Old Skool Tuesdays.

As someone who works outside, I can tell you I know more than a little bit about how to properly dress and prepare for weather. This must be why Mother Nature, psychotic cunt that She is, can't seem to make up Her mind on whether or not sustained rain is going to fall today. I do not like stripping off and putting on my raingear on a seemingly endless basis. I do not like it one iota!

At the Smiling Moose tonight, and at the Obey House next Thursday. That's going to be a banger of a show, and is always a great time. Come out. Beer is cheap, life is fleeting, and after all, you only live once!

I've been cutting back on my Dew intake. I am irritable as a result. Grrr!!

This is one of those songs from a native son of the Iron City. I'd never heard it until I moved here, but it's too good not to have been a bigger hit... Ladies and gents, Donnie Iris!


Because PBS is the only channel that I receive clearly, and because my light bulb is burned out, which I need for reading, which I'm too lazy to replace, I found myself watching a biography on Ronald Reagan. I share a birthday with him and Axl Rose. Obviously, we weren't all born in the same year. Anyways... while some presidencies are "ho-hum" or "total, absolute failures," he accomplished something. His administration effectively ended to the Cold War, and essentially defeated Communism as it used to be. What is Clinton's legacy? We all know what Bush's will be.

Too bad The Gipper ignored AIDS, homelessness, and traded arms for hostages. But hey, he was a Republican, what do you expect?

This is incredibly astute, and one of the more honest interviews I've ever read.

This one goes out to Sara Palin's retarded kid. Fret not, fair readers, it's not like he's ever going to read this, or much of anything, really. Dave Attell is pure class.


I'm still smoking a little bit, on occasion, when I drink. Haven't actually bought cigarettes, so we're cool on that front. I know I'm putting my health at risk, but shit, what do I have to live for?

I've taken to walking around the airport a bit. It's almost as depressing as downtown Pittsburgh. But, if we hire a couple of homeless folks, and I think we've got a good competition on our hands.

My shoulder is on fucking fire. But it's my other shoulder, so it's a change of pace I suppose. I'll take what I can get.

Somebody was singing very loudly at an early hour this morning.


The Steelers won, I get it. Just be happy about the victory, don't honk your fucking horns after midnight. Daddio is sleeping!

Not ever.-BK

The Riddle of Steel

They tore out walls at the Moose! It looks way better. Really "opens up the room" as people with a seventy thousand dollar degree/piece of paper would say. Ben Kenny says it for free. College degrees... pssh! I know more people who aren't applying their degrees in life than who are. It's hard to apply a Fine Arts degree to waiting tables. Unless you're doing dinner theatre, or working at Medieval Times. You gotta live your dreams. Good thing I only dream of homelessness and ultra violence...


This is one of those videos that might make you yell out loud a time or five...


I've got a wee bit of a hangover today. I hate people who don't drink irresponsibly. Hangovers are nature's way of telling you that you had fun last night, but maybe you should eat something before you drink.

Sarah Connor is on tonight. I've missed it the past two weeks, due to going out at night and having some semblance of a life. Although I did catch the episodes online, it just isn't as magical as watching it at it's regularly scheduled time, on a TV with horrid reception, in a bed that smells of sweat, in a house that's empty, in a world that's dying. Or maybe I'm being too melodramatic?

I cannot believe our government. I cannot believe in our government.

My cold is fading like Dane Cook's career. I was so happy his latest movie tanked! Being an unfunny joke thief super douchebag is one thing, but comparing yourself to Belushi and Steve Martin is entirely another. Cocky bastard. He doesn't have one tenth of their merit. Not one tenth!

It's taken my ass almost a week to work my way through this box of Fruity Pebbles. It's kind of surprising.

I had cheese fries yesterday. Homemade. They were so good I started purring a little. Sadly, I did not think to take a picture of them, but take my word for it, they were magnificent! They were like your first great lover. I will never forget them!

Watched this last night. Snuggled. Had a few laughs. Coreys for life!


Best scene ever! "...to hear the lamentation of the women." Ha Ha Ha!


Yeah. I can't do this right now. Later.-BK

Polo shirts are the first sign.

5:50 AM. Pittsburgh. Sunday morning. A practically deserted highway.

Ben Kenny is driving to work, in the leftmost lane, moving at a modest seventy miles per hour. He comes up on a car in his lane. He brakes. Brakes heavily. Checking his own severely reduced speed, he sees the car is moving at fifty-two miles per hour. He can see the telltale glow in the driver's ear. A cellular phone! He flashes his brights, and before the driver has a chance to respond, passes him on the right, merging back into his proper lane at his proper speed, a glance in the rear view telling him the driver behind him was still clueless.

At that moment, if presented with a "burn the world" button, Ben Kenny would have pushed it with a steely resolve and a look of pure glee.

-----

I do not appreciate random sexual text messages from cell phones I do not recognize. If this was you, thanks for interrupting my movie watching and attempt at a full night's rest, you fucking jackass.

I decided to forsake my shower in favor of an extra twenty minutes of sleep. Which gives me about three and half hours of sleep on the night. Good times.

Caught this at work the other day. This one of those movies that is truly moving. It can, and does, appeal to basic human emotions without coming off like it's begging for attention. I've said it before, but I wish Hollywood made more movies like this. Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington do so much work, so often, so well, that we tend to forget how bright they truly shine.


I sure hope Artie Lange doesn't die.




Fake steak is so good. I don't know why I'd never bought that shit before. Mad tasty, yo.

Working on Sunday is kind of good and kind of bad. Money, of course, is good, but losing sleep and social time is bad. Also, I have nothing to eat but my emergency supply of Easy Mac, as I neglected to pack food. Maybe I'll splurge and by breakfast/lunch today. Or I'll just eat oatmeal bars from the storeroom. Those things are super good!

Pittsburgh pillow. Google it. Hilarity.

My new work schedule will have me waking up at 3:45 in the morning. This will make me much angrier than usual. Be warned.

No bags yet. I'll let you know.-BK

Rusty brown hole.

Damn.

Paul Newman died.

He was one of those actors who never needed to "ham" much of anything up. He knew how to tell a story and set the tone of a scene using little more than his eyes.

Through his food line, he donated more than a quarter of a billion dollars to charity.

Although rumors of his declining health had been circulating for some time, he chose to die in privacy, with his family, and with his basic human dignity. He died like a man should. We should all be so lucky.

His early work is great, but I came to know and love him in his later years. There are not a lot of "old man" actors who still take varied and challenging rolls. He never rested on his laurels. Here are some of my favorite scenes of his...




Bike power!


Overtime tomorrow. Wheee!!!

I managed to spend less than twenty bucks on groceries today. I even bought eight different things! Bring on the fattest, most self-loathing, poorly-named children having, SUV driving soccer mom on the planet! I can take her! Let's bargain it out, bitch!

I'm starting to wash my winter work clothes in preparation. It's getting closer. Snow. Freezing rain. Holiday travelers. Deicing. Overtime. Six hours of daylight. Pale skin. Dry skin. Cracked skin. Hot chocolate and coffee. Oatmeal. Flight delays. Year five. Fear is for those who don't prepare!

This cold has left me sore all over. Goddamn immune system!

I'm totally making fake steak fajitas tonight. I might even bring the sizzling pan into another room to eat, you know, for that "psuedo-Chili's" experience we all secretly crave.

I call her "Miss Jackson." (For those of you too young or daft to understand, it's a reference to another song of hers!)


I would most definitely go "angry dragon" in regards to Miss Jackson. Although quite "nasty" in nature, I'd never "space dog" with her! That shit, no pun intended, is totally classless. Unless we were in a bathtub or large shower...

But seriously, no. Unless we were drunk.

Really though, no. Really.

Well, I guess maybe once. Twice, to be sure we weren't into it...

It looks like a flood in here.-BK

Erasure is better than "pretty good."

Due to bad vibes from the crowd and from internal sources, last night was cut short. Amazingly, I was able to recover half of the cover charge! Go me!

While watching the news, I noticed all of the airport area "massage parlors" and "spas," had been raided in a prostitution sting. I'd heard a few stories about these establishments, but have never felt the need to pay for sex, at least with cash, that is. I usually pay more than my share in guilt, confusion, and a sense of underperformance. Shit, come to think of it, money would just be cheaper!

Why is it I that like bands that are more effeminate than their female fans?


Epic.


I dream in MS/DOS. Fucking BSOD!


I'm really hoping to work a lot of overtime this weekend, and as a result, will be laying low again. I'll be there in spirit. Look for mysterious puddles of sweat on the dancefloor and empty glasses of Jack and Coke scattered about. If you listen closely, very closely, you might even hear a high-pitched voice singing along to Depeche Mode!

The muscle on the outside of my wrist feels like it's trying to pull towards my elbow. Not pleasant feeling. Not one little bit.

Time to fly.

There will be a seat at my table for you. Always.-BK

This happens to be my jam.

YOU MUST WATCH.


Cold is getting less bad. Not better, just "less bad." I am South Korea, the cold is North Korea, and we've reached some sort of agreement on a demilitarized zone.

Dancing this evening. As always, I've been really looking forward to it. Crazy moves and copious sweat. It's kind of ridiculous that I actually have to hydrate myself before I go out dancing, but that's life.

This is another band/person most people only have a fleeting familiarity with, which is sad, because the dude is an incredible talent. Meth derailed his career for a while, but I hear he's back. Days Of The New.


I spent thirty bucks on a new pair of work shoes. The first day, literally, the first fucking day I wore them, the toe guard started peeling. I am pissed. Oh well. They only need to last until mid-November, as that's when I start wearing boots everyday anyways. I shop at Target for the quality.

Of course it's the beat!


Twelve hours of work today. Haven't done that in a while. Through some wheeling and dealing, I may only be working three days a week next month. Should be good for the budget, if not for the sanity.

I went to pick up some FireWire in order to connect my camera to my computer, and share some of my comedic genius with the world, and you know what I found out? FireWire is fucking expensive! Like "wait until next paycheck" expensive!

Big Powerball prize. Hopes high.

That couldn't happen.-BK

I doubt it.

Yesterday I had the worst coughing fit in the world, ever! It happened while I was in the shower. It came out of nowhere, much like the Jonas Brothers, and overpowered me. I was doubled over, clutching my chest, hacking like a stoner on the quad at Berkeley or something. I was ingesting water, which made it worse, as the water was immediately regurgitated. I'd eaten Fruity Pebbles earlier, which led to some weird, rainbow colored mucus the swirled beautifully as it went down the drain. I must've coughed for 3 or 4 consecutive minutes. Not cool.

In what is surely the surprise of all surprises, Clay Aiken has come out as a homosexual. Obese women in Kansas who wear large sweat/pantsuits with cats embroidered on them are heartbroken, as are many gay folks. Do you think they can just say, "Uh, thanks, but no thanks. You're no Neil Patrick Harris," or is that discrimination? Not on based on sexual orientation of course, but just because Clay Aiken is at a "David Blaine/Dane Cook/Kid Rock" level of douchery? Thoughts?

NPH does it for the kids, and for the kid in all of us!


Apparently, Lindsey Lohan is "a gay" too! My penis and I have discussed this, at length. (Not in an erection sense, perverts, but the pun was too good to ignore!) We can accept it, but do wish she had a "less dyke-ish" girlfriend. Drats.

Goldfrapp - "Strict Machine" Is their such a thing as a liberal machine?


Things are looking great, and they're only getting better.

I want to write the Greatest American Novel someday.

Speeding is essential to my mental health.-BK

Groovie Mann

Yesterday was a hell of a day. I had lunch at my favorite place, The Quiet Storm, and a fun afternoon before heading out to the My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult show. It was super fun. People were dancing. People were smiling. People were singing. People were wearing black.

TKK is probably the first relatively "underground" band I was ever introduced to. I'm happy I was. Thank you, hetero lifemate David Tyler!

Laying relatively low until 80's night. Need to rest this cold a bit. Congested like Los Angeles traffic. At least my mucus isn't on a cell phone.

Virtually always, Ron Paul is right! If you're not angry about your government using your tax dollars to stabilize private enterprise, you're not a patriot! Businesses don't all succeed. When mistakes are made, consequences need to be dealt with. It is not now, nor has it ever been, the government's job to bail businesses out of bankruptcy. These people are/were predatory lenders who've made horrible decisions and gambled with money they could not afford to lose! Let them fail. Click on the Ron Paul hyperlink. He is a true Libertarian and American patriot, and HE WAS THE MOST VIABLE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!

Stepping off of my high horse now...

I laughed very heartily.


Tool. You either get it, or you don't.


You ok?-BK

I don't mind having colds in the winter. They seem appropriate for the season. Tolerable even. But colds in the summer, colds in the summer suck, and make me very sad. At least it isn't cancer.

I'm not taking down the gun picture. Unless, of course, anyone out there has a picture my mother would potentially find even more offensive. You know, midgets covered in bodily fluids, an interracial couple, or some such similar nonsense. For the record mom, positive to negative response is at 3-1. So deal with it.

You know a movie is good when it's almost taken for granted. This is such a great film. Just because these guys spend a lot of time on the pages of tabloid magazines doesn't mean they aren't capable actors.


SHIRLEY MANSON! (not bad as a blonde, better as a redhead)


Lack of words today. Go elsewhere for them. Don't stop 'til you get enough!

This pizza is acceptable.-BK

Warm and fuzz.

Since I'm at work and there isn't a whole hell of a lot going on, I figured I'd just write on the old computer for a bit.

I won't be at the Smiling Moose or Slapsticks! this week. Due to finances being ultra tight, I just can't afford the extra gas/beer money right now.

If you're going to take on the responsibility of spawning a child, please make sure that you are able to schedule extra time into the day, as people are tolerant of your perpetual life mistakes because they're at work, not because they're nice. Get up earlier, and hit your kid to keep them in line. Yes, of course hitting is "wrong," but fear is an excellent motivational tool! Fucking irresponsible parents. I always laugh a little to myself when I see some young, probably college-educated mother or father, kneeling down, looking directly into their child/Hellspawn's eyes, and attempting to explain to them why they need to behave better. It's a fucking child, not an intellectual equal. Beat it like a puppy until it stops pissing and shitting on life's proverbial rugs... as long as you're not hitting with a closed fist, that is.

I've been tapering back on the drinking a little as of late. I really need to develop and implement some sort of a system or something. I don't think I can ever, nor do I want, to stop drinking on the long term, but I all too often cannot control the amount of alcohol I consume once I start drinking, especially if I'm alone, which is why I rarely, if ever, keep booze at the house. This isn't as visible as it would seem to be, mostly because I "sweat it out" a lot when I'm dancing, but if I was to drink as much as I do when I dance, when I don't dance, I probably wouldn't be aware of anything around me, if I wasn't unconscious all together. Seriously. I'd make Mel Gibson look like (even more of) a pussy!

I was thinking of this on the drive to work, while I was watching a construction worker weld with no eye protection, and no gloves. Gore is funny.


Maybe I'll do two blogs today. Still early, after all.

If you're reading this on blogspot, the new picture is by Terry Richardson. I like it. It speaks to me, as the artists tend to say,

I don't want to, but I will do me best.-BK

Dull moments are still moments.

What a week! Good shows, new friend, fun dancing, and decent weather. Hopefully, this momentum will keep on going into next week, and well beyond that.

Show Tuesday. Smiling Moose. Buy me a beer and tell me I'm funny, but mean it from the heart.

Writing some Jesus material that may or may not be debuted. Like most things I write, it's hilarious to me, but some people feel threatened when they perceive their beliefs to be challenged. Seriously though, if Christ chose to reveal Himself to you, do you really think He'd do it via grilled cheese sandwich or water stain?? I mean, if I was the son of God, I'd play a sold out show at the Mellon Arena, or perhaps free Mumia or something... I wouldn't free him because I have any sort of opinion on his guilt or innocence, I just think a lot of liberal chicks who are atheists would fuck me. Even Jesus Ben has to cover all of His bases!

Now that I have some, not a lot, but some, money, I believe I'll order a pizza, as I haven't ordered a pizza in literally months. Besides being poor, my local pizza place went out of business, but I think I've found a new local pizza place. The taste buds will have final say. I think I'm going to go with straight cheese, as sauce taste is a biggie for me, and veggies can tend to overwhelm the taste of sauce. Is anyone reading this? Why? Why are the mundane aspects of my extraordinary life are of interest to you? Are you all waiting until I shoot something up and/or self destruct to cash in? So you can appear on the news, in shadow, voice obscured, saying that I was a good friend and a kind soul, but that something about me was always a little "off?" What the fuck!

Time for one video. Better make it count. If video clips somehow became sentient, and posted on little-known internet messageboards at three in the morning, discussing what the best Samuel L. Jackson clip of all time was/is, most would agree that this would be it. Only fucking amateurs would even mention Pulp Fiction, btw.


Maybe two videos.


That's that.-BK

Ultra dive?

Heart pounding, palms sweating, not sure of the right words to say, butterflies in your stomach, and it's warm. Man I love going to the bike shop!

I didn't buy anything. Just lusted and leered like R. Kelly at a school playground.

I didn't pee though. That's just sick!

I stepped my drinking game up a smidgen last night. Miller High Life. I felt like I should've been mowing the lawn instead of dancing. Perhaps just being really sweaty is license enough to live the High Life???

Have to work on Sunday. I hate working on Sunday, but I like having money. Decisions-decisions!

I was really looking forward to Pirate Night/Man Clan, but I gotta spend some time with someone of a higher priority:).

My mother is visiting in a few weeks. My freezer is looking forward to it's semi-annual full restocking!

I still have no idea how this was ever allowed to air on basic Cable, but my life is somehow richer for having seen it!


So funny! This dude understands the concept of movement. He is so light on his feet. Unbelievable.


It's nice that our government feels obligated to bail out large corporations, but where were they in June, when I was eating nothing but quesadillas due to my own shitty financial decisions? That's some bullshit. They can't help people get healthcare or jobs, but when a large group of old White Men need money, they come right to the rescue.

I love this song so much. Fuck you if you say you don't! Secretly, deep down, everyone loves this song!


Six pound NFG at the freight house for PHL 255.-BK

Smoking is not allowed in school.

I played fetch with a cat last night and this morning. That's a first.

I really need to clean my car, both inside and out. It smells like gym shorts. For a while, I'd just assumed it was because I'd left bike riding clothes in there, and they've "fermented", but I think it's something else. Oh well. Nothing a little green tree air freshener or three won't fix.

This band is about as noncommercial and artistically pure as it is possible to be in our warped, commercial, artistically slutty world. In addition to that, they also rock like the Devil would rock if He wasn't busy running things.


Apparently, John Mayer is into doing stand-up. I actually have nothing bad or detrimental to say about this. He's doing something outside of his comfort zone, taking a risk, and following an exciting path. Telling jokes alone, under bright lights, in a room full of people is never easy, regardless of celebrity status. Props, yo. Besides, anything that keeps him from wasting his massive guitar shredding ability on shitty pseudo-blues is for the better!

It looks like a nerd bomb of some sort went off in my house. Eighties movies, electronic music, ugly clothing, and porno litter the floors.

Is it possible to join the military and go straight to "crazy homeless war vet with a heart of gold, a story to tell, and a drinking problem?" If so, I should send in for my free video and wristwatch. I truly deeply hope that Godsmack is on the soundtrack.

Madonna + ABBA sample = Very cool!


It's fucking Eighties Nite! Dollar PBRs, sweating, and dance moves not seen since last Thursday! Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes!

This flick somehow gets lost in the subconscious of people everywhere. It shouldn't, because it's a perfect popcorn movie. The 'Burbs. Sometimes we tend to forget that Tom Hanks is deadly funny. After all, who didn't piss their pants when they saw The Green Mile?


I need to take my garbage to the curb today, as I've forgotten to do it for the past two weeks. Could be a problem if my garbage didn't consist almost entirely of junk mail. Dew bottle, food cans, and bread crusts.

This bridge is weird.-BK

Pepperjack

I love doing bar shows. For obvious reasons, I feel "at home" while amongst the inebriated. But I really hate stupid bar skanks who tend to think they're in some sort of interactive public performance. There's a reason only one person is behind the mic. I don't come into your home and yell before, during, and in between whatever banal banter you partake in, so don't do it at my fucking show! I forgot four jokes, including two new ones I was really excited about because of them. I should have jettisoned my set, and attacked these girls with everything I had, but I'm a nice guy. I mean a pussy. I am a big fucking pussy. All in all though, my set still goes into the "win" column. Whee!

Interesting how things and situations find you in life, even if you weren't particularly looking for anything. Maybe I should've started searching earlier, as my life is going pretty good right now. It's good to be excited about people.

I think the cleaning lady farted as she just walked past. At least, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. Ripeness.

I still can't believe this guy is white! When I found out a few years ago, I was absolutely floored. I think it was the musical equivalent of being adopted, and not knowing until your real dad shows up, fresh out of prison and in good with the Lord, or something like that.


My body is having trouble adjusting to my new "lack of" sleep schedule. Also, going to sleep relatively sober is proving challenging. Loud Dutch voices.

I lost my earlier blog while attempting to post it, which does upset me. Genius lost forever.

Hey comedian! Got a good show coming up? Not without motherfucking Ben Kenny you don't! Get at me.

This song has been in my head all damn day. Not a bad song, but still. Small doses! Small doses.


Seems like everybody is writing Kid Rock material these days.

Mostly unfunny, absurdist, and crass, but brief moments of brilliance from this show...


I have to be at work in the morning.-BK

No time to bleed.

Shadow Lounge went decent last night. It's always a bummer to do a show where comedians outnumber audience members, which was pretty much the case last night. However, through sheer force of will, I was able to go out and rip the fucking room apart. I've been using/trying a few "Jedi mind tricks" lately, and they seem to be working quite well for me. It's always great to hear the loudest laughter in the room come from the comedians. It is better than regular laughter, because laughter from a comedian is always genuine, heartfelt, and quite often, exceptionally rare.

You should see Travis Walling. He's a new-to-me comedian who has really, really, really strong jokes. I'm actually a little bit jealous of his writing, because it's something I'm confident of in myself. He might be a better writer than me, and that scares me! Zimbabwe Coke machine inflation jokes are fucking hilarious, and utterly brilliant.

The subtle Irish accent is what really sets this piece over the top. Don't watch this if you hold the Catholic Church near and dear. Or do. It's four minutes of laughs.


Some people have asked if I just surf YouTube and hate myself all day. Basically, yes.

Friday is Pirate night. It's going to be totally ARRRGHH!-rated. I can barely wait, even though I might not be able to make it out for the full brunt of the debauchery.

I love the hook in this song. Had it come out earlier, it could possibly have been the song of the summer. I love the producer too, not only does he love using synthesizers, he spells his name with a fucking hyphen! "The-Dream." How badass is that?


When Batman poops, does he take his cape and cowl off, or does he just hold it to the side with one of his hands? Does he eat Mexican food? I bet he has to be extra careful when he wipes, you know, with the bladed gauntlets and all.

I pretty much hate David Cross, but I totally adore Run Ronnie Run.


I should travel somewhere. Somewhere other than my parents' place. Soon. Gotta rob someone or sell myself to medical science in order to pay.

Scientologist is the new Jew. I don't have much more than that right now, but when I do, it's going to be killer.

We can wait all night.-BK

You can't make molehills out of mouse burrows.

Watched the Steeler game with a new friend of mine. Best Steeler game ever!

Driving through the Iron City after midnight, power was out seemingly everywhere. Luckily, the bar was not affected.

I like how all the freaky kids can scare the gay people off of their own dance floor. We're just too good at gettin' down!

I make my fabled return to The Shadow Lounge this evening after missing a few months due to sickness, travel, and alcoholism. It's gonna be good like the snack pack you find in the back of your locker at work, know to be expired, but like they always say...


Deadsy. The lead singer is the spawn of Cher and Greg Allman. Synth-metal? Pretty cool.


I was planning to not wear much more than underwear until tonight, which was a great plan, until I dropped a carton of piping hot fried rice on my chest. Great times. I am eating tofu off of the floor.

Since I have to shower and treat my burns, I suppose I'll put some clothes on a go see a movie.

She Wants Revenge. Ben wants Yuengling. Shirley Manson is incredible.

I did my part in keeping Pittsburgh "real" last night. Ripped some flowers out of planters. Felt bad. Then realized I'm a taxpayer, and can do as I damn well please. Fuck urban beautification is there are no jobs with fair wages!

The stock market is in the shitter. Again. When are we gonna learn?

Might go for a bike ride today. Might not. Probably won't. Shoulder is acting up on me.

No. Without the influence of Sesame Street.-BK

This is a poor course of action.

AWESOME! I only wish my parents had let me run with a fork. Best. Scar. Ever!

My car is back with me now. I overdraw like a Goth girl in third period art class.

Super-mega-fun last night. The music wasn't even that good.

Sia is so terribly articulate and soulful. The heir to Tori Amos? Red hair is hotter though.


I need to get a small, bistro-style table for my kitchen, as my actual kitchen table long ago migrated to the basement, where it's currently living happily in the guise of a laundry table. Bastard tables.

Not nearly enough people who should know better own this album. Go out and buy it. It's called "The Future Embrace," and it's better than whatever it is you're currently enjoying.


Are you, like me, waiting for this "Palin mystique" to wear off? For the whole of progressive, modern America to collectively gasp, and say: "No fucking way!"

Really though, she's not even a quarter of the man Hillary Clinton is.(I know that shit was "hacky." Fuck you.)

One armpit always smells worse than the other armpit. I suppose this is one of life's great mysteries, right up there with why dogs eat their poop, and how Dane Cook has a successful career.

Oh yeah, show last night was OK. Made people laugh. Old people dislike penis/hopscotch jokes. If you ever find yourself in their company(you'll know by the smell) consider yourself warned!

Ike was/is no Katrina, and never quite had a "Gustav level of potential," but I think I'm going to be decently entertained for a week or two. The real tragedy is that totally rad train crash that happened in LA getting relegated to the back pages of public conscious. That shit is rad. Except for the dead people and all. That's kind of sad. You live in a land of fires, earthquakes, mudslides, drug abuse, and sunshine, and you get killed in a train wreck. Oddly anticlimactic.

David Spade wishes it could be the mid-nineties forever.




Black bean burgers are so good. I'm eating three right now.

Ursula is a cool name.

Shit Sam, we're gonna have to dance out of spite!-BK

Stronger than all.

Fucking hipsters.

Living alone is weird, but at least there's always the voices in my head. I just wish I could speak Dutch so I could understand them. They sound angry an awful lot though.

This is the best comedian you've never heard of. He's a writer for Chris Rock, and he is no slouch onstage himself. This is one of those shows that was just too brave to continue living, even on late night cable.


I have a busy week of the awesome that is my life ahead of me. Show/hanging out tonight, hanging out/dancing tomorrow, show Monday, show Tuesday, going to see a house DJ Wednesday, and dancing Thursday. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna persevere. I'm gonna shine like Destro.

Went to see Burn After Reading yesterday. A lot of people can't appreciate a movie like this, because they can't understand that it's more than simple story telling. Movies like this are a tapestry, a forest of ideas and words. Sometimes, you need to watch them two or three times. This isn't the best Coen Brothers movie, but it's still better than 85% of everything ever released. There is no actor on earth who can make the word "fuck" sound as eloquent as John Malkovich does. He gives your ears candy.

It's raining here. Makes me sad. Can't ride bicycle without getting swamp crotch.

It's about time to do the mothafuckin' dishes. Eating grilled cheese out of a bowl is awkward, and even more depressing than eating grilled cheese off of a paper towel.

Coolest band in the world. Just cool. Cool like I could never ever be, and if I couldn't be this cool, it must mean you guys are total squares. I can pull of a lot of crazy clothing, but I wouldn't even attempt a jacket like this. That's cool.


I really miss my dog. If I didn't have to have so much fun this weekend I would've flown home just to hang out with him. I hope he makes it to Christmas.

I stopped caring about typos and grammatical errors a while ago. Proofreading is for journalists.



There's a parade today. I've just realized my car's been towed. FUCK!

It does work.-BK

Fresh from Bernie Mac's.

Every September 12th since the year after "the big one," I get secretly bummed there wasn't another awesome-in-scale terrorist attack. Not because I hate America or Americans, but more on that primal, violent level of entertainment, just like with Ike, which is proving to be quite a fun little storm to follow. I bet a lot of Texans are not too stoked right now, but the "certain death" weather warning is possibly the coolest thing in the history of ever!

(I know I'm going to Hell. I know it. At this stage, I'm want to get into the VIP room. I've always wanted to meet Princess Di.)

Goodness gracious, last night kicked ass on about 743 different levels!

Two separate groups of friends made it out to The Obey House just to see me perform. Big thanks to Chuck and his friend Rizzo, and to Lori and Brandon for coming out. It's always nice to see a few friendly faces in life, and especially nice to see them in an audience.

Everyone was laughing heartily, and my set was strong like an East German women's table tennis player. Who drops Bernie Mac death jokes? Ben Kenny drops Bernie Mac death jokes, motherfuckers!

Thanks to Brad Ryan for having me out. Brad is one of the under appreciated soldiers of Pittsburgh comedy. He puts shows together while most of us sit around in our apartments, shirtless, listening to Richard Marx, eating bread and butter off of a paper towel contemplating if it's time to poop or not.

Brad is also one of those rare comic beasts who started making people laugh a little later in life. It's good to see people who aren't in their twenties, white, male, and pissed at the world doing comedy.

After the show, I went dancing, and dance I fucking did! So much fun was had be all people within a 10-15 foot radius of me on the floor. There's really nothing like sweating profusely on other people in an environment that is only slightly sexual. I was sweating so bad last night. I was my own personal storm surge.

I like walking in the door at 4:30 in the morning, and love knowing that I lived it up while others just went through the motions.

Four day weekend for me. Lots of relaxation and grilled cheese. Probably the new Coen Bros. movie at some point too.

Of course Zero 7 is British! Americans aren't this creative, and besides, Timbaland and Lil' Wayne aren't heard anywhere on the track!


The first recording I ever owned! My teenage neighbor gave it to me. She used to have a giant wristwatch on her wall.


Little Britain. These guys are monstrously funny! They're like a comedy zit that just keeps a poppin'.


I like my chair, because I can sit Indian style in it.

Let's get a smiley cookie!-BK

Happy Anniversary!

---------
Seven years ago today, nineteen men changed the world forever.

The majority of them were from Saudi Arabia.

We're currently occupying Iraq and Afghanistan.

Does that make sense to you?

The best way to honor the memory of the fallen, those killed in NYC, Washington, and Pennsylvania, and those killed in the bastardized revenge campaign called the "War on Terror," is to bring our troops home, and push for understanding and tolerance.

One man shouldered the blame for 9/11.

Maybe another can take us to a place where we don't bring attacks upon ourselves. Maybe he can lead us towards a new, better time. Maybe.

The voice of dissent isn't a voice of dissent any longer. It's now popular opinion.

End the war. It is a battle we will never ever win.

Bring the troops home.

As soon as possible.

Vote.
---------

This is probably the straight up funniest thing I've seen in a few years. I laughed so hard I bruised my wrist on my nightstand. Laughing spasms. If you don't find this funny, you don't deserve oxygen.


Show and dancing tonight. It's going to be epic. It's going to be fun.

---------

I was sitting in traffic yesterday, having a back spasm, needing to pee, and fretting about my finances. This came on the radio, and made everything better for a little while.


---------

Give someone you love a hug today. I'm going to give a part of myself a hug with another part of myself until fluid comes out. Twice.

Police work is for retards and jocks.-BK

I can get there.

The show last night was mediocre, but my set was spectacular! I really, really needed and wanted a set like this to come along. It's good to be reminded that you are indeed funny, creative, and able to make people laugh. Although I went to bed around midnight, the wave of energy I was riding prevented me from actually sleeping until after three. I'm really happy that I did well, as it's often quite hard to stay motivated when you have my style, are performing for sparse(at best) crowds, and are working for free. Actually, I'm working at a minor, but still tangible, loss, as there is very little money in the PGH comedy scene. I do it for the love of the game, and for the rush.

I'm excited about Lance Armstrong returning to cycling, but I fail to understand why anyone would throw away a retirement that consists entirely of fucking starlets, running shirtless on the beach, and being paid vast sums of money to wear yellow clothes? I'll be rooting for him though. I think he's made the right choice in making his drug tests public as well.

Ike simply doesn't have the entertainment value that Gustav had. We need to build more massive cities at or below sea level on the Gulf Coast. Equip them with cameras, so that when the inevitable happens, I can sit in the comfort of my home, drink beer, listen to metal, kick back, and enjoy the show.

I like that humans are still trying to learn! As for creating a Black Hole, didn't we do that when with the Wayans Brothers, excluding Damon and Keenan Ivory of course?

I wish more people were super rich and could say how they really feel. In our society, the true shame is that a (lack of) belief system such as atheism is often persecuted and disrepected, but it's A-OK to worship wealth, a hateful God, and superficial beauty from sunrise to sunset.


Heard this song on the best jukebox in the world last night and realized I had forgotten how much this band rocks! Subtle humor this is not. Balls out, so to speak.


Running sucks. Running sucks so bad. I hate running. Especially from the police.

I am going to do laundry, eat a gluttonous amount of food, and sleep tonight. Nothing can stop me.

Yet again, people from Britain are not afraid to be super creative and have fun. People from Britain spit in the face of the possibility of failure.


I got three new pairs of work pants, for free, because some people can't hack it. Good for me on all ends.

Let's not go Outback tonight.-BK

What's good?

It's raining here. When it usually rains two times a week, and doesn't rain for a while, you begin to notice the rain falling again. You remember how green things tend to be, and what the smell of wet forest smells like. Happy times.

Where have I been? This dude is hilarious!


I meant to ride my bike into downtown and take the bus today, even packed my shit last night and got up extra early, but the rain, man, the fucking rain.

There are only 2-5 TV shows I actually watch, because after the shows I watch are over, nothing is on but shitty reality television. For now, I only really need to turn on my television every Monday night at 8/7 central.

--------Y--------E---------S-------!----!---!----!------!

I get high on alcohol and life. Nothing else. Until I get rich and famous. Not that I wish to depend on drugs, but merely for business reasons. Drug problems will keep me perpetually in the press.

I feel weird. I got quite a bit of sleep last night, and was wired on Mountain Dew all day yesterday. Who knows?

Having trainees at work is the best. I will barely lift a finger all day today.

I got a raise!

Blast from the past.


Hang out with me tonight.-BK

My whole life is geared towards success.

Looks like I have to turn on my TV again. The new season of Terminator starts tonight! I hear Shirley Manson is involved. Woof. Ruff. Woof!

I'm still second job hunting. I'm still holding out hope for a "strip club secret shopper" position.

Busy week o' shows coming on up here. The Moose tomorrow, Obey House on Thursday, Slapsticks! on Saturday, and The Shadow Lounge on Monday. I do it up, yo.

Death Race needed a better script, but it was decently entertaining if you're into explosions, horsepower, gore, and machismo. Joan Allen was underused.

This was recently hurtled back into my world like an unexpected Godzilla attack. So bad, yet oddly hypnotic. I'm laughing out loud right now.


Is Kevin Smith back on form? Is Seth Rogen overexposed? Most importantly, will Elizabeth Banks show her tits? I've been waiting for two or three years, and Lord knows I've been good! Not really, but I haven't killed anyone or anything... Ok, ok, anyone important. Need to see her tits so bad!


It does look like Smith's writing is back up to snuff. Pink sweater puppies. Mmmmm...


Fuck it, if Seth Rogen can do, motherfucking Ben Kenny can do it!! I'm moving to New York in a few years and I AM GOING TO FUCKING DOMINATE EVERYTHING!

So anyways, I've been thinking of doing some sort of volunteer work. What, where, and how much is not yet penciled in, but I need to get out of my place a little more often without involving alcohol, debauchery, and fun. I need to feel guilty for a minute and then laugh about whoever I helped later on.

I've had a pint of ice cream in my freezer for over a week now. This is a new personal best for me, especially when you consider the fact that said ice cream contains peanut butter!

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. I know own a copy of Rad on DVD. I pretty much got a full on boner when the dude said he had it for sale. Not really, but I did squeal a little.

YouTube is giving me back my youth!


New work schedule means sleep at or before 1 am, but no worries. I scheduled my party night to run into a day off. Recovery is an important part of life, kids.

He needs coffee. Now.-BK

Eastbound and down.

Really really adorable and funny.

Kitten Vs RC Mouse @ Yahoo! Video

Not too much of note to report on the weekend so far. Did housework, went to my usual Saturday haunts and hung out with rad people, came home, and here I am again, spewing words to the screen, for you to read, and make references to in conversation, after I've been drinking, and I will wonder what the hell you are talking about. Again.

I did go for the bike ride yesterday, and it was totally awesome. It did sap my dancing energy levels just a tad. Couldn't throw down at the after hours as much as I usually do, but I still dropped it like it was hot and made a gun with my hand when they played M.I.A. Bonafide hustler making my name.

(I've been down with her for a few years now. Like the ODB mixed with Missy Elliot or something. Brilliant. Sri Lanka what?)


I've developed and am currently testing out a new theory on grocery shopping. Since I live/work/commute close to three locations of the same grocery chain(which I have a card for!), I am now buying food on a "need to eat" basis. This means I'm stopping in the store, basically, every two or three days instead of once every two weeks. Goals of this nefarious plan are to reduce food costs(already low) eat fresher foods, and add a little bit of variety to me diet. Things seem to be going alright so fair, but we're really only in the "ripping down the statues of Saddam" era of the operation. Time will be the teacher.

You guys remember in Wayne's World when he sees the Excalibur guitar and says "It will be mine."? I saw a bicycle like that yesterday on this very screen. I want it like frat boys want Angelina Jolie. Fret not, Mom and Dad, I know buying it would not be a prudent financial decision at this juncture in life. But still...


With all the Heath Ledger hoopla (<---that shit rolls off the tongue) this summer, I think it's necessary for movie buffs, dweebs, nerds, and film fans everywhere to go back and view Jack Nicholson in Batman. His performance doesn't suck. Nor does Moon Township's very own Michael Keaton's performance. Good stuff. Kim Basinger is so fine.

Thrill Kill Kult show is nearing. I am getting excited. All will be right in the world on that evening.

Looks like the government has stepped in and taken over control of Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae. This is just great. I mean, if privately retained and well educated people can't run a company, government employees, the lowest paid and least educated of all people, anywhere, should be able to do a hell of a job. I mean, look at our huge budget surplus... oh yeah... "Well... uh, we got lots of bombs! If you ain't fixin' to pay us, we'll blow you up!!! In Jesus' name!" This means the government can now for close on your mortgage, but will also be providing you welfare! This is going to be the Tara Reid of business dealings for the next few years.

Those are the greatest shoes ever!-BK (I was at the gay after hours, saw the shoes mentioned, and for thirty seconds, became gayer than any two people in the place.)

That is not realistic.

Two amazing things happened yesterday:

1. I uttered a sentence possibly never spoken, not even paraphrased, in the history of human existence. That sentence: "Shut up guys, I trying to watch Timecop!"

2. I found myself in bed, and likely was sleeping by 11:30 last night. I got home from work, showered, and went to sleep, just to see if I could. I did manage to sleep until 4 or so, got up, surfed the web for a bit, and went back to bed at 5:30, sleeping until 12:40. Good times and rest, my friends. Cathartic and relaxing.

Even though I hate this band, their fans, and everything after the second season of the show it was the theme to, this is still a really great song, a once in a lifetime kind of song to write for sure. Very good.


Come to think of it, I even hate California itself.

I am planning on not leaving my house until I mop my floor, which means it will be a really half-assed mopping job, but oh well. Better than nothing.

This is one of those movies that you bring up in casual nerd conversation, and if the other nerd knows about it, well, it just proves they're nerdy to their core!! One of the ten best B-movies, if not THE best B-movie. There is more creativity in this film than it gets credit for. Do not watch if you are afraid of clowns.


This is a good cover because his voice is able to convey the feeling the Chris Isaak put out the first time around. It is the same in spirit, but not in sound, which is the whole point of a good cover song. He doesn't do it quite as well as Isaak, but the effort is quite admirable.


I think that is probably one of the new generation of songs appropriate for strip/gentleman's clubs. It's certainly no "Girls, Girls, Girls," or "Cherry Pie," but it's far better than any sort of hip hop, which gets played a little too much these days. White bitches dancing to hip hop is hilarious to watch, but not very sexy at all. It's because they have no ass or thighs on them, and that's what hip hop forces you to move. Of course some white bitches do have ass and thighs to them, but you don't see them working in a strip club, and for good reason. FYI, I counted only two c-section scars the last time I was out, which is impressive in a town like Pittsburgh. When I'm "in the club" per se, I don't make it rain, but I do look like there's going to be a hell of a storm, but then I just blow on out of town, leaving three or four dollars scattered in my wake.

If I gave you guys a survey of some sort, would you fill it out for me?

Totally awesome, but not for people who can't open themselves to it. Hairy stuff.

Might go see Death Race or maybe The Dark Knight again on Monday. Let me know if you're down, it's only 5 bucks all day!

The nation is great.-BK

You are beautiful.

Most of my evenings out are fun beyond the comprehension of most people. Last night set a new high water mark. It was so ridiculously fun. God almighty, I wish I could tell you, but as they said in The Matrix, you cannot be told, you must be shown. You must experience. So fun. Hope you enjoyed watching reality television for another endless night. You're dying, and you don't even know.

This sounds incredible. The guitars especially. Christ, this song is thirty years old! Insanomaticatron.


My hair is growing back, and is coming in rather sparse in thickness, earning me the nickname of "Charlie Brown" at work. I always pictured myself as more of a Pig Pen, but you gotta take what you get, nickname wise, at least.

Nicknames are always given by someone else, never self-appointed. That's one of life's unwritten rules, along with "leave the money on the nightstand," and "Miller High Life is best during, or just after, doing yard work," among other things.

I really hope my pedal is what's moving and creaking, and not my crank arm or bottom bracket.

"Medication for my shoulder? Of course I am, it's called 'Iron City.'"

I entered to win Janet Jackson tickets. Hopes are high.


Of course I'll be there, was there any doubt about it?-BK

Not even a middle finger for me?

In life, there are haters. We all know it, and we tolerate it. Sometimes, we even "hate" on things ourselves a little bit.

The majority of us are prone to "keeping it real." You know, "just livin', man." That's fine, and not a bad way to go through life at all.

Some of us, this noble literary soldier included, keep it "mad real." As in, we're hoping for a brighter future for ourselves and others, but mostly just for ourselves.

Even fewer have the capacity to keep it "realer than real." Most of these folks are homeless, so this category doesn't merit a lot of discussion or consideration.

But a few, a beautiful, glorious few, keep it "infinitely real." These people are too rare to die.

This is, quite possibly, my new favorite YouTube clip of all time. This is infinite real.


I realized I somehow managed to hook up two three day weekends in a row! Score.

This is why the internet is awesome. Brian Tunney is not afraid of creating.

I'm still getting skinnier, so that's good.

I've cut my pop/soda/coke consumption drastically. I drink at or below the "you better be in bed by ten!" level of my childhood. In fact, before breakfast(overtime treat/tradition) this morning, I have trouble remembering the last time I went out to eat when I wasn't in the company of friends/drunks, so that's another small victory in this little game called life.

I'm listening to Anthrax. I've been heavy on the thrash as of late. Why? Because thrash is awesome, of course!

Steve Swanson is avant garde without even trying or a 100,000 dollar education. He rules.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I've now had a cold of varying sneeze strength and mucus intensity for over a month. Fuck Airborne, and fuck "sweating it out!"

When I found this music video, I came very, very close to shedding multiple tears and getting red in the face for an hour or two. This is on my eternal Top Ten list. Best. Lyrics. Ever!


I got shows like P. Diddy has baby mommas. You don't even know.

There's nothing more to say, but let's keep talking, I'm lonely as hell.-BK

We're gonna party like it's your birthday.

Finally got overtime at work. 2.5 hours, but I suppose it's better than nothing.

Tomorrow is my 4th anniversary with Southwest. I love my job!

Show was miserable last night. Just miserable. Seven people and a Great Dane. Whatever. No quitting and no surrender.

I'm hoping to do some bicycling this weekend. Haven't rode my bicycle just for the sake of riding in a surprisingly long time. I often ride to the bus stop, bar, or store, but a plain old simple bike ride is rare for me. I'm gonna pack some PB&J and maybe a Gala apple. Nothing big, just 20 leisurely miles or so.

We are currently in the end of summer desert known for shitty films. I hope that late fall/winter gets here soon. Christ.

I like this because it was made with pure love. This is how we should all feel about dogs. It says it all.


Recently found out about the tragic loss of a neighbor from my childhood. Someone I literally grew up around. Nature certainly dealt him a shitty hand in life, but it never stopped him from achieving. If it was something physical he was learning, he would be outside from the time he got home from school until dusk, practicing over and over and over again until he got it, day after day. He charged full bore at everything, hurling basketballs at a regulation height net when he was a 60 pound third grader, jumping a four inch curb at full speed on his bike, or even just cutting grass. The last time I saw him, he was rocking a fauxhawk in a letterman's jacket covered in various insignias, and was taller than me but still barely 110 pounds soaking wet, and he looked me in the eye when he spoke to me, something he'd never done when he was younger.

At 24, it sucks so bad to see people younger than you die. You can only hope they lived as well and as richly as they could.

Brandon, I will miss you. The world keeps turning because of people like you.

Zakk Wylde and his band, Black Label Society, are some of the unsung heroes of music. Massive underground support, but no radio airplay. This is rock and roll, and it's worth a listen. Besides, skulls are fucking badass! (His main gig is playing guitar for some guy who bites the heads off of bats and pisses on the Alamo, so you know his shit is mad legit.)


I'm looking for black on black Chucks, but they don't seem to ever have them in my size when I have the money to buy them. Bastards.

I love my Mom and Dad! Just thought they and you should know. No matter what.

I am in the early stages of Eurotrip 2009 planning. Estonia, Poland, Czech Republic, and maybe Russia, consider yourselves warned. Learn English and first aid, because it's gonna be gnarly as gnarly gets.

Awesome.

Tubular.

Radical.

Pleasant!

You can't fall down, because you'd die.-BK

Gotta keep it real, at all costs.

Who's hanging out with me at the Moose tonight? Pregnant VP candidate daughter material abounds!

The new Metallica single has dropped. It's eight minutes long. Eight minutes! It sounds like it fell out of 1986, or at the very worst, right off of their Black/Metallica album. Watch and listen. Death Magnetic new disc, and thrash is fucking back!

An actor who was involved in more films than almost any other two actors combined has died. We all knew him without knowing him.

Obey House is on for September 11th. You know I'm going to be tasteless and without respect. Think of me like an Evangelical commentator, but without the TV show, and with much smarter fans.

This troupe called it quits at exactly the right time. Their run was exceptional, and much funnier than anything else on the air in the Nineties, including SNL and MadTV.
They still got it. First two minutes are killer!


Sausages.


So funny. One of my favorite recurring sketch characters.


Canadians do comedy mad good.

Gustav was such a bummer. But not in an awesome way. I want more return on my emotional investment!

I haven't been sleeping well, but I have been writing instead, so at least it is productive use of time.

Salad days for life.-BK

This is the best tofu ever.

Hell of an evening last night. Danced like mad, hung out with old and new friends, stayed in control of myself, met people from the BBC who were ultra cool, and down for anything, and ended the night at an amazingly good Cambodian place. Rolling into bed at 5 o'clock in the morning is a sure way to be tired all day, but the exhaustion is a good way to remind yourself that your life does not suck. You live it, and you live it to the max. Fuck sleeping when you could be dancing at a dive bar!

As a bonus, I only spent 7 bucks the whole night!

Glued to the TV at work, and the internet while at home. Don't want to miss even one second of Gustav. So fun!

This is one of those scenes that precariously balances about five different things, managing to apply just the right amount of each. John Landis needs to make big budget horror flicks again! "Carnivorous lunar activities."


The last minute is more action-packed and gore-filled than many films are in their whole running times. EPIC.


Not going to do much of anything besides be sore and surly this evening. I am going to eat the rest of my Cambodian food though. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Oh yeah, before I went out yesterday, I made myself another pseudo-chicken burrito. It was at least as good as the first one, if not better. Shit, it felt like The Steve Miller Band was playing a concert in my mouth! Delicious.

Work-related news of the day is that Buckcherry, Nikki Sixx, and Kat Von D have all been spotted in the airport, heading home from their show yesterday. It doesn't surprise me that an act like Buckcherry flies commercial, but shit, you'd think Nikki Sixx(bass player for Motley Crue, if you didn't know) would have the cheddar to fly via private jet. I guess rampant coke abuse really cleans out the pocket book, or maybe it's just tough times for all economic brackets.

Hehe.


Sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it" and make your move.-BK