If I leave you now.

Show went pretty smooth last night. Metronome ceiling fan. Thanks to my friends for coming out. It's good to know that somebody is interested in what comics are doing in this town. Frankly, as a group, we work harder and spend more time on stage, "perfecting the craft," so to speak, than a lot of bands that somehow manage to get hundreds of words written about them in the City Paper. Comics rely on audiences in the same way that bands do. We need energy! Come out to a show.

Gotta keep hustlin'.

People can learn a lot from a man like this.

Spent time with a very cool person and her cool friends yesterday. Drank an epic amount of light beer. Passed out.

Robert Downey Jr.'s balls are probably made of some sort of alien flesh or something. I must see Tropic Thunder.


Doing the D-A-N-C-E tonight.

My pillow smells of armpit.

I'm giving some thought to getting a cat. I would adopt/rescue it of course, but I don't think I'm much of a "cat person," which could lead to problems. I don't think it's going to go down.

This music video might have been the first thing to ever have stirred the loins of a young Ben Kenny. Christ, isn't Steven Tyler just dreamy?! Liv Tyler ain't too bad either. Her fat sister is hot too. Alicia Silverstone is a Vegan Goddess. I would marinate her tofu all day long.


Don't ever talk shit on Aerosmith when you're in my presence btw. You have to make some exceptions and turn a few blind eyes, but mostly, they rock!

I often think of cooter.-BK

Cell it.

I somehow wasted another Friday night at work. Sweating for your living is not as fulfilling as sweating for your fun. Whilst sweating for a living, I feel dirty and exhausted. Whilst sweating for fun, I feel free and alive.

Today I've drank a milkshake, and eaten a McDonald's sundae and a half pint of peanut butter chocolate ice cream.

My stomach, which rarely, if ever, sees liquid dairy products, is none too pleased. Good thing I've got the new copy of GQ in the bathroom.

I could never pull off a khaki suit. I don't have the complexion or facial hair necessary. I'm fat and sweaty that's for sure, but I'd need a nice goatee or soul patch/mustache combo to pull a suit like that off. A hat, too. A really badass hat, with a strip of fabric over the brim. But, a suit like that is only meant for lounging, and if I'm wearing a suit, lounging is the last thing on my mind. Actually, Darfur is usually the last thing on my mind, but you know what I'm getting at.

Keep July 21st in your hearts. It's the Shadow Lounge. Chuckles and chortles are certain to abound, as the man from 1939 who narrates my life for me, in my head, is apt to say.

The Way of the Gun is a vastly underrated and terribly unknown film. If you like movies with badass, stereotypical archetypes with a twist, this one's for you. Hollywood needs to grow a pair, and make more films this daring and refreshing.

This is the opening scene, and it only gets better.


One the few purely American, whiskey swilling, coke snorting, true rock and roll bands out there worth paying any attention to. Ladies and germs, Queens Of The Stone Age. Kill a Yuengling and grind against something while wearing boots, and don't forget to remember that music is sometimes about just havin' fun! Muscle cars and broads not necessary, but they certainly don't hurt.


Off on Sunday. I might go to a Pirates game, or I might not. Depends on temperature and desire to ride bicycle to PNC Park.

That's all the chips.-BK

Out of control.

Dancing was fucking extraordinary earlier! Through some maneuvering worthy of pre-Iraq War Bush Administration talking points, I was able to give away hours I'd picked up from another coworkers. I went home, shaved. showered, drank a Monster, and headed out to the floor.

It was one of those rad floors that starts around 12:30, and just keeps consistently kicking ass. I had so much fun. I was really "just right" amount of drunk and the people on the floor had no cigarettes or drinks in their hands, i.e. they were there to FUCKING DANCE!

Good, superb times. I will think happy thoughts for more of these types of dance evenings. Fuck Belvedere's BTW.

Looking for a pen pal?

I've got the weekend off. Let's throw down, grilled cheese and ice water style!

I still need a Johnny Depp costume. Adrift in a sea of "too fat to pull that off."


"Barn Cat" would be an awesome name for a hipster band with a lot of good promotion, but no solid talent/ability.

I don't have to work again until 5pm, so I think I'm going to watch the sunrise today. Totally majestic and shit.

Scandinavian Jim Morrison, or just an awesome pop act?


Big gathering of the Funny at the Kiva Han in Oakland on Saturday. Put down the pipe, kill the beer, turn off the stove, carpool, and fucking be there! Nine, in the PM part of day. It will rule beyond human comprehension, I assure you!

Uh, the University of Pittsburgh can suck my cock, for all I'm concerned.-BK

P.S. Sorry. Very drunk.

Not gonna get us.

I hate working when I'd rather be doing something else. Which is pretty much all the time. Wow, I hope my "Master of the Obvious" degree isn't delayed in the mail.

I did manage to grab a brief, late snack and a beer with some coworkers before returning home in preparation for twelve hours of fun tomorrow.

My friends Susan and John are very cool people, and I've just sort of realized that today. As coworkers, we are always friendly to each other, but they are the kind of people that make me want to try harder in my day to day life. John and Susan are both vegetarians(like myself), foster & rehabilitate animals, volunteer at a no-kill animal shelter, and spearhead the recycling program at work. They never look for accolades or special treatment of any kind. They are just plain old good, infinitely likable, cool people, and I'm happy to have them in my life.

I am a big pussy, but I'm comfortable with it. The Cure forever!


I have watched this dozens of times, and I still find it to be absolutely awe inspiring and amazing.


I spend a large amount of time thinking about being naked. A psychologist would tell me I have deep-seated body image issues, and/or a fear of intimacy, but I tell myself that I'm just a fucking human being. I'm right. Plus, I don't bill out at two hundred dollars an hour.

I might have found a suitable tie, for those of you in the know. The chances are about fifty-fifty.

Ideas are being solicited for a Johnny Depp theme party costume. Apparently, everyone is already going as Hunter S. Thompson, which shits on my proverbial lawn, as I am bald, and that was the first thing that came to mind. It must be a Johnny Depp character, film unimportant. If you say "Jack Sparrow," I'm going to find you, torture you, and make you watch this. Over and fucking over. Again and fucking again. Horrible.

Listen, this isn't the Air Force Reserve, this is Southwest.-BK

I had an awesome time dancing yesterday, but upon returning home, was faced with the news of George Carlin's death, which kind of deflated me for a little while..

Dancing was, as mentioned above, an awesome time. We were on the second floor of the bar, and although only myself and another where dancing, our jumps and stomps were significant enough to shake the bottles on the first floor. The bouncer had to ask us to stop jumping, which is really, really, really cool if you think about it. A bouncer, forced to ask non-drunk people to stop having fun! It's always cool to see drops of your own sweat on a dance floor! Great, actually. I rocked my combat boots on the floor last night, and I should really rock them more often. They rule.

Horrible dance music isn't horrible to me. Get fucked.

My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult


Kylie Minogue is better than Janet Jackson.



Hopefully more overtime this week, even though I've been desperately trying to get tomorrow off in order to have dinner with some friends, but it looks like I'll be having original Easy Mac and PB&J for one in the conference room. Again. Also, I have to miss a new open mic I'd been looking forward to attending. IF I can wrangle some overtime tomorrow night, I can make the day worth it, and I might be able to not be in a shit mood for the whole fucking week.

While aimlessly riding my bike through Pittsburgh today, I stopped in a used movie/music store. I found this film on DVD, and I'm fairly certain I would've shat my pants if I hadn't pooped before going out! I love rediscovering the beloved films of my childhood!

THE MONSTER SQUAD

YES!!!!

It's actually just Ben, not Benny. Not ever, if you can help it.-BK

Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around.

The comedy world, and the world in general, lost a great man today.

In an era of propriety and censorship, his voice opened doors, broke down walls, and pushed the art of comedy performance further than it had ever been pushed.

George Carlin dragged the ugliness of life into comedy.

He used logic to tear apart and perform verbal autopsies on common thought, the English language, and the idea of a (G)god.

Filthy and eloquent, he was American in a way most talk about and admire, but few ever really are.

I don't have many heroes. I don't believe in them. I know I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for men like him, so that's something.

Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits.

One of my favorite bits of all time.

Get drunk, make art, be crude, step out of the box, and trip your balls off for George a time or two.-BK

A bit of a pickle here.

Worked briefly, and decided to come home and spent time doing something constructive. I lay in bed thinking of something to do, and it hit me! Stay in bed and watch Heat! Will my genius ever find a boundary?!?

The masters at work...


Mr De Niro explains how he did what he did in the above scene...


On my way home from work, driving down the highway, this song was on the radio, and my alto matched his baritone quite nicely.

There I was just cruising along the Parkway, and I notice what appears to be a large German Shepherd or Huskie of some sort on the side of the road..

"Don't walk into the motherfucking road," I say aloud, to no one in particular.

It stopped, and looked both ways, and then I realized it was a BEAR!!!!

A black bear. Young. Maybe 150 pounds. 12 miles from downtown Pittsburgh.

Nature rules!

I'm not making up the part about Barry White either.

Dancing my ass off in a few hours.

I don't care.-BK

I heart rock and roll.

A great time was had earlier tonight.

Hanzel und Gretyl played in Pittsburgh tonight, and I haven't seen a band play harder, faster, and with more heart since I saw Slayer in Denver.

If you rock, and enjoy rocking, Hanzel und Gretyl is not to be missed. The lyrics are in German, but the metal, oh, the metal transcends language!! Turn off your thought center, and throw your fucking fist into the air!

The other bands, opener Agnes Wired For Sound, and direct support, Ohio's Living Dead kicked copious amounts of ass as well. Support local, indie music. It's worth it!

This music would be more popular if more people weren't afraid to like it.

I was dressed totally awesome, as were my friends, and about 15% of the other folks there. Dressing cool is part of being cool. Granted, it will never make you cool, but it will start you along the road to coolness.

------

The Incredible Hulk was much, much better than I had expected it to be. You will be entertained if you see it. Tim Roth is still cooler than Samuel L. Jackson.

This song is so great!


I'm drunk, and I'm happy.

Back to slapping overtime in the face and destroying my body all week.

When I'm serious, you'll feel it.-BK

Title:

I had the worst pizza ever tonight. Although there is no such thing as bad pizza, this pizza was most certainly sub-par. I even changed my standards from "Chicago" to "Western PA," and it still sucked!! Not enough of anything really, and the dough was too bread like. I still ate six slices though.

I ate three more an hour later, just to be sure of my opinion. It stands.

I have an inkling that an overtime Indian Summer is upon me. 28 hours in two days, not counting my regular hours. Get it while it's hot, I suppose.

Shopping tomorrow. I need, uh, basically everything, and a blue tie. I want to find a solid blue tie.

Sometimes, you just gotta watch some ninjas.



Samurai have honor, sure, but the ninja do not have to ritually disembowel themselves if dishonored. Sign me up for throwing star lessons.



On the other hand, the samurai have a penchant for arterial spray.



Then again, ninjas love pizza, just like me!

More when the sun goes back down again.

Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, ooooooooooo... SHIT! Clarence Carter.-BK

Bet on it, bitch.

More people need to own Smashing Pumpkins recordings. Their "look" around 96-01' was the bee's knees.

This is rock and roll.

Smack and kisses.


I am so tired. I seriously considered sleeping in my car for an hour or two at the airport, but body odor and the desire to feed the ever hungry maw meant a sleepy drive home. I'm not totally exhausted, obviously, because I have the time to do this banal little composition for you guys.

"People who are afraid to go to horror movies are generally afraid their whole lives. People say to me, 'Do you have nightmares?' I never have nightmares! And I go to movies and see the most bizarre things in the world, and go... Wow that is really sick, how fun is that! And I don't have to carry it around. I think that's very healthy." - Stan Winston

If you went to the movies some time in the last twenty-five years, and found yourself stunned by the effects and creatures, he probably had something to do with it. Rest In Peace or whatnot.

And now it is time for me to lay my head upon the pillow, and drift away to sleep.

Q'doba forks are clearly the superior, and correct, choice.-BK

Now it's time to get it together.

I ended the sabbatical tonight. I drank a beer. Just one beer, nothing special about it. It was excellent. Party on.

Got a double on overtime tomorrow. Guess who's eating bean burritos and baby carrots all day and night.

I cancelled my long weekend of fun and debauchery in favor of working extra hours. Jesus Christ, I'm growing up!

My belly button is getting much less "deep." I'm definitely losing weight, or tightening up my abs. One of the two.

Perfection tastes a little like generic creamy peanut butter and English muffins, with a Rolling Rock.

Writing is fun.

Big industrial/metal show on Saturday night. It's two blocks from Ben Kenny HQ, so I don't have to drive or ride my bike! Did I mention I'm drinking again?! Look for me to be dressed like an extra in a Tim Burton film and leaning against something. I'll be hanging out with a few good friends, and hopefully, making a few new ones.

I never realized how awesome the rewrite of this song is/was. Kind of touching. If you're into being touched, that is. (Non existent) Lord knows I am!

Elton John - Candle in the Wind '97


7.18.07


Find me someone who doesn't enjoy the smell of their own farts, and I'll find you a goddamn liar.

Sometimes, when one is driving a truck full of chemicals, urine, and feces(peanuts and corn, too), by themselves, it's ok to fart and not enjoy the smell. Really.

Finally, this gem was on the radio in the kitchen tonight. I'd forgotten how catchy the song is, but remembered how utterly horrible the rapping is. Remembered all too well, yet I could not turn it off.

Lyte Funkie Ones bringin' it.


That's enough.

No, what we need to do is shut the fuck up, and continue watching Animal House.-BK

No chance at, or need for, redemption.

This blog is in it's purest form here. That is how I want it to ideally be seen. If you don't constantly log in to myspace or facebook, but still wish to read my words of wisdom, wit, and figurative sexual chocolate, bookmark the above link.



I fell asleep with Bjork playing a few weeks ago, and last night, I had a super-fantastic dream involving her.

I was at a party at her home, which in the dream was a two story penthouse loft in Reykjavík. The people there were all extremely unique types, but, as unique types tend to be, very shy and antisocial. I wandered away from the main room in search of some Cheetos. That's when I spotted what appeared to be a dragon.

"Hello," I said.

The dragon looked at me. It didn't look down at me, or seem to be afraid, but it merely registered my presence with the patience and understanding of the Buddha. It nodded almost imperceptibly.

"It's midnight and still sunny. Do you ever get used to that?"

Again the dragon looked at me. It did what I can only assume to be a dragonic version of a shrug.

"So, uh, does that mean you never notice?"

"No, it means he doesn't understand English. He's Icelandic, after all." said Bjork, who was wearing a gorilla suit, long ago pink, but now, more purplish from years of sweat and frantic dancing.

Michel Gondry was listening to his iPod in the corner and scrawling notes on Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana's naked back with a Sharpie.

Then, I woke up with a huge erection.

---------

Is this what became of those notes?


I am tugging at overtime's apron. Overtime is neglecting me.

When I have extra money, new art will be put on my body. August?

I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray.-BK

Once or twice.

Polar bears are adorable! This is the coolest thing in the history of ever!


Comedy was another sharp kick in the testes, but such is life. At least comedy wasn't wearing boots.

My bike ride home was extraordinary. If you don't ride bicycles, you will never, ever understand how freeing it is to pedal a bike through deserted streets at high speed. Fantastic.



I don't feel like writing anything else.

Is their such a thing as "lightly racist?"-BK

I don't wanna, but fuck it. By the way, fuck you as well!

I decided to forsake dancing this evening in favor of a little time at home. I'm rereading "IT" for about the fifth time. As a storyteller, character developer, and just plain creative mind, few can hope to ever reach the level that Stephen King was at in the seventies and eighties. Mythically great stuff.

Hey! Show tomorrow/today(Monday night). Shadow Lounge. East Liberty. Five bucks or free, depending on attendance and the will of Mo. It will be more than worth your time either way. There will be beers, waffles, and comedians. I'll be there, which is reason enough when you think about it, really.

I'm so poor that I'm playing "well, I guess it's time to eat this can of creamed corn." Its fun, but definitely not for everyone. Proceed with caution is you wanna play, as Tabasco in tomato soup with bread and butter on the side has got more kick than you might think. Trust ol' Ben on this, or try it for yourself. I just know that tonight was the first time I've cried in a good long while, and it wasn't because Webster was on.

This is classic.


I watched some rowers a-rowing this morning.

I am still not a coffee drinker.

Bikes will always be fun!

Ten million dollars to Scientology? Ay caramba!

Gonna fly now.-BK

Crossed lines.

Show went alright earlier. I was funny. Unfortunately, as is too often the case in this fair Steel City, only six people were there to witness it. Three weren't comedians. Two of those were my friends, and I thank them for coming. They know who they are, and they are cooler than most, but not cooler than me, as that is something no one can be. Ever.

Then I went home, ate some grilled cheese with some salsa, and went fuckin' dancin'! It was very fun, and sweat pooled inside of my latex gloves.

I am living on thirty dollars until Friday. Let's make magic happen!

I would like to take some time today to reiterate and confirm my undying allegiance to Coldplay. I have never seen any member of this band wear a shirt promoting any product, which I think is rad. They write and compose outstanding songs. Songs that, in this day and age of disposable pop artists, never quite seem to get old and lose their luster. They play live, without support musicians, and despite being arguably the "biggest band in the world," have a great sense of humor and retain their private lives.

Exhibit A.


Exhibit B.


Exhibit C. (Hilarious, and one of my favorite songs.)


Afraid your cool friends won't like you for liking Coldplay? Your friends aren't cool if they can't appreciate Coldplay. Kill them all!

------
My nails grow faster in the summer.

More overtime planned for this week, because I have a long weekend next weekend. I plan to loaf the fuck out of it!

I should get around to seeing that movie about the angry green man who walks somberly up the road at the end, but I am poor, so I'll wait.

Your guess is as good as mine.-BK

Parlophone.

A reader wrote to me and asked me what I hope to accomplish and/or gain with/through the blog. World domination, a cure for douchebag, and comfortable wealth aside, I'd be happy with a sloppy blow job. Takers?

In truth, I just enjoy the fact that I can take a few minutes of my day to create something.

This is cool.
Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart


Death Cab makes me want to support PBS and wear my pea coat in July. Good thing I only like small, easily controllable doses of them. Oh, and I've been down with them since way before you wear. I'm mad indie, but I'm not a pretentious dick about it. Except for just now, and other rare occasions.

It was all rainy and shitty today at work, and probably other places too, but I only noticed it at work.

I missed dancing Thursday night, and my body feels weird. What little rhythm I can call me own seems to be off a smidgen this week.

Slapsticks! tomorrow. The Shadow Lounge on Monday. Get it son!

I made a cripple/paraplegic sex joke today at work, and I felt a sense of shame. It passed quickly, but it has caused significant concern. I mean, everyone laughed, but did they laugh at the material, or the absurdity? Did they know a lot of my joking around contains truths? Don't leave me in a room alone with a retard, OK?


See it. It is, sadly, forgotten in the collective consciousness of nerds for some reason. A masterpiece!

Just livin'-BK

Do work.

I have never seen a fat turtle. Have you? Has anyone?

The average under-thinking American would say: "Ben Kenny, you stupid bastard, turtles have shells, which would obviously limit their ability to put on weight. You suck. Kill yourself."

I do not think this is true. I mean, of course their shell will limit their girth-gaining capacity, but I think there is much more to it.

Turtles are low to the ground, and do not have the range of neck movement necessary to look up, at the advertising that constantly surrounds us, even in idylic, pond scum-heavy environs. Turtles don't have iPods. Turtles are not obligated to buy rounds for their turtle/amphibian/reptillian/mammilian friends. Turtles are always fashionably late. Always. Turtles don't read Vogue, or Men's Vogue. Turtles don't have 401(k)s, yoga mats, or trouble finding wireless service.

Turtles aren't fat because turtles were the first creature to ever, ever, be "over it." Notice the turtle above. Possibly the Jeffery Lebowski of turtles. That turtle gets it, man.

Oh, the joy(s) of sweet poikilothermic oblivion!
-------
Once again, the overtime god and I seem to be getting together often. She drizzled 2.0 hours of delicious doubletime onto my eight hours of time and a half for tomorrow. Weeeee!

It is so late that it's early. The birds are awake.


I like the above song. Decent production. Nice husky, semi-soulful voice on this broad.

Ironically and tragically, there are no girls kissing in the video. It's not tragic because I'm some sort of Polo cologne wearing douchebag who lives to see that whilst drinking Coor's Light at Calico Jack's.

It's tragic because the reason there aren't girls kissing each other is because that still can't be shown on a lot of TVs in America, private or public, but we can play the song at the Gap.

Sometimes, I want to start shooting and never stop.

Shit, you best take her up on that offer, brotowski.-BK

Zero Cool lives in us all!

Hackers was on at work tonight, and I got to thinking, as I often do.

I was eleven years old when it came out, and probably saw it(and possibly my first boob) at twelve, when it hit cable in heavy rotation.

This movie was remarkably important. It essentially introduced modern electronic music to America through it's soundtrack, let us all see Angelina Jolie's boobs for that oh-so-sweet second or two, and is possibly the first use of "shitty message typing" i.e. "u" in film, among many other cool things.

My favorite quote:

The Plague: There is no right and wrong. There's only fun and boring.

This movie was all about shiny shirts, motorcycle jackets, rollerblading everywhere, illegal payphone usage, and fighting the Man.

Thankfully, rollerblading died out.

Although most of the stuff in this film is now outlandishly dated and mostly only good for a laugh, it's still a must see. The story is tight, and the film has a really cool look and pace to it. Check it out.

----

The overtime god seems to have noticed me. She exposed Herself, and offered Here supple, sweet bosom to me. It looks like I will be suckling an additional eight hours in the next few days. Perhaps even double that. The taste is good. She's groaning a little, but that is to be expected, as I am good with my teeth.

Dan Deacon - Crystal Cat


I should shower before I fall asleep, but I need to some sort of incentive to change sheets in the morning.

Dude, it's only gay if you don't get payed in trade or cash to do it. You should be alright.-BK

You can't take a mulligan if you never even try.

I watched the sunset today. I hadn't done so in a while. I sat on the edge of the belt loader and watched the daylight fade over the vast, wide open view of an orange, pleasantly cloudy sky that working at Pittsburgh International Airport affords me.

I didn't think about a thing, and I felt great.

Putting ads on Craigslist makes me feel dirty, whether I am selling a bike or looking for "special" friends. I still do it though, because my moral compass is equivalent to a GPS with low battery power.

The overtime god brushed Her hair, and I picked up a strand. 1.6 delicious hours.

I realized today that the vast majority of my artistic influences are from outside of my chosen medium. I didn't know how to interpret this. I decided to eat a cookie. I felt right as rain. Just like in the film!

Depression is something I am learning/teaching myself/reading a lot about. I most certainly am afflicted with it, along with a few other probable "disorders," but I am not going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Medication does not solve or cure depression, it only offers a mask, a veil, a buffer, etc... If I seek professional help for how I feel, I think I would be medicated for the rest of my life, and that is not a lifestyle I have any interest in living. Feelings are a part of life, of living. I wish I had better feelings more often, happier feelings, but I'm happy that I can, and do, feel despair, loneliness, sadness, and a lack of motivation. I know that I am alive this way. No matter how many chemicals I could pump into myself, I know that my synapses will always be waiting to fire. They always have been, and they always will be. Why not let them just be themselves, so to speak?

This has become a theme song for me.
Flaming Lips - Bad Days


There are 8 million morbidly obese Americans. That's 8,000,000. Fat. Interesting.

I will be rocking this hard on Saturday night.


Ok, but how about you just don't talk to me right now.-BK

Let's fly away together and start a forest fire.

It is still very hot, and I am still very sweaty.

Dane is almost completely healed, in case you guys were curious.

Years and years and years I bet.

For the love of life (in memory of...) from Robert Ridge on Vimeo.

I donated twenty dollars to these folks. They are what having a heart is all about. If you never watch the videos I post, just make sure you watch the one below.


Whatever happened to this young lady? If anyone deserved fame from reality television...

Also, great tits. We were talking about her today. My penis and I. Don't get weirded out. It was a casual conversation, as we were both clothed.

Invincible - Pat Benatar

...and with the power of conviction, there is no sacrifice.

You wouldn't believe it if someone as badass as me didn't tell you, but a raccoon gave me a smart-ass look earlier.

Short and sweet today. Sorry for the lack of words and the glut of video.

There comes a time in every man's life when he MUST poop at work.-BK

Sometimes you gotta let the Princess die.

Dancing went pretty smoothly. Relatively normal. I almost went to a rock show tonight, but decided upon dancing, as rock shows are loud, cramped, and generally not as fun as dancing has the unlimited potential to potentially be.

Challenge convention.

The Zip Code, Area Code, 49 out of 50 governors, and fucking Golden Gate Bridge are all younger.

Radha Mitchell, Naomi Watts, Joan Jett, or Kim Basinger for the girls. Prince, hands down, for the men. I'm voting for Joan and The Purple One.

I need to hit overtime like Ike needed to hit Tina. Unfortunately, overtime is a not happening, hence, I am depressed and eating peanut butter and jelly, cereal, and bean burritos. I need a role in my own personal Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome to turn shit around.

I hope it doesn't smell like pee tomorrow.

Creme soda sucks.-BK

If herpes had a sound, it would be similar to Kid Rock.

Ugh. I hate it when you clean off in the shower, get out, and start sweating immediately because of all the humidity in your closet-sized bathroom.

New Ben Kenny man rule: If it's above 85 degrees, I'm free balling. You know, "going commando." Basically, I'm opening the windows and letting the wind go through my loins.

Plotting my return to the day shift for the month of July. I'm looking forward to eating breakfast before eleven in the morning again.

In case you're racist, or just want to vote for someone with an actual agenda that makes sense, Ron Paul is still running.

I'm super excited about attending Pittsburgh Pride this year. I missed it last year. Few things on this earth, that are non sexual in nature, are more fun than attending a Pride parade! Except for maybe watching this...



There are 10.2 million views of the above clip. There's no way ten million people watched that clip, I'd say more like a million people watched it 10.2 times each. Sad, lonely, pathetic fuckheads like me and now, you.

This is too rad for words. Get out of your computer chair and DANCE!!!

Technologic - Daft Punk


Hosting at Slapsticks Saturday. I'm looking forward and pushing through, getting stronger. Let's take some artistic risks.

Hot indeed.-BK

I don't care.

Very hot. Very, very hot. It is not cool to wake up covered in sweat. Not cool. I might take to sleeping in the basement.

Working on Saturday night is something I don't often do. I remember why now. Because it's Saturday night, and I could be doing something else. Gee, I am not smart.

I've abandoned my Peter Murphy concert attendance plans in order to save finances in anticipation of Nine Inch Nails shows this summer. I'm hoping to hit Cleveland, Philadelphia, and maybe Colorado. Sleeping in the car. Rock and roll. I really want to see this tour because I have an inkling there won't be many more.



This is Josh Freese. He plays drums in the live incarnation of Nine Inch Nails. He plays the drums better and more naturally than most people breath and walk. He hits very hard. He brings the thunder. He has played on more than 200 records, and is considered a member of three separate bands. He's one of the main reasons I will be seeing NIN this summer. Incredible musicianship. There is even a rumor that he is capable of playing "The Perfect Drug" which is very gnarly. We shall see.


Christopher Meloni is pretty damn awesome. Besides kicking pedophile ass on NBC, he also raped dudes on a little show called Oz, which was really cool. Here he is being funny:

Wet Hot American Summer. Nobody saw this movie, which is a shame, as it's hilarious in ways Adam Sandler movies can only hope to be.


Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Neil Patrick Harris was the big scene stealer, but Meloni was fantastic.
"hey randy!
what?
the devil!
huh?
the devil is everywhere!"




I was discussing this video and song online with an Indian girl(she actually lives in India) with whom I occasionally play chess. This is an extremely well made video, from an extremely excellent album, from an EXTREMELY underrated band, Hole. I saw them play with Marilyn Manson and I was rather surprised at their ass kicking abilities. Courtney Love certainly catches a lot of shit, some deserved, and some not so deserved, but one thing is certain. She is a more than capable front lady and songwriter. Also, Melissa Auf der Maur was in this band. Mmmm... tasty!

Hole-Malibu


I smell like burly.

Let's go get some pizza, brother from another family.-BK

Villa Reale

Show went awkwardly tonight. It was alright though. In Pittsburgh, you take what you can get. Unfortunately, I got severely thrown off course and terminated my set before I did much more damage to my psyche. It was one of the worst sets I've done in Pittsburgh. I guess that's how it is. The ebb and flow of comedy is such a bitch to deal with. This was probably the most I'd wanted to get drunk since I gave up drinking a few weeks ago now. I was so close to ordering a beer. So fucking close. I am mad at myself for wearing shorts, wearing a shirt with a business on it, and for failing in general. The four mile bike ride and sweat did not help things either.



This is Bill Blair. It's Bill's fourth time doing stand-up. Bill Blair is very, very, very funny. He has a great connection with the crowd, and a very laid back, cool style of delivery. I guess you could describe his comedy as "smooth."

I hope Bill sticks with it, because we don't have enough comics of his age and race. I'm not saying old and African American, I'm saying either. This town needs more diversity in it's comedians. 70% of us seem to be in our twenties, white, and of similar socioeconomic backgrounds. Now back to the show...



Greg Gerken is pretty funny. I'd seen him around a few times but never paid his comedy much attention. After tonight, I will start to watch him throw down. That's what Greg did tonight, he threw down. He came out after I ate shit and turned the room into his bitch. Great crowd work.



Mitch Mekulsia is new to Pittsburgh, and is still getting a little used to the lack of energy and attention a lot of our crowds are famous for. I really like to watch Mitch, because as a veteran and a smart comic, his routine is truly original and well put together.



The host and organizer was none other than world famous local comic Steve Swanson. He was hosting, so he did not do a full set, but he was funny while he was up.

After the show, Steve asked if I wanted to go with him to see moe. play a free show a few blocks from the venue. We caught the last half hour or so. I'd never seen moe. before, but I'd heard a bit about them. Not my particular taste in music, but very tight onstage. Their audience seems to be mostly undergraduates smoking pot, none of whom shared any with Steve, which made him very, very sad. There was enough scraggly facial hair and torn clothing at this show to give Pittsburgh's homeless a chance to look around and feel "normal." Come to think of it, I should have taken a picture.

I gotta work tomorrow, in the morning. Goddamn it.


Strange, sweaty, socially awkward things are afoot at the Circle K.

You're in the Strip District.-BK

He eats Funyuns all the time.

I recently switched to Old Spice brand body wash. On it's own, that fact is not very newsworthy. However, I have been using Mitchum brand deodorant. Together, these two give off an incredibly manly scent. So what's the big deal, what's the kicker, you ask? Well, later, when I wake up, I'm seriously considering buying some Brut brand cologne. One day, when time travel is perfected(you know it already exists as well as I do) I will travel back to the year 1972 A.D. and I will simultaneously fistfight Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, and Steve McQueen. I will steal the Bullitt Mustang from Steve McQueen and drink whiskey from a flask I took from Lee Marvin, who took it from a kraut he beat to death with brass knuckles during the war. When Charles Bronson regains consciousness, I'll tell him that three Death Wish films are pushing it, and four and five are just sad. What? You already learned about that in Pop Culture class at your liberal arts college? Well then, I've fucking done it!

I really am going to wear all three scents in the near future. When I walk through Oakland(shitty Pittsburgh Oakland, not California Oakland, which is rather shitty too) ironic flowers on the porches of student tenements will whither and die, women will gain 20 pounds and smoke Virginia Slims, and the steel mills will all reopen.

I was going to hyperlink some of the above products and people, but if you don't know who or what they are, there is nothing I can do for you. Kill yourself, but try to kill Miley Cyrus in the process. I don't necessarily want her dead, I just want to be entertained.

Bruce Campbell endorses Old Spice. If it's fuckin' good enough for Bruce Campbell, it's fuckin' good enough for me. Probably too good for you, the reader, though. You see, Mr. Campbell and Mr. Kenny are pretty tough, badass dudes.



These four guys could hang with Bruce and myself.

This guy would be welcome as well.


See, I told you didn't have what it takes.

My balls filed a report from the field earlier. According to them, it's quite humid.

Dancing was a non-thing today. Dead floor.

Well, Philly is just gonna have to blow me.-BK

We are sleeping, oh, we are sleeping.

The Pittsburgh Penguins didn't win the Stanley Cup. I am very bummed, n'at. Or something.

Good thing we have other stuff besides athletic teams and low property values. I mean, we are the sootiest city in America. Take that, you Motor City fuck! Take that, Southern California! We won through stagnation and inactivity, something we seem to be very good at, when we're not coaching hockey from our barstools/desk chairs, later to waddle drunk, with bellies full of finger food to the car, that is.

I've been super heavy into Tool's Lateralus album this week. I like to sit and listen to the drumming. It's fantastic. I recommend you take some time to listen to Tool, if you haven't already. Listen though. Just listen. Really. Listen. To. The. Music. To the composition. To the flow. To perfection!

They have always been artists as well as musicians. Not artists in a pretentious rockstar way either. They create, design, and direct their own videos, and never bother to show themselves, because they understand that they function as a whole. This is why their lead singer sings from beside the drummer during their shows, instead of being centerstage. It's about the unit, the composition. Their genius is so vast some can't even recognize and/or acknowledge it. No one sounds like them. No one ever has. No one ever will.

This is "Parabola" It is ten minutes of sonic perfection. Listen! Focus!!! LISTEN.




Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.

---
I've taken to eating with my shirt off, as a way to dissuade myself from eating too much, and also, to better regulate the amount of pop I consume through the shame of negative body image Pavlovian conditioning. The other customers at the McKnight Road Taco Bell are usually too polite to say anything. The end goal is the replacement of self-loathing with complete narcissism. It's gonna take a me a good long while, but I'm committed.

It was hot today. Not really. It was humid, but because I went to public school, I often think they are the same thing.

I'm a Company man, I don't give a fuck! Let's do it!-BK

I don't even play football on Nintendo.

Dear Hillary,

I am very happy that you are not going to be President of the United States of America. It's not because you're a woman, or because you've whored yourself out to every special interest lobbyist in Washington. I wasn't even really bothered by dirty campaign tactics, or the pandering to a base too apathetic to realize that life is never going to return to what it was when they were young. It's because you are a facade, a machine, a shell of a person. If you were really a strong woman, you would've divorced your husband while he was still governor of Arkansas. If you were a good American, a patriot, per se, you would question where and how the hundreds of billions of dollars of the American people's money goes to in regards to Iraq.

Well, I hope the private speaking circuit treats you well. Maybe you will finally be able to afford some better looking/fitting clothes. May I suggest some corrective surgery as well?

You shouldn't be Vice President either, although I believe you could give Dick Cheney a run for his money in the "damn, what an evil motherfucker" department.

In closing, I hope you cry yourself to sleep tonight.

Ben Kenny
American Citizen

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty.

Since I had the day off, I decided to take in a movie. It was Baby Mama. I wish I could remember much about it, but fifteen minutes in, I started writing a highly pornographic mental love story involving Tina Fey, myself, the costumes from Willow, wrought iron fence or gate, and Lloyd Bridges. Yes, I know he's dead. It's a fantasy. Leave me alone.


"Sorry about asking if Jimmy Fallon is as big a douche in real life as he is on TV."

"Ha Ha ha that's awesome! I'd love to get my glasses for free. What do you mean Journey doesn't 'put you in the mood?!' "

Tina Fey had best hope we never meet. I would fog her glasses. That's not a euphemism or anything, because I am not using that to replace a dirty or suggestive idea. It is part of the dirty or suggestive idea.

Lisa Loeb could come!

----
I bought some ice cube trays today.

My tire has metal cords showing through. Time to replace it, I suppose. Or maybe, I'll wreck my car so hard that it's totally destroyed, and I'll get a motorcycle with skulls! Skulls are really cool.

Dinner was oodles of fun. I wasn't that hungry, so I just paid 8 bucks for some fried cheese and lukewarm marinara.

Kill Hannah plays Pittsburgh next month. I saw them about 7 or 8 times back when I was a highschool student and they were a struggling local Chicago band. Now they're playing Pittsburgh. I think it's some sort of demotion, but I could be mistaken. It has been known to happen.

Gas at 4.01. The bike is it from now on.

The good thing about Vegas? Well, I guess there aren't people like you there, Jesusboy.-BK

The Prodigy, or just Prodigy?

Here's some random internet bullshit I occasionally fill out. Normal blather and banter immediately after...

Was the last person you kissed physically attractive?
Very much so.

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
Adrian, my boss and an all-around rockin' dude.

What were you doing at 7am?
Sleeping blissfully.

What was the last reason you cried?
Self-pity and weak will.

What are you seriously wearing?
My glasses. Nothing else.

Have you ever driven without a license?
Yes.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
Oh yes, it's like stocking up on ammunition for future conversations!

How many red lights have you ran?
Hundreds.

Is there anything that you are craving for right now?
Licorice. Red Vines.

What did you do last night?
DANCED!!!

Do you drink tea?
Yes, I prefer it iced, but hot is also quite nice.

Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Three or four people I work with.

What jewelry are you wearing?
None at all.

Do you clean when you’re upset?
Ha ha ha, pssh, clean?

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
Never say never, but not likely at all.

Red or green apples?
Red

Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?
I don't believe so.

What are you looking forward to?
The future.

Do you talk to the person you like?
I like a bunch of people, and I speak to some more so than others, but, uh, yes. Yes I do.

What are you listening to?
The Cure

Any plans for tomorrow?
Day off. Dinner with large, rowdy group of friends.

Any plans for today?
Sleeping and maybe pee again.

Do you still talk to the person who broke your heart the worst?
Never had my heart broken.

Are you a flirt?
In my own weird, socially awkward way, I suppose.

Have you ever made out with someone you weren't dating?
Yup.

Has anybody on your top friends ever admitted to liking you?
I would hope they ALL like me. I like them.

Whats the one thing that always gets you through a bad day?
Thoughts of spree-killings.

Would you kiss an ugly person for $1,000?
For less.

What are you doing right now?
Laying in bed browsing the web. Pens are still in it. Meh.

Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings?
Nope. I bottle it in and and explode at them.

Do your initials spell out a word?
They do not.

When is the last time you talked to an ex?
Two or three days ago. Friendly IM conversation.

How often do you give high fives?
Two or three times a week when I'm excited that someone is cool.

Where is the last place you went to go eat?
Taco Bell four or five days ago. 79 cent cheese roll?!

Have you bought any clothing items in the past week?
I Social Distortion shirt and some shorts. All my other shorts have cargo pockets for some reason. "Nobody's gotten laid in cargo shorts since 'Nam."-Superbad

Do you sing in the shower?
I do indeed.

Where is the last place you went shopping?
Shop n' Save. The first part is true, at least.

Did you enjoy your last kiss?
Yes

Have you ever been on television?
Briefly. Thankfully, that sketch artist was WAY off.

Do you trust people easily?
No

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Adrian.

Looking forward to something this weekend?
I suppose.

----------------
Drawers are overrated.

Once I finish laundry, I fold it, and place piles of it near locations that are suitable for the application of the clothes when the time comes to wear them.

Here's how I roll:

I put my underwear near the bathroom, as I put it on upon my mid-morning wake-up, right after I pee, but before I brush.

My work clothes are always on my bedroom floor.

Socks are on top of the big dresser.

Shoes by the door, wallet in right shoe, work ID in the left.

Car keys on backpack.

Civilian clothes are usually folded and placed wherever, but not in a drawer usually.

----------

I put some Mexican cheese on a pizza tonight and my mouth had an orgasm. Six times.

I feel a mall excursion is imminent, but I will do all I can to fight the urge. I need more black shirts and maybe some new kicks. I want red Converse.

I get to eat real Italian food tomorrow/today, and I am very excited. I like real Italian food, and not only because I am fat and slovenly.

Iron Maiden is not the best music to write to, but I cannot change the fact that I like to rock!

I have been working out less, but reading more about working out. I believe I will retool my workout for the summer months.

Random archive picture. The orange shirt is a trusted friend.

I'm living for the Eighties!-BK

All your ducks in a row.

Some days, I wish I had to poop more.

I do about twenty-five percent of my reading in the bathroom, and some days I just don't get to read more than five or six pages of the book I'm working on. It's a good thing I have a sharp memory and a penchant for killing hours at the park, under a tree, my bike napping contentedly beside me.

Which reminds me, I need to wash my bike.

I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow, because I want to. No extremely special reason. I just feel like not working tomorrow.

Dane is healing slowly. It's kind of like an inverted scab. Still hurts a good bit, but he has not reopened himself in two days, so hopefully no more bloodstained pillowcases in the morning.

Dancing was fun yesterday. It was only one other person and myself, but the tunes were especially tasty, it was nice and dark, and very cool and not smoky at all. I am actually having way more fun dancing sober than I thought I would be. I did drink water though, but I didn't have to pee at all. Sweaty and gross. I love "sweating through" clothing, whether I'm riding a bike, working, or dancing. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. That's weird, but whatever.

In fact, I have decided to extend the self-imposed booze sabbatical indefinitely. It wasn't about getting drunk everyday, it was about getting totally obliterated everyday, and I suspect that's not too healthy, so until certain private aspects of my life are more pleasing and manageable, I will not be drinking.

I am writing my first parody song, to the tune of "Love Song," by the Sara Barielles(sp?) I heard this song 9 times during my shift the other day, and just began writing alternate verses off the top of my shiny noggin. The title and main chorus? "Not gonna write you a dick joke." It's a fun little exercise, nothing more.

Wait a fucking minute! Shania Twain's husband cheated on her? Why?! That's like, possibly the dumbest act a man has ever committed!

This is an oldie but oh, so, so goodie!


Look for me there. I'll be the one who's totally awesome.-BK

Made with real cheese.

Dancing was alright yesterday, although my left knee seems to be protesting all the increased physical activity. I have been biking, working my ass off, and dancing quite a bit lately. As more lard departs my midsection, perhaps my knee will complain less. I danced for barely an hour, but the mix was good, so I was content with doing what I felt safe and comfortable doing.

While chilling at my usual table, I noticed The Exorcist was playing on the TVs. Even if forced to read subtitles, it is still a benchmark film. Not a benchmark horror film. A benchmark film, period. If you haven't seen it in it's full, uncut, unedited glory, you really, really need to. It is so disturbing.

Same very tame dialogue from the only movie I've ever heard the word "cunting" in:

Pazuzu: I'm not Regan.
Father Damien Karras: Well, then let's introduce ourselves. I'm Damien Karras.
Pazuzu: And I'm the Devil. Now kindly undo these straps.
Father Damien Karras: If you're the Devil, why not make the straps disappear?
Pazuzu: That's much too vulgar a display of power, Karras.

Today I found out I could have had the day off, which would have made it possible for me to have been in California this weekend for my cousin's wedding. I was not pleased.

Comedy show Friday at Villa Reale in dilapidated, dirty, and economically depressed downtown Pittsburgh! 7pm. Buy me a slice o' cheese, and maybe some garlic bread. By now you must surely know I drink Mountain Dew.

The Cup is not leaving Detroit. Evidently their Italian sausage is better than our Italian sausage or something. I really have no idea how it works. I did almost hit about 20 drunk, obese, and identically dressed hockey fans on my way into the city last night, so perhaps Pittsburghers are just collectively dumber than our Michigan rivals?

I've been thinking of taking aerobics...


He had a very "dead cat" kind of vibe to him.-BK