is not the best Mr. Mister song! It's "Kyrie!"-BK

Vegetarian enchiladas! For me?! Sweet!

Alambama Shooting Spree would be a great name for a shitty band that's "from" Brooklyn.

I listened to Korn last night. It's something that I've grown comfortable with sharing only through years of embarrassing myself on stage, binge drinking, and awkward sexual encounters.

In small doses, very small doses, "parts-per-million" type doses, actually, bands like Korn and Limp Bizkit are tolerable to my ears. I grew up listening to heavy music, still listen to heavy music, and will selectively listen to heavy music in the future.

I don't know how many of you folks are as prone to casually "throwing the goat" as I am, but I must say it is a rare occurance for me today, given the current musical climate. According to music "journalists" aka: fanboys with degrees, metal is supposedly experiencing a resurgence not seen since the glory days of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal. I do not believe this. Metal never dies. Metal never gets weak, or goes underground. Metal always just stands on it's own, die hard fans dedicated to one or more various sub-genres of the genre. Occasionally, people looking for a quick buck invest in metal, bring it into the public forum more conspicuously, and hope for the best.

"Popular" metal today... hmm... I hate most of it. I don't want to pay good money to see a bunch of burly, filthy Scandanavian dudes play three chords and scream all night long. I don't want to pay good money to see a bunch of kids from the suburbs wear tight pants and eyeliner, play three chords, and scream all night long. I don't want to pay good money to see a bunch of forty-five year-old men squeeze into their pants, play three chords, and scream all night long.

I usually do in the latter case though. Because I have a soft spot for the Crue.

Just like rap, I like the genre, but I'm not foolish enough to issue a blanket "like" decree about every artist currently playing metal.

Here are some of my favorites:

None of these bands are underground. Their music, for metal at least, is relatively easy to listen to and follow.

Mastodon - I've written about these guys before, and for good reason. They are the shining hope, the bearers of the Satanic flame, so to speak, of modern American heavy metal. They don't feel the need to scream all the time, play as fast as possible, or write about cliche things. This band wrote a concept album about Whaling, with particular attention paid to Moby Dick.

Slayer - Slayer does not ever change how they sound. Slayer are not "artistes." Slayer simply drop albums that punch you in the face when you hear them, and then they kick you in the balls and throw you off the balcony when you see them play. Possibly the only metal band with a 25 year history that's still entirely relevant.

Killswitch Engage - Two things: The singer and the guitarplaying. The singer, Howard Jones, is black, and has... uh... a.. "black" voice that just sounds really good in front of a metal band. The band has to play over him, not the other way around, which is rare. The guitar just soars miles above any other band's guitar playing. Incredibly melodic, yet shred-filled.

Mudvayne - They write songs that are radio hits but still pack impressive punches. Their debut single, "Dig" is one of the top five metal songs ever written.

-----

I've been slowly going insane with house stuff. I want it to be over with!

We should swap it.-BK

Never an easy way.

My parents sent me a number 43 Stiller jersey out of the blue. It made me happy. Even though I can't spell his last name, he is my favorite player, possibly my favorite pro athlete, period. Can't wait to spill some Iron City and nacho cheese on it!

My car's rear seats are always folded down, creating a larger cargo area, although I don't really carry anything large, ever. It is just filled with trash and old newspapers. Need to clean it today. Wash the exterior, too.

Slept too long last night. Twelve hours. Not even tired.

Ate a massive, and massively good, fake steak burrito last night. All sectors of my body were in agreement of it's deliciousness, and all is well gastrointestinally.

Saw Watchmen again yesterday. It's just that good.

The closest NIN has to a ballad. One of their better songs that "fans" don't even know.

NIN: The Fragile live from on stage, Adelaide 2.28.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

Put some air in my bicycle's tire this morning. I need to ride it more often, over longer distances.

I'm thinking cheese fries for lunch today. With some good City Paper on the side. At the O in Oakland. Everyone's on spring break, so parking shouldn't be an issue. Hopefully.

Nope, not a chance.-BK

Let blood inside your manhood.

Heavy Pearl Jam session last night.

Such a great song. Brave lyrics.


My lips are shaking, my nails are bit off
Been a month and a day since I heard myself talk
Only advantage this life's got on me
Picture an empty cup in the middle of the sea

And I fight back in my mind
Never lets me be right
I've got memories, I've got shit
So much it don't show

Oh, I walked the line, when you held me in that night
Oh, I walked the line, when you held my hand that night

An empty shell seems so easy to crack
I Got questions, don't know who the fuck I'm ever gonna ask
So I'll just lie alone and wait for a dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're looking at me

And I'll stay in bed
All blue, I've seen hell
If just once I could feel love
Oh, stare back at me

Oh, I walked the line, when you held me in that night
Oh, I walked the line, when you held my hand that night
Oh, I walked the line, when you held me close that night
Oh, I paid the price, never held you in real life

If I had to play one, only one song for someone who'd never heard grunge/alternative music before, it'd be this. Unquestionably.


Last night was my Friday night. I spent it drinking beer, watching South Park Season 9, and surfing towards the coral of the internet. It was a good night.

My dryer has been finicky lately. Some days it starts, some days it doesn't. Mechanical aptitude, COME TO ME!

I do regret not going to Blush Saturday night to see Sassy Cassee. Although I have a small problem with paying money to degrade women, I should have made an exception. You see folks, Sassy Cassee is two feet, ten inches tall. There are things you may only have one chance to see in life, and I hope this wasn't one of them. Will I be able to keep from laughing, and maybe even find it erotic?


Handstand pushups at about 5 minutes!


I can honestly say I've never gotten an erection in a strip club. Even during lap dances. Even that one time at Crazy Horse Too in Vegas with the Japanese businessmen I met playing blackjack(and winning H-U-G-E) at the Wynn. That was a hell of a time though. Jack Daniel's bottle service and hours in the champagne room. Okay, maybe I was a little hard. It's all sort of fuzzy.

When I sleep, I sleep with all I've got.-BK

Oh Lilian, look what you've done.

My past three posts have been shit, but Daddy's back on form today!

This week's episode of Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles didn't suck. Finally! You know a show's in trouble when they've done a "dream" episode. I was pissed last week. Hella pissed.

I really like White Pizza. I never remember having it growing up in Chicago. It is the best of the PA pizza I've consumed, even though it's still weak and uninspired. It's a nice change from the normal.

White Pizza, for those who don't know, is essentially pizza with a garlic/oil sauce under the cheese in place of tomato sauce and sliced tomato on top of the cheese. It's like cheese-garlic bread, but on pizza dough. Italian food is similar to Mexican food in the fact that there are only really 8 or 9 ingredients and techniques, but they're mixed ad infinitum.

I bought beer for the house yesterday. Straub. It's good. A nice break from my normal choices, Yuengling and Miller High Life. I drink it about ten percent of the time.

Occasionally, I'll have a beer with some chips and salsa right after a particularly shitty day at work, but I usually only drink in my home after I've returned from drinking abroad in the Iron City, night cap style.

Seventy degrees today. In addition to being unseasonably warm, it's Saturday, which meant the streets of Millvale were filled with unwed mothers and their innocent, yet doomed to a life of state aid and free school lunch, children. Lots of profanity and arguing interspersed with giggling heard outside my window.

As if that wasn't bad enough on it's own, every, and I mean EVERY douchebag who owns a motorcycle was out riding as well. Since their bikes have been in their parents' garages all winter, they felt the need to rev the shit out of them and accelerate madly down the streets. PA does have a helmet law, which is good, because these people are enough of a drain on society without being vegetables too.

And of course, life's grand circle continues. Perched on the back of these motorcycles, young, milky white calves likely to be burned by the exhaust? Girls probably not too far out of high school. It's a shame their hymens do not function as poorly as their brains.

Isn't it iconic? Don't ya think? The cameraman must have been a little person or something...


I thought briefly about working out today. Then I tried on my work shorts. If I suck in just a wee bit, and shimmy my hips like only a white boy from the suburbs can, they fall off. Fuck working out for the time being.

I thought about getting a somewhat dangly and always awe-inspiring part of my anatomy pierced today too. I've been thinking about it for a while. Merely thinking, considering, but not planning. I will most likely continue to think for a while still. My job is physical, I am clumsy and uncoordinated even when not working, and ripping that out would not be pleasant. Not even in the normal "Please stomp on my balls, Mistress" sort of way.

Hollywood makes it hard to plan suicide. Luckily, I am not impulsive. This looks great. Besides the obvious appeal of the stars, it was directed by Michael Mann, one of my favorites.


My favorite thing about this movie is the incessant use of the word "fuck" in... the... NARRATION!


Well yeah, but that car doesn't come with the ability to actually speak to women.-BK

I'm not going to make you a Boston Pancake.

Saw Watchmen last night and man oh man oh man was it good. Easily the best, most true to form adaptation of a comic book/graphic novel ever made. Yes, fellow nerds, even better than any of the Batmans. More visually stunning than Sin City or 300. The Spiderman films were all really good from all points of view. Watchmen makes them look like student films.

The economy is fine. How do I know? Well, college students are going to spring break in the same droves they usually go in. Odd though. We've been paging them to their planes all day long. At least 20 of them throughout the course of the day. Future leaders of America who don't understand when to be on a plane. Great. That's just great.

Check him out. He's on the friend list.-BK

Large quesadilla.

First warm day of the year. My balls were stuck to my leg today. First time this season. That's how I know it's the first warm day of the year.

Strangely, I have no foot pain to speak of today. I'm not complaining.

In relationship news, I cut out a picture of Katy Perry from Esquire. I taped it up on my work locker next to my picture of Megan Fox, which I acquired from the esteemed pages of GQ(it was shot by Terry Richardson). Masturbatory polyamory rules! Please note: I do not masturbate at work. I often plan what I'll masturbate to, but never, ever, do I fight the one-eyed monster on Company time.

Hey Michelle. Click the Terry Richardson link. You'll find my header picture there. I don't have the file on my computer anymore. Sorry it took a while for me to respond to that query.

I wrote jokes all day long. Most will never see the light of stage. Because they're over your head. Too smart for rooms at Harvard I am.

The tragic thing is that it wasn't filmed.-BK

I don't associate with that element.

"Naw man, more like nuggets. Very solid. Uh huh, like lumps of clay. Yeah... I mean, I always eat a lot of cheese, but I gotta tell ya, it was at least a three day backup that came out. Plus, I'd drank whiskey and have eaten Mexican and Chinese food. Odd though, it wasn't smelly or a 'mega wiper'."

Nine Inch Nails are touring the United States of America this summer. Ben Kenny is traveling the United States of America this summer. Coincidence? Not a fucking chance. Time to paint my fingernails black and don the pants of leather and mesh shirt.

I cried in the shower yesterday. I am the very definition of manly, so it is a rare thing indeed for me to cry. But I was thinking of my dog yesterday. God I miss him. He was the best.

Spring is coming. I know this because the sun was peeking over the horizon at 6:30 this morning, as I was eating my nutrious, complete breakfast of a blueberry bagel, PayDay bar, canned orange juice, and Coke.

I will be making fewer social and comedy appearances this month in order to focus on the house stuff. Plus, I'm back to working 5 days a week, which puts me in bed at 9 most nights of the week.

I'm learning how to tie a Full Windsor. It's challenging, because I'm rather impatient and not very smart. I'm also on the prowl for a suitable suit. Everytime I find a good suit on sale, I'm still too hard up for cash. When I'm flush with dough, I always forget to go look. Life is a bitch.

I normally don't talk about Flight Attendants. I see them all the time. Most are nice enough people, and they do a hard, thankless job. But the one I saw this morning. Gee fucking golly was she hot! Southwest's uniforms are rather bland. They don't give men much to notice, save for the rare, well-tailored exception. This girl could wear that uniform. She wore it like a catsuit, and she had excellent proportions. All-American cheerleader style. I had to remember to keep breathing. I almost spoke to her. Almost. Just really cute, pretty even. Cute enough to make the cover of the perpetual issue of Barely Legal that sits on the coffee table in my head.

Another one of my cousins had a kid. My parents and grandparents best look in the direction of my sister's uteris, because I am not planting a seed. Ever, if I get my wish.

It was the album prior.-BK

We will burn your cities down.

Waking up for work at 3:45 AM always sucks. Always. Sucks. Getting proper sleep is impossible, and starting your car at an hour when, on the weekend, you're used to stopping it, is no fun at all. I was in bed at 9:30 last night, fell asleep at 10 or so, worke up at midnight, and have been awake since.

The challenge today is to not allow myself to take a nap as soon as I get home.

And my foot has decided to start hurting, a lot, again.

Heard the new U2 album at work today. Wished so desperately I hadn't. Even if it's overplayed and polished, you come to expect a sound from U2, and when they do something different, they just seem kind of lame, and really stupid.

My phone has the ability to verbally read/pronounce text messages. "Ben Kenny is the god of fuck" for example, sounds awesome.

Wathcing Raising Arizona yesterday. Again. Twice. I am convinced it is as close to perfect as a film can get.


Too good!

It's no fun like that.-BK

Senses have been drowned.

People of my generation no longer wear bathrobes. It's kind of weird. Once I get a recliner, I'm getting a bathrobe. Spme of the old traditions must be brought back. Bathrobes and hitting children particularly.

I fucking hate, fucking hate, fucking HATE, when I see parents attempting to discipline young children with logic and reason. A child's mind is best ruled through fear of violence, not compromises on TV time. It's stupid to kneel to a child's eye level and explain the error in their ways. They don't understand. They're selfish. The only time my father ever kneeled in front of me was in order to gain leverage to better shake the shit out of me for being a little smart ass. Make the world a better, more productive, and healthier place. Beat your children as required.

Back to work tomorrow morning. Super excited. Went to physical therapy yesterday. What a fucking joke. I injured my foot because I lift, jump, drop, crawl, and scramble for 8 hours(often more) a day, not because I was playing with elastic sheeting. So how is elastic sheeting going to make me better? I'm happy I'm not paying for any of it.

Oh shit. Friday. Watchmen.

"Humans have a strength that cannot be measured." I have incredible expectations for the this film. Christian Bale is the John Connor of Hollywood. He can save us from cliched acting and Owen Wilson. He can save us all.


I have no further comments on that matter, or any matter, so what's the matter?-BK

Turtle Power!

Doctor later today. Foot pain has subsided considerably, but I have no way to know if I'm better, as I've been recumbent, not active. I truly hope I will be able to go back to work, as my days of leisure are growing increasingly tedious. For fun yesterday, I drank water by the glass for hours just to see how long I could hold it in. When I went, it was like a miniature fire hose. If fire hoses were made of urine, I guess.

Apparently my mom's on Facebook now too. No more "Ben Kenny got one hell of a blow job last night. His name was Stephen." status updates for me. I can't handle her always asking about Stephen's gag reflex.

Really good cover of a classic. Kate Bush for life. Placebo is an awesome band name. When you think about it, music is a placebo, not an opiate. Perhaps if you play and/or perform music, it's an opiate, but not if you merely listen.


The pizza I ordered last night was not up to my standards. I was only able to eat eight slices. Just barely. I didn't want to go back downstairs to supplement said mediocre pizza with a bean burrito, so I focused, kept my eyes on the prize, and powered through. I'm from Chicago. Pizza's what I do best, even if it's bad.

I've been waiting for mine. Always waiting. Why can't I have some closure?


All I'm saying is I'm just saying, that's all I'm saying.-BK