If it deploys, you will fucking die. Literally.

Eight glorious, fun-filled hours of classroom training for the second job today. It was immensely boring, as I already possess most of the skills and knowledge required, as I need them for the "first" job. It was nice to be reminded that sitting in school sucks and is mostly pointless though, lest I someday get tempted to go back to college due to societal pressure. You can't do shit with a college degree. It's a myth. You do shit with skills acquired and perfected through doing shit, not learning about shit. I may not have ever taken a "parental rights in the modern workplace" elective, but I do have the ability to lift heavy ass shit and use heavy machinery, which people still look for, believe it or not.

Anyways, we had to watch a harassment education video, which sounds awesome on the surface, but was actually about why harassment is bad and could get you or the employer sued and whatnot. It was not fun, and all I could think about was how the host of the video would be way hotter if she wore a tighter skirt and unbuttoned her blouse a little bit. I am not destined for a management career.

Smooth like olive oil buttered wheat toast. Just about as tasty too! Zero 7. British electro/trip-hop.


I had an absolutely horrible dream last night. It was horrible, terror-filled. Shit, it was like putting Fall Out Boy into dream form! I do believe it had something to do with the twenty minutes of Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector I watched shortly before departing Chicago. In my defense, ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I was writing stuff, and was unaware of just exactly what it was that I had on the television...

The movie was so bad that no one even bothered to really write any trivia for it on it's IMDB page. Or maybe it's just that the majority of his fans only have access to a computer at their local library, high school, or county jail. I kid.

Yes, the next time you see me, you can punch me twice. Once for watching the film, even unwittingly, and again for using the word "blogosphere." Douchey as charged!

Burly like that female gym teacher we all once had. The last clip will alter your perception of the word "ballsy."


New Year's Eve. I'll be sleeping. Hopefully you'll be spending the evening with a loved one, or just somebody with a moist and welcoming hole or two and a supply of liquor to thrust away the hours with until yet another dawn breaks. Remember though, you never need a date on a calendar to effect change in your life. Look within, and if you don't find the strength, do some coke, and get back to me in a few days.

It's a spree.-BK

Knife Party.

Need shows for January. Comics, get at me if you got time.

For the children. For. the. children. C.R.E.A.M.ed corn?


My body is getting used to eating it's "regular" food again after gorging for a week. It's not happy about it, but it'll deal with it if it knows what's good for it.

Hey you! You read this crap everyday. Why not write some of your own crap? I know a lot of creative people who don't use one of the simplest creative forms... WRITE SOMETHING!

Bristol Palin had her kid yesterday. Slut.

That was inappropriate. Sluts are smart enough to use protection, and gutsy enough to terminate unwanted pregnancies. Bristol Palin is a product of neglectful, poor parenting skills, sluts just like to fuck, usually preferring to destroy lives instead of recklessly creating them.

Sometimes, my more hip, urbanized friends will say "what's good?" in greeting, and I will respond "Cinnamon Toast Crunch." They will realize that I am not as cool as they are. I will continue with life mostly unaware.

Corky from Life Goes On is forty-three! The world is aging around me! Getting old/growing up is so weird. It's actually happening to me! Scary.

I am looking rather forward to getting back to working Wednesday. This is probably the longest span of time I've had off since 2005 or so. I'm not bored, but I like the routine of work. Besides actually working, my workdays consist of a lot stuff I enjoy, like eating food, writing material, watching cable television, and wandering around aimlessly. This very blog is rooted in being a product of downtime at work, in fact.

I've been listening to Deftones a super duper lot lately, mostly because it looks like they may be near their end, but also because they are a fresh breath, even if you're listening to something they put out ten years ago.


In an attempt to put my body back onto a normal work-related sleeping schedule, I got about three hours of sleep last night. Hope to be in bed by nine tonight.

Fuck you, they're the best!


It's nice country out there.-BK

Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.

So fucking good to be back in Pittsburgh. So fucking good. Written without irony or spitefulness.

It was nice to visit the house that I grew up in, but so painfully apparent that it's no longer my house.

It was nice to see family.

It was nice to see a friend, and I apologize to the down-ass muthafuckas whose messages I didn't return. I was trying to keep the trip as stress-free as possible, which for me means relative isolation and precious solitude, which was rare with the noise of eight people in a home, in addition to the constant yammering of the voices in my head.

I think I may very well have seen my dog for the last time and it sucks. It was the only "not nice" part of the trip. Sucks hard.

When you give the world your art without compromise, audiences will emerge.


I had one of those deeply introspective, non-drunk airplane thinking sessions yesterday night. I would tell you what I thought about, what I pondered, and what elevated my heart rate, but the concepts themselves would make your head feel pretty much the same as it does before your read this sentence. I will say this: I am stronger in resolve and more motivated than ever before. It is time to pursue a dream that I didn't know I had until a few years ago with things I'm still not sure I have. I know that I haven't failed already.

Looks like the fabled second job has fallen into place. Things are working out nicely, and the future is becoming closer to tangible.

This is a "day maker" for sure!


Badonkadonk city dude.-BK

Post-apocalyptic science fiction film.

It's nice to dance until well after 2 AM in a smoke-free environment. It even sort of justifies the exhorbitant North Side Chicago drink prices. Oh well. The music was perfect. Perfect.

I think I've watched Waterworld about eight times over the course of this trip. Dennis Hopper rules.

I watched Deep Impact yesterday. Morgan Freeman just might be the best "movie president."

In Pittsburgh tonight. Need my own bed very badly.

Look for some better writing soon. Too relaxed and complacent right now.

Anytime!-BK

Kraut.

Airport too crowded. Stop. Am stuck in Chicago for another day. Stop. Supply of cheesy rice remains strong. Stop. -BK Stop.

Full ice cream cake.

My return to Pittsburgh, to home, is on the horizon.

It's been fun here though. Lots of food, drink, and family that you don't see a whole lot.

Dancing was super duper fun the other night. Had to abandon my original destination, but I quickly found a suitable alternative. Good music and a bunch of people there to, in the words of the fabulous Lady Gaga, just dance.

I do have a bitch of a blister on my heel though. It formed while wearing borrowed shoes, and was rubbed into perfection over the evening of dancing. It hurts in a really bothersome, annoying way.

Ever see the Perfect Pushup ads? What a load of shit! You still have to exert yourself! What the fuck!?

Unbelievable levels of cool.


Money clips are overrated.-BK

Ireland forever.

Merry whatever or nothing. Keep it real like Ralphie today.



Old ass video of yours truly. I'm a bit fatter and sloppier, but it's nice to look back and see how far along I've come...


Forty members of my family coming over to hang out today. Since I haven't seen most of them in a few years, I'm looking forward to it, somewhat.

I have been able to get a bit of writing and conceptualizing done. I really want to fire out a TV spec script in the next month or so, just to get the formatting and general tone down a bit better.

I keep it real. While I enjoy and love stand-up comedy, I believe that I have a better shot of "making it" using my writing and creative abilities, so I would like to keep honing those as best I can. While my approach to comedy is somewhat unique in a town like Pittsburgh, I know that there are probably a hundred people, some better, some my peers, most worse, doing what I do in NYC, so I need to diversify. I keep it real.

Looks like The Wrestler isn't playing anywhere in Chicago either! What the fuck! Wait... it's downtown! Maybe tomorrow morning if I'm not totally hungover. No, nevermind. Far too many after-Christmas shopping drones about town tomorrow. Goddamnit!

I live to party is often perused by the infamous BK, who also pretty much lives to party, when his budget and work schedule allow for it. This is why I want to be wealthy. I just want to get gnar-crazy all night long and sleep during the day. Forever and ever.

Don't matter if it's a gay bar.-BK

Championship Vinyl.

I was thirteen years old when this movie came out. I thought, and still think, it's the closest I've ever come to identifying with a character on screen...(Except for Buffalo Bill. Not the showman Buffalo Bill either, the other one.)


Spending time in the house you grew up in after a sustained absence is magical in an abstract, sort-of-surreal way. Familiar sights, smells, sounds, just a comfortable environ, as long as you can manage the dosage of family.

You see, I've grown comfortable and familiar with the solitary and silent confines of my home in Pittsburgh, and being around conversation and any number of random noises of my parents' home is trying my nerves already. I've been here less than 48 hours. Luckily, there's booze.

I will say this: There are few things in life that can bring you back like pooping in/on the toilet you grew up pooping in. The magazines have changed from Ride BMX to People, but it's a sameness found few other places in life, besides the shower two feet from the shitter. The water pressure in the shower is like that too. You instantly know the pressure on your back, and you can set the temperature by feel alone.

These things make it much harder, much more startling, and just plain tougher to watch my dog move around the house.

He probably won't make it to summer. I fear that when I say goodbye to him upon my embarkation, it will be the last time I see him, and that I will be saying goodbye forever, for good. His hind legs are getting lame. He has trouble standing up and sitting down, and stairs are a challenge for him. He barks at random things in the house, which is hilarious at first, but quickly loses it's luster. His hearing is shot. In essence, he's dying, just a little bit at a time. Big bummer. Very sad.

My mother keeps pie filling in spare bedrooms. I find this very odd. Excrutiatingly odd, actually. Is this new, or something I never noticed growing up?

I do know that she made me a big bowl of vegetarian chili, which is hella-cool. I mean it. Hella-fucking-cool.

I need to dance sometime this week. Likely tonight. Deep house and or electro/synth-pop preferably, but I'll settle for disco, or fucking make due with current Top 40 if I must.

----

Is this my web video of the year!? Will my camera be fixed under warranty, or will I need to curtail my beer budget in order to further my YouTube career? What's that smell? Stay tuned for a future edition to find out!


I am currently living roughly akin to one of those Arab nomadic kings. Instead of a tent in the dessert and a harem, I've got Direct TV and a refrigerator and freezer so full of food, pop, and beer that I can't see the sides or the back. So sweet.

I've been watching movie channels like a proverbial motherfucker. Superbad, Peaceful Warrior, Brokeback Mountain, Big Love, Tales from the Crypt, Planet Terror, etc...

I did watch The Brothers Solomon today. All of it. So horrible. Disgusting, actually. Worst movie I've ever seen, and lord knows I've seen a lot.

Why couldn't the fire keep burning?!


You know I'm hitting up my old spot.-BK

Tasty!

I went to the mall to buy pants yesterday. Pants for me, jeans actually. I knew it to be an unwise idea, but I had the time, so I decided to kill it in the most painful way possible. Anyways, I spent about half an hour after I finished shopping walking down aisles in the parking lot, looking as if my car was just ahead, and then cutting suddenly to two or three aisles over, just to aggravate the person following me down the aisle in hopes of taking my spot. In many ways, I've never left grade school.

My parents have DirectTV. So far, I've gathered the following:

-Jon Stewart. Still way funnier than Colbert.

-Fox Movie Channel. Yesssss! and Noooooo!

-HD football(or anything) looks dumb on a regular TV.

There is a lot of food to eat over the next week. This is a working vacation.

Glade's newest holiday fragrance.-BK

The fuselage buckled and tore.

Yesterday was the first day of the year that I was officially cold at work. Quite suitably, it was also the first day of Winter. Working outside, you learn through trial and air(pun intended) about dressing for the weather. I was dressed adequately yesterday, and I was still very cold. It's never the cold alone that's a problem, as cold is easy to plan for, but the wind. It was so windy yesterday. The wind cut through my clothing and woolen undergarments, and seemed to attack my very core. I was not a happy camper.

Then I went home, took a shower, dressed in different clothes, and went dancing. And it was good.

Making travel preparations. Nothing further.

They see your every move.-BK

I was looking at myself. I was blind. I could not see.

In life, the only really shameful thing is being too afraid to try, not losing.

Some of the straight up best driving I've ever seen. Insane precision and control! I love the editing and camera angles on this as well. WATCH IT!


My bruised and battered physical shell, otherwise known as my body, is doing a little better. Need to eat healthier, walk or ride my bike to more places, and get back on supplements, that's for sure. My weight has stagnated, which may be the winter, or may be my ridiculous consumption of Mountain Dew, beer, and coffee amongst other, more solid forms of nourishment.

Reading some interesting books on writing theory. I've somewhat fallen away from reading for pleasure over the last five or six years. I guess it no longer was enjoyable, but now I seem to be getting that old satisfying feeling of "knowledge gained" again.

I've never been a believer in school, but I'm a huge believer in acquiring knowledge. I don't believe in being "taught" in the traditional sense, I believe in finding a mentor willing to show you and help you reach your potential. This is probably a key to the origin of my deep disdain for religion.

(Preachy, self-indulgent diatribe deleted by the author.)

Sorry I got all philosophical for a minute there, I watched The Fountain last night.


"Death is the road to awe."

What a fantastic film. You have to be willing not only to sit and watch, but also to listen with all your senses, and to imagine. So brilliant.

It was directed by Darren Aronofsky, who's currently getting overshadowed in the press by Mickey Rourke concerning The Wrestler, his latest film. I really hope it plays in Pittsburgh, as I am a HUGE fan of both Mickey Rourke and Darren Aronofsky.

I'm somewhat looking forward to Aronofsky's reboot of RoboCop. Could go either way at this point.

Wednesday morning will find me on a plane to Chicago. I'm pretty much indifferent to the whole "home for holidays" thing. I know it makes my mother happy, which in turn makes my father happy, so I'm obligated by a sense "owing them" to do it. I am happy at the prospect of seeing my dog, Otis, though. In fact, I've been greatly looking forward to seeing him, as it's been roughly six months. Anyways, I don't know how long I'm planning to stay for, so if you want to grab a beer, some coffee and pie, or go out searching for a thrill kill, message me in the appropriate manner, and we'll see if I'm up for it.

I'm working the afternoon shift today, and my post-work energy levels will dictate whether or not I'll be dancing later. Fuck it, I'll go, because I'm off for seven days after tonight. Moderation is for pussies.

Speaking of moderation, I've been giving serious thought to the cessation of drinking. Again. I spend a significant amount of money on it, and seem to be unique in the fact that drinking actually makes me far less social of a person, depending on my mood.

Also, every time I've been drinking of late, I've been drinking until I'm drunk, which is not healthy. Not to mention killing a lot of my late night "creating sessions," which is where a lot of my ideas are taken from concept to production. Not good on many levels.

---

Steelers/Browns next Sunday. I'm gonna try to get inside for it. Strangely, I hate watching football on television. Fucking hate it. With a passion, actually, but I enjoy the experience of being there live, whether it's the NFL or the kids next door. I still hate to play it, or most other team sports, though, make no mistakes.

Heard this while listening to a mystery mix CD,(which I initially assumed to be fetish porn) that I discovered living in sonic sin with my camping equipment. I like her. She has a heavy Sarah Silverman vibe going. Attractive.


Booking shows for January. Don't care about money. Don't care about location. Just care about exposure and progression. Move forward or die.

I think the reason that the Eighties are still so culturally relevant and fresh in our minds is largely because of how the music continues to pulsate in our heads. It was unarguably the best decade for pure pop music. Although I was only alive for six years of it, it's music is like an old familiar friend.

GREAT SONG! Really rad performance. Possibly my favorite U2 song. Post-punk rules!


You shit. Fuck you man. You've usurped my flow, you bitch. Damn you and your whole lineage!-BK

This is going to be horrible.

Work tonight. Then late night grocery shopping. I will go home after that, and while cooking up whatever I just bought, I'll do dishes and clean my kitchen. This is the only true way to spend a Saturday night.

Goddamn there are a lot of douches in the South Side. If I only had a flamethrower and more willpower.

The show last night was what it was. Definitely not good, but not at all bad either. It strengthens you as a comic.

Cute animal videos today. I'm fresh out of ruminations.




Bla Bla Bla,-BK

It's a fire inside, burning hot, burning wild.

Called off work yesterday. Because I only managed to sleep an hour. Because I was/am in pain. My back, right shoulder, right thumb and ring finger, left knee, and left wrist all hurt. All of these things are manageable one, two, or even three at a time, but when they come at me at once, I give it the ol' "fuck it" and take a day off for some Ben time. I guess it's always Ben time, really, but you get the gist.

I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like, 'excuse me?', and I'm like, 'Shhh, I can't hear Keanu.' - One of the best comedians working today, Zach G.(not going to attempt to spell it).

Goddamn the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still was unremarkable. It was just a lot of really weak attempts at social commentary performed by stereotypical characters. Weak and uninspired feeling. This movie should've came out in July, it was just popcorn fare. Keanu Reeves, wooden and zombielike as always, was the best part of this movie.

Shout out to Tom Musial for shouting me out on his blog. You always gotta "holla back" at a shout out. It's the eighteenth rule of Fight Club. Oh shit, I just broke the first and second rules! Anyhow, I like Tom Musial very, very much. In a town where many of the comedians are under thirty and just beginning life, Tom is in the early to middle of his, and comedy from his perspective is something Pittsburgh needs more of. Badly. Very badly.

(At this point, Ben Kenny leaves the Blogger window, opening another window, heading to YouTube, and enters "Tom Musial" into the search bar. He finds nothing, and is somewhat upset.)

This was playing on iTunes while on YouTube looking for the elusive Musial footage. Since none presented itself, here ya go.


Work on the end of the year/best of post has begun. It's going to be unnecessarily long and wordy, and probably more than a little preachy, but you'll read it, because my opinion matters.

I never really learned how to use a semicolon. I mean, I'm sure I learned the proper way and technique in high school, but all my English classes were in the early morning, and I was most likely stoned during that lesson. I do remember 9/11 happening during second period English my senior year. I was stoned, and thought the concept of a plane crashing into the WTC tower was sort of cool, until I realized it was an actual passenger jet, and had my buzz taken from me. That's why I hate terrorists. They ruined the high of Ben Kenny. Dude, not cool. Dude.

Speaking of things colonic,(in the literary sense) please note: BEN KENNY NO LONGER USES ANY DRUGS WHATSOEVER. But he will when he is independently wealthy enough to! Insert "winky" emoticon for yourself, dick. Thank you.

Exclamation point! Question mark? The Sword is coming to Pittsburgh! THE SWORD!!!!!

Staggeringly awesome use of patterns in this composition.

Show last night at the New Amsterdam was well attended, and not only by comedians either! I wish I could've done somewhat of a better set, but I went to my "default table" and just focused on making them laugh. Thanks and props to Steve Swanson for putting it together. Hopefully it will be going strong after the New Year.

Show tonight at The Smiling Moose. It's looking like I'm hosting. I'm stoked to be hosting! It's a rare treat for me. I actually am beginning to enjoy it, as it's still performing, but a nice break from the normal, established routine that we all work.

Yes! Oh God Yes!


I'm indifferent to apathy.-BK

Perpetual. Like a cat.

I had one of those days at work yesterday. The kind of day that makes you really want to just destroy your environment, and then say "you can't fire me, I QUIT!" but then my friend hooked me up with some pizza, and everything turned sunny and warm.

Las Vegas. Snow. Enough to close the airport there, as they have zero capability to deice aircraft. This meant that my evening in Pittsburgh(barring the pizza) was not too much fun.

Here's a piece of baggage handler advice: If a wheelchair is carrying a large person, no matter the disability/level of sloth involved, it is bound to be heavy as well. This should go without saying, but I'm stupid. I went to pick up a 250 pound wheelchair like it was a walker and practically tore my back in half. Growl. Grunt. Frown. Pills.

Hey, did you know the director of A Christmas Story also directed Porky's? That's talent! Find me somebody who doesn't like one or both of these films and I'll show you a total square!


Blatant racism. Always hilarious and ever so endearing.


Are you looking for a new conversation piece for your home or office?

So little to do, so much time to do it.

They only ever found his head you know.-BK

The lights are turning red.

Sorry for throwing this up late today. I was in need of sleep, and sleep was in need of me. Plus, I'm on a double shift at work.

So, uh, Barack Obama is Time's Person of the Year. What a cowardly, foolhardy choice. I like him well enough, but he hasn't actually accomplished much of anything yet, although his potential seems to be limitless. His first 100 days(the standard mass media judgement of a President) will be an unwinable battle for him. No matter how well he does, and I'm confident he'll do extremely well, it won't be enough. He really does have the hopes and dreams of a desperate nation on his shoulders, in addition to the weight of the world. But until he gives the nation solid returns on it's investment of "hope" I'll keep my distance.

A much better Person of the Year, again, would be the men and women of the U.S. military, who are largely forgotten(except for when they die in vain, which every death in this conflict has been) and are continuing to fight a faceless enemy in an intolerant land, in an ever-changing mission. Those people, whether you agree with the war or not, are more deserving of accolades than any politician or entertainer.

Don't forget about that New Amsterdam show tomorrow. I'll be looking for you. With binoculars.

Also, a late addition, the "Cancelled Band Comedy Show" at the Smiling Moose on Friday. It's free and I'll be there, what more do you need?

My throat is really rough and abraded today. Don't know what I did or didn't do to make it so. I do know I just spent too much money on cough drops.

My friend needs your help. Please watch this and vote for him. He hustles like a true playa and backhand pimp-slaps his haters with class and panache.


That aircraft is no longer going to Philly.-BK

The same affect on the effect.

Every once in a while, you have to ignore the musical conscience within you.

Lately, I've chosen to do this by really enjoying Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours." History has shown that this is not the first, and probably not the last, Jason Mraz song I will enjoy listening to. Jason Mraz, if you're reading this, I hope it's comforting to know that your schlocky, "Buffet for Idiots" style has transcended your target audience of perpetual grad students and thirty-somethings, and has managed to find a place in the heart of at least one of the surly folk on the fringes of society.

"The fringes of society" remark doesn't really make sense when you put yourself on stage in front of up to a dozen people at a time.

Here's another song of his I sing along to in my car if it comes on the radio. Impromptu dancing kicks ass!


The new Esquire (the one with Clint Eastwood on the cover) is a great way to whittle day away while throwing bags down in the "dungeon."

Another way is by writing material on George Bush and shoes, which is virtually certain to never see the light of stage. Not because it's horrible(remember, Ben Kenny = Genius), but because it's material that's being written by every other comic around. Best to let them wrestle over it and take and place bets accordingly.

I must give credit where it's due. It hurts me to say this, but the "All I can say is that it's a size ten." remark by Bush was funny.

I don't think the President, U.S. media, or most Americans understand what it means to see a Muslim throw his shoes at the leader of the "free" world. While it's good fodder for late night TV one-liners and a viral video or two, it amounts to a high insult in their culture, one of the highest in fact. I don't think many Muslims find humor in the act, whether they agreed with it or not.

I personally do agree with it. It's pretty cocky to essentially be giving a victory speech in a country that we've fucked so royally, so completely, that the brutality of the act will require "therapy" of many sorts for decades to come. Iraq is going to be America's herpes. It won't ever go away, no matter how pretty the commercials are, or if we shave our pubic region.

Please note: I DO NOT HAVE HERPES! Thank you.

Two shows tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to doing three or four a night in New York. It's gonna be trial by fire. Luckily, my arsenal is rather impressive. Plus, I have a really cool "Rambo" style knife with a hollow handle that I can put a setlist in.

Every note of music in this song is perfectly in place.


Mystic River, which Clint Eastwood directed, was on at work today. Why is it the Kevin Bacon never even gets nominated for anything! He is a fine actor, and he deserves more than he's given.

I don't know why I've been on such an Eastwood kick lately. Most American men grew up with him, he's like that badass older brother you never had, but wanted to be just like anyways! I just recently really started examining the scale, scope, and depth of his work, and I feel like I've been missing out on him for so long.

I wish more people made movies as good as this. Like your beloved author, Forest Whitaker is a fat vegetarian. Much love and respect for all lives, except when those lives lack love and respect of their own.


The AC/DC show here has sold out! I am immensely pissed about it. They play a hell of a show. Bummer.

Speaking of awesome, I'm super-stoked on The Chuck and Tito Texas! It made me double over in laughter.
HO HO OH NO!


"I don't know where you get your facts. The first generation of MLP's were made by Hasbro, not the Khmer Rouge. And Hasbro hasn't made toys out of human skulls since the 1960's." - PonyFAB, October 23rd, 2006 at 6:40 PM

Fuck it's early.

My camera is broken, and I am none too pleased.

Fire pole dancing in the dark water.-BK

Girls of Montauk.

Damn. Last night was one of those times that you really needed to have without realizing that you really needed to have it. Haven't danced like that in a good month or so, and it was a sorely needed chance to vent a bit of the stress nestled inside of the Ben Kenny mainframe. Then I had cheese fries!

I am still waiting for word on a few of the potential second jobs. Hopefully I'll have something tangible by the end of the week.

This pretty much made my day.


The hooded sweatshirt is possibly man's perfect clothing creation. Or maybe it's lingerie combined with hips and tits?

Oh shit. Gotta get to work.

I don't understand the appeal of the place, but it's good.-BK

Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get rocked!

I'm not sure if one could have a crush on a movie, especially one I haven't seen, but if it's possible, I'm developing one...


Go ahead, go back and watch it again. I think Christian Bale should have statues built of him in every major American city, hell, in every city in the world, period! His birthday should be celebrated in the same manner as we celebrate Christmas. He is almost singlehandedly making movies great again. Heath Ledger was brilliant and all, but you don't go to a movie to see The Joker. You go for fucking Batman! You go... for fucking... Bateman!

At some point in my life, I stopped feeling guilty and hating myself after polishing off an entire pizza. I'm just saying.

Got out of that double shift today. Knee was not keen on the idea of 18 hours of movement and weight bearing. Working tonight still. The knee understands that I need money for it's well-being.

White trash convention seems to have peaked with a passionate, soul-bearing late night street monologue. It wasn't very eloquent or moving, but it was over by 1 AM which pleased me, as I only had to be woken up for ten minutes instead of the usual fifteen. I agree with the gentleman's opinion on skanks, but am questioning his thinking on the paternity of his child, which was likely still awake at it's grandparents' house or sleeping in the back of the orator's car.

I don't have this. I should. I really, really should. This is Arnold's most underrated performance. I'm serious! Great movie. People forget about all the wit in the writing.


"Art revolves around creating something that isn't there." - Kathleen Hanna

That sums it up nicely. I wish more comics/comedians, both locally and nationally, could understand it.

I kind of hate when I change the sheets/bedding, because I lay prone and stagnant for longer than usual. I plan to do nothing of redeeming domestic value today. I'm just going to "chillax" to use a horribly unnecessary word that's very existence is a testament to the rampant stupidity surrounding me every time I leave my house, log on to the Internet, or open my eyes.

The male perineum is twice as long as the female perineum. I prefer "taint" to "gooch."

Please show up.-BK

Honk, or beep?

Clint Eastwood is pretty awesome. He drops a movie a year, sometimes just as a director, but more often as actor and director, in addition to occasionally writing and scoring as well. I'll probably see Gran Torino some day next week. Looks pretty interesting, and maybe even thought-provoking in a way movie goers might not be used to...


I was able to escape the hellhole commonly known as Pittsburgh International Airport early yesterday. Small effort for great joy.

Homemade things are the best. I guess it goes without saying really, but when you "homemake" something for yourself, it's even better! I whipped up some nachos for dinner yesterday, because I'm awesome, and I deserved it. High Life is delicious with nachos, or with nothing.

There must be some sort of a white trash convention going on in Millvale this weekend. Or, more likely I just haven't been paying attention. Last night it was five people in a bar/street brawl across the street from my place, then a baby cried for a long, long time, presumably while my meth addict neighbors were either passed out, fucking, or just neglectful for the hell of it. This morning it was a small dog of some sort barking incessantly. Maybe when I get home from work today they'll be a used appliance on my doorstep! I can hardly wait.

The word "spork" dates back to 1909, while the tool itself dates to at least the 1870's? Fascinating. I myself have a titanium spork. It cost me nine dollars a few years ago. I use it quite a bit. It's good for Asian soups and rice dishes of any ethnic origin.

I think I was very, very close to tearing my ACL this morning. My right knee is throbbing right now, but I'm on a double dose of codeine, so I'm good.

With the knee situation and a double shift on deck for tomorrow, I think I'd be wise to spend the evening at home. I'm going to order a pizza, drink some beers, and watch Monster Squad, or The Thing, or maybe both.

This is fucking hilarious, not to mention adorable almost beyond belief. I LOVE DOGS.


I swear they turn up the volume when Christmas music is playing.

Not that remarkable.-BK

Possession.

Bettie Page, rest in peace. Whatever peace you can find. You deserve it. Thanks. For everything.

Two shows last night.

Thanks to Chuck for coming out, and as always, I wish it was a better show for him to see. Chuck and his friend were the only two audience members who were not comics or venue employees.

Second show was better, but the audience was sparse by the time I went on. You gotta keep pluggin'.

Brief appearance on a dance floor after that, then home to sleep in preparation for 13 hours of fun at work today. Shitty weather and shitty attitudes everywhere.

This album is awesome. I still listen to it.




I don't give a shit about Kaballah or affairs. She, and her music, will be culturally relevant until she dies. Heard a track of hers on the dance floor tonight, and watched as it pulled a dozen or more people out to dance. Not ironically, either, although the people were really annoying hipsters.

I am in debt to whoever created(or stole from a Mexican) the breakfast burrito. An integral part of any baggage handler's day. We tend to stick with food that doesn't require silverware. Makes life easier and more streamlined.

Secured some extra hours this week, so that's good.

Like in the olden days, ya know?-BK

You only have to look behind you.

Instead of bemoaning my lack of income yet again last night, I took the initiative and started looking online for jobs. I even applied for a few. I'm hoping for part time stocking/inventory work, preferably overnight. That way, I can go to work, and just go to the regular job straight from there. I can spend my afternoons sleeping. Did this for a while a few years ago and it seemed to work out.

Show tonight! The Obey House. Always a good time. Hopefully I'll see your ass there!

Brand new room opening next week! The New Amsterdam, in Lawrenceville. It's going to be fantastic. Come support the shit out of it, on Thursday at 8 PM!

I hate knowing that I need to be up for work at 3:45 in the morning, laying in bed for three hours, and not being able to relax enough to sleep. The last time I looked at my clock, it was 1:15. Ugh.

Props to Sean Rush on his big win last night. This is from a prior performance.


I ate a pound of cheese last week. An entire pound. It was a special week. Nothing out of the ordinary, totally mundane and normal in fact. I just integrate cheese into damn near every meal. This is why I can never be vegan.

This song is timeless. I ran in slow motion down the streets of Los Angeles to it today. Memories resurface like that one body I didn't properly weigh down...


I have been pounding away at an Obama bit that I believe could be destined for greatness, but I haven't been able to make it cohesive. The future isn't easy. You gotta print the check before you can cash it, and go buy copious amounts of cocaine and one or two hearty, road-worn whores to get down with.

I have no solid dates on the move to NYC. It's happening, but it's months away, so I'm looking to start up a room somewhere. I'm not looking very hard, but if it happens, it happens. Ideally, I'd like to give three comics 15-20 minutes each to stretch out their legs and test their material on a weekly or semi-weekly basis of some sort. I'll let you know.

krullbeast's foot was thisclose to falling off. It didn't. Goddamn modern medical science. Hopefully, he's creating more awesome shit like this during his lengthy recuperation. He makes genuine laughter permeate from my oral cavity. The chorus is tight.

day like today from krullbeast on Vimeo.

Two hundred Chicago window factory workers getting six grand a piece is not a victory for organized labor. It just highlights the fact that these people, my people essentially, are used as pawns in a political game. They didn't get their jobs back, the factory is closed. If Unions really wanted change, they would've burned down Washington D.C. around 1990 or so. They want "Unity" as long as the "y" isn't a bothersome question.

My Union is picketing at the airport tomorrow. Luckily, I'm working a double. About a dozen people not working have said they have no intention of showing, because it's a stupid thing for the Union to do. We're asking for more money at an airport that has lost 10,500 jobs in the past 7 years. God help those who believe in Him/Her, because the Union's action's aren't doing shit for it's members.

A Batman era.-BK

Laughs.

Tuesday is quickly turning into one of my favorite nights of the week. Hanging with friends, having a beer or two, and telling jokes is a good way to spend any evening. Plus, through my vast network of above ground comedy connections, I scored a nice Jager beanie hat. Stoked.

I spent about an hour yesterday thinking about rearranging furniture in my place, but decided not to. Men don't do things like rearrange rooms for no reason. If I had a new piece of furniture that needed to be fit in, sure, but not, "just because."

Dirk Benedict is the best "actor name" of all time. No contest, no contention, no questions about it!


Ionic bracelets would be better if they had spikes on them.-BK

TVOTR, yo.

Big news is that the Governor of Illinois(the s is silent, yinz morons!) has been taken into custody on federal corruption charges. This is no surprise to anyone in the state. It's just how shit gets done. Always has been, always will be. He wasn't fucking a prostitute or having an affair. Sometimes the wheels of the political machine have to be greased with the green, if you get my drift.

Merrill Lynch lost eleven billion dollars last year. Stop for a second, and think about how much money that is. Right, I know! A lot of fucking money. Say you were in charge of a company that lost eleven billion dollars. I for one, would be happy to be keeping my job, but somehow, this douchebag CEO has the unmitigated gall to ask for a ten million dollar bonus!! He should be executed at the stockholder's meeting. By stoning. Everyone he laid off, everyone who lost savings based on his decisions, should get a "throw" so to speak.

Probably my favorite song of off the album. This album wasn't as good, for me at least, as their previous efforts.


I found myself writing some personal stuff about my drinking last night. I'm on the fence about debuting it tonight at the Moose. I recently had an interesting conversation about writing too much. Perhaps it is sometimes better to go back, refine, "tighten up," or expand already existing material. Who knows. Some say I'm fortunate in the fact that I can literally change the direction of my set on a dime, as my "brand" of humor is mostly observational, and not very introspective or self examining. I've tried to write from/on a more personal level, but every time that I do it feels fake and contrived, and I'm afraid that a smart, attentive audience will cut through it like a knife through vegetarian butter. I keep a lot of my life experiences to myself, and to one day become a great comedian, I fear I'll need to start sharing a little.

It's pushing fifty degrees today. Might be my last chance to clean out the whip in relative comfort. I have a lot of shit on the floors of my car. I haven't washed the outside of my car in over a year.

Gas is lower in price lately. Must be more young American soldiers getting maimed and dying for nothing this time of year. I'm not quite sure how supply and demand concepts work in Iraq.

I've got oven-made french fries totally mastered!

Insane. Kind of reminds of several former girlfriends. I'm not "holier than thou" here, but it takes me 5-9 seconds to eat a bean burrito. The dog is good!


Getting a second job is a first priority.



Rush is not political.-BK

Weird, but not unexpected.

This needs to be put on a continuous video loop in every Welfare office, soup kitchen, and high school in America. Our country was built on the backs of people like him, and will survive because of people like him. I hope he finds that job.


Droves of people everywhere yesterday. Even at the grocery store. They were driving shopping carts just like they were driving cars. Poorly, and with little awareness of their location or speed.

There is a tangible amount of snow on the ground for the first time this year. I am not working. I am very, very happy.

Travis Walling wrote to inform me that he has indeed come into the possession of a camera, and will in fact be dropping videos, and I quote, "like a motherfucker" very shortly. In order to give the readers an idea of his style and enigmatic presence, he asked that this video be shown. You'll agree, if you know him, that the similarities are uncanny, and quite striking.


Here's my Xmas list. You know, in case you're interested. Remember to include the receipt.

Absolutely nothing from Wal-Mart. Getting gifts from them puts people out of work.
-a dark suit. two button. 46-48 jacket
-Dicks Sporting Goods giftcard
-Levi's jeans in Straight Leg 38x30.
-Black or VERY dark blue denim jacket large
-The Police concert tour dvd(sold at Best Buy)
-Red Hooded sweatshirt. size large. Matters not if it's full zip.
-Mini-DV tapes. (sony dvm60 preferred)
-south park on dvd (season 11 and on)
-flannel or fleece-lined jeans.(hard to find anywhere for under 100, but if you get a deal...)
-subscription to GQ and dirt rag magazines
-uniball or other "nice" pens
-long underwear/thermal large sized. prefer cotton/wool blend. no synthetic stuff!
-Troy Polamalu jersery(#43)

I had a really good bean, green pepper, and cheese burrito last night. I filled that bastard to the brim! Well, not really, as tortillas don't have brims, but you get the idea. Being a relative grown up is awesome, as I also ate french fries and carrots along with it. I break all the rules. I'm such a bad ass. Hoo-rah for me!

Smiling Moose and Obey House in the upcoming week. Come out for cheap laughs and moderately priced alcohol.

There's also a contest at the world famous Improv that a few of my friends(who everyone knows I'm just using) desperately need you to come out for. If you're not doing anything Wednesday night and are inclined to drastically overpay for food and drinks, head to the Waterfront and support Matt Light, Brian.. oops! I mean Mo, Mozuch, and Subah.

Shout out goes to Mitch today for introducing me to a great website that I was somehow, some way, totally and completely unaware of. Mitch works his ass off, and understands the epic journey all comedians must undertake. The road is long, with many a winding turn. Ladies, gentlemen, and Igor, I present to you... Mitch Mekulsia!


"Mitch was trying to make out with a girl that threw up in a hat!" Ha Ha Ha! That's our Mitch!

I'm pretty good at folding things now. I never was before. Perhaps I should get a job at the Gap? Naw. The employee discount would be moot for me, as I'm too cool for Gap clothes. I'm an "underground" comedian folks. I remember the first time someone introduced me as "underground." I was unhappy.


You could totally loop a 737.-BK

Butter knives.

Woke up at 6:45 and scrambled for about ten minutes, getting ready for work. Then I realized it was Saturday, and I was off. I swore out loud at myself, took my pants off, and went back to bed for what I thought would be an hour or two.

I slept until 11:30. So much for an early start on the day.

Managed to pull myself away from the computer for a few hours last night. It was 90's night. The band played interesting covers of songs not heard by my ears in quite a while. Since I'm on a "Christmas" budget, I decided to forgo food in hopes of catching a buzz off of less beer. Just like anything I put my mind to, I made it work. Drunk on four beers. Impressive, if you know how much I normally drink.

One of the songs I heard. It made me smile on the inside, and on the outside. A sonic long lost friend to me.


I'm going lightbulb shopping a little later. Jesus Christ.

Punisher was fantastic yesterday. Critics are missing the point with this movie. It's supposed to be nothing but violence! There is no moral, no political statement, nothing to take away accept the memories of the myriad of gnarly, gore-filled ways that bad guys get what's coming to them! Frank Castle/The Punisher's entire agenda is revenge and retribution. He doesn't ask why or how, he just does it. This is probably the best of the Punisher movies. Ray Stevenson was awesomely badass as Frank Castle, the action was "old school" i.e. not a lot of computer graphics, and the story was what it needed to be. Top Ten of the year for sure.

I really am excited about New York. I don't talk about it much to avoid redundancy, but I sure do think about it. I think about it every. fucking. day.

She was in town recently. I just found out. I am bummed. Heard she puts on a show. I'm not even sure if I like her music or not. Melodrama isn't for me. I don't know. I usually don't "like" an artist until I've seen them perform live. Amanda Palmer.


Wait! Ugly Kidd Joe, right?-BK

Mars and Moon.

I've got a three day weekend starting tonight. Friday and Saturday nights should be relatively mundane affairs, but this is the first Sunday I will be able to enjoy in a long while. Sleep until noon. Tailgate. Maybe get into the game. Head to the Smiling Moose. Dance until close. Head to Tilden/Club Hot. Dance until close. Food? Breakaway from friends. Head to Mt. Washington or possibly the Point, watch the sunrise, and know that the world is in the palm of my hand. Always has been, always will be. Sometimes you just forget you're holding on to it.

Winter is definitely here. My hands are dried and cracked, bleeding actually, and my face is quite ashy. I need moisturizer.

Listened to Filter's Title of Record album all night last night. Very good stuff. Did you know the lead singer of Filter, Richard Patrick, not only was a member of NIN but is the brother of the T-1000, Robert Patrick?! I guess awesome runs in the family!

This isn't from that album, but it's really good. Their use of acoustic guitar with a subtle smidge of electronica is gnarly.


I have no idea how long these sheets have been on my bed. I think they would "grow into" me if I wasn't so fond of bathing and evenings away from the house.

Bouncing out of work early to go see Punisher: War Zone. I hope it's half as good as I hope it will be.

Some people shouldn't be making PA announcements at the airport, or anywhere else really. You don't have to shout into the mic! And just tow the fucking car already, the driver should know better!

I slept like a baby last night. Of course, the baby I'm referring to is a two hundred and thirty pound borderline alcoholic, but still, it was good to sleep so deeply for once.

I'm going on one of those "OK, time to stock up for a nuclear winter" type of shopping trips at some point this weekend. People though. So many fucking people will be out showing their friends and family how much they value them through the power of bestowing gifts. Maybe I'll move that shopping trip to sometime next week.

Speaking of next week, I'm back to working super early in the morning! No more traffic and healthy breakfasts everyday!

Too awesome. Too awesome! If you don't know who Vince Clarke is, you're missing out on a lot.


I know, I know, but why can't you see that pizza is the solution?-BK

Virtual Special Olympics.

I've recently found myself in a bit of a "beef" with another local "performer."

The following is my version of events, and the last I will mention of it on the blog, as you guys obviously seem more interested in random rants, and news of my bowel movements, eating habits, and movie and musical preferences.

And away we go:

About a month ago, whist browsing at night, I came across a blog post written by another local comic. Subject matter aside, let's just say I understood his point, but did not agree with the means.

As I'm not the "water under the bridge" type, I wrote him, and politely offered my opinion of his opinion. As I knew him to be a close associate and friend of previously mentioned "performer" I offered some words of warning about said "performer" as he had, and apparently continues to have, "beef" with some of the hardest-working and most respected comedians in town.

As anyone who knows me already knows, I probably came off/appeared really arrogant in the letter.

While not necessarily private, the letter was something written between two people, not published to any blog or bulletin.

It doesn't bother or surprise me that my opinion of this "performer" made it to his ears.

If he was upset, which he quite obviously gets quite easily, he should have discussed it with me via private message or(gasp!), in person.

However, he chose to post a cute, vulgar little blog about it. Since I only read early twentieth century erotica and leftist propaganda from South America, I was blissfully unaware, until a friend of mine called my attention to it.

I do not, ever, tolerate someone attempting to insult me in public, and I responded via blog the next day. Private messages of support and congratulations abounded, and I was content to "let it go."

Obviously, my words hit a little hard at the "performer's" fragile ego, which is about as easy as throwing a rock at the broadside of Heinz Field.(Super local reference bonus points! BOOYAH!!)

He posted a few more blogs dedicated solely to little ol' me, and I'd like to take a moment to sincerely thank him for that:

So, uh, thanks, "performer!"

I appreciate the hits and views you've provided me, but for some reason, no one left any negative comments! Oh well, guess I'll just have to keep not sucking.
----

As I wind this down, I'd like to make one thing explicitly, crystal, ocean water in the Bahamas clear:

I am by no means a "hater" of this "performer" although it's safe to say that I do hate him.

You see folks, to be a "hater" of something is rooted in jealousy of it. I'm not jealous of 5,000 virtual friends and a Cafepress store. I'm not jealous of the content the "performer" spams everyone on the Internet with. Finally, I most certainly am not jealous of said "performer." If anything, I thank him for the entertainment he provides, off stage of course, to all the comics in town.

My friends, readers, and random stoppers in, I thank you for all of your continued support, confidence, and friendship. Whether I met you in Chicago, Denver, or in my beloved Iron City, I want you guys to know that you keep me motivated! Thank you from the depths of my heart.

Thank you again for your support, and again, I'm done discussing this matter via Internet.

While you're here, if you've never checked out the below, please do. Because after all, I kick ass!

Living in an unkempt world.

My Facebook. "Ben Kenny" is easy enough to type into a search bar. Get on it.

My Vimeo and YouTube pages. No need to look at both, but definitely keep your eye on one, as big things will shortly be coming along.

He wouldn't know what that word means!-BK

Miami

This blew up on YouTube yesterday. The quality and singing talent are mediocre, but I like the wit in the lyrics.


Sorry for all the "evangelizing" but we're people too, non-existing Goddamnit!

The ability to make people laugh in normal daily conversation has slowly earned me free food at the airport. First, the price declined. As weeks went by, extra stuff went in my bag, and/or a cheaper item was rung up, and now I just show up at 9:15 and my ass gets fed! Hells yeah!

12 of the 25 most played songs on my iTunes are from the Eighties. Six are from the Sixties. Three are from the Seventies. I am not retro, I just have taste!

Everyone should have a friend who illegally copies entire seasons of shows to DVD for them. I'm watching season two of Dexter this week, and maybe beginning my journey into The Wire next week.

Company is making progress with New York. Final word comes in March or so. Stay tuned to the blog, and in time, to Comedy Central.

Maybe that seemed cocky to you. If I was reading someone else's version of those words, it'd seem cocky to me. Good thing I'm not reading someone else's words.

Video from last night turned out like shit. Tinny sound and way too wide of a shot. Utterly useless.

Travis Walling, why are there no clips of you on the Internet? You were totally gonna get the "Ben Kenny shout out" today! Don't you know what such a thing will do for your career!!?!?? Just today Jeff Konkle farted and people pretended they didn't notice! I'm that powerful. I'm, like, Joe Pesci in Casino powerful!

Oh well, your loss. Guess I'll just post this up in your video's stead.

adam banton's electronical part from eastern bikes on Vimeo.

Anybody know if The Never Ending Story is on DVD? It's good like warm cookies.

However, although it's good like warm cookies, for my money, motherfucking Krull has to be the best fantasy film of the Eighties! Oh yes bitches, I'm putting it up against Ladyhawke, Legend, Dune, and the proverbial front runner in the hearts of all who are Goth and scary, Labyrinth. No matter the movie, if there's mud and/or a swamp, JUST WALK THE FUCK AROUND!



It has horses with feet of fire, laser guns, a mountain spaceship thing, a giant spider guarding a secret, the most badass throwing star of all-time, romance, sorcery, heroism, mystery, a Cyclops!... the list could go on for days! It's the shit! See it!

January 13th. Dance all night. Belvedere's. Hell's yes Ben Kenny will be there!

Maybe I'll catch some more of Dexter before work.

Not in here.-BK

Common misconceptions.

There is no story behind this, it just really makes me laugh, so I felt it was my duty to share it with you all. You're welcome.

Show last night was fun. Good to see so many(13) local comics coming out week after week to support their scene and the comics in it. Unfortunately, I had to pull a dick move and leave right after my set, as I had shit to do balls-early this morning, and really needed some semblance of a decent night's sleep. My set went pretty well though. Some new stuff worked, some didn't.

Treated myself to dinner out last night. Tofu fried rice with some carrots and assorted greens. So fucking good. When mixed with beer however, it becomes a huge gastrointestinal risk. Stinky like the people on the bus.

Only a mere three days until the new Punisher flick comes out! I'm so excited about this that if I happened to be a puppy, I'd be peeing on your leg! It's gonna be soooooo good!

The greatest live band of the moment at one of the most magical venues on Earth. Nine Inch Nails at Red Rocks Amphitheatre, Morrison, Colorado.


I need to fuel my tug. That's not a euphemism or anything. I need to put diesel fuel in the vehicle I use to move bags from one place to another. I almost ran out of gas last week. I like to avoid embarrassment whenever possible.

Jeff Konkle needs to come out a little more often. This is somehow really, really creepy, even by my standards, yet totally hilarious. Well done Senor Konkdaddy, well done indeed!


I have a headache, stomachache, sore shoulder, achy, breaky, heart, and a bit of congestion, so I'm ending it here.

That pizza should still be well within the limits of freshness.-BK

Return to see everything looks the same.

Sarah Connor was really good last night. Terminators hanging out in the Prohibition Era, building real estate empires and killing people. Totally fantastic. I hear it might be cancelled. It makes me sad. It's an original show with decent acting and writing, in a shitty time slot. Give it a chance to get some fans Fox! It is the one hour of television I watch while at home.

This is what you should show an alien who's never seen stand-up before. The very definition of perfection.


This makes me proud to be an atheist in America. I'm not even the kind that denies God's existence. If an entity is "up there," great. If not, fine too. I simply choose NOT to believe in a God. Trust and respect are earned from human to human, so why should trust and unquestioning belief in God be mandatory? All I know is that for as long as I remember, whenever I heard the words "the Bible says" I knew instinctively that I was about to be bullshitted for a couple of minutes.

I'm twenty-four years old. Pizza is still my all-time favorite food. My palate needs to evolve, or like, at least go through palate puberty or something. I don't know. I do know I like small amounts of onion and peppers now, so that's something.

There's a new room opening on 45th and Butler on Thursday nights. 8pm. The name of the venue is "The New Amsterdam." Steve Swanson is making this happen, along with a really exciting new project called Static Spin that I'm also going to be involved in via blog posts and video content.

Immortal indeed! Awesome.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Words are like nacho cheese in a way. I mean, both are totally delicious and good! Make some fucking nachos, figurative or literal, today!

He will be eligible for the Hall of Fame soon. He needs to get in!


I just woke up, yet I'm already "tuckered out." Go figure. Tucker is a dick.

Get down to that.-BK

Laurent Wolf

This is long as hell, but I've been having trouble sleeping due to a sore wrist, so here ya go. Read it all, as I know you guys always do. You're all fantastic like Christian Bale in anything he's ever been in, including Reign of Fire!

Oh yeah, the wrist is my left wrist, so it wasn't masturbation-related. Not directly, at least. I was holding my MacBook awkwardly.

Due to the stratospheric rise of Tha Carter, poor Jon has been forced find guest work anywhere he can...


I ate like a true Midwesterner yesterday. Bland Italian for lunch, chips for a snack, and lots and lots of meat(synthetic) for dinner. Drank a lot of pop. That's right, pop. In Chicago, we don't have such a thing as soda! I think I had about nine slices of white bread over the course of the day. Hearty. I almost went out for pie and coffee, just to take it above and beyond.

This is perpetually great.


I watched three year's worth of South Park yesterday. All day. It's cool to see how Cartman has evolved.

I'm kind of thinking of going somewhere over the Christmas holiday. There are unbelievably good deals on Mumbai right now! Must be their slow season or something.

Of course it's too soon!

In reality, I have secured five consecutive days off, and will be returning to the land of my spawning for a bit. Yes indeed Chicago, motherfucking Ben Kenny is en route!

I just realized that I'm working New Year's Day. I start at 5 AM. Yet another year that I will be asleep for the dawn of. Doesn't matter, because time is marked not on my calendar, but in my soul. I feel older than I should, but my heart is still so young and vibrant! I will eat pizza forever and never get fat(er)!

If you don't dance to trance, at least occasionally, you ain't shit! This is the best DJ in the world, and his name is Armin van Buuren. Get on him. I listen to this in my house and go nuts.


I would really love to hit a big dance tent at a music festival in Europe sometime. Thousands of sweaty, living, alive people, great music and lighting, and putting the world on hold until the sun comes up. What could be better?

Here's a little secret for you kids: Read. Pay attention. Retain this information: No one, absolutely no one, in the history of the world, ever, has been born without the physical ability to dance. We are all individuals. In America, we value individuality. A dance floor is a great place to practice it. "I can't dance" is always said in error, in shame, and in fear. People are simply too self-conscious to dance. Have a drink, maybe two, and just stand on a dance floor for a minute. Find the beat, move one part of your body to it, and start moving other parts of your body as you see fit. Close your eyes. Focus. Have fun. Be free. You might(you will!) find that it's easier than you assumed and much better than you ever thought it could be.

Although I have many friends on a dance floor, I don't dance "with" them, and they don't dance with me. For many of us, it's about being alone, being in a sort of private place, and just relaxing. If that sounds weird, it's because you "can't dance." Start dancing!

I find it funny how girls post provocative profile pictures on MySpace, but then set their profiles to private. I may have to go back to stalking chicks the old-fashioned way. This is no virtual equivalent of a dead cat on the door step. Don't kill their cat though, that's a mistake. It's like ending the relationship before it even begins! It's stupid. Any cat but their cat, or their mother's cat, will do. Also, heavy breathing and nothing but on the phone, always. Conversation is so awkward.

33-10, Steelers. I didn't watch the game. Heard it on my computer though. Waved my Terrible Towel while watching Kenny get killed.

I'm making chili with mac for dinner tonight. I might possibly put cheese in said mac, not sure, still debating. Try putting chili in your mac and cheese sometime. Don't think about how unhealthy it is, just do it! It's about as close as a human can get to being Jabba the Hutt. It's great. I even bought Saltines to eat with/put in my chili mac. Always used to have Saltines with chili growing up. Never realized how much I missed it.

My life is so sad. I look forward to eating food.

I know you're all coming to The Smiling Moose on Tuesday, right? Please join us, as I'm debuting FIVE FULL MINUTES of new material. I'd love it if an actual audience could be there to laugh or not laugh at it. Feedback, yo, feedback.

-----

I love being called a "formely bald bitch" on people's blogs. The misspelling is actually a correct quote, which makes me smile, even as I write this. I mean, I'm still balding and he didn't even talk about my man tits! Attacking the physical appearance of others through the safety of the internet is the mark of a seasoned, professional, talented comic. Everyone knows that. I'm debating a further written response to it at this point.

Fuck it, looks like the debate is over.

Perhaps a good ol' fashioned verbal rumble? Not my style. Physical rumble? Laughably easy, not to mention totally classless.

As for claims of making friends just to acquire stage time, absolutely. I'm only friends with comedians, people who share the same passion, and often the same "love for the game" as I do, in order to get stage time. In fact, if I was female, skinny, and attractive, I'd totally be providing them sexual favors in exchange for the chance to grab the closing slot. Sorry if I hurt your feelings with this terrible truth guys, but the truth must be told! I'll still provide those favors for you, if you want. Pretend not to notice my tears of shame.

Hope you win that Improv contest. I want you to rub it in my face. Make me smell it like I'm a puppy who's just shit on the kitchen floor. It will make you feel really, really good.

In the end though, how far can you really take tired, stereotypical fried chicken jokes and use of the word "nigger" to get cheap laughs? Can you take it to New York or Los Angeles? To auditions? To "A" rooms? Time always tells.

I have never before attacked another comedian's material in public. Thank you for taking me to a new personal low.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep on doing shows, writing, and working on my art. One day, not next month or even in the next few years, but one day, I'll wave to you from the top and put you and your legion of scene kid friends on my guestlist. Two item minimums still apply.

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Hunting season starts today. Deer. Nothing manlier than shooting an animal with a scoped, high-powered rifle. Many of these people, WHO KILL FOR SPORT, FOR THEIR LEISURE, are also vehemently opposed to abortion. Hypocrisy rules! Pennsylvania, and the region in general, is really fucking backwards, pretty much all of the time.

Goddamn you're beautiful! You seeing that guy? I could see myself in a relatively committed and monogamous relationship with you.

I would be a great dictator.-BK