Just like that.

So I'm just drivin' along, returning from dropping off the customers' bags, minding my own business, and the front wheel of my baggage tug falls off. It was slightly scary, but mostly aggravating. Grrrr.

Fuck the New England Patriots! There is no reason a goddamn football game needs to be broadcast on two major, non-cable networks! Christ Almighty! As an added bonus, UFC fighting was on another channel, so I had an overload of douche bag-testosterone. Chuck Liddell is a badass though. I wouldn't want to fight him, even if I knew what I was doing, which I don't.

I will watch the Steelers game today, because that is what people who live in Pittsburgh do on Sundays.

Besides that, nothing.-BK

If you had that on file.

Mandatory overtime today. Not happy. Not happy one little bit.

I've been on the same tank of gas for almost three weeks. Weird.

MorningStar veggie food is the bestest!

Juno will be seen this weekend.

Everyone is injured at work. EVERYONE!

I need to go somewhere and tell some fucking jokes! Speaking of that, I'll be doing it at Remedy in Lawrenceville on Saturday night. Show up for the hilarity, stay for my set!

That's why I say "Hey man, nice shot."-BK

Ho Ho Ho.

Not a whole lot of xmas cheer here. Realized I forgot to mail my parent's presents, which is great. They're just gift cards anyways, as I'm too lazy to put much hard thought into what they want for xmas, and it isn't like I'm asking them.

Sweeney Todd!

Hand is chapped and cracked. Sweet.

Almost ate a chicken wing by accident today. It was very, very close.

Later skaters!-BK

But the other one.

Not much to say. Enjoying my two days off. Writing. Watching TV. Just chilling out and staying the fuck away from the mall. Christmas plans sorta/kinda coming together.

Later.

Just one of those things.-BK

Must be some good genes.

Britney Spears' sixteen year-old sister is pregnant. This is horrible for her, but totally awesome for most of America! Entertaining shit. Bad for the kid though. Really bad for the kid. She said she's gonna raise it in Louisiana, so it can have a "normal childhood." Uh, both Spears sisters were born and raised in Louisiana, and, uh, we saw how that turned out, so, um.... maybe raise the kid at the Palms??? Fantastic.

Sometimes, I don't know why I bother to tell jokes.

Xmas shopping this week. Ugh.

New Dave Gahan(Depeche Mode) solo record out today. I will buy that too!

Helicopter in Rio.-BK

Raliegh-Durham bag in error.

"What the fuck?! Why do you need goddamn bubble wrap on a piece of fuckin' steel that weighs two-hundred pounds!!! FUCK!" - Phil

The above is one of the funniest things I've heard in a long, long time. I guess you had to be there, struggling and grunting with us.

Have you guys seen the AT&T commercial with the gingerbread man and son? That shit is also quite hilarious!

Shoulder is in pain.

I thought I got some porn in the mail yesterday, as there was a large brown envelope with something thick inside. I was both confused and excited, as I did not remember ordering any porn. As it turns out, it was a mere gift card. Lots of wrapping for nothing. The food I bought with it was good, but that doesn't justify the unnecessary stirring of my loins!

Jokes tonight. Gonna bring the house down. Let's do this.

I'm telling you, burritos are the new pizza! -BK

Flesh off the bone.

Looking for the best place to see live music in Pittsburgh? I'm damn near 100% sure it's the 31st Street Pub. It's dark, crowded, and utterly devoid of beer signs and title sponsors.

Last night, I went there to see Blindsider, a damn fine band with a front lady who could wail like a banshee while strumming the bass like it was her bitch. Great, epic, slightly-spacey guitar work as well. Frentic, but never sloppy drumming. I do believe I will make efforts to attend more Blindsider shows in the future.

The other bands on the bill were great as well. The Melissa Quinn Band, and headliner, Rainstation Zero, are also both fronted by women who have enough vocal chutzpah to hang with a hard rock band. Rainstation Zero's guitar work was interesting.

I got very buzzed off of three Jack and Cokes. I'm pathetic.

What shall I do on my one day off?? Sleep. That's what I already did. I will take in a screening of I Am Legend. Yes, that is what I will do. After that, I will eat something delicious and fattening.

All about the fuckin' money.-BK

I guess I will heat up one of my thingys.

Life dealt me another shitty card this morning.

As I was going out to The Warrior to head to work, a fucking raccoon literally jumped out from beneath The Warrior's undercarriage and attempted to attack me. It charged, but must have noticed that I had a few inches on it. It then scampered back under the car. I was running late, so I simply hopped into my car(through the hatchback), started it up, and drove off. I didn't hear or feel any bumps, so I'm assuming the little bastard got away.

I did get some hella-good sleep time in last night. I went to bed at 9:30, right after 30 Rock. It is my firm belief that 30 Rock and The Office pretty much represent the only hope for comedic creativity on American public television, since Scrubs is in it's last season, and My Name is Earl is starting to become slightly cliche.

Alec Baldwin never needs to leave America.-BK

Bass solos need to occur more often in life.

Fucking freezing rain. Goddamn freezing rain to Hell! I am wet, cold, and generally not happy right now. My hands are so soggy and cold they've only recently recovered from "crab mode" which is pretty much what it sounds like. Bummer.

There's a totally awesome Bad Company song on right now!!

Back to 5:30am start times next month. It was really nice to be able to sleep for more than five hours a night this month. I'm going to miss it. At least I'll get more of the precious, sacred overtime on my new line.

I've worked at the airport for 10 months, and only this morning did I find out there's a Victoria's Secret and a Gap here. I need to be more observant.

I made a delicious vegetarian Philly cheese steak thing yesterday. My stomach didn't agree, but it waited until this morning to tell me, which was nice of it.

Water somehow found it's way into my "big closet." There are no water marks on the ceiling or walls, and I can't hear any dripping, so I'm a little perturbed. It does seem to be drying up however, it's leaving a nice, musky, dank-ass smell, so either way I gotta call the property manager man. Argh. None of my stuff got ruined, so praise the Buddha for that.

I gotta fuel my tug up.-BK

Slim multimedia camera phone.

Yesterday I watched MTV Cribs at work because nothing else good was on. The guy from Nickleback's house was on. For most of the rest of the day, I had crappy ass corporate rock in my head. Thanks MTV. Thanks a lot.

Also, MTV seems to be supporting Against Me!, a totally awesome and rocking punk rock band with ethos and ability and whatnot. Does this mean Against Me! has sold out?? I don't know. What I do know is that their major-label debut, New Wave is on my albums of the year list for sure.

Look for my "best of" lists sometime in the next week or two.

My left arm hurt like the dickens this morning when I woke up. I thought maybe I was having a heart attack, but I think I just slept wrong, as it's been 6 hours and I'm still alive.

And now I have a Three Doors Down song in my head. Great. Just fucking great. Must...find...rock and roll!

Speaking of rock and roll, Led Zepplin might be doing a reunion tour. I don't know how to feel about this, as they are damn near the greatest band in all of recorded history. I don't want them to sully their own memory!

I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car.-BK

Robert Allen Zimmerman

I'm Not There, a movie based on Bob Dylan's life, is easily one of the coolest things I've seen this year.

It features six actors playing six characters, influenced by, and based upon different times in Dylan's life. If you like movies with a beginning, a middle, and an end, you'll hate this film, but if you like art and are willing to be surprised and led on a journey, you'll be amazed at what has been brought to the screen here.

I've never been one to run around waving the "Dylan flag"(all of his songwriting isn't that great), but I walked out of the theater with a new appreciation for one of the most influential people of the twentieth century.

In weirdo news, I found Cate Blanchett strangely attractive, even though she was portraying a male character. What is wrong with me?

---

My sickness came back for Round 2. I was ready this time. I think I've beaten it down.

Got a show next Saturday night. Big time. Christ, there might be twelve, maybe even, fifteen people there!

I fucking hate Xmas shopping.-BK

(That's right, I keep the "Christ" out of Christmas. Take it.)

Oddly enough.

Today there is no random banter.

Check out thebestpageintheuniverse.net

You're welcome!-BK

Two large planes.

Did a "comedy show" for virtually no one last night. It was at a comedy club and everything. I'd rather do material in front of twenty people who hate it than no one. At least that way I'd be able to tell if my stuff was any good or not. Woe is me, I love Pittsburgh so much, but this is fucking killing me!

Cleaned my apartment today. Not in a "peed a little on the seat" way, but a "I need this place looking like a medical lab" way. It felt good, even though, technically, I'm only half done with the job.

I've also been nerding out, watching Firefly on DVD. If you aren't familiar with the show(it only ran for 8 episodes) it's a science fiction western were people fly through space dressed like cowboys and "talkin' country." They even have their very own fake swear words!! As with all things good, the network cancelled it because they "couldn't find a fan base." Did the check the basements and crappy apartments of America!? Gorram stupid they are!

Out on the town tonight. Solo. No comedy. The first Saturday night in ages I've done this. Looking very, very forward to it. Even have a fancy outfit and everything.

Joss Whedon is God!-BK

House Blend with creamer and sugar.

I caught the last half of Conan The Barbarian on TV this morning. It's the most badass of Arnold's films. There are giant snakes, whores, Asian mystics, big swords, scary dogs, guys with huge hammers, and James Earl Jones with "Cher hair." If you haven't seen this film, GO WATCH IT NOW! The blog will be here when you get back...

Selected quotes:

Thulsa Doom: Infidel Defilers. They shall all drown in lakes of blood.

Conan: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, and why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. Valor pleases you, so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, the HELL with you!

Mongol General: We have won again. That is good! But what is best in life?
Mongol Warrior: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair!
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!
Mongol General: That is good.

Wizard: He did not care any more... life and death... the same. Only that the crowd would be there to greet him with howls of lust and fury. He began to realize his sense of worth... he mattered. In time, his victories could not easily be counted... he was taken to the east, a great prize, where the war masters would teach him the deepest secrets. Language and writing were also made available, the poetry of Kitai, the philosophy of Sung; and he also came to know the pleasures of women, when he was bred to the finest stock. But, always, there remained the discipline of steel.

Yeah. Fuck yeah!

-----

Did a show for four people yesterday. Three of them were laughing. I'll take a victory that's small in scope over a large scale loss anyday of the week.





No good movies are out.





No good bands are playing.





I'm working anyways, screw it.

Nobody knows about the kittens.-BK

Only missed by a fraction.

If you are nerdy enough, you are dimly aware of the fact that they are making a fourth Terminator film. As a science fiction/horror/action movie fan, this makes me happy. Today, I was filled with a sense of overwhelming joy and simultaneous sheer terror upon hearing some news:

The good part is that Christian Bale has been confirmed as John Connor in the new film, which takes place in the future, when man is on his last legs against Skynet and whatnot. I am super excited about this.

The horrible part is that McG is directing. If you aren't familiar with his work, consider yourself lucky. He brought us screen gems like Charlies Angels and Fastlane. Essentially, he's Micheal Bay without the talent, which says more than I ever wanted to say for Micheal Bay. McG better not fuck up this film, but by signing on to direct, I fear he already has...

Shows this week.

I still have a bad cold. Ugh.

Steelers vs. Patriots on Sunday. I don't even know why I care. I never really cared about football before moving to Pittsburgh. Must be the "we have nothing positive to look forward to in this town and no chance for change so GO STEELERS!" syndrome.

Not going to Chicago for Christmas this year.

Van Halen is playing here in March. If the tickets are under fifty bucks... maybe...

Boot shopping today.

House cleaning tonight.

Materials and products.-BK

Not Alone

The Man, the Myth, the Legend. Tough as nails and never afraid to fail. RIP

In other news, not much is happening.

Without warning.-BK

Like twelve or so.

Feeling stronger every day.

I have been listening to a lot of epic, heavily instrumental rock and roll music lately. Bands like Isis, The Redneck Manifesto, Mogwai, The Fucking Champs, The Polyphonic Spree, and Arcade Fire. It gives me a good feeling. So good, in fact, that despite Fall Out Boy's continued success, maybe music can make a creative comeback.

I shaved my head for the first time in a few weeks yesterday. If there was a power meter in the upper left hand corner of my life, it would read close to 100% and be a vibrant green in color. It felt awesome to have hot water cascading off of my scalp in the shower again! Most people don't and can't understand what that means, but I do, because I am in the know.

Steve Martin's new book Born Standing Up is a really good read. It chronicles his history as a performer up to, and including, The Jerk. He is a hero of mine. Besides being the first "huge" comedian(he was big before Carlin/Pryor peaked!), he's an accomplished banjo player, fiction writer, playwright, magician, and actor. Take a look back at the stuff he was doing in the 70's for a minute. He played a banjo, wore an arrow through his head, made balloon animals, and generally laid the groundwork for all future absurdest comedians. He didn't break the mold, he created it. He pushed comedy to a level it had never before been at. Sometimes, I think our ugly American culture takes Steve Martin for granted. He wasn't as flashy as Bill Murray, as over-the-top as John Belushi, or as edgy as Chevy Chase, but his legacy is far more impressive. Steve Martin, motherfuckers, Steve Martin.

We're gonna do it my way, or no way at all.-BK

dios mio!

I am sick.

I've spent the last day and a half lying in bed, alternating between being so hot I'm sleeping naked, and being so cold that I can't sleep, even in my winter sleeping bag. The one constant? Sweating. I don't even have a clue as to what is wrong with me, as I cannot remember being this sick since I was in grade school. Woe is me. More tea, Tylenol AM, and grilled cheese.

I managed to drag my ass out of bed at noon today and go see No Country For Old Men , which is a really fantastic film. One of the best of the year for sure, maybe even going onto the favorite movies of all time list.

Cattle gun.-BK

The luckiest by far.

I feel bad.

Don't worry though, everything will be OK! I wrote a fucking monster of a joke that only twenty percent of the average audience will get. It will be totally worth it though!

Dancing in the moonlight.-BK

Written by God himself and handed down to the greatest band in the world!

The wedding I've been in Chicago to attend was fun. My cousin got married in a nice, intimate little chapel with a small guest list and without a lot of fan fare. If I'm ever forced to submit to something as scary as a marriage, I'd try to model my wedding after theirs. It was good times, and the bar was an open one! Unfortunately, the dinner was your usual Chicago banquet hall feast o' meat. There was even bacon in the mashed potatoes! I had to eat 8 rolls and a lot of green beans in order to steel my stomach against the effects of the booze. I was with family after all, and I couldn't give them a reason to think less of me than they already do.

As always, the best part of visiting "home" was not sleeping in my old bed, seeing assorted family and friends, or even getting shitfaced. I got to see Otis! I wonder how many times I'll get to see the ol' boy(he's 13) before he heads to foyer floor in the sky? (BTW, we don't actually call it a "foyer," I just write really pretentiously.)

In happier Otis news, he still gets pissed when we play "Is Mom home?!" and "Belly rub/roll pinch." However, being my non-human son, he's developed a game to play with people that I'm sure he finds entertaining. While outside, he barks at the window, and when we open the door to let him in, he simply stands at the stairs and stares at us. A chip off the old shoulder, he is.

I had fucking rad veggie enchiladas while here as well. Gastrointestinally delightful!

Really looking forward to seeing No Country For Old Men this week.

Show tomorrow night. I've been spewing ideas a lot this past week, but haven't actually been able to progress them into jokes, which is the whole point, so it's been a bad writing week. Most of the material was/is about dwarfs, which is really cliche and stupid anyways.

Did you see the 300 parody on South Park? It involved Lesbians, Persians, and Mexicans. There was a Ms. Garrison sex scene, which is always entertaining. Looks like that show won't ever have a problem staying fresh.

Comedy Central and Comcast.-BK

Oh my God!

Today I watched Commando. It is Arnold's most-underrated and unappreciated film. He kills over 90 people on-screen in 90 minutes. He has killer one-liners, big guns, and Rae Dawn Chong is his costar! Seriously, check out Commando when you get the chance. The edited version is OK, you just miss out on a couple of "motherfuckers."

Going out on the town or something tonight. Party!

New jokes floated into my head today. I don't think much will come of them, but we shall see.

Back to work for overtime Monday. Sweet.

Take me home.-BK

Samsung a song to me.

Dane Cook is funny. I laughed. However, I felt dirty. Dirty like the time I took money to do that thing to that guy with the rash... He's a good entertainer, but he's a horrible, horrible comedian. Every time I watch him, he fails to let any sort of his true self out onstage. He's not one of the greatest of all time, despite what people say. In my opinion, the greats(Pryor, Carlin, Hicks, Stanhope and others) are letting the audience in on their neurosis and pain. There is nothing personal or intimate about working at Burger King. Stop it, Dane Cook, just stop it already!

I have been a couch potato today. I watched horrible comedians on Comedy Central for three hours. I'm ready for big things.

Later.-BK

Ben Kenny fights a dragon in his head...and wins!

Ever have a beer so delicious it seemed like a trick? I had one of those last night. Yuengling, I'm sorry we didn't see each other for a few months. Daddy will never treat you like that again!

Lately, I've been on a country music kick. George Strait, Travis Tritt, Clint Black, and even a little Hank Jr. Good times and good music. In fact, I was riding in West Virginia the other day and "A Country Boy Can Survive" came up on the ol' iPod. I bellowed the song at the top of my lungs while carving singletrack like a butcher, but my ride quickly lost it's "flow" as I'd forgotten to breathe while singing. Again.

Oprah is played out.

Survivorman beats Man Vs. Wild any day of the week, in any environment, hands down. Don't even contest it! Although the best wilderness survival show would(and should) involve Mike Rowe traipsing about with absolutely no clue as to what to do. But don't let him die! Just a little bit of Mike Rowe with severe hypothermia goes a long way in entertaining America!

It done gonna snow tonight. Stoked.

Monday night show at Shadow Lounge in East Liberty. Come on out for some good beer, waffles, and ass-kickingly funny comedy!

Get the fuck out of the road, you stupid deer!-BK

P.S. You should totally be down with Ron Paul!!!!!

You know, I'd still do Stevie Nicks... and Cyndi Lauper!

Spent two hours last night dialing in the disc brake on my mountain bike. I only burned the shit out of my hand eight times. Luckily, my hands already resemble Keith Richards' face, so it's no big deal. No stress.

Maybe I'll actually ride the bike tomorrow. That is, if my hands don't hurt so bad that I'm not able to grip the bar!

Remedy show went OK. Thanks for coming out. Dick.

Double shift today. At least I have the sweet, endless amount of channels on TV to keep me company. We watched an entire Culture Club video collection this morning while eating blueberry-chocolate chip pancakes. A good time was had by all!

No Country For Old Men is playing in limited release. Naturally, this doesn't include Pittsburgh. Ben Kenny loves most Coen brothers movies!

No shows this week, as I'm heading out of state for a bit.

New York!-BK

Dreamy.

Big time comedy show tonight at Remedy in Lawrenceville. Be there! I'm preparing with grilled cheese sammitches, a good deal of water, and some vegetable chili. I'm totally going to slay the room with my radical anecdotes!

Cleaned the bathroom while watching Seven. Multitasking rules!

I enjoyed my one day off of work this week. Looks like about eight more days of non-stop work and then I head to Chicago for a wedding. Free beer = 40% of Ben Kenny's cognitive capacity!

I cleaned my car today too! Take that, efficiency expert that lives inside of my head!

Fully alive!-BK

Thousands and thousands of dollars.

Last night was one of those shows that you'd prefer not to think about. Unfortunately, like your five year old son plummeting to his death from a high-rise balcony, it stays with you. Essentially, I had to ask, "I'm giving up my precious sleep for this!?" It's all about the love, yo. Thanks to Mo Mozuch for having me out!

Really looking forward to sleep tonight.

A day off spent doing nothing tomorrow. Perhaps I'll make some tea and read a book or some shit.

I did a load of laundry with a pen included. It's a nice way to totally ruin seven t-shirts, four of which were a part of my "performance wardrobe." Curses!

Bad to the bone.-BK

Indians on the war path.

Ron Paul raised 4 million dollars in 24 hours. Hell's yeah! Maybe the media should start giving him a little more face time.

I've had the song "Amanda" by Boston in my head all day long, and now they're playing it on the radio. It's an awesome song, but it always, ALWAYS creeps me out, because my sister's name is, you guessed it, Amanda. Good song though. Good song.

Spaghetti O's and corn chips for lunch. Well, not really Spaghetti O's. Generic stuff. I'm a super-savin' motherfucker, what can I say?

Does anyone else think Bon Jovi should just quit or die in a tour bus accident? Is it just me? Bon Jovi's new material seems to be utter shit. Not that their 80's stuff is extraordinary, but you know what I'm getting at, right?

I cleaned my oven yesterday. I'm such a pussy.

So tired.-BK

It's not a good time to catch a cold.

Not a lot of sleep this week, as my winter march of overtime and comedy seems to be rolling on. Oh well.

I'm gonna go to a job fair on Monday for Roughnecking. A Roughneck, in case you didn't know, does heavy manual labor on offshore oil rigs. I'm not really interested in the job, mostly just curious. I don't like swimming and I'm not big on massive explosions, but you never know.

Got put on a show tomorrow night, which is cool.

My fingers are starting to dry out and crack. I can't wait for April and good, un-cracked fingers!

No bike ride today. I had to vote.

ESPN is the Devil!-BK

I'm my own radio jingle, you stupid fuck!

I was driving to work this morning. Was everyone driving slow, or was I just driving 100mph and not even realizing it, again?

I can see it now:

"Sorry officer, I guess I just must not be awake yet. Oh, come on! It was just a little rollover accident!"

Overtime right now, a little bit o' Steeler/Heroes action tonight, and with some good luck, overtime tomorrow. Or a bike ride. First snow of the year and election day tomorrow. Bike rides are hard to come by in November, if I do ride, I'd better make it count. Can you hear the fat guy weezing, America?

If you're in the tri-state area, get your ass to Remedy on Friday night. SUPPORT LOCAL COMEDY!

We now have cable at work! This means I can watch Comedy Central! (Insert super loud, 1980's hair band scream)

Working on the night moves.-BK

P.S. I just added a calendar to the bottom right-hand side of the blog, check it out!

The World Famous El Cortez

Vegas was, as always, a total blast. I won 225 dollars, and gambled for over 30 hours, a new personal best. I'm no longer addicted to the game of blackjack, because craps now runs through my veins. It's the funnest shit ever.

Monster set was had last night in the comedy contest, unfortunately, because none of my few friends came out to vote for me, I did not advance. The judges all scored me very well though, which lights up the soul. I suppose.

I shot craps with Bruce Willis!-BK

Berkshire Hathaway is for pussies, yo!

Took in Saw IV the other day, and like most horror movies, the journey is better than the destination. The gnarliest part of the film for me was the autopsy scene, because they never once cut away. It is very straightforward and "gooey." I hope they keep coming up with more interesting ways to kill/hurt people, Saw films are always good for that. My favorite so far was the "bathtub o' needles" from Saw II. What's your favorite?

Big time competition Friday night. Maybe I'll make it to round two. I only get five minutes, which is a little shorter than I've grown accustomed to, so I'll be doing a "greatest hits/best of" set, with a few new jams thrown in. Hannah Montana ticket scalper jokes, anyone?

Look for something on the YouTube from me by next Friday. It's going to be a semi-regular thing, and it's going to fucking rule!

Nachos in Vegas by this time tomorrow!

Been reading the Forbes 400 richest American list. There sure do seem to be a lot of old white guys on it!

Not good looking, but, you know, I ain't shy.-BK

No time left for you.

Competing in a contest at Slapsticks! Friday night. I probably won't be advancing, but still, come out and support.

Day off of work tomorrow. I need to figure out a make up strategy for my Halloween costume, clean my bathroom, and sleep. Christ, I'm looking forward to sleeping!

Might go see Lars and the Real Girl as well.

Really excited about Las Vegas. I haven't traveled to anywhere except Chicago, West Virginia, and Wisconsin in like nine months. Oh, I went to New York once, but that was a business/research trip. It will be sweet to get away for a day or two. I'm not even gonna gamble that much. I'm just gonna "chillax" as the Southern Californians used to say before their homes all burned down.

It was really cold this morning. I'm a "hot sleeper," but I think it's about time to turn on the ol' heat.

70 bags already.-BK

David Byrne said it.

Ventured out to see a show last night. It was grand. One of my favorite recording artists, David Bazan, formerly of Pedro the Lion, played a solo show at the Garfield Artworks. He played quite a few of my favorite songs, and he played on an electric guitar, which actually is a great testament to how powerful his voice is. If you're so inclined, check out David/Pedro the Lion sometime, you won't be dissapointed. To offset the amount of emo I absorbed through the crowd's attitude, dress, and general presence, I listened to Mastodon all the way home. Mastodon is FUCKING awesome! I mean, a concept album about whaling!? Seriously!

Finally bought a video cam. Watch out YouTube.

Back to work in a day. Meh.

Gonna drink me some beer tonight, I think.

Dexter is a great show. Watch it. It's more interesting than whatever reality show is on. Well, maybe besides Cops. That show never fails to entertain. I hope I never become a "cast member" though.

I put out a personal ad on craigslist and got over 40 responses. There sure are a lot of people willing to settle out in the world! Pale, flabby, odd nerds rejoice.

Well, don't stop believing.-BK

Sit and watch the clouds roll by, the tall grass sways in the wind.

Mad props go out to Mo Mozuch for having me up at his CD recording last night. I had a great time, and I made people laugh. Plus, there was beer! A cat was chilling at the base of the mic stand for most of my set, and people were sitting on the floor. It had a very "Christmas special" feel to it. Tim Dimond told great, not quite racist jokes about Asian chicks, which is always funny.

Working a double shift today. It's rainy and shitty, and I'm tired. Ugg. (Not the boots.)

Off two days this week. How shall I spend it? Bicycle ride(s)? Cleaning? Sleep? Sleep sounds pretty good!

Las Vegas on Halloween! I'll be partying like Rick James did in 1982, but with no cocaine, bass guitars, vaginas, recording contracts, or dreadlocks.

I have a weird, inverted pimple on my back that's been giving me trouble these past two days. I'm poppin' the fucker tonight. It's gonna rule!

In other body-related news, the lump on my arm seems to be almost gone. Although I can't say I'll miss it, I'll always wonder what it could have been. Goodtimes.

My cousin's wedding is gonna be fun, I'm gonna see how drunk I can get before I fly to back and work at 5am the next day...

I really miss my dog Otis.

That hit the spot.-BK

How does one harden their heart and swallow their tears, exactly?

Came thisclose to hitting a deer at 4:49am this morning. Fucking deer don't belong in the parking lot of my apartment complex. I mean, really, they aren't even tenants!

Drove aimlessly for two hours yesterday. It felt good. I drank a quart of chocolate soy milk and at some Gala apples. Cleansing, yo.

Thrift store hunting for the second half of my halloween costume today. It's gonna be awesome. Wild beyond belief. If you're Amish, that is.

I have a weird lump about two inches above my wrist, on the inside of my forearm. It better not be fucking cancer. Cancer is not cool.

If you haven't heard by now, Ron Paul is the only hope for America. Rethink your priorities!

Tom Petty is good stuff.

More shows on the horizon. Including one Wednesday night.

Let's do this shit.-BK

One hundred dollar gas card.

30 Days of Night was a pretty decent flick. Not great, but it's good to see a vampire flick that isn't campy/melodramatic. It's also cool to see a vampire flick where the humans can't put up much of a fight. I'm just saying...

Green pepper, soy sausage, tofu eggs. De-lish!!

Back to work, back to overtime. Money!

I can't wait to get back to Chicago, but yesterday, as I sat on the bank of the mighty Mon river, I realized something: I really like Pittsburgh. Perhaps I'll move here again when I'm a big celebrity. You know, in order to avoid the blinding flash of the paparazzi.

Speaking of paparazzi, the TMZ show is like Access Hollywood, but with far less fake class and some really biting, funny voice over stuff. Also, I love watching Britney Spears. Sorry America, I just do.

I think I saw a midget with Downs Syndrome the other day. That kind of sucks.
HOMEWORK: If you had both and could give one away, what would it be, and why?

Holy shit! Dolly Parton still records?!

All is well. Remain calm.-BK

Ramp just wanted you to know...

Show last night went fairly poorly. My fault. I put nothing into it.

Hillary Clinton reminds me of every bad teacher I've ever had, including the male ones. I don't want a bad teacher running our country just like the class mongoloid is now. Gold stars and happy feelings don't pay mortgages or let people retire.

Jenna Bush is a moron. Books about single mothers in Africa with AIDS don't change the world. Activism, discusssion, and good, old-fashioned cash does. Too bad there's no oil in Africa:(

(Bow to the emoticon, bitches.)

Fall has fallen. Fuck, what a great pun.

Anyways, I need to go hoodie shopping, as the hoodie is the preferred method of warmth retention for those who live the Ben Kenny lifestyle. I'm down to two hoodies. If this was Wargames, I'd be at about Defcon 3.

I just picked up Garbage's album, Version 2.0. Yes, I know it's been out for ten years. That doesn't make it any less rocking. One of the more underrated bands of the "grunge" era, Garbage is.

I got nothin'.-BK

Nalgene bottles. Everywhere.

Lots of overtime. Very little sleep. It is catching up with me. Protect me, Almighty Dew!

30 Days Of Night comes out Friday! Excitement abounds.

Comedy show tomorrow night. I have very few new jokes. Curses!

Goodbye for now.-BK

Only at the all new Kenny Ross Toyota!

Total, earth-destroying, disaster was narrowly averted yesterday.

I'd been meaning to see The Heartbreak Kid as it's a Farrelly(sp?) Brothers movie(Kingpin, There's Something About Mary) and I usually get a good laugh at least once during their flicks. Anyways, whilst eating breakfast at a local, independently owned restaurant, "Eggs n' at," I overhead someone mention that Carlos Mencia was actually in the film! You can imagine my gratitude. Christ, I almost paid for the guy's breakfast.

Instead of seeing the movie, I just read a book all day. Good times.

I took a nap yesterday too. It was awesome. You know, when I think about it, I've never really had a bad nap. Have you?

Steven Wright is coming to town!?

Grocery shopping tonight.

Comedy at Shadow Lounge on Monday. Drag your sorry ass out there!

Comedy at Remedy November 9th. Don't say you haven't been warned!

Man, Bon Jovi aren't what they used to be.

Possible Halloween Las Vegas trip? Haven't been there in a year, and I need a few days away from the apt. Time will tell.

Phil Collins is the only logical choice at a time like this.-BK

Megan Fox is so hot, standing next to her gives Chad a sunburn.

Gnarly.

Overtime all the time!

Comedy show Wednesday at Affogato. Be there or be somewhere else.

Third nipple.

It is really hot for October. Really, really, hot for October actually.

Read Night Shift by Stephen King. It's short stories, so you can come and go as you please if you're not down with "big" books.

I had eight Entennemann's donuts, soy milk, and Iron City/Straub for dinner last night. Oddly, I don't feel all that bad.

Sleeping naked is the best!-BK

A positive impact.

My Mini-DV cam will become a reality on November 6th! Possibly earlier, but November 6th fo' sho! I am more excited about this than words can express at 6:51 on a Sunday morning.

I looked at a 4,500 dollar puppy at the pet store yesterday. Artificial insemination? Really? Indeed.

Seth Rogan hosted SNL last night. It was rather "meh." Spoon is wayyyyyy overrated as well. I went to bed after Update. Lame McGuyver ripoff(s) as well. Fred Armisen does a killer Gene Simmons though, I almost fell off my chair laughing. Luckily, I was pretty drunk, and barely able to move.

Spin, Blender, and especially Rolling Stone need to really stop giving Pete Wentz so much coverage. The guy is all hype and no substance! Christ, I am the only person in America who sees this?!

Writing a little more than usual lately. What other comedian do you know who does three minutes on the Outer Banks of North Carolina? Ben Kenny innovates yet again!

New work schedule today. More overtime is available to me. We shall see how it works out, yo.


Sexy, sensual messages./Picture yourself in a boat, on a river, with tangerine trees, and marmalade skies...-BK

Fuck you Kirk Cameron.

Why would I, a smart, well-read, free-thinkin' kinda guy watch religious television?

Simple.

I like a good laugh every once in a while. Extremely fake people asking for real money while singing about/praising their (mostly)fake God. Bibles for the Third World, hate speech, and anti-abortion rants just tickle my insides with a double dose of idiocy and foolish pride! "Christians" are always good for a laugh when you're feelin' a little down. Thanks Christian media! Ben Kenny needed that!

Show tomorrow night. SCHTOKED!

I like mac n' cheese!-BK

I'm interested in applying for a job.

Today, US Airways cut 450+ jobs at the airport. Bummer for those people, but it's expected from a company like that. Tens of millions of dollars to build a flight ops center, paint NFL edition aircraft, and pay outrageous bonuses to CEOs, but not enough green to figure out a way to keep people at work instead of on unemployment!. If US Airways goes bankrupt, (again!) I wouldn't really give a fuck either way, but I hope the employees can land on their feet. It's a shitty job market in PGH that's for sure!

Overtime this morning. Sleepytime tonight!

The War on PBS has concluded. Really moving, intimate stuff. Check it out if you can. I found it odd that they chose to ignore the contributions of the Hispanic community, but what do I know, I'm just a baggage handler!

Hey! Check out Ron Paul! Seriously! He's an American for the Constitution!!! Vote! Discuss! Bring troops home! Strengthen America!

I guess so.-BK

You know, I wanna do it again!

Look for Ben-daddy in Chicago in late November for my cousin's wedding and Thanksgiving. I can hear the questions now: "Still no girlfriend, huh?" "Why did you move to Pittsburgh again?" "I hear you're moving home to go to some comedy school!?" Joy.

The show at Remedy went good. The owners were cool, and gave Ben Kenny free beer. This makes Ben Kenny very, very happy! Ben Kenny would perform at Remedy again anytime! Props to Steve Swanson for having me out!

Been working overtime "up the wazoo" lately, which is rad. I'm looking forward to being able to buy new shoes! Not nice shoes either, just simple, everyday shoes.

Stir-fry is delicious!

See you later!-BK

I'm feelin' Froggy!

I had an awesome bike ride this morning. How do I know? Well, I left most of last night's dinner on the side of the trail(orally!) I saw some wild turkey as well. Sweating for recreation is fun. I don't do it nearly enough. Because I am lazy.

New work uniforms rule!

Apparently, Garth Brooks is making some sort of a comeback. I hope he bitch-slap's the fuck out of Toby Keith!

Eastern Promises is the best movie I've seen this year. "I am in the zone all the time."

Facebook!

I get to change in my car on the way to the show tonight. Awesome.

I watched the Republican presidential debate on PBS last night. Mitt Romney and John McCain weren't there, but Ron Paul was! Are you a Libertarian or simply not a fan of "big" government??? You might seriously want to check out www.ronpaul2008.com !

Live like you were dying Easter Eggs!-BK

Born to be mild.

I've been watching The War on PBS all week. It's a mini-series/documentary about World War 2 told through letters and interviews. It's quite good. The filmmaker decided to make it, in part, because WWII vets are dying at a rate of over a thousand a day. It's part of a larger project which aims to get "the greatest generation's" experiences documented. Essentially, our grandparent's past is becoming our history, and it needs to be better remembered. Tune in to it. It's enriching and whatnot.

Big, gi-normous, super gnar comedy show at Remedy on Friday night. Show up! Support LIVE COMEDY! It's five dollars for TWO WHOLE HOURS of HILARITY! It's cheaper than a movie, and most likely funnier!

I hate myself for liking Maroon 5.

I'm getting overtime up the ying-yang and I am happy(er.)

This is the start of something and the end of something else.-BK

Hello Ronce!

GO STEELERS! 3-0! I don't even really care, I just try to blend in.

No overtime tomorrow. Saddened. The time will be used to clean the apartment instead. Bummer.

Big show Friday night at Remedy in L-ville. Be there to witness some of the finest comedic talent in the tri-state region throw down! Also, I'll be doing a set.

I'm not really pissed about any one specific thing at the moment, but I'll try to focus my anger and post a nice diatribe on something within the week...

Oh God, Saturday Night Live has gotten lame. How lame? So lame that I fell asleep during the first sketch(traditionally the strongest sketch goes first, after the opener). Fire Andy Samberg! Hire better writers! I know it was a rerun, but it was the first time I'd seen that particular episode.

Har Har Har-BK

When the levee brakes?!

Rocking the mic at Slapsticks! tonight. You should all come out for the show. It's gonna be totally mundane!

I've been sleeping really well all week long. I don't know why.

Hopefully, I can get some overtime this weekend. I only have 110 bucks to live on for two weeks. The overtime won't effect that, but still. Bad times.

Oh yeah, it looks like I might have to replace a tire on my car. Stoked!

I've really been happy to be performing lately, because during the ten minutes I'm out there, nothing else matters, I have no stress except introducing new material, and I can just live in that specific moment.

If I could perform every hour of everyday, I would.

They made it sound like assigned seating.-BK

In the midnight hour she cried.

Why I feel no need to show any sort of common courtesy to Law Enforcement Officers: Part 359

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By now you've probably seen a young man forcibly removed from a public forum, restrained and handcuffed by five police officers, and Tazered.

I believe he was asking immature, inane, questions in a selfish attempt to get attention. He wasn't a respectful voice of dissent, he was rude and out of line. Yeah, he was being filmed, setting something up for his website or whatever.

However, that doesn't justify the fact that he was subjected to a Tazer episode. This is America, and we still have the right to fair treatment. The kid weighed maybe 150, wasn't intoxicated, was unarmed, and vastly outnumbered by "trained" police officers. He posed no physical threat to them, or the Senator. Some of those police officers should lose their jobs.

Don't ever be afraid to speak your mind in public! After all, Americans are dying in Iraq for you to have that right! Right???

Rockin' into the night.

I had a monster set last night at Shadow Lounge. I basically riffed for ten minutes, and got huge laughs. It felt really good to work a room with an audience consisting of more than other comics and the venue owner.

Went to see The Brave One. I think Jodie Foster needs to fire her agent. Her presence in that movie was an insult to her talent. And there's no way those were really her tits.

Fall seems to be arriving. Good sleeping weather. Not sweating my ass off on the job. Happy all around.

I haven't really been motivated to write all that much in the past week. Sorry(to both of you!).-BK

My life is changing like a female awards show host.

I sat down and wrote 9 paragraphs about random, but important stuff. Naturally, my computer froze.

I leave you with this:

If 1967 Lee Marvin fought 2002 Russell Crowe, who would win and why?

I didn't mean to, honest!-BK

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

9/11/01

Ben Kenny sits in his 1st period English class. Having heard a plane crashed into the the World Trade Center, he thinks, "damn, somebody must have zigged when they should've zagged."

Then, the TV got turned on, and Ben Kenny watched the second tower get hit live on the air. Throughout the day, he watched over 3,000 people die in a cowardly, evil, and unexpected attack.

Ben Kenny will never forget 9/11/01. In fact, in time, it will become the singular event that has defined his political, moral, and spiritual beliefs.

Six years later, he still sees America at war with enemies she has created in order to make the rich richer, the economy run, and people more docile.

9/11 will happen again next year. What will he be thinking then?

-----

Iraq has nothing to do with terrorism. If you want to end terrorism, end religion. Good luck with that.-BK

Unlock the door, you're acting like a child.

Goddamn it felt good driving into the city(Chicago) a few times this weekend! Seeing the skyline, cruisin' Lake Shore Drive, and visiting some old haunts just felt straight up good!

I CANNOT wait to move back here! There is nothing for me in Pittsburgh anymore, not that there ever really was.

Don't do three shots of J&B and then go out. Bad idea. Goodtimes though.

Britney Spears' career is dead. She sucked last night on the MTV awards. Because I like pain and I'm from the 'burbs, I forced myself to sit through the entire show. That's right bitches, I even watched Fall Out Boy's performances. Thankfully, Pete "I wrote poetry and listened to Morissey in high school" Wentz's mic went out for a while and I laughed. The Foo Fighters' party suite thing was by far the best. I like Cee-Lo even more after I saw him jam on "Darling Nikki" with them. MTV should maybe play a little more music videos, since apparently, the show was awarding little statues to artists who had music videos...

That's all.-BK

Stuart with his second, from 148 yards.

Shoot 'Em Up was a pretty fun time at the movies. It won't win an Oscar, or ever be able to be shown on network TV, but it's nice to turn your thinkin' mind off, suspend your knowledge of physics, and just watch extreme violence(that isn't Iraq war related) for an hour and a half. Check it out.

Going to a midnight Improv Olympic show tonight. Exciting!

Facebook is better than Myspace!

That's all for today.-BK

The Onion.

Tonight, I was fortunate enough to catch the South Park episode featuring Oprah Winfrey's "minge" and her anus, Gary. Why would a black woman have a vulva with a cockney accent and an anus with a Welsh accent? I don't know, but it's hilarious! In my opinion, this is one of the funniest episodes of South Park. It is most certainly in my "top five" list. It's up there with J-Lo hand, the cripple fight, and the creature critter Christmas shows! I'm laughing just thinking about it!

Spent almost the entire day waking my 14 year-old dog up from his peaceful slumber. He's lost some weight, and I play his ribs like a xylophone with his chew toy... I'm sick!

Took in Halloween today, and it was totally full of plot holes, there was no character development of Michael Myers past the first act(a major selling point of the film for me), and it got really cliche, really quick. Their was, however, an over-abundance of titties, which is almost always worth the price of admission!! Oddly, the girl who starred in the forth and fifth halloween flicks played a supporting part in this flick, and she has grrrreeat tits. She still sucks at acting though! In fact, most of the performances sucked! You know you're in movie purgatory when Rob Zombie's wife gives the film's strongest performance. Ugh! In summation, wait for the DVD, and even then, you might want to make a friend rent it.

I'll see you around.-BK

Tell you what?

Big news on the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon front!

Apparently, Jerry Lewis uttered the slur "fag" during his telethon yesterday. I know, you're probably thinking just what I'm thinking: "Jerry Lewis still has a telethon!?" He's a has-been, sexist, racist, and now apparently homophobic guy who has no cultural relevance. It's sad that the biggest coverage he can get involves a slur...

---

In other news, I'm gonna be chilling with Otis in Chicago for a few days. Should be a fun time!

Heroes is a really fascinating show. However, I liked it better when it was known as The X-Men!

I wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside.-BK

I hate sports.

Went and saw Death Sentence last night. Overall, it was a decently entertaining, well put together, revenge flick. Kevin Bacon ruled as he always does, and John Goodman redefined the stereotypical chop shop owner/gun dealer part. He was a great comic addition to the film. I wasn't impressed with the antagonist, Garrett Hedlund(Four Brothers) In my opinion, he's just not that good of an actor.

Two days off this week. I'm gonna spend them cleaning my place up.

My arms are covered in soda, and very sticky, as we were cutting open cases of pop and managed to cut too deep several times. Profit-sharing dollars down the toilet. Bummer.

Get it on!-BK

Youth Pastors are stupid, stupid people.

Nothing of note going on here in Benland, but I feel that you should have something to read, so in the words of the great Jimmy Page, I'll "ramble on."

Kevin Bacon is a totally underrated actor, and deserves more accolades than he gets. I say this because I just watched The Woodsman, which is a gem of a film. The dude has massive talent. MASSIVE!

Robinson Township, PA, needs to put in some goddamn sidewalks, as riding my bicycle down the street with tire-eating sewer grates and kids in Honda Civics passing me at 60 mph is slightly disconcerting. Luckily, I only need to go to Target once every month or so.

Famous Footwear sells a lot of ugly ass shoes. The ones that look good are just as expensive as they are in the mall anyways...

I ran a mile and a half last night. Amazingly, I survived!

Bought UHF on DVD. Weird Al rules!

No performances this week. I'm taking the week off. Doing comedy in this town is like being kicked in the balls for 10 minutes by Pele. It isn't fun, and I question whether it's even worth it.

In Chicago. September 5th-11th.

Which reminds me. Six years since 9-11. No Bin Laden. No peace. No hope for this country. Six years!

Laterz-BK

Ping Pong is not the macarena!

Balls of Fury was a nice little distraction from reality. A few jokes were flat, but I still had a good time. Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant are pretty funny dudes, but they're funniest on Reno: 911. I hope that show still has a few seasons in it. Their earlier(1992) show, The State is coming out on DVD. Pick it up.

I overslept and was late for work for the first time ever today.


Look for me asking some hard questions at Steve Swanson's show, Trailer Park Trivia, on Thursday September 13th. I'll probably throw in a few crappy jokes too!

Today I'm going grocery shopping!

Well!-BK

How do we sleep while our beds are burning?

Interesting political news on local and national fronts...

A. Pittsburgh's 27 year-old "mayor," Luke Ravenstahl, says he doesn't see a reason not to attend 9,000 dollar a person golf tourneys on UPMC's dime. He stated he doesn't see a problem with them paying for him to golf, even though they have huge contracts with the city of Pittsburgh. Chicago-style politics in Pittsburgh! I love it! Everybody knows most politicians are whores to corporate America, but shit, at least have a little class! Do it under the table, like New York, New Jersey, Illinois, Washington D.C., California, etc... I guess he gets a "by" as he's young, and still learning how to best fuck over his constituents.

B. An Idaho Senator got arrested for trying to get a little man-on-man action in an airport bathroom stall. As always, shit like this makes me smile, but you know what makes it even better? That's right, he's a conservative Republican! Seriously America, how much longer are we going to be apathetic to our morally-barren U.S. Senators??? The War, the Page scandal, Gary Condit, and now this dude! It'd be hilarious if it was on ABC, but unfortunately, these people run the country!

----

It's not humid, but it's still hot as fuck out. I'll take what I can get.

Pretty stoked on the upcoming movie season. Halloween, Shoot 'Em Up, Balls of Fury, The Brave One, Death Sentence(Kevin Bacon as a vigilante killer, FUCK YES!) and 3:10 to Yuma all look pretty entertaining, if nothing else. Two of these movies are remakes, but at least they have interesting directors and/or actors attached to them. Time will tell.

That concludes today's lesson.-BK

And you flew your Leer jet to Nova Scotia.

It is hot, humid, and generally shit outside today. Be glad if you don't have to be outside laboring.

I've been shopping around for a Mini-DV camcorder to start taping my sets and posting video blogs on the web and whatnot. Look for that in 2008, which will coincide with my return to the Windy City. It's gonna be fucking sweet!

No decent-lookin' flicks out this weekend. Oh well.

Bought Where Eagles Dare yesterday at the Giant Eagle. It was $6.99 and features Clint Eastwood killing countless amounts of Nazis. It's quite awesome. Netflix it!

I'm getting really into Jericho on CBS. God help me.

Today, I learned all about Tears for Fears, GWAR, and Keane on Wikipedia, amoungst many other, interesting but non-musical entities.

Tap dancing on a landmine.- BK

I wanna get lost in your rock and roll.

You deserve a break from my daily bitching and raving.

Here are some totally awesome and "cultish" movies from the 1980's that I'm a fan of:



The Legend of Billie Jean- This is an awesome flick starring Helen Slater, Christian Slater, Powers Booth, and Yeardley Smith. Christian and Helen, who are not related in real life, play brother and sister. When Booth's kid and his friend beat up Christian and trash his moped, Helen goes to get payback from Booth, who attempts to molest her, so she shoots him. For the next hour, they traipse around the country, and Helen finds a love interest in the guy who played the nerd in Christine and Rodney Dangerfield's son in Back to School. Billie Jean(Helen) becomes sort of a folk hero, and the film culminates in a fantastic "fire in the Billie Jean gift shop" scene when the evil Powers Booth gets what's coming to him. As if this movie couldn't get any better, there's even a super-sweet late eighties Pat Benatar song!

Project X- This flick is about monkeys that fly flight simulators in a radioactive room. Even better, it features a young Helen Hunt, Matthew Broderick, and super awesome character actor, William Sadler(Die Hard 2, The Shawshank Redemption, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey), who plays the villain. Broderick and Hunt free the chimps, get caught, but the chimps steal a plane and fly away to the Everglades, living happily ever after. Featured "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel on the soundtrack.

Short Time- Dabney Coleman plays a cop who finds out he's got a terminal illness. He's only got two weeks to live, but, if he dies of the illness, his wife and young son get none of his benefits. So, he has to get killed on the job. He spends the movie getting into crazy chases with a suspect, trying to get killed, but miraculously surviving. It costarred Teri Garr and Matt Frewer and it's worth watching!

Uncle Buck- This is easily the most underrated John Hughes film. It stars John Candy, Macualey(sp?) Culkin, and a few other actors who went on to do great work. Basically, Uncle Buck, "UB" if you will, comes to babysit his brother's kids while his brother and his wife are attending to a sick father. John Candy and Culkin have really great chemistry on screen and the movie is full of great moral lessons taught to us through the point of view of a drinking, smoking, unemployed, lovable character brought to life through John Candy. Next to Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and Canadian Bacon this is probably my favorite performance of John Candy's. It's a shame more people haven't seen this film, as he was a talented and capable lead actor, who, because of his size and the crowd he "came up" with, got table scraps in a lot of movies. Good performances, but he should have had more leads!

Pee Wee's Big Adventure- Not a lot of people know this, but this was Tim Burton's directorial debut, and that alone makes this movie a classic! You see a lot of the Burton's unique vision without the "darkness" associated with his later work. The plot is pretty straight forward, Pee Wee Herman's beloved bike gets stolen and he travels the countryside, meeting new friends and seeing new places, in search of it. There are countless classic scenes in this movie, Netflix the shit out of it! If you still rent movies at a video store, tell 'em Large Marge sent ya!

Remember where you came from, remember what you are. -BK

2008 Swimsuit Calendar?!

I know you've all been waiting for me to weigh in on Michael Vick, so here it is!
------

People try to let Mr. Vick off with the phrase "Relax, it's not like he killed someone" which is true, and even applicable to this situation.

You see, usually, when someone kills, they're motivated by passion/rage etc... It's not highly calculated, like say, purchasing property and material, keeping a payroll, and breeding animals solely for the purpose of fighting them. He thought about what he did, knew it to wrong and immoral, and then he went ahead and did it anyways. He should do time, and he shouldn't be allowed to play in the NFL ever again. I'm happy they clean kennels with his jerseys in Atlanta.

America is violent. Always has been, always will be. No surprise there. We like our Ultimate Fighting, action flicks, and salivate while watching reality television. This is human on human violence/competition, which is fine with me, as most of the time the participants are willing and eager to "get it on."

Torturing animals for "sport" and profit is not cool. It doesn't make you a badass, and it doesn't impress anyone outside of the poorly educated, backwoods/inner city communities that don't seem to be able to figure out why white, suburban, America seems to be so against/afraid of them. Well, maybe cock/dogfights have something to do with it? It's perpetuating a negative stereotype, whether you're a multi-millionaire ball player, gangsta rapper, or working man.

I guess I support animal cruelty a little bit with this, but here it goes: Take five of Mr. Vick's toughest dogs, starve them for five or six days, and then put them in a pen for twenty minutes of fun with Mike, who'll be covered in Alpo gravy.

Hell, even I'd pay to see that.

Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Today, perverts, creepy guys, and sci-fi nerds all over the world are rejoicing. Why? Well, today Hayden Panettiere turns eighteen! No longer do I have to feel like a pedophile for thinking Ms. Panettiere is the hottest thing ever to grace the earth. No longer do I have to say "yeah, but she's only like, sixteen" when talking about Heroes with coworkers. No, no more lies. I'll say it loud and proud. If Hayden developed a vision problem and/or if I lost 35 pounds and got famous.... well, you know;) (OH SNAP, CHECK THE EMOTICON!)

It's really rainy here.

I have been sick. Sick enough to actually miss a show. Oh well, six people didn't get to see me perform. It's not like I'm losing sleep, because I spent that time in the bathroom "giving back to the Allegheny county sewage system."

Another trip to Chicago in September? Checking out classes at Second City? Drinking heavily? Playing with my dog? Enjoying a shower with actual water pressure? You fuckin' know it!

Jokes at Cefalo's tomorrow night. Be there and laugh it up!

A 720 tailwhip!? Cool.

When I work overtime, it rains. It's as if God Himself is saying "You get more money, but you'll be miserable getting it! I bet you regret selling your soul to Satan for better parking!" No, not at all.

Superbad was fucking great. Memorable zingers like "My back is on my cock" abounded! See it!

Actually, I'm funnier than Dane Cook on my worst days.

Did a set for a comedian, the comedian's father, another comedian, and the club owner last night. This is about as low as I've ever been in comedy.

I long to return to Chicago. At least people will be in the audience to watch me do terrible.

Puffed cheese corn is good. I've eaten damn near an entire family-sized bag in the space of two days. It seems to go especially well with Mountain Dew. Tasty indeed.

I've been able to write a bit more lately. This is good, as I'm not so aware of my soul-crushingly depressing place in life when I'm writing. Oddly, my writing is about my soul-crushingly depressing place in life. At least it's nice to vent? I don't even know anymore.

New bid, same hours, same days off.

I have a plane in range, I'll see yinz later.-BK

Collective Soul is still relevant!

So I'm beginning to regret purchasing a TV. Reality shows are everywhere, I've already seen most of the Maury episodes, and I can't seem to stay awake long enough to watch Conan and Craig. Oh well. However, I did learn that before locks were built on the Ohio river, most of the Allegheny, Mon, and Ohio rivers were so shallow you could walk across them and not get your shirt wet. I thought this was cool.

People are putting new siding on my building. Oddly, these people are Japanese, and not in an Asian-American sort of way either. It's really more of an "Asian immigrant" sort of way. I awoke to pounding on my walls yesterday morning at 7:57 AM and lots of foreign chatter/laughter. At first, I thought this was some sort of Spanish dialect my suburban ears were unfamiliar with, but after I pissed and attempted to go back to bed(it was my day off!), I realized they were in fact speaking Japanese! Conclusion: Even Japanese guys can't seem to catch a break in the U.S. Also, Japanese guys work way slower than Mexican guys, because their foreman was yelling at them in the sort of "broken English foreigner speak" white guys adapt when talking to immigrants. It was weird. I just wish they didn't start so fucking early in the morning.

Stoked on Superbad this weekend. Judd Apatow seems to always throw down some killer one-liners and works with lesser-known, super funny actors. I'm gonna see it Sunday morning, right before church. Did I say church? I meant "drinking an entire case of beer and eating grilled cheese sandwiches."

Fell off my bike yesterday. I think I hurt the ground more than the ground hurt me as I'm not really very sore or anything.

The bike was fine.

I'll see you in the audience. -BK

They all said that I've said that your not going?

This legendary TV host and producer, real estate investor, and singer recently passed away.

Who is... Merv Griffin?

Zing!

I decided to buy the TV instead of Las Vegas. I watched PBS for a few hours last night. It was good. I learned about Pittsburgh's rivers.

Also, I bought a copy of Audition, which is a totally awesome Japanese horror movie. You should see it, it's TOTALLY fucked up. Seriously, it's disturbing on the same level as The Exorcist or maybe even Mac and Me.

Was it in a bag or anything? Where was it checked in at?

Found a totally rad, all vegan, restaurant in Chicago that's barely five miles from my house! It's called Veggie Bite, and it is pretty cool. Good food, friendly service, and a chill environment.

Telling jokes at Slapsticks! Thursday the 16th and showcasing(13-15 minutes) on Friday the 24th. Contact me for discounted ticket information.

30 hours of debauchery and fun in Las Vegas or a television for my apartment? I'm leaning towards the TV, but I haven't played blackjack in a long time either...

I know I'm not gonna go see Hot Rod. Andy Samberg makes Jimmy Fallon look talented.

Gotta go throw some bags.

Have a great day!

Damn if feels good to be a gangster.

Last night I attended and did a little guest set at the King of Comedy in Carnegie finals. The following is my report...

Jerry Wilson won. Jerry is a hell of a comic, and brings it 100% every time he performs. Pittsburgh isn't a racist as I thought, because the almost entirely white and over forty crowd voted Jerry the best, which he was yesterday. It was good to see him get the credit he deserved.

Dan Cordle took second. Dan started doing comedy in April, and I've watched him progress on a weekly basis since then. He's a great writer, likable in an All-American sort of way, and works entirely CLEAN! I've never heard him utter a curse word on stage, and he still manages to include material on prostate exams and Taco Bell! He did the strongest set I've ever seen him do last night and he'll only be getting better.

The other comics, Tim Dimond, Bob Poland, and Joe Kwaczala(sp?) all had strong sets and were funny. Jack McNulty, a new comic with virtually no original material, bombed, and I was stoked, as he shouldn't have been allowed to make it into the finals on stolen material, no matter how much charisma or customers he brings into the venue.

The house was standing room only last night. Probably 175 people. Easily the largest group I've performed in front of, or seen outside of the Improv, in Pittsburgh.

Oddly, the contest was judged by some guy who "teaches comedy" at the local community college. He berated the comics "American Idol" style after their sets, and offered little constructive criticism and shouldn't have been allowed to speak. He was influencing audience votes. Plus, this guy's hair was ridiculous!

I went up immediately after the contest ended. Their was no break for the crowd to use the washroom or do their voting, so they did it during my set. The emcee's intro sucked, and I'd lost the majority of the crowd before I stepped onstage. So I did a show for the first three rows and focused on making them laugh, which they did. I was a little drunk, angry, and just threw away my time in front of all those people, which greatly upsets me.

Afterwords, the "judge" came up to me and offered me "advice." As politely as I could, I told him I wasn't accepting his criticism and walked away. Here's why: I've been doing comedy in Pittsburgh for eight months, at least two nights a week, and I'd never even HEARD of the guy before last night! So how does someone who is not immersed in the local scene, familiar with my work, or even a "working" comic have the right to give me any advice? I should have punched this guy. I'm still mad about the situation, and mad at myself, but hey, what can you do?

I cannot wait to get back to Chicago, a city that will allow me to really further my comic abilities, instead of comedy purgatory, Pittsburgh. Nothing against the very many talented Pittsburgh comics, but this city is just dead for comedy.

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The term "Va Jay-Jay" is getting pretty fucking tired. It's not cutesy. Stop using it and go back to "cooch" America!

I'm eating an Amy's Organic Tofu Scrambler wrap thing, and it's good.

Thanks. -BK

We go back.

Back in good ol', hot and smoggy as hell Pittsburgh. I forgot to take out my garbage before I left, so I'm not stoked on how my apartment will smell in three hours when I get off work. Great.

Gonna hit some overtime this week.

Need to go food shopping today.

Comedy is coming along.

That's about it.

May the Force be with you - BK

Gutsiest move I ever saw man.

You know what makes Top Gun even more awesome? Watching it whilst piss drunk! Goddamn, this movie is great!

Good friends Rich, David Tyler, The Girl, and new friend, Alli, came to hang out tonight at le chateau Ben, but it rained, and Rich's copy of 3oo sucked dick, so we went inside and watched the previously mentioned movie. Right now, I'm totally drunk, and waiting for Rich to return, but seriously, Top Gun fucking RULES!

Also, I've run around the house like four times today, bare chested, chasing my dog, which would be almost normal, except for the fact that he's in Wisconsin, chilling with my parents. I guess I'm kinda gay in that regard.

This... is... SPARTA!

I feel the need. The need, for SPEED!

Don't let the sun catch you cryin' - BK

Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?

What do I love most about Wisconsin?

I'm so glad you asked, inner dialogue! Well, I guess it's the fact that they play Limp Bizkit on the radio without out making fun or being ironic or anything!

What do I hate most about myself?

I guess it's the fact that I still rock the fuck out to "My Way" as hard as I did when I was 16. Fortunately, my career seems to be going better than Fred Durst's. Respect.


Boating was fun.

Saw the new Bourne movie. It was mad cool, as the urban and suburban, urban-wannabe kids tend to say.

It sure is humid here!

I'll see ya later, if you pick up what I'm puttin' down.

Dude, Daughtry doesn't rock!

Why pay 20 bucks to ride in a cab for two miles when you could just walk?

Not too much else to report.

Gonna eat some local Chicago pizza tonight. I am excited beyond words about this! Chicago pizza is the shit!

Dream Theater is a great band. Pick up some of their stuff. Do it now.

I get to drive my father's car to Wisconsin, alone. I'll be redlining the fuck out of it, because I don't own it. Plus, it has XM radio, which is always nice.

See you in about a week, or maybe sooner.

What do you think of Boston?

Well, no comedy show in Chicago. Bummed.

However, I do get to drink heavily for a week in Wisconsin, for free!

Oh yeah, look for me back in Chicago full time around February. Gonna make a hardcore go at the comedy thing. Wish me luck.

It's really more than a feelin' -BK

We wanna pull the jetway on seven.

Saw The Simpsons Movie last night and it really wasn't worth making. It wasn't bad, it was just a 90 minute episode of the Simpsons... Too many writers, character cameos, etc... I thought the computer-assisted animation brought a new level of intricacy to Springfield. It was nice to see a little more 3-D come into play.

In Chicago. 7-1 thru 7-7.

Jokes!

Haven't been sleeping well. It's probably my fan making weird noise.

Oh well.

Goodbye then.

Water for my soul when it get's thirsty.

Been riding my fixed-gear around quite a bit lately. It's pretty fun.

Didn't sleep well last night. Crappy Jim Carrey movies will do that to you. The Number 23 sucked!

American on the podium at Le Tour! YES!

Possible Chicago performance August 12th? Wait and see.

C-ya.

Granny

Irony: When two news helicopters crash while covering a car chase in Phoenix, Arizona, therefore becoming the story themselves. Sadly, both stations involved took a ratings plunge, because they...uh, didn't have any aerial coverage.

Chance that I might have a future after all: Reports surfaced today involving NASA astronauts under the influence of alcohol while in-flight. Look for me to be reporting from Cape Canaveral from now on!

-----

Look for some more joke action from me next week.

I finished reading "Hell's Angels" today, and for a book that's forty years old, it's pretty good, and it did a good job of separating a media myth from reality. Plus, Hunter S. Thompson had his ashes shot out of a cannon in Colorado. Seriously, if you found out an author had his ashes shot out of a cannon, wouldn't you read every one of his works???

Slept 14 hours last night. It was a struggle, but I kept my focus, and pulled through.

Stay safe out there troopers!

Adam Duritz works for Satan.

I am heartbroken.

My favorite professional cyclist, Alexander Vinokourov failed a drug test and was dropped from Le Tour today.

Let me tell you why "Vino" is my favorite. First, he's a Kazakh, which is almost as cool as being a Russian. I make the Russian comparison because Vino is/was essentially the Russian from Rocky IV, except he weighs 150 pounds and rides a bicycle. I'm pissed at him.

--------

Comedy went well at Earthstone yesterday. Thanks to Terry Jones for having me out.

Maybe Lindsay Lohan should do less blow and move the fuck out of L.A. Just a thought.

I'm a gonna make stir-fry for a dinner a today. Ah.

Time to go make the donuts!

You make my dreams nightmarish.

Looks like I'm gonna be pushing my NYC trip back to September.

I've been drinking a lot of water at night for some reason. One thing is for sure, water is not as good as beer, but I don't have enough money to buy beer.

I really don't know how I feel about Eddie Money, to tell you the truth.

My knee is hurting me again. I think it's probably due to the fact that I kick so much ass, or maybe the repetitive, stressful bending I do all day long.

Nothing more, Your Honor.

I think I'm drowning!

Perhaps my words about Tammy Faye were a little harsh. I guess I'm just a harsh dude. I'm sorry for saying such a malicious thing. What can I say, cancer sucks.

Telling a few jokes this week. Earthstone's mic is reopening on Tuesday night, so check that shit out roundabout eight or so.

Look for people doing stolen material at the Cefalo's contest on Wednesday night. I might be there doing a guest set and/or just hangin' out.

Heading to NYC August 12-15th. Comedy recon mission. I'd like to be able to honestly gauge where the strength of my material, act, and "persona" is against the NYC comics. I don't think I'm going to like what I find out, but I'm going anyways.

Went to see I Know Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and while it's not a bad movie, it suffers from the same thing Evan Almighty suffered from. Mainly, it injects too much seriousness into the storyline, it get's a little preachy. I'm not looking for a movie to malign the gay community, but I don't want a movie that's afraid to poke a little fun either.

Myspace is now mysteriously accessible from work. YEAH!

Have a good one!

Aces high?

Does anyone else think that Tammy Faye Bakker is making Kate Moss look like Rosie O'Donnell lately??

Well, I guess when you spend your life preaching bigotry and hate, and making millions doing it, God deems it necessary to give you cancer. I don't agree with God on a lot of His initiatives, but I've got to hand it to the man upstairs, He really pulled a good one off!

Killed at Slapsticks! last night. It was a good show.

Not going to Florida. Someone "more senior" than me accepted the assignment.

Working late tonight.

Don't worry, be happy.

Let your love bind you, to all living things.

The personal odyssey that was my time in the Cefalo's contest came to an end last night. I ate shit, hard, and was rightly voted out. Oh well. I got in deeper than I thought I would, and I was happy to have advanced as far I did.

Maybe taking the act on the road to Jacksonville, Florida for two weeks of tempin'. We shall see what pans out.

Spent some time talking with a few comics after the show last night. It was cool to see other people's opinions of the scene and our potential comedic future(s).

Have a good day!

What hood do you hail from?

Tour de France is getting interesting. Go Leipenheimer! (He's American yo!)

I wish I could say comedy was fun last night, but performing in front of four people was really more of a chore. Dinner at Whole Foods, which is down the street from the venue, was delicious. I had the BBQ Tempeh. It was tasty, and not over spiced like a lot of tempeh dishes can be.

Wednesday night. Cefalo's. Show up. Vote for me. Have a drink or five. Laugh. Vote for me.

This coming week should be good for movies. I'm looking most forward to Sunshine, Danny Boyle's new joint about some astronauts who go on a mission to restart the sun, thus saving humanity as we know it(in 2057, at least.) If you don't know who Danny Boyle is, you're stupid. He's made two of the most important films to come outta Britain in 15 years, Trainspotting and the incomparable 28 days later... Make yourself familiar with these films. You'll be a better nerd for it!

Had a good sleep last night.

I guess this is goodbye.

Tina Turner shouldn've talked back to Ike so much.

While in the middle of my semi-daily yoga exercises this morning, I realized that I'm a lot more flexible than I used to be. Even when I was forty pounds heavier, I could bend 90 degrees at my waist and touch my toes without "limbering up" or anything. Now, I can bend over and slide my palms under my feet. Those Indians sure do know some stuff about the capabilities of the human body. If you doubt Yoga, or maybe think it's new-age B.S., which is understandable, take a look at the spread in last month's Vanity Fair. Most of the people in it are over forty, trim, attractive, and basically represent what we all wish we could be at that age. Maybe if I practice yoga for the next 15 odd years I can look as good as Sting does, instead of looking like Vince Neil...

Telling some new jokes about Godzilla and George Bush tonight at Shadow Lounge. Come on out and support live comedy. Youtube and Myspace are great places to see comedy, but COMEDY IS MEANT TO BE SEEN AND ENJOYED LIVE! So come out!

I see our beloved federal government is sponsoring some sort of marriage program here in the 'burgh. Nice to know were my tax money went when I'm cashing a twelve dollar social security check in 45 years. Thank your Christian-pandering congresspeople for that one, America.

...show me some of the Spanish dancing,
pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones,
Believe in me, help me believe in anything,
cause I wanna be someone who believes...
- The Counting Crows, Mr. Jones

That's a good song, y'all.

Later.

Almost forgot, the intro to "I'm Burnin' For You," by Blue Oyster Cult, is pretty much the best intro ever! This is not up for discussion.

I'm still not cool.

I like to watch bad movies. I consider it a personal challenge. Yesterday, I went to see Captivity, and I must say, it was probably the worst movie I've seen in the past 2 years. This movie is so flawed, I'm seriously surprised it got green-lighted, financed, produced, and released. To start with, Elisha Cuthbert lacks the strength to carry the film as she is nothing more than a pretty face. Plus, there's no character development, sub-plots, or even anything really gory. This movie SUCKED! I didn't even get to see her tits, which is what disappointed me the most.

Been listening to the Rollins Band lately. It's good to go back to the 90's, when music was merely mediocre, and not totally fucking horrible.

The weather is nice today. When one works outside, one truly understands and is able to define their own personal "perfect day." To an office dweller, this may simply be: "sunny, with a nice breeze." To an outside laborer, it might consist of: "slightly cloudy, the wind was blowing from the east in light gusts, and when the sun came out, it was already too late in the day for it to be hot, although it was good to feel it on my shoulders." Little differences.

Food shopping today. I've been in a heavy orange period as of late. I should probably buy some apples or pears, or maybe even a banana or six. Smoothies are missed, and need to be brought back.

I think I'll take a walk and finish reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris, tonight as well.

See you all later.