This is long as hell, but I've been having trouble sleeping due to a sore wrist, so here ya go. Read it all, as I know you guys always do. You're all fantastic like Christian Bale in anything he's ever been in, including Reign of Fire!
Oh yeah, the wrist is my left wrist, so it wasn't masturbation-related. Not directly, at least. I was holding my MacBook awkwardly.
Due to the stratospheric rise of Tha Carter, poor Jon has been forced find guest work anywhere he can...
I ate like a true Midwesterner yesterday. Bland Italian for lunch, chips for a snack, and lots and lots of meat(synthetic) for dinner. Drank a lot of pop. That's right, pop. In Chicago, we don't have such a thing as soda! I think I had about nine slices of white bread over the course of the day. Hearty. I almost went out for pie and coffee, just to take it above and beyond.
This is perpetually great.
I watched three year's worth of South Park yesterday. All day. It's cool to see how Cartman has evolved.
I'm kind of thinking of going somewhere over the Christmas holiday. There are unbelievably good deals on Mumbai right now! Must be their slow season or something.
Of course it's too soon!
In reality, I have secured five consecutive days off, and will be returning to the land of my spawning for a bit. Yes indeed Chicago, motherfucking Ben Kenny is en route!
I just realized that I'm working New Year's Day. I start at 5 AM. Yet another year that I will be asleep for the dawn of. Doesn't matter, because time is marked not on my calendar, but in my soul. I feel older than I should, but my heart is still so young and vibrant! I will eat pizza forever and never get fat(er)!
If you don't dance to trance, at least occasionally, you ain't shit! This is the best DJ in the world, and his name is Armin van Buuren. Get on him. I listen to this in my house and go nuts.
I would really love to hit a big dance tent at a music festival in Europe sometime. Thousands of sweaty, living, alive people, great music and lighting, and putting the world on hold until the sun comes up. What could be better?
Here's a little secret for you kids: Read. Pay attention. Retain this information: No one, absolutely no one, in the history of the world, ever, has been born without the physical ability to dance. We are all individuals. In America, we value individuality. A dance floor is a great place to practice it. "I can't dance" is always said in error, in shame, and in fear. People are simply too self-conscious to dance. Have a drink, maybe two, and just stand on a dance floor for a minute. Find the beat, move one part of your body to it, and start moving other parts of your body as you see fit. Close your eyes. Focus. Have fun. Be free. You might(you will!) find that it's easier than you assumed and much better than you ever thought it could be.
Although I have many friends on a dance floor, I don't dance "with" them, and they don't dance with me. For many of us, it's about being alone, being in a sort of private place, and just relaxing. If that sounds weird, it's because you "can't dance." Start dancing!
I find it funny how girls post provocative profile pictures on MySpace, but then set their profiles to private. I may have to go back to stalking chicks the old-fashioned way. This is no virtual equivalent of a dead cat on the door step. Don't kill their cat though, that's a mistake. It's like ending the relationship before it even begins! It's stupid. Any cat but their cat, or their mother's cat, will do. Also, heavy breathing and nothing but on the phone, always. Conversation is so awkward.
33-10, Steelers. I didn't watch the game. Heard it on my computer though. Waved my Terrible Towel while watching Kenny get killed.
I'm making chili with mac for dinner tonight. I might possibly put cheese in said mac, not sure, still debating. Try putting chili in your mac and cheese sometime. Don't think about how unhealthy it is, just do it! It's about as close as a human can get to being Jabba the Hutt. It's great. I even bought Saltines to eat with/put in my chili mac. Always used to have Saltines with chili growing up. Never realized how much I missed it.
My life is so sad. I look forward to eating food.
I know you're all coming to The Smiling Moose on Tuesday, right? Please join us, as I'm debuting FIVE FULL MINUTES of new material. I'd love it if an actual audience could be there to laugh or not laugh at it. Feedback, yo, feedback.
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I love being called a "formely bald bitch" on people's blogs. The misspelling is actually a correct quote, which makes me smile, even as I write this. I mean, I'm still balding and he didn't even talk about my man tits! Attacking the physical appearance of others through the safety of the internet is the mark of a seasoned, professional, talented comic. Everyone knows that. I'm debating a further written response to it at this point.
Fuck it, looks like the debate is over.
Perhaps a good ol' fashioned verbal rumble? Not my style. Physical rumble? Laughably easy, not to mention totally classless.
As for claims of making friends just to acquire stage time, absolutely. I'm only friends with comedians, people who share the same passion, and often the same "love for the game" as I do, in order to get stage time. In fact, if I was female, skinny, and attractive, I'd totally be providing them sexual favors in exchange for the chance to grab the closing slot. Sorry if I hurt your feelings with this terrible truth guys, but the truth must be told! I'll still provide those favors for you, if you want. Pretend not to notice my tears of shame.
Hope you win that Improv contest. I want you to rub it in my face. Make me smell it like I'm a puppy who's just shit on the kitchen floor. It will make you feel really, really good.
In the end though, how far can you really take tired, stereotypical fried chicken jokes and use of the word "nigger" to get cheap laughs? Can you take it to New York or Los Angeles? To auditions? To "A" rooms? Time always tells.
I have never before attacked another comedian's material in public. Thank you for taking me to a new personal low.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep on doing shows, writing, and working on my art. One day, not next month or even in the next few years, but one day, I'll wave to you from the top and put you and your legion of scene kid friends on my guestlist. Two item minimums still apply.
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Hunting season starts today. Deer. Nothing manlier than shooting an animal with a scoped, high-powered rifle. Many of these people, WHO KILL FOR SPORT, FOR THEIR LEISURE, are also vehemently opposed to abortion. Hypocrisy rules! Pennsylvania, and the region in general, is really fucking backwards, pretty much all of the time.
Goddamn you're beautiful! You seeing that guy? I could see myself in a relatively committed and monogamous relationship with you.
I would be a great dictator.-BK
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